Trials of Trust

Part 5

We'll go to a place
Where no one will find us
Just you and I
I'm yours
I'll always be with you

Tezuka has reluctantly taken several days off work, only just to stop Fuji and Kimura from worrying about him even more than they already do.

It has been a long time since he last slept in. Fuji has left for morning training, in preparation for his first AIG Open, and when Tezuka turns over in the bed, rolling into the spot still warm with Fuji's bodyheat, he realises he probably really does need this break. He has been feeling so worn out lately. In the past he has never felt the need to sleep longer; six to eight hours were long enough, and sleep was always restful, such that he could get up quite easily in the mornings.

But now, burying his face into Fuji's pillow, he just wishes the other man doesn't have practice and stays to sleep in with him a bit longer.

He knows Fuji has noticed this change, but hasn't said anything. Fuji sees and knows many things. Sometimes he chooses to stay silent, sometimes he chooses to act upon the knowledge the best way he can, never needing to ask what exactly it is Tezuka wants because, again, he knows.

Tezuka also knows Fuji wants him to quit his job right away. And although Tezuka doesn't want to, for a thousand reasons including not wanting to back down from Atobe's challenge, he knows this may be, in the end, the best thing to do for the company, Fuji and himself. Sometimes staying or quitting has nothing to do with pride but everything to do with what should be done.

After the break, Tezuka plans to go back and tie up the loose ends of all his tasks, then hand the company over to Kimura.

Pushing himself up a little, Tezuka reaches for the memo pad on the nightstand, wanting to write down that he needs to call Kimura before he falls asleep again and forgets about it.

When he picks up the pad, he sees the word "Ooishi" written on the first page, and almost groans at the reminder. He has asked Ooishi to come over at lunch time, and has completely forgotten about it. It isn't something he'd normally forget about.

With a frown he scribbles "Kimura" onto the pad, then puts it back, picking up the alarm clock. Seeing how he is feeling, Tezuka isn't sure if he would wake up without any help. But as soon as he looks at the clock, he puts it down again with a small smile. Fuji has already set it for him.

Sleep tugs at Tezuka again. Brown eyes slide shut, and instead of seeing the ceiling of his bedroom, Tezuka sees the mountain of Matterhorn, over 4000 metres of rock and snow standing before him, forbidding, yet calling to be conquered. He looks up, smiles when he feels ice-cold wind brushing his cheeks, and he hears himself tell Fuji this is where he wants to be.

He doesn't see Fuji in this dream, but he knows he is there, a warm presence in the cold of the snow and of the world, like Fuji has always been and will always be.

---

"How... How long?"

"Eighteen months. Perhaps two years." Tezuka's eyes steadily hold Ooishi's, his voice so calm and smooth he can be talking about the weather, only the disbelief, sadness and hurt on Ooishi's face is showing this is something a lot more serious. "But they keep changing the estimate, so no one can say for sure."

Ooishi looks down, into his cup of red tea, trying to process this new information. This has to be true, because Tezuka doesn't lie. But how can it be true? Looking at Tezuka, Ooishi would say the man seems to have lost a bit of weight, but nothing too significant to start a worry.

But dying?

"Does Fuji know?" Ooishi asks, his voice small, although the two of them are the only people here in the flat. When Tezuka nods, he lets out a breath. It is better that Fuji knows, even though it must hurt. "And Eiji?"

Suddenly a dark shadow fleets across Tezuka's features. Leaning back into the leather sofa, he takes his eyes off Ooishi's concerned ones, and closes them. "He'll find out from you."

"You want me to tell him?"

"You'll be telling him whether I want you to or not." When the brown eyes reopen, they are accusing, angry, making Ooishi gasp in shock - he has never seen Tezuka like this before. "Like you told him about Atobe."

They stare at each other, Ooishi looking for the right words to say, and Tezuka openly furious. But after several seconds, Tezuka's brown eyes widen. He raises a hand, pushing fingers into hair, his face an expression of complete surprise.

"What did I say?" His tone loses its usual confidence, replaced by complete confusion as the hand in his hair grips the side of his head. Did he really just say that to Ooishi? "I... I don't know why I said that."

Ooishi has never seen Tezuka so lost. Tezuka, the leader, who is always so sure of everything, who never says anything he doesn't mean... he can't be crumbling in front of him right now, can he? "... Tezuka?"

The taller man shakes his head. He doesn't know why he has said what he said, but he doesn't think of Ooishi that way. At least he doesn't think he does. "Sorry."

Teeth digging into lower lip, Ooishi sighs. Perhaps Tezuka truly hasn't meant to say those words, but the allegation is true. He has never agreed with Tezuka's decision to hide that away from his life partner, but this doesn't justify why he has told Eiji about it.

But even if he cannot justify himself, Ooishi does feel, though, Tezuka needs to know why he has discussed it with Eiji.

"A while ago, Eiji mentioned to me that Atobe's starting a publishing firm. I asked for more details, and somehow told him about what happened back in Seigaku." Ooishi rests his arms on his thighs, leaning forward in his seat, and looks to the other man. "I really shouldn't have done that... I was worried, Tezuka. I still am." He waits until Tezuka sets his eyes on him before continuing, making sure the other man hears every word he has to say. "You need to be very, very careful around Atobe - my colleagues are investigating him. I can't tell you any more than this."

Tezuka knows the type of cases Ooishi's department handles: blackmail, corruption, and sometimes even murder.

"I have no idea what Atobe has done so far, and you definitely won't like the sound of this, but I advise you to pull yourself out."

The two men look up at the same time when they hear the front door being opened. Fuji enters, and smiles in greeting when he sees Ooishi. Setting his tennis bag beside the door, he walks around to the back of Tezuka's sofa, folds his arms on the soft leather and asks if the two have had lunch yet. The words send Ooishi running for the door, since he has forgotten about the time and his lunch hour has finished half an hour ago.

Fuji chuckles lightly when the front door shuts. When Tezuka tilts his head up, Fuji smiles down at the man, answering the unvoiced question. "Hmm it was okay. Morning practice is quite a good way to start the day."

With Tezuka taking time off, Fuji has asked to move all his training sections to early mornings, so that he can spend more time during the day with Tezuka. Although this means he has to wake up at six in the morning, it is definitely worth it. When Tezuka stands, complaining that Fuji stinks of sweat, the smaller man chuckles and goes for a shower, knowing Tezuka is going to make lunch for both of them.

Shower done, Fuji wanders into the kitchen towelling wet hair, to find the rice cooker running and Tezuka standing at the hob. "Mmmm... smells nice." He walks up to Tezuka, presses a kiss to the nape of Tezuka's neck and peers over a shoulder to see what is in the wok.

"I told Ooishi." Tezuka says, his tone casual, as he turns off the hob and lays out their lunch of sweet and sour chicken with rice. "About my head."

The gentle smile fades from Fuji's lips.

"He's taking it well." The taller man adds, taking their food to the sofa, because he knows Fuji prefers to eat there. "I - "

Fuji drops himself onto the sofa, moving around until he is comfortable, then crosses his legs under him, his plate of lunch in hand. He gazes at Tezuka, frowning a little with worry, when he hears Tezuka cutting himself off. Tezuka is staring at the food on his lap, eyes blank, lips parted, and completely still.

"Mitsu?" Fuji puts his plate away on the coffee table, then reaches for Tezuka's too, who gives him no reaction. "Mitsu... are you okay?"

Tezuka's lips move, just barely enough to speak, eyes still fixed on his lap. "I..." Then his fingertips touch his lips, as if trying to feel them.

The first thing that jumps to Fuji's mind is that Tezuka is having another headache. But that creasing between Tezuka's brows is different, it is a frown of bitterness, of emotion, rather than physical pain. Moving himself so that he faces Tezuka, Fuji reaches forward to run his hand through the other man's hair.

"Mitsu? What is it? Is your head hurting?" Please don't scare me like this...

"I..." The taller man looks up then, brown eyes meeting blue ones. Fuji cannot believe what he is seeing - Tezuka looks... frightened. "I don't want to go."

There is a dull pain inside Tezuka's head. Words are coming out of nowhere, flying out his lips. Tezuka feels himself speaking, he hears his own words, but he cannot stop.

"I shall look as if I were suffering. I shall look a little as if I were dying. It is like that. Do not come to see that."

"What are you talking about?" The brown eyes stares blankly at him, through him. Fuji whispers, trying to hold down the ache that is threatening to overwhelm him. This isn't Tezuka. Tezuka never says anything like this.

"And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you - only you - will have the stars that can laugh..."

Fuji knows these words; they are lines from his favourite book, a book Tezuka also picked up to read simply because Fuji loves it so much. "Mitsu..." Fuji watches Tezuka clamp a hand over his own lips to stop himself from speaking. The fear and desperation in those brown eyes are so foreign, yet so real.

Tezuka feels his lips moving on their own accord. A hand covering them firmly, he stands up and steps back, away from the sofa, away from Fuji, shaking his head. This isn't happening. He doesn't want to say any of this; he doesn't want Fuji to hear any of this.

But Fuji follows, and reaches for him. With a firm grip on Tezuka's wrist, he removes the hand. "It's okay, Mitsu. It's okay."

Is the blurring vision another effect of his tumour, or are his eyes misting?

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of the stars I shall be laughing."

His head hurts; his heart hurts.

"It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh..."

Two rows of warm tears roll down the cheeks.

When Fuji pulls Tezuka in and embraces him, he feels the tears soak into his t-shirt. He has never seen Tezuka cry, but now they are crying together. Because they both know there will not be any laughing stars, nor little bells ringing in the sky. Death is an absolute end, and Tezuka is truly dying.

"Let me go on by myself..."

What Tezuka wants is simply for Fuji to be happy. He doesn't want Fuji to be there when he dies; he doesn't even want Fuji to be here now and hear all these words coming out of him. He wants to be forgotten, he wants Fuji to move on. But everything is a lie because he aches for Fuji to be here and stay with him until the very end. Because what Tezuka fears is not death, but being forgotten. Leaving Fuji behind, or Fuji leaving him.

And Fuji knows all this.

"I'm yours." Arms winding around the trembling body, Fuji fights to steady his voice. He will be strong; he needs to be strong.

"We'll go to a place where no one will find us. Just you and I. I'll stay with you. I'll always be with you."

-to chapter 6-