Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, I just borrowed them.
Twisting Canon- Part One cont.
It was almost like a dare. Looking out and seeing the glorious evidence of her stupidity, hour after hour, day after day, soon to stretch into months and years…it was enough to thoroughly crush her spirit. Or whatever little of it remained after all the trials the Delta Quadrant had thrown at her.
Janeway's lips curled derisively as she steadfastly stared out into the expanse of darkness, barely blinking. The Borg would be preferable to this, she thought. Just some light entertainment, a battle of the minds with the Borg Queen would alleviate some boredom, after all. For a while, anyway. She could face an entire fleet of Borg, Kazon, Hirogen, whatever the universe decided to gift her with…and they were all preferable to this Void.
She sighed. What was she really trying to prove anyway? Wrenching her eyes away from the blackness outside, she dragged her body to the bathroom, where she half-heartedly freshened herself. Janeway suddenly felt old and weary, a hundred times her age, at least.
Looking at her reflection was even more disheartening. The numb figure staring back at her seemed to bear quite a resemblance to that barren expanse of space only a few scant metres away, though held back by resolute forcefields. The Void, by definition, was utterly devoid of life in any form that they could discern, and it formed the main component of the next few years of their journey. It mirrored her eyes which had once reflected a vivacity and zest for life, an innate curiosity and insatiable need to know and understand anything and everything around her…now gone.
The tired woman lifted a hand to touch the gaunt face her mirror showed her, touching the harsh angles and lines that had not existed before. It seemed that of all she had faced so far in their journey, trying to make their way back to the Alpha Quadrant and facing obstacles that stood in their way, this subdued sojourn had cost her far more than she had ever had to give.
It's so empty, it leaves me with nothing. Nothing to do, nothing to fight- I wish something here would just fight us, damnit, make me feel anything other than weighed down by suffocating burdens I can't escape from, even in my own mind…She was trapped in an endless cycle of self-recrimination, doomed to repeat it over and over. The Void seemed likely to sap the last remnants of herself that she possessed, and Janeway was hard pressed to think of a way to stop it- or even conjure up the desire to stop it.
Maybe it's purgatory, where I must repent for all the pain I've caused. The pain of all the lives I've doomed by my actions, and of all the lives that will be affected by my selfishness- she clenched her fists, fingernails biting into her skin. This was old territory and Janeway was beginning to hate this mental treadmill, revisiting the same old doubts and worries and fears over and over and over again.
"Damn the Void anyway!" she slammed a fist into the mirror. It felt surprisingly good; that pain let her feel something and that was more than she'd had in a while. Janeway punched the mirror again- and again- and yet again, losing herself in the fury of the moment til she had succeeded in her goal and the last of the shards of glass fell, tinkling softly as they piled up, blood starting to trickle from her cuts.
She raised her hands for inspection, actually a little shocked at the violence of her behaviour. This Quadrant really is changing me. Just imagine what Starfleet would think. But she couldn't really summon up any energy to feel…what, shocked, embarrassed, or anything much. As quickly as her anger had been to ignite, it nowevaporated, gone without a trace, leaving her as empty and alone as before.
Or maybe not as alone as she had thought. Janeway sensed a presence near her, in her quarters. Chakotay, she realised. He must have heard the noise. Well, that's a wonder. How is it I haven't totally alienated him with my bouts of self-pity and despair?
And now he was in there, probably to ask if she were all right- what a stupid question, why do people always ask when the answer is blindingly obvious? - and if he could do anything to help, he would tell her that he was there for her and she could talk to him anytime when her burdens were too heavy to shoulder and she needed comfort.
Then again, he might pick up from earlier and tell her again that now was not the time to isolate herself and that the crew needed her to be there for them- haven't I done enough for them, haven't I bent over backwards to please them for the past five years? - and she should probably involve herself more with what was going on around her.
"Kathryn," he said from behind her, startling her with his nearness. "I heard something- what the hell happened?" he demanded, picking up her limp hands with a gentleness that belied his clear anger, examining her injuries.
"I smashed my mirror," Janeway said simply, emotionlessly.
He looked dryly at the glass on the floor. "I can see that. But why?"
"I wanted to," she said without heat, and not really explaining, uncertain of how to explain the sudden emotional outburst that had translated into the physical attack on her mirror. Not sure which words to use to describe the torrent of anger and frustration that had thoroughly jolted her and moved her to swift action. Unable to phrase exactly what impulse had compelled her to appease it with the destruction of something, anything, around her. And so she remained silent after that one small sentence.
Chakotay, too, remained silent, and the two of them stood there, frozen in a tableau. She swallowed, hands tightening around his. He felt so real…Janeway opened her mouth to say something, speak of the grief and anguish she felt, but then was interrupted by the sudden jerk and shudder as Voyager came to a halt.
"What the hell is going on now?" Janeway asked, looking away for a moment in annoyance. Her fingers grasped air, and when she looked back, eyes wide in dismay, Chakotay was gone as silently as he had appeared. "Chakotay…" Her face set in grim lines and she made her way out, alone, to find exactly what disaster had befallen her ship now.
The doors slid shut on an empty room.
"All right, people, what's the current situation?" Janeway demanded.
"I've managed to hook a power cell up directly to the EPS manifold to get emergency power back online," Torres reported. "When that alien dampening field kicked off a shipwide power loss, which I'm sure you all noticed, it knocked everything offline, including main and auxiliary power, and only independent subsystems were left operational; environmental controls, life support, thank goodness, and holodecks," she rolled her eyes at Paris. "Although now the hologrid in Holodeck 1 has blown out, thanks to flyboy and the Doctor. Anyhow, those secondary systems are just going to have to wait for now, til we have time to spare to look at them properly."
"From too much time to too little," Paris muttered. Janeway turned cold eyes on him. "Uh, I'm fine too, Captain," he hastily covered up. "Burns all gone."
She nodded, turning to look at the screen that currently displayed a feed from Sickbay, enabling the hologram who functioned as the ship's CMO to participate in the meeting. "Doctor?"
"The alien is still unconscious, though it should be regaining consciousness shortly."
"Fine. I want to know the minute it's awake- I have a few questions for it," Janeway said grimly.
"Why did the aliens and those three other ships flee? They had the upper hand," Harry Kim asked, confused.
"They may be photosensitive," Seven spoke up. "After all, one must adapt to survive, and living in a starless region such as this, their physiology must have evolved to allow them to survive in this complete darkness."
"That makes sense. But I'm less interested in their physiology than in the reason for their unprovoked attack on us."
"Captain?" The Doctor interrupted. "The alien is awake."
Eyebrows raised, Janeway dismissed her staff as she headed down to Sickbay with him to get some answers.
The Doctor intercepted her as she made for the alien. "Captain, I just thought I should let you know, he has high levels of theta radiation poisoning. Given my lack of knowledge about his species, I'm not certain whether it's fatal, but tread softly."
Janeway nodded. "Now," she said, crossing her arms as she studied the alien. "I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. I'm interested in exactly why your people wanted to fire on us?"
"It was a mistake," the alien explained. "We could not know that you were new strangers; we thought you were the other one." Dislike was emphasized on the last words.
"The 'other one'?" Janeway said sceptically.
"I am dying," the alien said coldly, sensing that scepticism. "We were living a peaceful existence here, no others to fight with us over territory, few ships pass through to disrupt our life- then this Malon character comes and starts polluting our home! We are all suffering from the poisonous quality of his chemicals!"
Janeway remained silent for a few moments, thinking it through.
"Sensors did pick up high levels of theta radiation," she murmured. "This Malon must be using the- 'Void' as a dumping ground for antimatter waste."
There was anger growing inside her. The Federation had worked to make sure that warp would not destroy space when they had realized the effect of warp engines, designing ships with this problem in mind; Voyager herself possessed a transkinetic chamber that processed the residual antimatter, breaking it down on a subatomic level.
Such irresponsibility, to wantonly pollute another being's environment, regardless of the consequences to its health and lifestyle- it was abhorrent to her, and she itched to get her hands on the person who had perpetrated the current state of affairs. But one thing puzzled her about it all. How was this person dumping waste here? One would hardly travel out a few years in order to transport antimatter reactants.
Putting the question to the alien, she was elated by the answer, "There is a spatial vortex nearby. We know it is what Malon uses as means to pollute us; however, we have no means of sabotaging it. I realize our relations have not starting out promisingly, but you must see how wrong this is. We do not have resources with which to defend ourselves, but perhaps you do- and I beg you not to hold this incident against our entire race, because if you do nothing, we are all doomed. Captain," he finished with a desperate plea, "help us."
Janeway nodded. "I promise you, I will do whatever is necessary."
The alien sank back down on the bio-bed. "Thank you."
She shrugged it off. "We need you to contact your people, let them know we're not a threat and that we're going to help. Do you feel up to it?" The alien nodded. "Very well. Doctor," she nodded at him, passing the buck.
"Where are you going?" the Doctor raised an eyebrow at his task, one that he, as a physician, was rarely called upon to perform.
"I'll be in Astrometrics."
A plan was slowly forming in her mind, one that would save the Void aliens and also enable her to pay the price for her actions. It was, as Seven would say, efficient. A grim smile of satisfaction appeared, as she entered the turbolift
As she made preparations, a voice came over her commbadge in the stilted tones of her Vulcan officer. "Captain, we have transported the alien to his people following resolution of the mistaken hostilities between our ships. They are returning to their homeworld."
"Acknowledged," she murmured, absorbed in finetuning her plans. "Keep me informed on our progress to the Vortex."
"Understood. Tuvok out."
Janeway returned to the task at hand: readying a class-2 shuttle armed with photon explosives. She needed rations, medical supplies; things that would help her survive the solitary two-year sojourn through the Void.
"Kathryn?" a voice spoke up from her side. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Someone has to destroy the vortex from this side."
"But you're the Captain," the shock was clear in his voice.
For all the good that does me. I'm so tired of being the Captain and nothing else… "It seems the only choice. I'm not ordering someone else to do what I'm not willing to do myself. It's too much to ask."
"It's too much to ask of anyone," he argued. "There has to be another way. Don't do anything rash just yet."
"Really, Chakotay," there was warmth in her voice as she asked him, "Have you ever known me to be rash?"
"Quite often, actually," he grinned at her.
Smiling back, for a moment she considered backing out of her decision. The ship needed a captain, did it not? No, that is just cowardice speaking, she told herself firmly. A captain had not done her job properly if she were irreplaceable- the crew had been trained to function even in the event of the command team's demise. And if anyone experienced some personal sorrow over her death, unlikely as that might be… well, they would adapt.
"I have to do this," Janeway said resolutely. "There's not that much for me to live for, anymore. Not since…" she broke off, unwilling to think of that incident.
Just as the Wicked Stepmother in 'Snow White' had resolved, in the end, to do the deed herself, so would she. Of course, where the woman in the fairy tale had failed, she would succeed, because life wasn't dictated by whimsical morals or equality or fairness. In real life, Snow White would have died, Prince Charming would have fallen in love with some blonde bimbo and the Seven Dwarves would have been persecuted for their abnormalities. The Wicked Stepmother would have triumphed and the kingdom would have gone to hell in a hand basket. A wry grin flashed across her face at her lapse into the memory of an ancient fairytale before she reapplied herself to the necessary preparation.
On the bridge, Harry Kim was puzzled by odd readings from his console.
"Commander," he said hesitantly, trying to maintain his balance as the vortex jostled Voyager around, working a moment longer at his station to verify what he was seeing.
"What is it, Ensign?" Tuvok asked from the command section of the bridge.
"The shuttle bay doors are open… and there is no record of the order being issued."
"There should be a record," Tuvok said, tapping an order into his console before raising an eyebrow. "You are correct. Odd."
"Gee, thanks," the ensign muttered under his breath, though not out of the Vulcan's superior hearing range.
Tuvok refrained from replying, recognizing from long association with humans that the statement was not intended as anything other than mere rhetoric.
"Hey, Tuvok," Kim added on a more professional note. "I'm picking up a shuttle out there."
"Onscreen," Tuvok studied the class-2 shuttle with concern. "Lifesigns?"
"One- it's the Captain!"
The Vulcan stood. "Hail her."
Kim tapped the controls. "She's not responding. And- I can't get a lock on her. The tractor beam is offline."
Ahead of Voyager, as the ride grew bumpier and bumpier, pinpricks of light could be seen, stars after so many weeks in the darkness…
Tom Paris had not been liking what he was hearing, but he kept more of his attention on his flying. He didn't want Voyager to end up splattered on the sides of the Vortex. Finally, the bumpy ride was over and he could confront the situation. "All right, Tuvok, we're safely out of the Void, now what the hell is going on?" Paris swivelled to look at his First Officer, who did not bother to reprimand him for insubordination, aware that the lieutenant would only ignore a dressing down, or judge it well earned, in his current state.
"The Captain," Tuvok said in reply.
"Yeah…come on, be a little more forthcoming."
"She stayed behind to destroy the vortex, to save those aliens," Kim whispered, readouts informing him that it had been destroyed. "She must have deployed the torpedoes just after we got through to this end."
"Correct, Ensign."
At Kim's words, the pilot's face had turned incredulous, and with Tuvok's confirmation, he burst out, "Why did she decide to go off on her own?" Paris just could not understand. "What the hell was she thinking?"
"I do not believe she was thinking clearly, Lieutenant," Tuvok said, a trace of sadness entering his normally detached voice.
"So…what happens now?" Kim asked quietly.
Tuvok had the attention of the entire bridge.
"We adapt. It appears that I am now in command of this vessel and," Tuvok said, maintaining eye contact with Paris, " as next in the hierarchy, you are now First Officer."
Paris started to say something but nothing came out of his mouth. Still in shock, he turned back to the front, unable to comprehend just how the situation had changed.
"Tuvok to all hands. We have safely made it out of the Void, however, Captain Janeway has left Voyager to remain behind and destroy the vortex in order to prevent the aliens from being further victimized by Malon. I am now in command, with Lieutenant Commander Paris as First Officer."
The new XO flapped a hand over his shoulder at Tuvok.
"Great, a promotion. You'll forgive me if I don't sound overjoyed at this step up the ladder in the chain of command."
"I will be in my ready room," Tuvok said with some irony. "You have the bridge.'
-End Pt1-