Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, I just borrowed them.
Twisting Canon- Part One cont.
Captain Janeway- Personal Log:
The Delta Quadrant. Just the name makes it sound so far from our native Alpha Quadrant. Looking outside at the alien stars and systems we pass…it continually reminds me that we are such a long way from home. Each and every new species we encounter, the aggressive and the peaceful, each new anomaly we pass, whether dangerous or harmless, every passing hour, whether at red alert in the middle of yet another battle or just cruising by, it all reminds me how far away we are, how alone…
I've been thinking about my actions again. The decision that stranded over a hundred people in a hostile quadrant, that condemned a little girl to grow up in continual danger, how I have separated families, stalled careers and, worst of all- I have cost so many people their lives…and then there are the actions I took when we met the Equinox crew.
I still can't believe how I acted. There is no excuse for my behaviour. The worst thing is that I'm not sure that I would have stopped in time; I'm not sure if I would have killed him or not. And Chakotay- god, the way I treated him. I used to listen to people; I was a reasonable person, not so arrogant and self-righteous.
Oh, of course I was given to the occasional impulsive decision, acting on instinct and gut feeling alone, and to listen to Tuvok, an acquaintance of many years and who I've been through much with, I was the sort of person who thrived on danger and the unknown, took countless risks and reckless action. He did actually described me as reckless, once.
But I thought that I was above all, a rational sort of person, sensible, not the type to threaten to kill a man. Noah Lessing admittedly had committed unforgivable offences, but I had no right to judge him, no right to think I was so much better than him. My hypocrisy is excruciatingly clear, given how low I stooped when dealing with him, especially when considering that with a different course of events, I could have been in his position, may have done what I condemned him for. But- it all seems so unreal, even now in hindsight; I still can't imagine what I thought I was doing.
But I think I know the cause. It's this journey of ours, the unremittent dangers we face, the difficult decisions that I must make and the burden of command with no other authority to turn to. Of course, that I would eventually become a power unto myself. But the Prime Directive…the principles I once held so dear- now tainted, abandoned for the sake of expedience; as long as the ends were acceptable, any means were justifiable.
In blunt terms, absolute power corrupts absolutely, isn't that right?
What I did was wrong, and selfish, all the choices I've made since arriving here six years ago, short-sighted, egocentric. I've become a sick, twisted parody of who I was before. I used to look in the mirror and, while not always smiling, perhaps a little heartsore after the beating both physical and mental I and Voyager had taken that day, be at least content that I had done the right thing, that I had a clear conscience.
Now I can't.
I look in the mirror and I can't stand to see myself. The Delta Quadrant has altered me beyond recognition; making me insane, that I would ignore recommendations from my own senior staff, unforgivably threaten a man and place him in physical danger to suitably intimidate him, throw my First Officer in the brig for disagreeing with me- my god. What have I become?
…
End log.