Neon Genesis Excel Saga by Bill Martin

I, Bill Martin, do hereby swear that I do not own any of the intellectual properties represented in the following fanfic (aside from my self-insertion), but please enjoy this fanfic version of what would have happened if Excel Saga had parodied Neon Genesis Evangelion.

*Bill stamps his signature*

Dramatic music flows as Eva Unit-01 is seen facing off against an enemy that is currently obscured from the view by a large building. The view switches to just behind the Eva pilot, the Angel is still not in view, but Misato is seen on a communication screen. Misato screams, "You've got to snap out of it! You're the only one that can save Tokyo-3 now." The camera moves to now see the pilot. Koshi Rikdo is seen frantically trying to control the Eva, and he then blasts back at the screen, "I told you, my sink ratio is one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen!" Misato replies, "If that's gonna be your attitude, you might as well make out your will." Koshi thinks about it, and then says, "Ok, here it goes: I, Koshi Rikdo, do hereby not give my permission, not that it matters, to turn the Excel Saga television series into an Evangelion parody fanfic. NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY THING!" Gendo, who has been watching this whole fiasco, looks up and says, "Activate the dummy plug..." Misato agrees, and Eva Unit-01 is seen getting an evil glare, The camera pans enough to see the giant Angel, as it utters a word... "Pucchuuuuuuuuu?"

*A dark screen with Koshi Rikdo's bloody signature is shown, and the opening credits roll*

*After the opening credits finish, the scene starts off in the Ideological Organization of A.C.R.O.S.S.'s underground lair. Lord Il Palazzo is seated, as usual, and Hyatt and Excel are standing with their left arms raised.

Excel shouts, "HAIL, LORD IL PALAZZO!" Hyatt can be heard only at the end uttering, "-zo."

Lord Il Palazzo lets a small smile cross his face, but Hyatt & Excel don't notice it, since they are awaiting their orders. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you in, aren't you..."

"Well, now that you mention it, Lord Il Palazzo, it certainly would be helpful, but being able to merely bask in your glorious presence is mere reason enough for your most humble servant, " Excel mutters, being her usual self.

"Oh Senior," Hyatt responds, "I doubt he would order us here if it wasn't important."

Il Palazzo smirks more visibly and says, "How astute of you, Hyatt. I brought you here because I wanted you two to go on a mission which will test the very fabric of your being, and push you the edge of your physical limits..."

Excel interrupts, "Were gonna go save the world from destruction so that A.C.R.O.S.S. can claim responsibility for saving the world, and then demand that they, in turn, give us control of the world we just saved?" Lord Il Palazzo replies, "No, Excel..."

Hyatt thinks for a second and asks, "Are we going to go off on a mystic quest to the far edges of civilization to assemble an ancient artifact of immense power, and then using that artifact to take over F City?" Lord Il Palazzo nods his head and then replies, "No, my dear Hyatt... I am sending you two on a mission to be actors."

The duo replied in unison, "Actors? ACTORS?!"

Il Palazzo waits a second or so for it to sink in, and then starts up with, "A.C.R.O.S.S. has many different branches, and our branch in the United States of America was approached by a director to do a remake of some series from Japan that he found interesting and has asked for various Japanese people to fill the various roles. So, after checking around with A.C.R.O.S.S. HQ, he's been sent here to find the roles, and over the past few days he's checked up on you and followed you through your daily routines..."

Excel starts looking nervous and asks, "Even during those private moments when I...?"

Il Palazzo quickly cuts off her question with, "No, he let you have your private moments, but he was wanting to make sure that you could fill the roles he has openings for. As a matter of fact, I'll introduce you to him now..."

A mysterious figure walks out from the shadows where he lurked, and introduces himself, "Hi, my name is Bill, and I'm the director of the movie, as well as the author of this fanfic."

Excel gets a quizzical look on her face, and she scratches her head before asking, "What's a fanfic?"

Bill responds, "Um... Never mind. I've seen what you two ladies are capable of, and I feel that I can definitely add the two of you. Hyatt?"

"Yes, Bill?" she replied before collapsing on the floor in a pool of blood.

"Oooookay...," Bill hesitantly replies, "when she gets out of that... um... whatever it is, she's going to be playing the role of Maya Ibuki, since she'll be useful for the scenes that require fainting, and that sort of thing. And as to you, the lovely looking strawberry-blonde Excel..."

"Um... Lord Il Palazzo, he's scaring me...", she replies.

"Now, now, Excel, this Bill has decided to generously help out A.C.R.O.S.S., the least you can do is hear him out [quietly] no matter how poor his taste in women is...," Il Palazzo explains.

Bill looks quizzically at the two of them, and then continues, "Excel, your insanity and the red tinge to your hair leaves you only one role in this movie I'm directing, the star, Asuka Langley Sohryu. Not only will your organization be compensated for your lost work-time, there will be a fully-catered snack table to ensure you stay nice and healthy for the duration of filming."

Excel gets a gleam in her eye and shrieks, "FOOD! I'M GONNA EAT AND EAT UNTIL I CAN'T EAT ANY MORE! WOWEEE! LA DA DEE, TIME TO EAT, LA DA DEE..."

A sweat drop crosses Bill's brow before he opens his mouth to say, "Now to ask the others that live in their apartment, since those folk will fit various roles as well."

*The scene changes to F City Hall, City Environmental Security Administration Office, Bill is now talking to several people*

Bill continues, "... so, as Dr. Kabapu has explained, this will be a few days where you'll be paid nicely to just act normal, while saying a few lines that are written for you. If all goes well, you'll even get a bonus. If you decide to get involved, just let Dr. Kabapu know, and he'll contact me in a few days once I secure the location to film at."

Bill walks out the door, and Dr. Kabapu then asks, "Well, any of you interested? Since he's going to be contributing to our department financially, I'd be willing to allow you all the time off you need to film whatever it is he's filming..."

Misaki Matsuya replies, "How odd of you to offer that, but I'm not one to turn down paid time off from here, so I'll go along with this little film."

Ropponmatsu 1 calmly replies, "If you so order, Dr. Kabapu, I will comply with it..."

Ropponmatsu 2 excitedly jumps around and interrupts, "I'm gonna be a movie star, I'm gonna be a movie star!..."

Norikuni Iwata gets irritated at Ropponmatsu 2 and shouts, "SHUT UP! And don't think you're going to be the star, I'll be the star, better yet, superstar!"

Watanabe T™ru grins from ear to ear and says, "After Ms. Ayasugi finds out I'm a movie star, she'll definitely go out with me."

Ms. Momochi smiles politely while responding, "I'm up for it, how about you Sumiyoshi?"

Sumiyoshi Daimaru ponders for a second and says, "Shore, why not, I gat nuttin' betta ta do... *everyone does an immediate face plant* Wat? Mah manga voice nat good enuf fer ya?"

Misaki replies, "It just threw us for a loop, but it's better than those stupid '..." from the anime."

Dr. Kabapu, "This breakdown of the fourth wall not withstanding, it looks like we'll all be filming with that Bill person when he gets around to it. Now get back to work!"

*Scene change, yet again, this time to a recording studio*

Bill, in the engineer's booth, says, "Ok, ladies, this is for your version of "Thesis Of A Cruel Angel", whenever you're ready..."

Excel Kobayashi & Mikako Hyatt in unison reply, "Hai! We, the Excel Girls, are ready, willing, and more than able to breathe new life into this song!

Bill leans forward to speak into the mic again, "Just get on with it, please."

The Excel Girls, Excel Kobayashi and Mikako Hyatt, start into "Love (Loyalty)" and add the words "Thesis of a Cruel Angel" into certain dead spots, and Bill develops a sweat drop. Bill is then approached by an assistant, the assistant whispers away from the mic, and once the ladies end their attempt, Bill leans back towards the mic and says, "Ok, ladies, next time, try using the original music, I've got some things to discuss with some folks just outside, please don't disappoint me." Bill walks out before they start singing again, and just like last time, "Thesis of a Cruel Angel" is not the song heard. The camera then switches to Bill, just outside of the studio. Nabeshin and Koshi Rikdo are seen standing by a vending machine as Bill approaches them. He waves hello and says, "Gentlemen, I'm so glad you could come down on short notice. Since the two of you are professionals, I'll make this quick and simple, I want your help on a remake I'm working on. Mr. Nabeshin, you and a few of your associates will be able to help me, since I'm not totally familiar with Japan, you'll be able to help me arrange various schedules and find great locations. Mr. Rikdo, you'll be a perfect fit as the mastermind overseeing the whole operation, basically, I'm asking you to be Gendo Ikari."

Nabeshin speaks first, "What you've said so far sounds good, but...," Koshi Rikdo then finishes the sentence with, "... how much are we talking about?" Bill looks over his notepad and says, "Twenty thousand..." Bill looks up and sees the duo starting to walk off, and says, "Let me finish! Twenty thousand dollars, each."

"Dollars..., Each...?" the duo said in unison, with a grin creeping across both of their faces. Once Nabeshin's grin was spread from ear to ear, he spoke up, "We'll be there whenever you need us."

"Thanks," replied Bill, "now if you'll excuse me, I have to take care of some singers that can't follow directions."

Nabeshin looks at Mr. Rikdo and says, "After this film, we're back to usual...," Koshi looked back at him and replies, "... at each other's throats, just the way it's supposed to be."

*Scene fades out as Bill heads back to the studio, and a new scene in a valley near some mountains fades in*

Bill and Nabeshin are standing around, pointing to various spots in the countryside. As the camera zooms in we hear Bill say, "...and over there, that would be a good spot for an artificial lake. Anything you can't come up with on short notice, I'll just have them touch up in post-production."

Nabeshin replies, "Well, I admire your vision, but almost everything you've said you wanted is virtually impossible. As a matter of fact, the only feasible thing is the lake, and that's because this valley floods every year about this time.

Bill looks right at Nabeshin and says, "Works for me. Let's break for lunch."

[Eyecatch indicating middle of episode flashes in and back out]

The scene opens in a studio cafeteria, various people are rushing around in various outfits. The focus then zooms in on one particular table.

Bill starts out the conversation, "So, how are things going for you guys?"

Misaki replies, "Well, if this black leather skirt didn't ride so low, I'd be better. But the red beret and jacket really suit me. Iwata (wearing Unit-01's plug suit) jumps in with, "It sucks. Why did you cast yourself as this Kaji person? I want some answers!"

Bill replies, "Well, neither you, nor any of your friends fit his look. But I tell you what, I've got a scene coming up, and since we're done filming all of Shinji's roles, you can fill in as Kaji. I just need to talk to the prop department to find his outfit in your size. But there has to be more than that, what about the rest of you?"

Watanabe speaks up, "I'm doing great, especially since Ms. Ayasugi is with me in that control room set. But I have one question, where's Sumiyoshi?"

Just then, a very rotund person with long flowing orange hair wearing Unit-02's plug suit sits at the table.

Bill responds, "Ah, Sumiyoshi, just talking about you, how's the Volcano scene going for you? Wig fitting you alright?" Sumiyoshi nods his head, and the others at the table start to snicker. "All right then, Iwata, meet me on Stage 15 in 30 minutes. Good luck everyone." Bill gets up and leaves.

Sumiyoshi glares at everyone at the table and says, "Naht wahn werd." Watanabe, still snickering, starts off, "But..." Sumiyoshi glares harder and says, "I SAID, NAHT WAHN WERD!"

*scene change to Stage 30, fifteen minutes later*

Iwata scratches his head and says, "Maybe it was the other way around. Oh well" He then walks off. The scene zooms in on what looks like Unit's 00, 01, and 02 fighting a long-armed Unit-03. The assistant director yells cut, and the unit's then take off their rubber masks.

Unit-00 unmasks first and says, "This is no way to treat me, That Man!"

Unit-01 unmasks and says, "What about me? After all, it's no way to treat me, That Man There, either.

Unit-02 unmasks next, and replies "You think you've got it rough? What about me, This Man?"

Unit-03 unmasks last and says, "Well, I, That Man Over There, am not having a picnic myself."

The cameraman steps out from behind the camera and says, "Shut up, I, That Man Over Here, am trying to do my job and you guys are giving me a royal headache."

Finally the assistant director speaks back up and says, "Bill put me, This Man Over Here, in charge of this scene, and I have the final say."

*scene change to just outside Stage 15, at the appointed time*

Bill is seen speaking to a prop gal saying, "So, are the preparations complete?

Cosette replies, "Yes, Bill."

Bill responds, "Thanks. By the way, see me at the end of the day. I've seen Episode 26 of Excel Saga and I have some things to discuss with you..."

Iwata walks up, "OK, I'm here!"

Bill looks at him and says, "Great, go get into costume. (looks back at Cosette) See you later." After a wink back at Cosette, Bill walks into the dimly lit studio, and finds Iwata already changed. And a really slow instrumental version of "House Of The Rising Sun" is heard playing. Bill walks over and taps the piano player on the shoulder and when the player turns around, Bill yells, "CUT THAT OUT!" The music abruptly stops.

Bill walks over to Iwata, leads him to the scene where they'll be shooting at, and shows him how to pose against the wall. After getting into position, Iwata asks, "What scene is this anyway?" Bill pats him on the shoulder and replies, "The most controversial scene that has caused much fan debate. You, my friend, will find out the answer that everyone has been dying to know, (walks to the director's chair and sits down) 'Who Shot Kaji?' Aaand... Action!"

Iwata thinks for a second and screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A shadowy figure steps forward, clicks a gun, switches the safety off, and steps forward again to be seen. The figure then speaks, "THAT... is PEDRO'S LINE!" Pedro then aims his gun at Iwata and fires. Iwata reacts to the shot with a spiral twist away with a splatter of blood flying as he spins.

"CUT! Bring up the lights. Great job Pedro, great job," says Bill. Pedro smiles at Bill and says, "Thank you Bill. Those words bring so much joy to my heart that my tears are falling like waterfalls." Bill replies, "Then I shudder to think what these words will do then. Go to your trailer, and have fun with your wife, Sandora is occupied at the moment helping out our production team. Pedro grins from ear to ear and says. "Thank you, Mr. Bill, (face turns serious as he looks at Iwata) but what about him?" Bill looks over at Iwata and says, "He'll be OK, those special effects guys are making stuff like that look more and more real all the time." Pedro, satisfied with the explanation hands the gun off to Bill and runs off to his sexy wife. After he's sure Pedro's out of earshot, Bill walks over to Iwata, and Iwata struggles with his last few breaths. "Why...," Iwata struggles to get out, " *cough cough* what did I do *cough* to deserve this?" Bill aims the gun at Iwata and proceeds to put him out of his misery. Bill drops the gun and says, "I did all... for Misaki..." He walks away, and says to a prop person on the way out, "Yeah, prop malfunction, just like Brandon Lee. You say any different and they'll be making sausage out of your intestines. Got it?" The prop person says, "Yes sir, got it."

*scene change*

Bill walks back into the recording studio. Excel Kobayashi & Mikako Hyatt are now sleeping while standing against the sheet music stand. Bill turns to ask the studio personnel, "Did they give us anything we can use?" The people just sigh and shake their heads no, and Bill replies, "Well, if nothing else I can try and find that Johnny Cash album 'Japanese Recordings' that had 'Thesis of a Cruel Angel' and 'Fly Me To The Moon,' but I doubt I'll be able to afford what those eBayers are asking for it. Can't anyone help me out?" Just as Bill sighs with frustration, a stranger in a red leather-strap outfit, red leather pants, and a black leather jacket kicks the studio door open. "Who the bloody heck are you?" Bill shouts. The mysterious person says, "I am just a vocalist... that's passing through..." The studio crew all say together, "Ooh... A vocalist? Bill responds, "Whatever, just get in there, get those two out of there, and sing. If you do well, you'll get paid." The mysterious person says, "A true vocalist sways to the harsh mistress of music. I, Key, shall not be swayed by monetary means." Bill looks at him oddly and says, "You're saying you'll do it for free?"

*yet another scene change*

The studio is dimly lit by the monitors facing the cast. Koshi Rikdo & Dr. Kabapu are on the top layer, on the middle layer, Ropponmatsu 2 is wearing an oversized lab coat and dancing around while Hyatt (Ha-chan), Watanabe, and some generic guy are sitting on the bottom layer, while Misaki is standing beside Hyatt. Sandora runs around with a light sensor, checking each layer. Once he's out of the picture he says, "Ok. Mr. Director, everything checks out." "Thank you, Sandora, go enjoy the snack table, and the rest of you, ACTION!" replied Bill.

The studio lights start to flicker red, and a loud alarm is heard. The noise subsides, and the first one to speak is Misaki, "Asuka, you've got to hit it harder."

Excel (on the big screen they all are facing) smiles and replies, "I'm giving 'er all I got, Cap'n. She cannae take anymore. Aye, they'll be making the haggis without me this year."

Bill (out of earshot) whispers, "I am so going to get sued for this. Why did I have to pick an actress for Asuka that's only good accent is Scottish?"

Misaki, angrily says, "Get me Rei..." Watanabe types a few words onto the word processor he has open, which isn't shown, but gives that oh-so-natural clicking sound we need right here. As Ropponmatsu 1 appears on the screen, Misaki looks back up at it and says, "Rei, you're our final hope. You've got to kill the angel."

Ropponmatsu 1 calmly says, "I'm all out of options. What do you suggest?"

Ropponmatsu 2 shouts, "Oh, big sister, you've got to go to the tool shed behind that building over there, and pull out the N2 mine It's the only way," and then she gleefully jumps around and claps her cat-esque ears.

Ropponmatsu 1 calmly replies, "Ok, Dr. Akagi, I understand."

Unit-00 is seen exploding on the monitor, and Hyatt faints (ahem, actually dies) and Watanabe jumps up and goes to her side. He says, "Miss Ayasugi, um, I mean, Miss Ibuki, oh no."

Bill, out of sight, says, "Aaaaand, CUT! Great work everyone. (He walks into view) That'll be all for today. Tomorrow we finish the final few things, and then the wrap party.

*scene change, this time to an apartment facing a valley, just as the sun is setting.*

Misaki says, "Ok, Asuka, welcome to my apartment. I'd like to introduce you to my "pet", a warm weather penguin, Pen-Pen. What the !? Shinji, you traded my pet in for a dog?"

Bill shouts, "CUT! Misaki, you're supposed to be acting like that dog is really a penguin. It's one of the things that'll be touched up in post-production, but since we need something to figure out where it'll be placed, we have to use that dog, and that collar is something special we made just for her, it makes her coat stand out even more."

Excel tries to pick up Menchi, and says, "Come to me, Menchi, I only want to see what your collar says." Menchi struggles, but ultimately gives in to her tormentor. "Ah," Excel exclaims, "it says BX 293B and below that... MENCHI squared?"

Bill looks over at Excel and says, "Excel, put the dog down, or I won't invite you to the wrap party, where there's lots of food."

Excel sets Menchi down, and sighs gleefully, and starts singing to herself about the thought of food, while Bill sighs visibly with a mushroom puff of air seen escaping at a downward angle. Bill then orders the actors back into position, and yells, "Action!"

Misaki starts off, "Asuka, as a part of the tour, I'd like to introduce you to my pet, a warm-weather penguin I rescued from some mean-old lab guys. This, (she points at Menchi) is Pen-Pen. Treat it as a fellow roommate, and you won't have any problems."

Bill smiles and says, "Cut, that's a wrap. We're done. Please, once everyone's done cleaning up here, head on over to Stage 4, we're having the party there."

*scene change, almost over, I swear*

Bill is standing on top of a table, and he clinks his glass before saying, "It's been a great pleasure working with all of you. I want to thank each and everyone of you, and remind you to look for this movie soon. We should have all of the post-production touchups done within the year, so enjoy yourselves and have fun.

The crowd takes his advice.

*final scene change*

Bill is standing around the now empty Stage 4, as litter from the party is strewn all over the place. Koshi Rikdo and Nabeshin both walk up to Bill, glaring at him.

Nabeshin says, "I thought you said you were going to pay us in American dollars, so why did I find these (shows Bill the money) in my pay envelope?"

Bill looks at him and says, "I never said American dollars, I just said dollars. Those are legal tender, that's 20,000 Jamaican dollars. Last known exchange rate puts that at 34,267.23 yen. Since my financiers are from Jamaica, I thought it best to pay you in their currency.

Koshi speaks up, "We were promised Dollars, and if we don't walk out of here with something worth, let's see, hmm, current exchange rate... a-HA! 2 million yen, each, you're not going to be walking out of here."

Bill simply replies, "Well, let me see what's here in my wallet, and...," with that, he reaches for his billfold, but then runs away. Up and down corridors, in and out of rooms, it's a regular tribute to the Keystone Cops chases. Bill finally locks himself in a broom closet, where he sees someone of a rather different nature.

The Great Will of the Macrocosm speaks up, "Ah, hello, Bill. I think I ended up here by mistake. I consumed several alcoholic beverages, and I don't think this is the exit."

Bill quickly responds, but rather quietly says, "Please, be quiet. If they hear you, they'll come looking here, and then they'll kill me."

"Who?" asked the Great Will, "Who would want you dead?"

"Nabeshin...," replied Bill, "and Koshi Rikdo. It seems they didn't read the fine print on their contracts, and now they want me to fix their misunderstanding. You wouldn't happen to have any resets left, would you?"

"Just one," the Great Will responded, "but I'm saving it for something very special. There is however, an alternative..."

Bill looked her straight in the middle of the swirl and said, "I'm not waiting for your daughter."

"Huh?" she asked, puzzled. "My... daughter?"

Bill responded, "Yeah, I've seen the whole Excel Saga series. I know the whole story about you, Pedro, That Man, and the rest of those misfits. If I wasn't so inspired by the series to do this whole thing, I wouldn't be here in the first place."

"Well," she replies, "that would explain the strange feeling I've been getting lately. I'll tell you what, give me something I want, and I'll use my last reset for you, sweet cheeks."

Bill looks at the camera and says, "Why do I get the feeling I'm about to become Pedro's replacement?"

*scene fades to black and the episode end pops up*

Fan fiction Alpha

Filming the New Beginning of Excel Saga

Mission Status ... We'll find out later

*Ending credits roll w/ music*

Original Story Koshi Rikdo (Shonen Gahosha)

Screenplay Bill Martin

Storyboards None (It's a fanfic)

Vocal Cast None (It's a fanfic)

Director Bill Martin

Series Composition VHSs & DVDs

Character Design Satoshi Ishino

Main Editor Bill Martin

Contributing Editor Luna (a.k.a. Amber Ulrich)

Executive Producer Bill Martin

Written By Bill Martin

International Coordinator The UN.

Project Translator Missing In Action

*Next Episode Preview*

"Excel here. Y'see this here might be the only episode of this fanfic series, as we don't know whether it'll be received well, or not. So, if you want to see more of this Quack Experimental Fanfic, please send all constructive criticism and encouragement. Any flames will be ignored, unless of course, they're signs of a fire, and in that case, I, Excel shall run and go get the Fire Department while people are rushed to safety. Oh Lord Il Palazzo, please show your Excel what to do!"