EEP! I forgot the disclaimer!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hellsing, "Dragostea Din Tei," or anything else. Really.
A Schroe appearance is forthcoming… Meh heh heh… he shall be here eventually. Perhaps not right away. But it is one of my Hellsing fics, so he will appear.
Thanks SO much to ChibiChrissi, and Wolf-chan my ghost reviewer! And all my other reviewers! You didn't know this when you reviewed, but all my reviewers get COOKIES! hands out chocolate chip cookies And, if you give constructive criticism, you get a big slice of Seras' homemade chocolate cake!
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The flames at Integra's feet crackled. Seras hyperventilated. The gun's hammer made a sharp click. Alucard hummed.
"Allo… Salut… sunt eu, un haiduc!"
"SHUT UP!" Integra's face contorted with rage. She fired.
BANG! BANG!
And Alucard was bleeding.
Seras yelped as if she had been shot and half ran, half fell to Alucard's side. "Master," she whimpered. "Master, are you all right?"
Alucard looked puzzled. He raised his hand to his head, then brought it before his eyes and stared at the blood staining his glove. "In… Integra?" he cried, his voice breaking. "Wh - why?"
Integra was panting heavily. She felt more alive than she had in ten years. "Because!" she shouted, "You can't act your age! Which is what, a thousand?"
"Integra – Integra – Integra SHOT ME!" The nosferatu flung his head back and howled. Tears of blood streamed down his face and mingled with the blood pouring from beneath his hair. He made no attempt to regenerate, did not attack Integra, did nothing but scream, now and then pounding the floor with his fists.
"Sir!" Seras' face was even paler than usual. "He's having a temper tantrum! I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't have shot him – not in this condition…"
Integra had even less patience for kids than she normally did for Alucard. And when Alucard was the kid, her already small snapping point became microscopic. She shoved the gun back into her jacket, marched up to Alucard, and began shaking him furiously, yelling in his face, "Shut up! Shut up right now! You're a nosferatu, not a child! Shut UP!"
The only effect this had on Alucard was that he opened his eyes in shock. Through a reddish, watery haze, he saw Integra's looming face, framed by the flames that were now engulfing the hall. He screamed even louder, launched himself up, and dashed off through the fire – where, Integra could not see. A moment later, she heard the ominous sound of the front door slamming.
The fire's crackling was the only sound. Seras seemed frozen on the floor, her hands shaking, her master's blood splashed across her face. Integra looked stricken.
"Oh my God," she rasped. She stared at the trail of blood that Alucard had left behind him.
"Sir… you shot him…" Seras' eyes were filled with tears. "You shot him!"
"Who cares? He had it coming. The terrible thing is he's loose on London!"
The Police Girl started to sob. "He doesn't know who he is! He doesn't know where to go or what to do! He'll be so lonely!"
"The Queen's going to kill me!" The young Hellsing stared helplessly into the inferno that had become her hallway. "Has he got a gun?"
"He – he took the Jackal to the basement, right?"
Integra swore like a sailor and dove into the flames, emerging on the other side severely singed but otherwise relatively unhurt. Seras followed, lifting the explosive Hallconnen high over the fire. When her boss was in this condition, it was best to shut up and follow.
Once outside, Integra darted for her limousine and practically threw herself into the passenger's seat. "Walter's off," she muttered angrily. "Seras, can you drive?"
"Somewhat…"
"That'll do. Get us on the road, and hurry!"
Seras nodded and dropped the Hallconnen into the elongated back seat before sliding into the front seat and locating the keys. In moments they were off, roaring down the road toward London.
Integra rolled down the tinted window and stuck her head out, squinting against the setting sun, frantically searching the road ahead for a red-coated man bleeding from the head. Her blonde hair blew backward like a pennant in the wind as Seras accelerated to sixty, then to seventy.
"How fast can he run?" Integra panted, pulling her head back in. Her hair looked like a bird's nest piled on top of her head. "We should have caught up to him by now!"
Seras was leaning over the steering wheel, intent on the road ahead. "I don't know," she said. "Maybe he made a portal. He could be anywhere!"
"Then we have to think of where he might have gone. If you were a regressing vampire in the throes of a temper tantrum bleeding from the head, where would you be?"
Seras pondered for a moment. "At home in my coffin, regenerating?"
"Seras. Why would he be at home in his coffin when we know for a fact that he is not there?"
"Sorry!" She concentrated on the road once more, but not before adding, "It being Alucard, I expect he's wandering around frightening the life out of passerby."
"To frighten passerby, there has to be passerby to frighten. Meaning he's in London!"
"Elementary, my dear Integra!" Seras cried.
"Shut up." And they sped the rest of the twenty miles to London in silence.
Alucard was in fact wandering around frightening the life out of passerby. His eyes, only one visible under the broken sunglasses, were unfocused. Blood loss didn't bother him, but the sight of Satan Integra had terrified him into shock. His hat was squashed and terribly askew, and his hair was crusted with dried blood. Both his head wounds were still bleeding, and dried brown tracks were traced down his face from his eyes. By the time he had gone fifty paces from his portal, six people had called an ambulance. Three had called the prison. Four had called the mental institution.
"Stupid Integra," Alucard muttered. "Stupid stupid stupid Integra… she's so mean all the time… why is she so mean? Why did she shoot me?" He repeated this endlessly, barely sure of where he was going, sometimes accidentally phasing through telephone poles. He stumbled like a drunk, occasionally whacking into people who then moved away extremely quickly.
The ambulance found him as he crossed a busy intersection. The paramedics leapt out from the back and escorted him to the vehicle, talking in soothing voices. Alucard, surprisingly, went with them, clear evidence that he was even less himself than usual. As soon as he was inside on the stretcher, he fell into a coma-like slumber.
"Dear God," one paramedic whispered to the other. "What happened to him?"
"Dunno," the other replied, his eyes wide. "He looks like he's been shot in the head. Couldn't tell with that hat in the way, though…"
"He wasn't shot in the head, he'd be dead… he seems all right. Let's wait til we get back to hospital before we try to move him."
"Right."
The instant the ambulance careened into the hospital's emergency lot, the paramedics hurried the sleeping Alucard into the operating room. A surgeon hurried in and lifted the vampire's hat to inspect the damage. An anesthesiologist and a nurse closely followed him.
His eyes widened in shock as he probed the wound. "Two gunshot wounds to the head… look like they were made by a revolver. He's been bleeding from the eyes somehow, but they don't look damaged. Is he alive?"
Alucard snored loudly in reply.
"…Right. Let's begin the operation now." The anesthesiologist did her work quickly, and Alucard was out like a light.
The surgeon bent in with his scalpel and leaned over the twin bullet holes. "Let's get these bullets out of his head first – what the-?"
The patient's arm was melting. The red sleeve turned black and translucent. Wide red eyes appeared in the flesh and a faint growling noise could be heard.
"Is he having an allergic reaction?" the surgeon cried, turning to the anesthesiologist. Looking alarmed, she dashed to Alucard's side and inspected the arm.
It was normal. She glanced at the surgeon and asked with as much tact as she could muster, "Are you feeling… sober… today, sir?"
The surgeon glared at her. "Of course!" he snapped. "His arm was melting!"
"Best continue with the operation, sir."
Muttering angrily, the surgeon attacked with his scalpel again.
Alucard's head melted into his collar. Two bullets fell to the floor with a faint clinking noise. The nurse leaned over the surgeon's shoulder in surprise. "That was quick, sir."
The surgeon stared at the empty collar with horror. "His head," he gasped, "Where's his head?"
"Right there, sir," the nurse said, puzzled. Alucard's head, the eyes closed and the mouth hanging vacantly open, was back in its proper place. The blood flow had stopped. Except for the dried tracks under his hair, there was no sign that he had ever been bleeding.
With a cry of terror, the surgeon dashed from the room, bowling the anesthesiologist out of his way as he went. His screams could be heard receding down the hall toward the psychiatric ward.
Seras and Integra were caught in a traffic jam. A line of angrily honking cars stretched all the way through London, or so it seemed. Integra gripped the seat frantically, her eyes wild. "Seras! Park this thing!"
"I can't! We're in the middle of a highway! It'll be another fifteen minutes til I can get us to the side of the road."
"Then leave the limo." Integra opened the passenger side door and stepped out onto the highway.
"What'll I do with the Hallconnen?" Seras reluctantly opened her door, glancing at the rocket launcher in the back seat.
"Leave it! Come on!" Much to the puzzlement of the other drivers, the two singed women crossed the road and hurried off into downtown London.
"Now then…" Integra searched the surrounding street for some sign of a red coat and hat. "I think we ought to-" The wailing of a fire engine drowned her out as it tore down the street in the opposite direction from which they had come. Seras watched it go, trying to find a telltale plume of smoke.
"Look!" she exclaimed, pointing toward the horizon. "Must be a big fire…"
Integra looked very briefly. Then she looked again. Then she screamed and sprinted back toward the road. "The manor! The manor is burning!" She vaguely remembered dropping her cigar on the carpet right before shooting Alucard and diving through fire to get to the front door… how could she have forgotten that the hall was burning? In a fit of panic, she dove in front of an oncoming car. When it stopped, she rushed around to the side, booted the driver out, and sped away into the night.
Seras chose to pretend she didn't know Integra, and hurried off down the street to continue her search for her master.
Integra had only driven a car twice in her life, but she found the accelerator very quickly and was off like a demon. Eighty, ninety, ninety-five… the car she had stolen was coughing under the pressure, but she tore on with total disregard for traffic lights, crossing pedestrians, and other drivers. It was a miracle she didn't kill anyone.
At this velocity, she made it to the manor in less than five minutes. She quickly located the brake and came to a screeching halt in the driveway. Her heart racing like a drum solo, she ran toward the house. Or what was left of it.
Firefighters raced around the lawn with enormous hoses, trying desperately to quell the flames. As Integra watched, the windows burst with an almighty WHOOMPH, sending great bursts of fire arcing over the grass. She stared in abject horror as the two hundred-year-old manor burned before her.
A very scorched Captain Pip Bernadette stumbled to her, a look of vast relief on his face. "Sir Integra," he panted, "Thank goodness you're all right – we thought you were still inside. Ze house can't be saved, but no one was 'urt."
Integra didn't seem to have heard him. "My house," she croaked.
"Ze Wild Geese got everyone – ze maids, servants, and all zat – out when zey saw ze flames coming down ze stairs."
"My office..." She began to sway slightly. Firelight glinted off her glasses.
"What d' you think started it?"
Integra started as though she had been smacked. She whirled and grabbed Pip's collar, shaking him furiously. "MY CIGARS!" With a wild cry, she darted back toward the house, shoving firefighters out of the way and fighting against all efforts to restrain her. Finally, three firefighters dogpiled her before she could run into the inferno. One sat on her back; the others held her arms and legs. She battled them with strength not her own, screaming, "My cigars! Save my cigars!"
Pip watched this with a strange mixture of horror, confusion, and amusement. When it seemed they had his boss under control, he turned to give orders to his men. He had a feeling that when the authorities showed up, it would be best to have some semblance of organization.
Seras was growing steadily frantic. No one she'd asked had had any idea where a red-coated man bleeding from the head might be. Her strategy was to snatch at random people and ask, "Have you seen anyone who looks like he's been shot twice in the head, but you can't really tell 'cause his coat's red too?" She had received several "You're mad"s, several more "Stupid drunk"s, and far too many "Shut up"s. She was fast losing all hope of ever finding her master.
Suddenly, a very obvious thought occurred to her. If he were injured at Hellsing, no one would dream of calling an ambulance – but here in London, where people hadn't the foggiest idea that Hellsing existed, they would immediately call the hospital if they saw a man walking down the street bleeding from the head. She consulted a large map on a street corner and then hurried off to the hospital, praying she would find Alucard there.
Alucard woke in the recovery room back in his own, thousand-year mind. Naturally, he had no idea how he had ended up in London, much less in a hospital bed. He sat up. His thin hospital garment rustled, and he glared at it. Where were his clothes?
A thorough search of the room turned up nothing. He couldn't go back to Hellsing dressed like this; Integra would never let him hear the end of it. And Pip would certainly make sure all Britain and France knew that the famed nosferatu had been running about in a hospital gown. Alucard sat down on the bed and pondered his dilemma.
"What do you mean, I can't go see him?" Seras was trying desperately to negotiate with the receptionist, who was adamantly blocking all her demands.
"It is past visiting hours, miss. You will have to wait until tomorrow to see him."
"It's important! You have to let me by! Life and death!"
"I get that all the time, miss." The receptionist went back to typing.
Seras was at her wits' end. Desperate times called for desperate measures. She leaned over the desk, startling the receptionist into looking into her eyes. "Let – me – by." She ordered slowly, not breaking eye contact. "Now."
The receptionist blinked. "Go right ahead," she murmured. Seras smiled.
"Thank you." She darted up the stairs before the receptionist came to, glancing at a sign on the wall to confirm Alucard's floor before tearing up three flights and bursting into the deserted hall. She scanned the doors as she raced past them, but none gave her any clue as to where her master was. Finally, in utter desperation, she halted and bellowed, "ALUCARD!"
Alucard's head jerked up when he heard his fledgling's voice. This was a most fortuitous turn of events – he could shut her up quite easily if he needed to. He slid into her mind and answered, "Room 307."
"Master!" Seras quickly located and opened the door. Alucard was sitting on the bed in his hospital gown, looking quite normal. She chose to ignore the gown in her relief at having found him, adult and regenerated. "I've looked everywhere!"
"Did it ever occur to you to ask me telepathically?"
Seras was silent.
"Idiot Police Girl." He chuckled and stood. "I suppose we ought to return to the manor. I'll make the portal," he added gallantly.
"Master – the manor-"
"No, no, I insist. Come along." He opened a portal beside the bed and ushered her in, despite her attempts to explain to him the state of the manor. "Where shall we land where we won't be noticed? The basement, I suppose?"
"Master, you can't land in the basement-"
"Hm. The remnants of Anderson's visit must still be there. Very well then, Integra's office." If he could not make it to the manor in the gown unnoticed, then he would at least annoy Integra with it.
"No- not there!"
"Of course there. Move it." He shoved her in, stepped in behind her, and closed the portal.
Alucard's gown was completely incinerated the instant he stepped out of the portal. Seras' uniform fared slightly better, but still burned up enough to display many parts she'd rather have kept hidden. Alucard stared around in shock for a moment, then opened the portal again. "I think we ought to move this to the lawn," he said, and pulled Seras through again.
They emerged, by some stroke of luck, right beside Pip, who did not look particularly alarmed when they appeared out of nowhere. He took in the state of their clothing – or lack thereof – and their red faces and said, "Busy, were you?" Seras gave him a slightly softened glare. Alucard regenerated, clothes included, pretending to ignore them.
"Glad you're all right," she said to Pip, not quite as stiffly as she would have liked. Alucard pinched her arm. She elbowed him in the stomach.
Integra was under control again, though she had shed far more tears over her cigars than over her manor. With as much dignity as she could muster under the circumstances, she shook off the three concerned firemen and approached her subordinates.
"Well," she said, trying very hard not to look at Alucard. "No one's hurt. But the Queen'll have my head."
Everyone looked sympathetic but Alucard, who grinned maniacally and said, "I always knew your smoking would do us all in someday."
He knew enough to take off running immediately following this statement. The sound of Integra's enraged screams and Alucard's gut-bursting laughter were audible even over the crackling of the flames until the fire died down completely.