SUMMARY: "I think it had happened the very second I laid eyes on him... But, for once, my brain didn't immediately process the information into a logical explanation. At least, not for a few years. It took me around three years to figure out exactly what was wrong with me... but when I did, boy was it a shock." written pre-HBP
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except the plot
Chapter 1: Three Years Later
Now, it's three years later. December yet again. And instead of getting over my little schoolgirl crush, it has just grown. It grew and grew and grew. I can barely get a bloody plant to grow even a bit, but this, this ... thing that started taking over my brain won't stop!
It's grown so much in the past few years that by now, it really is more of an obsession than a crush. I can't get him out of my head. For a while, I could escape through my studies... but I can't even find refuge in my schoolwork anymore! The only time I have peace of mind is when I'm sleeping...oh wait, never mind, because I bloody dream about him, too!
Why does he torment me so?
...Because I'm much too chicken to tell him how I feel, that's why.
It's almost slipped, a few times actually, over the years. I'd have a sudden urge to tell him...I'd call out to him... then about four seconds later lose my nerve and ask if he's done his homework or something. If only I wasn't such a coward!
Why was I in Gryffindor, anyways? Can't even tell someone I bloody fancy them... What kind of bravery is that?
But, it's not only my fault. I mean, its not like he ever figured it out... but, I admit, I've gotten better at hiding it. The only person who's ever confronted me about it has been Ginny, but that's only because sometimes she's much to smart for her own good, and far too nosy and she said something about me being an "open book", but what's that supposed to mean, anyway?.
I don't think anyone else has figured it out for sure... most people think such silly things, like I'm dating Viktor or I'm involved with Harry or something or other. Honestly! Viktor and I exchange the occasional letters, but there's nothing there between us. And Harry is just...Harry... I could never feel like ... that... about him. Besides, Ginny would just about kill me if I did but shhh...don't tell her I said that..
Ok, so maybe it is my fault. It's not like he can read my mind or anything it'd be very, very, very bad if he could, I would die from embarrassment! . But... it'd be just so much easier if he realized without me having to say anything!
Well.. maybe not. I mean, obviously, he doesn't feel the same way! Imagine! Oh, I'd be so embarrassed! I'd never be able to face him again! No.. no, it's much better for him not to know- better keep his friendship than take that particular risk... I'm right, aren't I?
Of course I'm right! See? Now he's even making me doubt myself! The nerve! I mean, one moment we're just friends and then suddenly he's all... I don't know... different or something and.. and... and UGH! I just can't bloody stand him sometimes! He just SITS there all calm and normal, not nervous or awkward or self-conscious or all those other stupid side effects that come with whatever thehell is going on with me. I mean, I know he's not the most self-assured person in the world- I'm not that obsessed that I am not still observant and logical about most things- but I bet his heartbeat doesn't speed up for random reasons. I just know he doesn't suddenly get giant hippogriffs stomping around in his stomach! I bet HE is completely in control of all of his emotions!
Stupid emotions. Why can't they just GO AWAY!
It's not fair. At the very LEAST I should be able to control my own EMOTIONS, shouldn't I? Isn't that what they always tell you? That we're in control of ourselves? Bloody rubbish. If I was in charge, I certainly wouldn't choose to feel like this!
That's it. I refuse to fancy him any longer. I am going to stop it THIS VERY SECOND! I will no longer feel weak in the knees when he walks by, or when he smiles, or when he compliments me. I will stop thinking about him, except in the way a friend should and I will no longer be heartbroken when he insults me or calls me names. I will no longer get jealous when I see girls throw themselves at him though he really does deserve better, all of those girls are all so stupid and slutty and none of them deserve him in the slightest. Just because they wear tight clothes and makeup he thinks they are so grand and- well, no need to start another rant... and I will most certainly not feel ANYthing towards him that is ANYthing more than platonic.
There, now that THAT's settled, maybe I can finally get some work done! Lately, I've practically been falling behind my classes. I really can't believe I let it get this bad! I mean, honestly, how could I have not even started on study schedules this semester? I just really need to get back on track.
Okay, first things first, I need to finish that essay in Transfiguration that she assigned yesterday. What was it on? Oh, yes, transfiguring inanimate objects into animals- how do you do it, who first discovered it, where/when was it first done, what are the dangers, why can it be useful. I can easily fill up four feet of parchment with all that! And look, we only need a foot and a half!
Oh, I just feel so much better. I can't imagine how I just let my emotions go rampage for so long. I mean, really, I should have regained control of them much earlier- I mean, I'm past all of that silly, young-teen crush crap, thank Merlin!
Right?
Of course I am! Really, me, one of those girls who let her emotions control her? I don't think so. I don't get hung up on crushes and frivolous things of the sort. There is no way that I would let something like that control my life- no, I must have been sick or something for the... three years that the "obsession" took over. I mean, its not like before I hadn't noticed how kind he was, or how sweet he could be and funny and adorable and how very loyal he was, even his denseness was quite cute, but still, I didn't really think of him that way until-
I think I went a total of three seconds before I started thinking about him again.
I must be going out of my mind. He is driving me crazy! All he has to do is walk past and suddenly I turn into a total lunatic. I drop things, I knock things over, I fall down or I trip- I lose control of myself completely. Its like my brain takes a vacation and detaches itself from the rest of me.
All of these emotions are messing with my head. I don't see WHY I can't just make it stop!
Life is so unfair sometimes. Why am I the one who freaks out whenever he's around? He doesn't knock down shelves of books in the library. They work like dominoes, did you know that? You fall into one and it hits the one behind it, which hits the next one and so on until they are all knocked down... or until the librarian waves her wand and stop them in mid-air.. He's not the one who turns around and slams into an open door- that has happened to me repetitively... as in more than once.
That's not even the worst of it. This year especially I have been getting clumsier and clumsier each time I see him. He smiles? Forget it- anything not bolted down goes flying. I take a step back and start a chain reaction- suddenly I'm sitting on the floor with my desk turned upside down and my stuff sprawled all over the room.
Seriously, how could he NOT know? Is he really that blind? Or maybe... maybe he does know... and, he doesn't want to embarrass me by bringing it up..because he doesn't feel the same way... Oh no, that would be so much worse than him not knowing. SO much worse...
I am such an idiot. I'm sitting here, obsessing over him. Doing nothing productive, at all. Why? Why am I thinking about him? Why should I even bother? It's not like he'll ever notice me, not like that. Its not like it matters...
Oh, that's just great. Not only am I losing my sanity but I'm wallowing in self-pity as I do it. I can't believe it. There is no way I'm going to sit here all full of pity and sadness. No way. I refuse to do anything of the sort.
... Yeah. Just like I refused to continue to fancy him. And we all know how well that decision turned out.
Well, I may not be able to stop myself from fancying him, but I can certainly stop myself from acting like one of those people whose happiness depends on someone else- no, I won't sit here depressed simply because he doesn't care for me like that. Ok. Step one: stand up out of the chair and put all of my books away, put my jacket and gloves on. I can't study in this library any longer- I need to go outside. I need air. Ok. I'm standing. Now what?
Um... Oh, look, there's Ginny! ... Uh oh... she has that look on her face. That only means one thing: must escape. Quick glances to either side of me show me there's no where to go. She's moving in... getting closer... aaaaand I'm sitting back down. There's no escaping Ginerva Weasley when she has the "I have something you need to know and then we'll plot about what to do with this information" face on. It was never a good face. Ginny's plans almost ALWAYS had something to do with A) setting someone up with some poor soul that confided in her, B) pranking someone who seriously pissed her off, or C) a very large, elaborate plan that will, in theory, do both and go off with out a hitch- which it never does.
With once glance, I knew which kind of plan it is. At the moment, I'm almost wishing for the good old days when Ginny's plans were full of pranks and duels. Maybe her crush on Harry is messing with her vibes- some of the couples she's been pairing up? Eh, not exactly meant to be...
Look for the silver lining. Well, Ron isn't here to witness what will most certainly be a blush-winning event. Oh. Wait. There he is, right on cue. Why aren't there any good hiding spots in the library? Not that it would matter... the Weasley siblings were only a few feet away, so I couldn't get to a hiding spot even if I wanted to.
Okay. I'm sitting, so that means I can't send anything flying, right? All my stuff is away, the table is cleared. And... and he's talking to me. Must focus. What is he saying? ... oh okay...
"You alright, Hermione?" What do I do? Oh...yeah... nod. That's it. Nod my head. Force words out:
"Yeah, I'm fine. You two need anything?" Ginny cuts Ron off just as he opens his mouth- hey, I wanted to hear what he had to say!
"Hermione, c'mon and walk with me. I have to tell you something!" Ginny sounds determined. Should I go with her? Look at Ron... oh, he looks disappointed. I wonder what's wrong with him... did something happen? He looks... almost anxious. Ok. Go with Ginny. Stand slowly... push chair in... look at Ron... get foot stuck in table leg and go flying.
Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant. Ginny helps me up, Ron's laughing. Lovely. How am I such an idiot? I was never this clumsy before!
Grr... Wave. Wave. Bye Ron. Must go with Ginny to listen to her blather on. Of course, I don't say this out loud... Ginny would kill me. He gives me that lopsided grin... why does he do that? And why does it make me melt?
That's it. Nothing he does will make me weak. Nothing he does will make me act like an love-crazed idiot.
My life should not orbit around Ron. It will not orbit around Ron. I refuse to let it revolve around him. That's it. No more.
Ginny is talking. It's kind of faint. I wonder if she'll start speaking any louder, it is a bit hard to hear her at the moment. Wait- where'd she go. Oh! There she is! She stopped walking. Hm.. I wonder why. Oh. Now I'll have to walk back and see what the trouble is...
OH! I see. Ginny's blushing... maybe it has something to do with the uncontrollable "haha, I know what you're staring at and why you stopped and I know what you're thinking" smile that has spread across my face. It's not my fault! I scream silently I can't wipe the stupid smile off my face! Well.. it's not like Ginny can stop smiling either.
Hehe. Anyone wondering why Ginny stopped walking? That's right, you guessed it! Harry is practicing quidditch on the quidditch pitch with Ron and some other boys from their dorms. Apparently, they are trying to help Ron improve his keeper skills. Not that he needs the help. In my opinion, he's a bloody fantastic quidditch player, if he'd just gain some confidence and grow up a bit. Really, he just can't be so hard on himself, he's such an amazing person and-
And there I go again. what was I going to say again? Oh yes, something witty and sarcastic:
"Why don't you go and join them? You know you want to..." Ok, well, that didn't turn out quite as witty or sarcastic as I had planned but... close enough. Got her to blush didn't it? Oh, wait, there she goes. Practically running past me, straight for the lake. Guess she didn't want to play quidditch after all.
Oh, loverly. Now, I get to chase after her, since she undoubtedly will be hiding somewhere where she won't be quite so distracted by Harry and will be walking around the lake looking for the "perfect spot". Really, I should just stay here and wait for her to find me.
Yeah... right... anyways, off to find Ginerva.