The Big Ass Finish (that is actually not a big finish but a small and swift one.)

Near the end of SG-1's briefing

"…the president has nevertheless decided to take action."

Sam was shocked. "But sir, we didn't put the fungus there! Anyway, according to my calculations, the fungus with have no negative effects on either the Stargate or any personnel on the base."

The rest of SG-1 was sitting mouths open at what was being said. Even Teal'c's jaw was dropped about three centimeters, which was three centimeters larger than it usually was.

Daniel opened his mouth to say something, but Hammond beat him to it. Obviously, he was starting to lose his patience.

"SG-1, the president has given me a direct order! Tomorrow, you will all be scrubbing the fungus off the Stargate with toothbrushes and that is final! There's nothing that I can do." He got up from his customary spot at the head of the table and went into his office, closing the door behind him. There was an awkward silence. Daniel was the first to break it.

"I don't understand this! The president? I voted for him!"

O'Neill looked furious. "We have orders, Daniel. I guess tomorrow, we'll be scrubbing the Stargate with our toothbrushes." He paused for a moment. "My old one's blue. What colour is yours, T?"

"It is indeed purple with yellow polka dots, O'Neill," said Teal'c profoundly, although the question and answer called for no such tone.

"What about you Danny? Carter?"

"Mine's green," said Daniel.

"And I have a red toothbrush," said Sam, staring out the window and at the Stargate, wondering how long it would take to clean the bloody thing.

The next day, at fungus-scrubbing time

"How the hell are we going to get this done within the year?" Daniel was not a very happy camper. He hated to clean things, and his office was a accurate example of his opinions, with artifacts strewn randomly on all shelves, old coffee cups sitting in an allocated corner and the only item visible on his desk through the sea of papers was the picture of Sha're.

"I have an idea to make things easier," Sam said, thinking out loud, and disappeared for five minutes. When she returned, she visited Harriman Davis in the control room and told him to input one co-ordinate into the Stargate dialing computer. Confused, he did as ordered and the Stargate began to spin.

Sam returned to the embarkation room with her toothbrush and a heavy bucket of water proudly donated by General Hammond.

"What did you do?" asked Daniel whose temper had softened a little. She smiled and walked up the ramp, an angry Daniel, a sleepy O'Neill and an expressionless Teal'c following her, each also carrying their own tooth cleaning devices. The chevron of the only co ordinate that she had dialed locked, then the inner ring of the Stargate began to spin in the opposite direction. Sam placed the head of her toothbrush onto the spinning part of the 'gate. The rest of SG-1 followed suit, standing there while the ring spun and it do the job for them.

"Way to go, Carter! How'd ya come up with this one?" O'Neill was rather impressed when in only 20 minutes they had completed cleaning the entire inner ring.

Sam shook her head. "No, I didn't think of this." O'Neill gave her a look that wondered where she had got the idea from, so she explained. "On the last day of grade 12, some kids went crazy, got a permanent marker, stood on a desk and held it to the fan while it was still on to make patterns."

"What's this?" asked Daniel, whom, along with Teal'c, had been listening to the conversation. "Geez, we really must ask you where you get your ideas more often (!)"

After the inner ring was clean, the dialing procedure was aborted and they had to perform some acrobatics and monkey business (namely, standing on one another's shoulders to reach and scrub half way, then, using ropes and the muscles of Teal'c and O'Neill, Sam and Daniel climbing up to clean the very top of the 'gate.

SG-1 stood in front of the f-ing cleanest Stargate they had ever seen, admiring the work of treacherous hours.

Daniel sighed. "Good thing no SG teams came through while we were cleaning, doncha think?"

O'Neill nodded. "Yeah."

Then, the chevrons started glowing. SG-1 had many different opinions on many different things, but this was one instance where they all thought the same thing.

"Aww shit."

Each dived to the side just as the Stargate came to life and the vortex flushed out. Picking themselves up, they saw General Hammond in the control room, ordering the iris closed. A radio message was being sent through.

"Hello? Hello, Jahamabingbong, are you there? You forgot your underwear for the big trip!"

Hammond spoke. "My name is General George Hammond of the planet Earth. With whom am I speaking?"

The person on the other end sounded mildly surprised. "Oh, I'm sorry dear, wrong number. I was wondering…I've thrown something through your Chaapa'ai before: some fungus. Did you get it?" And the Stargate shut itself off.

SG-1 looked at each other.

"That was weird," said O'Neill. Daniel, Sam and Teal'c nodded in agreement, and went off to get changed a do something of cosmic significance (a.k.a. nothing).

But that plan soon went down the plughole when…bah bah baaaaaaa

They had to do something.

-OMFG-

I know this is a really bad ending to a story with a horrid storyline, really sucky jokes and was written by someone who is obsessed with the stuff that grows in the shower (and you're going "no shit!") but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed getting weirded out by it. Thanks for reviewing and using up your broadband downloads and time in the internet to read my chapter/s. I really appreciate it.

All of my gratitude to all of you,

Looneybin.