A/N: Nicole + Wizard of Oz + ASoUE + Sugar + My awesome play performance which made me very hyper Insane FanFic!
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing I tell you, nothing! Well, I own the sugar…but that is all!
ISHACA (Insane Sugar High Author Control Association) Warning: If you make the sad, sad choice to read this FanFic, do not sue if you end up emotionally scarred or deeply disturbed. Sudden bursts of randomness may occur in the following text. You have been forewarned!
A Scene from Book the Thirteenth: The Wicked Witch is Dead
"Neeheeheeheehee!" Olaf cackled insanely standing high above the Baudelaires and on the cold stone staircase. He held an hour glass high above his head. The red sand switching places between each bulb, not able to make up its mind of which one to stay put in.
This is it Violet Baudelaire thought to herself, stuck in a corner after a dreadful castle chase only to be caught once and for all. Olaf's assistants began to close in on them. Fiona and Fernald, who were double-double agents brought in the Quagmires, whose hands were tied tightly behind them, and then all three pairs of hands bound together. The three of them looked at the Baudelaires with pleading looks in their eyes. The evilly insane Snow Scouts aimed their harpoon guns directly at the Baudelaires and took a few steps closer. "Don't kill them right away!" Esmé, who was standing next to Olaf on a stair balcony thing, crowed.
"Yes," Olaf agreed. "We'll let them think about it first…" Olaf drummed his fingers on his precious hourglass. Klaus' eyes frantically searched around, but all the while avoiding both Fiona and Isadora's stares. Then he found it. There on the ceiling was an enormous chandelier. This always works in the movies Klaus thought I just hope it works now.
"Sunny!" he shouted. "Look! A tasty rope!" Sunny's mouth curved into a happy baby smile, revealing her four pointy teeth. Violet lifted her younger sister's face to the thick rope on the wall and with one clean bite Sunny snapped the rope in two! The chandelier fell from above and landed hard on top of the criminal Snow Scouts. They all dropped their harpoon guns and shielded their heads with their arms (which didn't help much) and shrieked in terror because…well, what would you do if a big, imposing chandelier was about to squish you? The Widdershin siblings also, in shock, jumped away from the Quagmire triplets and went running, thus allowing the Quagmires to try to move around. But, as I'm sure you could imagine, it is hard to move around when you do not possess the use of your hands, and you are trying to push against to other people's backs in order to move.
"Ow! Duncan! You stepped on my foot!" Isadora squeaked.
"But that wasn't me, Izzy! That was Quigley!" Duncan shouted back.
"Hey! I'm no klutz!" Quigley retorted in distress.
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Besides, I thought you could tell the difference between us!"
"But I can't even see you!" Isadora shrieked back in grief as Duncan and Quigley ran forward, causing her to be dragged behind them. As Olaf and Esmé watched this affair in delight, the Baudelaires desperately tried to find a way to escape the corner they had been…cornered in. Violet was moving so frantically that her hair kept on falling into her face, no matter how tightly she had previously pulled her black hair ribbon.
"Awesome!" Sunny shrieked in delight as a panel of wall slid open before her.
"Great job, Sunny!" Klaus said, congratulating his sister as they hurried through the passageway, but only, to their great displeasure, to find themselves in another hallway. But in a flash they once again took off running.
By now the Quagmires had finally figured out a system of movement and escaped out the door that the Widdershin siblings had also fled through. Only now did Olaf discover something that made him throw his hourglass off the balcony stair thing in rage. "They've escaped!" he hollered as the hourglass took flight into oblivion in a great explosion of scarlet sand (a.k.a. blew up).
"It is not at all in for two sets of orphans to escape from two villains' clutches!" Esmé scoffed. "After them!" she yelled, pointing her pointy green-nailed finger at no one in particular, considering that everyone else in the room was trapped underneath a giant chandelier, moaning about how much it hurts when a massive iron-wood chandelier falls on top of you. "Auughh!" Esmé cried in rage, and stomped down the stone steps in her pink and olive, 5 ½ heeled shoes. "Seize them, seize them!" she screeched at the Snow Scouts in blind fury. They all did as they were told, wriggled out from under the iron and wood chandelier, and gathered up their harpoon guns to 'seize them' as Esmé had commanded.
"Half of you go one way, half of you go the other!" Olaf bellowed before the Snow Scouts could move.
"Seize them, seize them!"
The Baudelaires raced through gray stone passageway after gray stone passageway, barely noticing how short of breath they felt, how their feet were almost numb. They only kept their eyes locked on the darkness ahead of them. This castle seemed to be nothing more than a maze of drab granite when… "Oh no!"
"What is it, Klaus?" Violet asked. The Baudelaires had been running in a straight line; Klaus leading the way, Violet keeping close behind, and Sunny in Violet's arms. Since Violet was immediately behind Klaus, she could not see anything in from of her besides the very top of her brother's head and the wall beyond. But once she took a single step over she saw what Klaus was gaping at.
So far, the hallways had had only given one choice of what direction to go, no other doors. Now the siblings had entered an octagon shaped room with a door on each wall. Seven choices of what direction to go…how ironic. But then they siblings perked their ears up. Voices seemed to be coming from once of the doorways.
"Okay, left foot, right foot-NO! Left foot…wait…"
"For George's sake Duncan, make up your mind!"
"Who's George?"
"Shut up!"
"Well sorry I was only being curious!"
"Well okay then, Curious George!"
"I'm not a monkey!"
"GAH!"
"Of course you're not a monkey, Quigley! Isadora just realized that the name George just so happened to be the name of a curious primate! It was a total coincidence!"
"Oooh…thank you for enlightening me, Duncan."
"Will you two pay attention to where we're walk-AH!" Shrieks and thuds followed Isadora's scream as the Baudelaires stared blankly at the doorway. Suddenly, a blurry green, black, and blue, six-legged figure went skidding across the floor, sending the Baudelaire…hairs flying across their faces. However, it just so happened that this six-legged figure was wearing three thick wool sweaters, wore two pairs of khaki pants, and a khaki skirt with gray knee socks. The figure also had three heads, all three of which had dark, dark brown hair. Two had the faces of identical boys and the last of the three had the face of a girl with curled shoulder-length hair, and was wearing a navy headband. If you ever saw such a creature, I would advise you to scream at the top of your lungs and run around your town yelling about how a creature that couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to be male or female had just invaded and wanted to destroy you all. Fortunately, such a creature does not exist. You as a reader probably well know that these were in fact three triplets who had their hands bound together and were back-to-back.
"I'm free!" 1/3 of the creature shouted in triumph, breaking away from the other 2/3 of itself.
"And now that you're free, can you untie us?" The female 1/3 of itself asked, evidently annoyed. Once they were all freed and standing next to one another, the Baudelaires knew that they were the Quagmire triplets.
But there was no time for a reunion, for shadows suddenly darkened the walls of two doorways, and instantly the six friends were surrounded by twice as many psychotic harpoon gun-carrying Snow Scouts as before. Esmé and Olaf emerged behind, imposing as ever. "Well, well, well," Esmé guffawed. "Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of harpoon guns!" Olaf cackled menacingly, which greatly punctuated Esmé's statement. Then both villains broke through the barrier of sadistic Snow Scouts to stand firmly in front of the six orphans. Olaf smiled.
"The last to go, will see their little friends go before them," Olaf stated, "And their mangy little infant too!" He snapped his fingers. Fernald and Fiona, who were shaking, appeared at his side.
"Master can't hurt me! I have the birthday present!" Fernald screamed in terror.
"The precious!" Fiona added fearfully. "Aye!" Esmé blinked. Since Esmé seemed in complete shock, Olaf took over once again.
"The last to go will see their little triplet friends go before them," Olaf repeated, then snapped his fingers again. The Widdershin siblings stood at attention.
"Count Sir Ma'am, yes, Count Sir Ma'am!" Fernald shouted.
"You can reduce that to Count…"
"Count, yes, Count!"
"Much better," Olaf said happily. "Now, as I was saying…gets all menacing and evil again The last to go, will see their three little triplet friends go before them! Triangle Eyes!" Fiona came to attention.
"Count, yes, Count! Aye!" she shouted. Olaf sighed a depressed villain sigh.
"Please don't do that…" he muttered. Fiona remained silent.
"As I was saying," Olaf continued again. "Triangle Eyes! You get to pick who goes first!" Fiona's eyes lit up behind her glasses. She began to jump up and down and squeal like a little school girl. She pointed a happy finger right at…can you guess who? Yep, she pointed right at Isadora Quagmire.
"Ooh! Ooh! I want her to die first! I want...um, er…that Dora the Explorer Kwagmeer to go first!" Fiona squealed and giggled and clapped her hands. Isadora stared open-mouthed…as did Klaus and Duncan and Quigley and Violet and Sunny, but Klaus was the more important one because…oh you know!
"My name is Isadora Quagmire, and for Boots' sake I do not have a singing backpack!" Isadora said through gritted teeth.
"You said another monkey's name!" Quigley exclaimed. The others took no notice, except Duncan, who slapped him. Olaf, who had been pacing, spoke.
"Hookey," he asked, "Are thick wool sweaters flammable?"
"Count, yes, Count!"
"Yes? They are?"
"Count, yes, Count!"
"I'm willing to find out," Olaf said, lit a match, and took another step towards the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans. The others tried to guard Isadora, but it was too late. Olaf tossed the match and it landed squarely on Isadora's black sweater sleeve. She screamed, but it didn't put the fire that was spreading up her sleeve out. She screamed again, but that didn't make a difference either. She continued to scream, and scream, but each time nothing happened to the spreading flame…scoffs why would anything?
Duncan and Quigley were panicking, Klaus was hyperventilating, and Sunny was…cooking a marshmallow over Isadora's burning sleeve! But Violet was thinking fast. Her eyes quickly analyzed the room and right beside stood a pail of water. She seized the bucket and threw the water out with all of her might. The liquid quickly doused Isadora's sleeve (and the good spirits of Fiona, who was looking forward to her burning.) but also hit Olaf squarely in the face. A sizzling sound was heard and Olaf began to sink slowly into the floor. Esme finally showed signs of life. "Gasp!" she said.
"You cursed Baude-brat!" Olaf screeched. "I'm melting, I'm melting. Oh, what a world, what a world. Who ever knew that a good little girl like you would destroy my beautiful wickedness? I'm going, I'm going, I'm gone…" and after that, Olaf was nothing more than a puddle on the floor.
"Creepo," Sunny breathed. One of the insane Snow Scouts stepped forward. His blank gaze looked down at the…flat…Olaf on the floor, then at the orphans' faces.
"You," he said. "You killed him."
"Yeperoo!" Sunny cried.
"No, nonononono," Violet started quickly. "No, that was a mistake! I was only trying to put Isadora out. I didn't mean to kill him, I honestly didn't--" The Snow Scout pounded his harpoon gun against the ground.
"All hail Violet! The wicked witch is dead!" The Snow Scout yelled, standing over the Olaf puddle.
"All hail Violet! The wicked witch is dead!" his companions repeated in unison, cheering for The Baudelaires. Isadora ran forward.
"May we have her broom?" she asked. The Snow Scout looked puzzledly at her.
"What broom?" He asked. Isadora blushed and stepped backward, meekly.
"Err…never mind." After the cheering died down, Esmé slowly and solemnly stepped forward.
"Ooomigosh, melted villains are like so totally out!" she squeaked. And then all of the Snow Scouts filed out of the room along with the Widdershin siblings and Esme. Quigley looked pensive for a moment then broke the silence.
"You know," he said, "I think I saw this in a movie somewhere…"
TA DA! The product of my insanity! At some points it is just utterly random, but I did warn you, you have to admit it…puzzledly isn't a word, but in my mind it is!