As soon as he felt the other boy walk away, Tobias demorphed. He was a hawk. Hawks don't feel grief. Hawks don't cry. Tobias wouldn't cry for Rachel. He could not cry for her. He was a hawk, and hawks don't cry. Still, he stood there, watching the bear. He knew that this wasn't the bear that had killed her, no; it wasn't even really a bear but a Yeerk in morph, but…still. He couldn't get it out of his head…his Rachel, his beautiful Rachel, as she fell, bright red lines across her face, he neck twisted at an altogether unnatural angle. God, he had loved her. He could not for get that great, white bear, who seemed to grin even as the Yeerk's thoughtspeak broke out in laughter. Those huge, white paws, stained with her blood… Tobias stood there, staring. And eventually, he became the bear. He had acquired it in the arctic, when they were trapped out there in the cold, eluding the Yeerks and their strange ice aliens. They had watched it tare apart a seal, wrenching it through a far too small hole in the ice so its blood and entrails were strewn, steaming, on the ice, and then they had become it. Tobias became it now. He first flew into the tank, landing on the slippery slope of one of the icebergs. He concentrated on the picture in his mind, the picture of that polar bear's paw swinging toward his Rachel's face…
The first thing that happened was that thick white fur sprouted all over his body, his feathers melting away into black skin. His legs thickened, becoming huge, tree trunk like pillars of muscle. Two more formed from his wings, his light, hollow bones becoming denser, heavier. His body stretched, growing many times his normal size. A snout sprouted from his face, engulfing his beak. His eyesight dimmed, still good but no where near that of the hawk. But the sense of smell was amazing, and he smelled the other bear. He smelled the blood running through his veins. Tobias charged him. It hadn't even gotten up at the appearance of the other bear, just lifted its head. It was fat and lazy from his life in captivity, and no match for Tobias's wild bear, especially not when it was fueled with pure rage. Tobias leapt on it, swiping it hard with his claws. The other bear roared in pan as its blood poured out. It threw Tobias off, whirling around to face him, finally comprehending. Good. Tobias wanted to fight, wanted to hurt and be hurt. He wanted to save her.
He attacked the bear again, skinning his strong teeth into its neck. It clawed his hard, drawing a deep gash above his eyes, nearly blinding him with the blood. Tobias didn't care, he just kept swiping and slashing and biting until the bear fell to the ground, unable to fight any longer. Tobias raised his paw to deal the final, killing blow…and froze. What am I doing? He thought, as clarity flew up from the deepest reaches of his mind. What the hell am I doing? He couldn't save her. She was dead. She was never coming back, regardless of anything Tobias ever did. He had missed his chance to save her. Killing this creature would change nothing. He was already feeling lightheaded from loss if blood. He demorphed, leaving the bear. Someone would find him, help him, he would be fine. As for Tobias… there was only one place he could go. He took to the air, straining his wings against the still air of a summer night, flying as fast as he could. He had found the place before, calling information with the number to find the address. He had flown over, circling and trying to decide whether to call him or not. SO many times had he visited, in fact, that though his mind was dull with grief, he flew to it automatically. He alighted on the black metal railing of the fire escape. He could see Jordan through the window. He was asleep, sprawled out on his bed directly in front of the window, which was open but for a screen. Tobias cried out in a hawk sound, a scream of deepest pain, unable to remember a single human word. Jordan leapt awake, scrambling to open the screen as soon as he realized that the hawk already quickly becoming a human was Tobias. Tobias fell into his arms, unable to hold back the tears any longer. Jordan gathered the sobbing boy into his arms, holding him close against his chest. Tobias cried, his face buried into Jordan's chest, his arms, too, wrapped around him. He cried for everything he could never cry for before, for parents who abandoned him, for relatives who hated him, for the childhood he lost, for his humanity. He cried for the friends, the mother, and the home he had left behind. He cried for Rachel.
Jordan held him tightly, bewildered, but stroking his hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner. "Shh…Tobias… It's going to be alright…"
Tobias looked up at him, the tears halted for a moment. Their eyes met, sapphire blue with emerald green. Tobias shut his eyes tight against the tears still threatening to burst out…and kissed him.
He tasted like salt and rain, Jordan thought. Tobias's arms came up to wrap themselves around his neck, and Jordan kissed him back. He lowered him onto the bed, lying down next to him and drawing him even closer.
Tobias rested against the other boy's chest. He could hear his heart beating. And though he still wept, bitterly and painfully, he felt safe for the first time in as long as he could remember. Jordan's arms felt like home.