Chapter 3: Damage Control

Previously...Akire tells Tasuki that they were actually being chased by her suitors and not some angry mob.

Back at the palace

"What is WRONG with you?" Janes said, pointing an angry finger at Akire. "Sorry, sister, I just, I didn't know how to handle-""-Well you have to learn now! Set a proper example for your people! And who is this, this Tasuki they've spotted with you?" Tasuki peeked in from a window and said, "That would be me." Akire snickered and said, "If you're really Tasuki, raise your hands." He cackled and said, "Hah! I ain't fallin' for that one!" Unfortunately, he pointed two hands at Akire while he said that, so he fell from the window anyway. "Fast, but dumb as a stump," Akire muttered. Janes giggled, and then turned serious again. "Listen, Akire, you know what you're supposed to do, so deal with it...and deal with him."

Outside, Akire paced back and forth while Tasuki indulged himself with a bottle of wine. "B' glad I'ma drunk an' too num' ta feel my legs," he garbled, waving the bottle around, "'cuz if I wasn', I'da strang'led you a long time ago." Akire grabbed the bottle from him and bonked him on the head. "Be quiet, you prattling brat." Breathing a sigh of relief, she plopped down on a bench and brooded. How am I going to tell a whole empire about Tasuki? They probably won't believe me if I told the truth, either. It's not like I should make him wear a large sign that says "I'm NOT the empress' consort"! Hmm...That's not such a bad idea. She gleefully imagined Tasuki hung up on a pole like a billboard waving a large banner with those words printed on it while wearing a pink, fluorescent tutu. Nah. Trying to look for inspiration, she imagined Hotohori...wait! Not THAT kind of inspiration, you stupid love-struck vixen! Glancing at Tasuki's dozing form, she hatched an idea.

Tasuki woke up with Akire's face smiling whimsically really close to his face. "GAAH!"

He yelled, jumping back in surprise. "Don't DO that, woman!" he exclaimed when he got his bearings. Akire continued to smile, this time hugging him with one arm. "Heyyy, buddy!" she said, punching him playfully on the shoulder, "how's my best buddy-bud pal in the world, huh?" Tasuki scratched his head and replied, "Uh...just...fine, I guess, except when I fell back there and bumped—wait a minute," he looked at her suspiciously, "are you trying to tell me somethin'?" Akire shrugged, seemingly surprised. "Nothing! Just wanted to see how my flame-wielding friend's holding up. I mean, you drank a lot of booze back there." Tasuki narrowed his eyes at her. "Something's not right here...why are you being so nice to me?"

Akire raised an eyebrow. "Geez, Tasuki, if I were you I'd have figured it out by now! You thick-skulled drunkard buffoon! I NEED A FAVOR!" Tasuki eyes twitched angrily as he pointed his finger at her and said, "First of all...that's more like it. Secondly...THAT'S NO WAY TO ASK FOR A FAVOR! You stop yelling at me first, and then we talk about a favor!" Akire rubbed her temples and sighed. "Alright, alright, I'll stop with the scolding. Now, what do you want in exchange for this favor?" Tasuki smiled mischievously.

"Uhh, empress," a servant scratched his head as he gestured at Tasuki's room. Akire looked at the large crate of wine bottles being wheeled into his room and sighed. "Don't ask." Once the servant had left, she headed into Tasuki's room. "Well?" she asked, her arms folded, surveying the unsightly mess of empty wine bottles and gold trinkets inside. "SURE!" Tasuki yelled his face red from all the drinking. He swung around the bottle, spilling large amounts of its contents onto the floor to Akire's distaste. He wrapped his free arm around Akire's shoulders and shoved the bottle towards her. "ANYTHING FOR MY BEST PAL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" he continued, almost spilling wine onto Akire's dress. "WANT SOME?" he asked, still shoving the bottle towards her. "Noooo, thank you," she replied, pushing him away.

When the seishi had (mostly) shaken off his humongous hangover, Akire took him on a quick tour around the castle. "Hey...hey! Pay attention!" Akire said, snapping her fingers in front of his face. Tasuki, irritated, waved them away. "Whatsis gotta do with this favor you're asking of me?" Akire dodged the question, dragging him to the armory. Once there, she dug up some kind of sentry armor and shoved it towards Tasuki. "Get used to patrolling the castle and wearing that, because for the next few weeks you're going to be my new bodyguard!" she announced gleefully.

Tasuki dropped the armor, which unfortunately landed on his feet. "DAMN!" he shouted. "What? You're bodyguard? Hey, Tasuki ain't nobody's posse!" Akire poked a spear at his nose. "We had an agreement. Weeks' supply of wine and treasure in exchange for my favor, whatever it may be," she said. "What...you had it down on paper or somethin'?" Tasuki angrily sputtered. Akire smiled, pulling out a piece of paper. "And this is why I don't ever want to get drunken senseless," she said, pointing to an unintelligible scrawl on the bottom. "While you were drinking your day away, I took advantage of your drunken stupor and made you sign a written agreement," she said triumphantly. Tasuki's eyes narrowed. "IIIII hate yooouuu..."

"I hate yoouuuu..." Tasuki whispered sinisterly as he stood uncomfortably beside Akire on the balcony. "I hate you, and I'll throttle you in your sleep." Akire hissed, "Be quiet, bodyguard I have to make it official." A crowd had gathered below already. "Alright, quiet! Uh, I mean, silence please," Akire shouted, "as all of you know, there's been a misunderstanding yesterday about the suitors, and I would like to apologize for any inconveniences." Many men in body casts and bandages murmured and shook their head. "Yes, um, we'll pay for your med bills, no need to worry," Akire muttered apologetically.

"Now, I'd like to address this, this 'lover' business. I do not tolerate rumors of that magnitude around here, so I'm here to dispel them before it blows out of proportion." More murmurs erupt from the crowd, some even pointing towards Tasuki. "Get on with it, it's gettin' hot in this armor!" the seishi whispered from the corner of his mouth. Akire beckoned him to come forward. "This is my newly appointed bodyguard. I wanted to orient him on the security situation around the palace." All heads turned towards her and Tasuki, eyes wide. "Yeah, I know, it was a surprise to me, too," Tasuki muttered, followed by a swift jab from Akire's elbow. A servant entered, bowed before Akire and whispered something in her ear. Akire muttered a command before heading back inside. Tasuki, having no reason to stay outside where the people scrutinized him, followed her.

"What now... Your Highness?" Tasuki said, the reality that he's finally required to say that royal title finally dawning on him. Walking briskly, she replied, "I'm meeting with some of the province leaders...and the 'opposition'. Cowards. They're oozing with desire to rule this kingdom, yet they never reveal their intentions, resorting instead to layer upon layer of deceptions."

She paused, shaking her head, a hollow, emotionless laugh ensuing from her. "They are most concerned about this suitor business because they want one of their own to marry me and secure the throne." Tasuki caught a gleam on her eye that sent a chill down his spine. He tried to shake it off by saying, "Heh. Politics. Never had much interest in it. Geez, am I glad I never had to deal with that." Akire's sinister mood vanished as she asked, "But...you're the leader of the Mt. Leikaku bandits, right?"

"...so?"

"So? Don't tell me you didn't have to deal with leadership issues, good governance, and etcetera etcetera?"

"Oh, yeah, stuff like that, yeah, but not that much."

"Really now?" Akire raised an eyebrow. "You never go to great lengths to keep things in check?" Tasuki patted the tessen and grinned. "With this baby, I never have to!" Akire pretended to think and said, "Oh, let's see now...this fat bandit once took over your merry men, am I right?" Tasuki seethed, pointing the iron fan at her. "Oh yes, Tasuki, Nuriko told me more than enough back at my last...visit," Akire sneered. "Crap, that guy has a mouth like a rattle!" Tasuki fumed. Akire looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"Guy? Nuriko's a woman."

"No he ain't. Didn't you know?"

For the rest of their walk towards the conference room Akire's been mostly silent, the What-the-hell-what-did-he-just-tell-me kind of silence.

"So the prodigal empress returns," a sneering, thin man said. Empress and Unimpressed had just entered the conference room as all the province leaders sat around an oval table. "I never left," Akire said coldly. Tasuki cracked his knuckles and said, "Wan' me to straighten him out, Aki---Empress?" Akire, despite the fact that she knows this was no time for amusement, smiled at him and patted his shoulder. "Oh no need, O faithful guardian, I can handle things for now."

The man who addressed her earlier looked towards his companions and said, "Feh. Barbaric fellow." Another man from across the table pointed a finger at him and said, "You're every bit as cynical as your grandfather, Gan. No wonder the empress' ancestor exiled him." Gan replied, "You always were a good little soldier, Kalil. I wager your wife, the Empress' sister, always sees to that, hmm?" Kalil growled menacingly as he gripped the sides of his chair. Suddenly, a loud thud echoed throughout the room. All heads turned to Akire as she retrieved the dagger that she threw down at the table tip-first. "If I can recall correctly, we're here for a civilized conversation. You two, unless you want me to treat you both like you were a hundred years old again I suggest you act your age. Most especially you, Gan, none of your cynicisms for today."

Tasuki was just about to bolt the door shut when he caught pieces of the conversation. 100 years old? Geez, how old do these people get? And how old IS Akire? He watched as Akire seated herself at the head of the table and began reviewing some paperwork laid out before her. "Now, I want the reports on province security as of—""—when will you marry?" Gan interjected. Akire looked up from her paperwork and fixed him with a menacing stare.

Another man said, "Actually, Highness, we ALL are a bit curious about this. With all due respect you HAVE to address this problem with utmost care." Kalil added, "Of course that doesn't necessarily mean she needs to consider marriage proposals from your side of the family, Gan." All the other province heads chuckled. They knew too well that half of the nobles proposing to Her Majesty were from Gan's clan. Even Akire couldn't resist giggling.

Gan, however, just fanned himself, saying, "Oh, who knows? I remember her Majesty wasting her time on a felon." Everyone fell silent once more. Never forgotten, too, was Akire's brief relationship with Ikegai. Tasuki, having been 'acquainted' with Ikegai previously, bristled at Gan for bringing up old hurts. And Akire has to deal with these everyday, he thought. Already he can see her rubbing her temples in frustration. "She seems so...old," he muttered. Akire banged her fist on the table but remained silent. Tasuki saw her angry, desperate expression and grasped her shoulder to calm her down. "Keep it together, Akire, don' let him get to ya," he whispered.

This gesture, unfortunately, wasn't taken for granted by the rest. "Your Majesty...this man. What IS he to you, really?" a man named Arden said. "A friend. And as I have said before he is my new bodyguard," Akire replied.

"How can we be sure you two aren't lovers?"

"Oh please, Arden."

"You two seem too fond of each other," another said.

"Not you, too! I told you, there's nothing else!"

"We need assurance. So do the nobles. Give us a reason why you two aren't lovers."

"...because he's gay."

"Y-you mean...?"

"Yes...because he's in love with a man named Hotohori..."

Tasuki almost fell backwards right then and there but of course he couldn't say anything about it. Biting his tongue, it took all his willpower to keep from grabbing his tessen and picking a fight with her right then and there. "Akire...too far, Akire..." The leaders were trying to keep from staring at him, too.

Arden was flabbergasted, though. "Ehh...well, if you, ah, put it that way then, ahem! Right then, okay." Gan said, "Well? What do we CALL him? Or is he just 'guardian'?" Akire was fumbling for details right now, trying not to panic. The first thing that came to her mind was..."Nuriko. His name's Nuriko." Tasuki was really on the brink right now. Gan frowned. "Sounds like a woman's name." Akire replied with a nervous laugh, "Ahh, hehe, you know, ah, men like him, they prefer it that way." Gan's seatmate nudged him with the elbow. "What? It's not the first time a...ah...someone like him steps foot in the castle. No need to be so, uh, awkward about it." An uncomfortable silence passed before Gan finally broke the silence.

"Now that we've put that aside," he began, "you MUST consider the marriage proposals! An emperor-less empire has never happened before! Who knows what kind of repercussions might happen if they find out you won't be looking for a consort." Akire frowned. "We will discuss this another time." Gan shook his head as he departed. "That's what you said the last time!" he angrily muttered not even waiting to be dismissed. Akire, too emotionally drained to deal with it now, waved her hand to dismiss the others. Kalil, however, stayed. Akire smiled. "I'm alright. You better head back to Janes," she said. Kalil bowed and left.

Akire sat down, head bowed and hands resting limply at the sides of her chair. Tasuki shifted uncomfortably and said, "Uhh...well...that went well." Akire looked at him with an exasperated expression. "So, what now? I don't think ya plan to lock yourself in here for the rest of your life," Tasuki continued, "besides, I gotta eat! I'm not your real bodyguard anyway, a'right?" As he waited for a response, he looked at the open door and blinked. "That's weird...there's a little pale girl at the door..." he thought, but before he could tell Akire the girl disappeared. "It's probably my stomach protesting...over the fact that I haven't eaten yet! Akire! Snap outta it already! I'm gonna die of hunger!"