Chapter Three

Silence.

For most people even the word itself seems stifling. But not so for me. I like being surrounded by silence. I was created in silence, I was brought up in silence, and I was locked away in silence. It might even be said that I am silence. Any kind of noise is only a distraction. But silence is both a blessing and a curse. Being silent means no longer having to worry about inadvertently revealing secrets best kept hidden. By being silent I hear more than is possible if I were to talk loudly. Silence brings with it wisdom.

At the same time, silence is loneliness. By being silent you shut yourself away from the world. Silence means being alone. Silence means there is no one to rescue you from your own darkness. That no one cares about you. Silence means that no matter what you do, people still won't notice you, or care about you. Contempt always accompany that kind of silence. Disgust and fear mixed into one.

Some though...despite all those negative connotations I like silence. I like knowing that whenever I want I can slip away unnoticed. And I like to be able to think clearly without the distraction of spoken words. The purity of silence is missing from this hectic world. It is tainted by unfeeling and dishonest words.

I don't need to talk. I can hear and see everything that my other self does, why should I talk when my false form can talk for me? Even so, most of the time I don't choose to listen or watch. Why bother? It wasn't as if it's going to make me feel any less lonely. And I feel no need to immerse myself in humanity as my brother had done. I am a being made of power and I know that all too well. I can never become a human so why should I torture myself with something I can't have?

But at times I find that I have the sudden need to surround myself with life. I want to be able to interact with others. And the longer I do so, the harder I find it to slip away. An addiction, that's what it is. I am addicted to life, and humanity. So instead of slipping into sleep I stir from my stupor and listen attentively to Yukito and Touya. It was a comfort just listening to them.

Yukito looked up at the full moon with a smile. Tonight was the perfect night to hold a party for Yue. The moon was full hence the guardian's strength was at its peak. The sky was clear of any clouds allowing the stars to shine bright. No wonder Sakura had been so energetic. Her power source was at its best and brightest tonight. It seemed as if nature itself was doing its best to make it the perfect night for Yue's birthday party.

Yukito turned to look at his best friend. Touya was walking along with a thoughtful frown on his face. A gentle smile appeared on Yukito's face. Touya thought too much sometimes. And that was why Yukito was his friend. Touya needed someone to show him that the world wasn't so serious. He needed to be shown that hidden within the folds of life, there was always a treasure worth discovering. With that in mind Yukito spoke to break Touya out of his morose mood. "How was the party?"

The glazed expression disappeared off Touya's face as he looked at Yukito. "It was fine," he answered off-handedly. Yukito shook his head in consternation. Touya never gave away anything more than what you had asked for. Out of the corner of his eyes Touya saw him doing so and frowned.

"What?" he asked a hint of annoyance in his voice. Touya always did hate being left in the dark, Yukito thought to himself fondly.

Yukito looked up at him with laughter filled blue eyes. "You are so closemouthed," he replied with amused exasperation. Touya grunted looking away, but before he did Yukito was sure he saw a smile on his face.

Yukito stifled a laugh and schooled his face into one of sombreness. It would not do to have Touya see him laughing at him. "How did Yue like the party?" he continued with the questions. Touya shrugged.

"He seemed to like it just fine," Touya paused, "Until the stuffed toy annoyed him." Touya rolled his eyes to express his annoyance and exasperation. Yukito laughed out loud at the image that his mind conjured up at those words. He knew all too well how annoying Touya found Kero to be. And if Yue was anything like Touya, Kero would probably irritate Yue to no ends.

"That must have been fun to witness," he said shaking his head fondly. As annoying as Kero was, Yukito liked him. The stuffed toy, as he was affectionately known to many of his friends and enemies, somehow felt familiar to Yukito. Even before he found out about the Cards, Yukito had always felt a connection to the toy. Yukito supposed it had something to do with the relationship between Yue and Kero. Caught up in his thoughts Yukito did not notice Touya looking at him with a bemused expression. The two continued to walk, Yukito smiling at his thoughts, and Touya casting him glances from the corner of his eyes. Eventually however, even the most oblivious of all people would have to notice the stares he was garnering.

Yukito looked up at the sky again, and again he saw Touya staring at him. He had noticed that lately Touya had taken to staring at him for an inordinate amount of time. It wasn't bad. It was just a bit uncomfortable to have someone stare at you as if you had the answer to the mystery of life. Yukito had put up with it for a while before the need to ask Touya overcame him. But every time he had tried something interrupted them. Although, now seemed like a good time to ask why, seeing as how they were alone. The next time Touya looked at him Yukito's eyes caught Touya mid-stare. A smile threatened to appear as Yukito noted the startled look on Touya's face when he discovered that he had been caught staring.

Yukito smiled at Touya innocently, making the situation seem completely incidental. "Is something wrong To-ya?" he asked very sweetly. To his surprise and amusement Touya's face flushed pale pink and he looked away quickly. Yukito stared after him, his curiosity stirred by the unusual reaction he had coerced from his friend.

"Nothing's wrong," Touya murmured not convincing Yukito in the least. Yukito being Yukito, he decided to let the matter go. If Touya wanted to tell him, he would tell him, Yukito told himself, even though a little part of him couldn't help but feel hurt. He buried that hurt deep within his heart. Why was he feeling betrayed? Just because they were friends didn't mean they had to tell each other everything, Yukito told himself sternly. Moments later, he sadly concluded that the stern talk had done nothing to lessen the feeling of betrayal.

Yukito suddenly realized that Touya was staring at him again. But this was not the bemused stare. It was the 'is he even listening to me' stare. Hurriedly pasting a smile on his face Yukito once again pretended to be innocent. "All right To-ya," he said cheerfully. By this time they had arrived at his empty house. Touya stopped outside the gate, as did Yukito.

"Thank you for walking me home," Yukito said looking up at Touya, shifting the bag to his other hand so that he could get his keys. The taller boy stared down with a strange expression on his face. As the silence and the stare continued Yukito's smile turned into a frown. This was the same stare that Touya had been giving him all week. Had he done something wrong?

"To-ya?" he said hesitantly, unable to hold back the hurt tone in his voice. His words, as much as the tone of them, penetrated the fog in the other boy's mind shaking him out of his dazed bemusement. Touya shook his head sharply, the strange expression disappearing off his face.

A small smile appeared on Touya's lips, one that very few would have detected. Yukito was one of those very few. When Touya smiled he too smiled back cautiously. "I'm fine Yuki, I've just been having trouble sleeping lately" he assured warmly, or at least, as warmly as Touya could ever sound. Yukito hid his anxiety behind a smiling mask. It isn't your place to push him, he told himself.

"If you say so," he agreed, not letting as hint of his true feelings show. Touya's shoulders relaxed minutely in relief. Yukito saw that but did not question it. "I'll see you on Monday?" Yuki's tone turned the statement into a question.

Touya nodded. "Good luck tomorrow," he said softly reaching out to brush a strand of hair away from Yukito's bright eyes. His hands lingered, altering the movement into a caress. Yukito held his breath as the hand travelled along his jaw. Touya's eyes were unreadable but Yukito thought he could detect a hint of warmth. The tip of Touya's finger stopped at Yukito's chin. The two froze in the pose staring at one another for an indefinite amount of time. Eventually Touya let his hand fall to his side. Yukito released his breath in a soft gust of breath that he hoped Touya didn't hear.

"A – Arigatou To-ya," Yukito stammered suddenly remembering Touya's words just moments ago. His white skin flushed pale pink. He wasn't sure whether he was relieved or disappointed that the moment had been broken. Confused, that word explained his state of mind.

With an enigmatic smile Touya stepped back to allow Yukito his personal space. Yukito ignored his blush as much as he could and turned to unlock the gate. After a few tries he finally got the correct key. A small click was heard as the lock was released. "Konbanwa Yukito," Touya murmured as Yukito slipped inside.

"Konbanwa To-ya," Yukito replied just as softly. With one last smile Touya turned to walk back to his house, leaving behind a very confused snow bunny.

Yukito noticed that he was standing somewhere very strange. He was standing in mid air high above the city of Tokyo. Far below him, the city was shining in all of its glory, lighting up the sky with pale gold and red glow. Yukito was not scared, even though he had every right to be, given that he was standing on nothing, several hundred feet above the ground. It was only a dream after all.

"Hello Yukito." The masculine voice did not startle him. Yukito knew who it was. He had never heard the other man speak before yet he knew the voice as intimately as he knew his or Touya's. Pushing up his glasses Yukito turned around with a welcoming smile.

"Hello Yue," he greeted. He knew he should be panicking. He knew he should be surprised, shocked, but he could not summon anything other than bemusement. It was perfectly normal, even expected that he would meet Yue in his dreams. In dreams, the line between reality and illusions blurred, false form met true form somewhere that should have been impossible to get to.

Standing in front of him was a pale angel, so beautiful Yukito wanted to cry. But that ethereal beauty was tainted with very human emotions. White wings held tightly to the body, and the arms folded across the chest, Yue presented the figure of a disconsolate being. Yukito could feel unvoiced emotions floating in the air. There was joy certainly from Yukito himself and curiosity from Yue but lurking beneath that was something else. Something that made the meeting more melancholic than it should have been.

When Yue did not say anything else the silence began to grate on Yukito's nerves. Not even Touya's silence was this stifling. Frantically Yukito cast around in his mind for anything to say. "Will I remember this when I wake up?" Yukito eventually asked gesturing at the scene around him.

Yue shrugged. "Most probably not, you are just the false form after all," he murmured softly, looking up at the full moon, not seeming to notice Yukito's flinch. To hear his other form speak of him so dismissively of him hurt him far worse than he had imagined. Yue had mellowed but his social skills still left a lot to be desired. But Yukito kept on smiling, determined to endure. This was his once chance to properly talk to the Moon guardian and he wasn't going to waste it.

"So did you enjoy the party?" Yukito asked determined to make Yue talk to him, even if the talk was centered on unimportant matters such as the party. He would have liked to ask other questions but he sensed anything more intimate that the question he voiced would have made Yue catapult him back into the real world without another word.

A shrug was the answer to his question. Yukito took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Just pretend its Touya, he told himself. But then he had to bite his lips to keep from laughing. That thought was funny because it was true. Yue and Touya were really alike. Both were the silent, glowering type who'd much prefer to cut their tongues out rather than reveal their emotions. And both liked to hide their worries and hurts behind an icy façade.

Yukito attempt another start to the conversation. "Is there a reason you called me here?" he asked.

This time Yue turned to look at him. "You said you wanted to see me, didn't you?" he said, answering the question with one of his own. Yukito nodded uncertainly.

"But if I can't remember you, what use is it?" he asked sadly.

Yue looked at him gravely. "You will remember how I look like, but you won't remember how we met or what we talked about. I am able to bend Clow's rule to suit us both." Yukito smiled brightly but then dimmed as he heard the bitterness in Yue's voice as the angel voiced the name of his creator.

It was at that moment that he was able to finally identify the strange emotion underlying the words as loneliness. Yukito's heart ached at the realisation. Now that his eyes were open he could see a glimpse of the real Yue. Yue, the moon guardian, the one who lived all alone, only coming out in times of crisis. Seeing the proud moon guardian standing there, on his own, triggered a wave of sympathy in him. "Yue, do you ever feel lonely?" he asked in a soft voice. Yue's eyes hardened at the question. The pale haired angel whipped around to stare at his false form.

"Why would I have any reason to be lonely?"

Yukito was taken aback at the harsh tone. "It's just – you don't seem to have anyone to talk to. You don't ever appear unless you have to, and you disappear as soon as you finish your task. Don't you ever find it lonely to exist like that?" he asked hesitantly. He did not know Yue very well even though they shared the same body. He often wondered what he would talk to Yue about if they ever met face to face. They did not have anything in common. Technically they were supposed to be the one person but it seemed strange to even consider Yue as another side of him. So he was unsure of how to approach the topic of loneliness with Yue.

The tight smile on Yue's face worried Yukito. "Of course I don't find that lonely." Yue's smile grew even grimmer. "I was designed not to feel emotions, Clow made sure of that."

Yukito could find nothing to say to that. He looked down, absently admiring the bright city of Tokyo. The uncomfortable silence only grew. He did not know Clow so there was nothing he could say in the magician's defence. And somehow trying to comfort Yue seemed futile. Sometimes he hated being the false form. He hated being the odd one out. Briefly anger and jealousy rose in him that was quickly squashed. He should not feel upset at being left out, Yukito reminded himself. He was happy being the false form, or at least that was what he told himself. But a trace of anger and jealousy lingered in his heart.

"It is late," Yue announced not seeming to care about Yukito's internal struggle, "I have already used too much of my powers to bring you here."

Acknowledging the dismissal Yukito covered his emotions and smiled shakily. "All right, thank you Yue."

Nodding gravely Yue watched as the human boy faded away from his mind as did the scene of Tokyo. Left behind in darkness Yue closed his eyes and ignored the lonely silence.

It is something of a surprise to find myself envying my other form. I have never been in that position before. So many times I have scorned his existence but now I catch glimpses that tells me that perhaps his existence isn't as empty I had first believed. When I saw him tonight, I felt...bitter. Anger that I had never known existed in me, welled up without consent. However, I am puzzled. What have I to be bitter about? Why have I begun to resent my false form?

I don't care that he is loved and respected by everyone. And I don't care that people only fear me. That is what I have been telling myself for decades. But only recently have I begun to realise that each time I see someone smile at Yukito, it hurts. Every time Sakura, Touya, or Kero greet Yukito and ignore me, I feel as if they have abandoned me. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Clow created me to be the perfect guardian, emotions will only interfere with my job.

So why is it that I can't stop feeling all of these unnecessary sentiments?