2. Kill Me

I loved you, and I should have said it,

But tell me, just what has it ever meant?

- Kill, by Jimmy Eat World -

Something wasn't right. As he stumbled through deserted streets barely lit by the pale moonlight, he knew something was just about to go terribly, horribly wrong. Or already had.

The silence was eerie, broken only by his panting breaths and the sound of his boots as they scraped over the cobblestone. Luca, he was in the outskirts of Luca, but why? And why did that dreadful feeling of foreboding keep rising like bile in his throat, even while his stomach felt like a ball of lead tangled in his guts?

And then he rounded a corner, one of many, and just knew. Knew why he had felt like his world was about to crumble; knew why his heart had refused a steady beating; knew why he would never, ever find a single moment of peace again for the rest of his life.

With a choked sob, he tumbled forward, dropping on his knees beside the prone figure discarded on the street like a lump of trash. Trembling hands reached for a shoulder, and gently turned the limp body around. The shaking started in earnest as he stared into the slack face of his best friend.

"Please," he whispered, voice cracking, "please…", but even if he had known to whom he was pleading, it didn't really take a genius to realize it would have been in vain anyway, you just had to look at the dark splattered chest; nobody could lose that much blood and survive, it was too late for phoenix feathers, yet he kept begging even as he gathered the unmoving body in his arms and buried his face in his friend's cold neck and broke down and cried, cried…

"Baralai!"

Gippal awoke with a start, tangled in the sheets, heart racing. He stared around wildly, disoriented, and the door to his bedroom flew open.

"Gippal?"

He choked, and Nhadala only took one short look at his pale face before grabbing the wastepaper basket and shoving it under his nose just as he began to heave. Painful cramps shuddered through his body as he emptied his stomach, clutching the sheets in a white-knuckled grip. Finally, the tremors eased, and he could breathe, albeit shakily. She ran a gentle hand over his sweaty forehead.

"Another nightmare?"

"Yeah, a real doozy," he managed, hating his voice for trembling.

"Like the others."

"Yeah." He let himself fall back with a weary sigh, hitting the mattress with a thump. "Like the others."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It was hard to resist Nhadala's sympathetic smile, and he didn't really want to. After his parents' death she had become something of an older sister to him, first looking out for a lost young boy with too much energy to spare, then following him as he built up the Machine Faction. Nobody could have become his right hand but her. Two days ago she had returned from Bikanel to get the foundation of her new ministry organized, and he had been glad about it. She still looked out for him, and he wasn't ashamed to admit that right now, he needed her to.

So he told her. Told her about cobblestones and panic. About blood and despair. And about that strange thing he only ever noticed on the verge of waking up, that feeling of dark satisfaction in the back of his mind, the flash of hatred, of doom. The pull that spoke of cold madness, a siren call, faintly but there, luring him to Bikanel. To Home.

And that was crazy, wasn't it? Home was gone.

"It's just a dream, tynmehk."

"But that's just it. They don't feel like dreams. More like that time when Shuyin was controlling us and I could feel his emotions. It's as if there's a shadow of him still inside of me."

"He rests now. He's gone." Nhadala's voice was as soothing as her touch, lulling him back to slumber.

"I know. I guess it's just a memory." Gippal's voice didn't sound convincing to his own ears, but sleep was really pulling at him now, and Nhadala didn't comment on it.

"Sleep. You need it. There's much to do tomorrow."

"Yeah. I know."

The young Al Bhed yawned, and closed his eyes, taking comfort in the knowledge that his 'sister' would stay the rest of the night.

The next morning didn't find Gippal exactly refreshed, but the light of day helped chase the remnants of his nightmare away. That, and his people. He went around, bickering good naturedly, pointing out errors to the machina researchers, answering questions of the engineers, and sometimes just joking, relaxing in the knowledge that here he could be himself without anybody raising their eyebrows. While he still felt a little put off by that whole Bevelle thing, he could easily admit that he wasn't the right Al Bhed to represent his people in the Spira Union. He just wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut, and one of their members running around offending the public wasn't exactly what the new government needed.

So he shrugged it off, and went back to work. The serious Nhadala wouldn't have any problems of that kind in the big city. And if there were any trouble, well, he'd be there.

They were in the cramped, disorganized room he euphemistically called his "office", sticking their heads together over the question of whom to include in the ministry and whom to keep in Djose, when the door flew open and a very familiar figure stormed into the room.

"You didn't even say goodbye!"

"Why, hello to you, too, Baralai," Gippal drawled, leaning back. Nhadala looked as if she wasn't sure if she should stay or go, but before she could say anything, Baralai had reached their table and slammed his hands down on the clattered surface, leaning into Gippal's personal space.

"Why did you leave?" he demanded angrily.

"I wasn't needed. Why waste my time on talking, when I can be here and fix things?" came the answer.

"Not- not needed?" His friend stared at him incredulously. He straightened, threw his hands in the air, and started pacing. "Are you stupid or something?"

Gippal didn't think he'd ever seen Baralai so agitated. He didn't know what to make of it. But he was starting to grow angry himself. Trying to rein in his temper, he said, "Look, the Al Bhed will join your little party soon enough, once we get the organisation figured out. But it won't be me."

"Why not? How can it be anybody but you?"

"I'm not the right person for that job."

"You saved Spira!" Baralai yelled. Something in Gippal snapped.

"That doesn't make me a fucking politician!" he yelled right back. "I don't have what it takes for that shit! At least with the Al Bhed, I don't have to sit around all day and talk about things. I just see to it that they get done!"

"And so you thought it would be a good idea to just leave? Without telling anyone?"

"I told Nooj!"

"You didn't tell me!"

"It took you three days to notice!"

"Yeah, well, I was busy! Some of us have work to do!"

"Are you saying I don't?"

They stared at each other across the room, breathing heavily from shouting. Baralai was the first to look away.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." He sighed. "I know what you're doing here is important. It's just- I wanted to talk to you, and you were gone."

Gippal suppressed a smile. So Baralai had come to find him. It made something inside him thaw, just a little.

"Look, why don't you stay a while? We could catch up on what's been going on in Bevelle the last few days."

Baralai shook his head. "I can't. Paine and I are on our way to Luca. We just stopped by to see how you were doing."

And just like that, the warmth was gone. Baralai and Paine. Go figure.

"Ah. Well, have a nice journey, then. Excuse me. I'm still tired, and we do have work here."

"Tired? What, don't they let you sleep in Djose?" Baralai smiled.

When Gippal didn't answer, Nhadala spoke up.

"He keeps having nightmares."

"She knows how you sleep?" The ex-praetor shot her an unreadable look.

"Well, since she is the one seeing me through the nights, yes, she would know. What is this, an investigation?" Gippal asked, irritated.

His friend frowned at that. "Sorry," he said stiffly. "We'll be on our way, then. Take care."

Baralai turned to leave, and something that had been nagging at Gippal finally stopped knocking at the back of his mind to scream for attention. He paled.

"No, wait. You're going to Luca?"

"Yes. We're thinking of setting up the Spira Union there. Neutral territory," Baralai answered, and turned to face him. "Why?"

"You shouldn't. Go there, I mean. You really, really shouldn't."

"Why?" his friend asked again, raising an eyebrow.

"Because you'll die there," Gippal blurted out, and inwardly cursed himself.

"Excuse me?"

"It's the dream! Something's there, something that will kill you. Or rather, I think something's in Bikanel, with Home," the Al Bhed knew he was babbling, but he carried on. "I don't know what it is, maybe Shuyin isn't gone like we thought, maybe he'll possess Paine and kill you. Just- just don't go to Luca!"

Baralai just stared at him, while Nhadala shook her head. "Is this about Paine?" he asked finally. "I know I kind of neglected you for her, but-"

"This isn't about Paine!" Gippal ran both hands through his hair, and tried to get his point across. "Look, I know it sounds crazy, but you can't go to Luca. Setting up the Spira Union there is a really bad idea."

His friends eyes were cold, as was his voice.

"You left, Gippal. So you'll excuse us if we don't ask for your agreement before making any decisions. No need for pouting."

"What? I'm not-"

"Please!" Baralai interrupted, seething with anger, "'Don't go to Luca because I dreamed you'll die'? I know you can be a little crazy sometimes, but this is bullshit. And if you think I'll let Paine go alone and stay here because you feel left out, you've got another one coming. You made a decision, Gippal, so stick with it. Grow up."

With that, his friend turned, and left. Gippal could just stare, open-mouthed, at the now closed door. Then he looked at Nhadala, still lost for words. She returned his gaze with sympathetic eyes.

"Huh," he finally managed. "That went well."

tynmehk – darling