The Cabin Right Now…
In the kitchen, Billie stood near the stove, her arms stretched out and grabbing the edges of the marble countertop as she took in several shaky breaths. The confrontation she just had with Van almost took her to the edge of her sanity. She needed a drink. It seemed that as of late, alcohol was the one thing that she turned to when things got to a point where she couldn't handle them. But alcohol wouldn't solve any of her problems. It was just another addiction she needed to wean herself off of, like the heroine. Billie knew she needed to face this head on, and not leave it to fester like she had with a few things that went wrong in her life.
Van was right; she'd been acting unlike herself, and in order for her to make him believe she was fine, Billie needed to clear her mind and get a few things off her chest before she could face him again. Her thoughts drifted back to that night five years ago, and the partner she lost. It was time to re-examine the events that had scarred her heart and left her unable to feel except in the worst of situations. Before heading down memory lane, she grabbed a bottle of wine out of the fridge, popping the cork and taking a big swig straight from the bottle.
Flashes of each and every moment ran through Billie's mind like a movie. She took a deep breath as everything flooded back to her. Tears of a past riddled with pain and lost love began to fall from her eyes and down her cheeks, landing on the counter. Billie held back the sobs threatening to escape her lips by placing her hand over her mouth, but that didn't stop the tears that continued to fall. Hoping to divert some of her attention, she took another swig of wine, gulping down nearly a quarter of the bottle this time. There was too much to cope with, and absolutely no therapist, no doctor she had seen could help her through it all. That's why she chose to lock it up and hide it from the world, preferring to be alone in her pain and drown it out with her several addictions. They kept her from feeling when she needed to. It was no wonder Van had called her a heartless bitch. Billie knew it was the truth. Keeping everyone at an arm's length kept her from getting hurt again, but it also meant hurting those that cared about her.
In the living room, Van plopped down on the couch, throwing his feet onto the coffee table as the anger he felt towards Billie began to dissipate and he realized how big a mistake he actually made by pushing her to tell him things she obviously wasn't ready to tell anyone yet. After staring at the crackling fire for a few minutes, he finally got up and went back to the kitchen, hoping that she'd accept his apology for being such an ass.
When he entered the small room, the first thing Van noticed was Billie's back turned towards him and her violently shaking shoulders, with one hand grabbing the edge of the marble countertop for support while the other held a bottle of wine. He could tell she was crying. Something was bothering her yet again. He'd begun to realize that the only times she drank were when she was angry and when there was something weighing on her shoulders. But exactly what those things were, he still hadn't figured out yet.
"Billie?" Van softly asked as he slowly approached her with caution, fearing another outburst was in store.
"Leave me alone, Van," Billie murmured, taking a step away from him. She retreated farther back into the kitchen, as far away as was physically possible. Billie hated being seen vulnerable. It was bad enough Van saw her cry when her best friend, Alexa, died. She didn't need him to see her now, on the verge of a total breakdown.
No matter how far Billie moved back, Van followed her. When they reached the back wall of the kitchen and couldn't go any farther, Billie slid down the corner and curled up into a little ball. Maybe if she tried to make herself as small as possible, he'd go away, she thought. But Van got down on his knees right beside her and waited. With a shaky hand, she wiped away her tears even though more would take their place.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Van put a hand on her shoulder and said, "I'm sorry, Billie. I didn't mean to be so harsh and demanding." He knew the reason for her sudden outpouring of emotion wasn't his fault, but it was a good way to try and break the ice between them.
Billie wiped away a few more tears, still unable to look at him as she replied, "This has nothing to do with you."
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Finally, the confirmation Van had been looking for. He needed to tread softly if he was hoping to get anything out of her and maybe see why she was so broken up. "You wanna talk about it?" he asked, using his thumb to wipe away a couple of tears that had made their way to her chin. Maybe a little affection was all she needed. He'd try anything and everything to get her to open up.
"No," Billie stubbornly answered, but her mind was telling her this was the only chance she had to get things out in the open, and maybe make right of something. Hesitantly, she finally changed her answer and replied, "Yes." After a short pause, she added, "Just don't say anything until I'm finished."
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
"I promise I won't say a word," Van affirmed. He sat back on his heels, but not before taking her hand and holding it to show her he was being serious. There was nothing Van wanted more than to help her through whatever she was keeping locked inside.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
"Five years ago, while I was working undercover, I had a partner. His name was Adrian." Just mentioning the name made Billie's voice crack, but she continued on. "He and I… We were… inseparable from the day we met. We became fast friends, and soon that friendship turned into something more… I fell in love with him, so deeply in love that I knew down to the very depths of my soul, we were meant to be together… And he felt the same way about me. He always used to make me feel so special. It was the little things he did, like cooking me dinner after a long day or giving me a massage while we were doing surveillance on a suspect or," she chuckled, remembering the beautiful flower arrangement from at the restaurant, "sending me white lilies at the office. He was the only man that I ever gave my heart to… We were together for over a year. We were even talking about getting married and starting a family. But we never got that far with our relationship…" Billie stopped suddenly, the overwhelming pain of what she was about to tell Van consuming her. She broke out into sobs, not wanting to continue, but he managed to pull her back with the soft touch of his hand on her cheek lifting her face so they were eye to eye.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
"Its okay, Billie," he told her, wiping the tears from her face. Van took her hand again and squeezed it.
Billie nodded, using the sleeve of her shirt to wipe her nose, not caring what he thought about it. "One night, we were taking down this drug dealer. It was supposed to be a simple bust, grab the guy and bring him in as soon as he made the deal. But nothing was easy that night. Somehow, he found out we were cops, and as soon as we met him, all hell broke loose. Adrian and I were caught in the middle of a shootout. We somehow managed to hide behind a building as the dealer and his crew shot at us from all angles while we waited for backup to arrive. They were getting closer, no matter how many people we shot, and we had to move if we were going to get out alive. There was another building to our right, so Adrian told me he'd cover me, that everything would be okay, and as soon as I got to the next building, I needed to cover him. I made it across safely while he shot a few more of the dealer's men, leaving only him and his wingman. But when it came to Adrian crossing that gap between the buildings…" Billie trailed off, sniffling and wiping her tears. This was going to be tough, but Van squeezed her hand again, showing her that it was going to be okay. "The dealer's wingman saw what he was trying to do, and before I could swing my arm and try to get a shot off, he had already done so… The bullet hit Adrian in the chest… He wasn't wearing a vest that night. I told him to wear one, begged him, but he refused to because he thought it would show through his shirt. My mind went crazy and I began to shoot at the suspects until they both went down. Once they were out of the picture, I went over to Adrian to see if he was okay."
Billie stopped again, more sobs escaping her lips as she buried her face in her knees. Van edged himself a little closer to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She let her head fall against his chest, unable to hold back any longer.
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
"I tried to save him… tried to keep the blood from rushing through the hole in his chest… but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help him. I couldn't save him. He died in my arms. I didn't even get to tell him how much I loved him," Billie wailed. She started to cough, her tears choking her. Van held her as she continued to cry. Never in his life had he seen Billie so broken up. Even when Alexa died, she hadn't been this emotional. So this was the reason why she kept to herself. This was the reason why she was so cold and distant. This was the reason why she had done heroine then moved on to alcohol. They kept her from remembering it, feeling the pain of it all. Now he knew why she became angry every time he got close to a mark. It was all about her and her reasons for staying away.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
"Last night, I thought I was going to lose you like I lost Adrian. It was like being back at that warehouse with that drug dealer," Billie continued to weep. It might have felt good to finally get everything to do with her former lover out in the open, but now she was faced with picking up the pieces and starting all over again. It meant she had to move on. It also meant she needed to face the other feelings that had been suddenly bombarding her whenever she and Van were in the same room together. "I couldn't stand the thought of you dying in my arms without ever telling you how sorry I was for many of the things I've said and done to you. I didn't want to push you away like I have been, it's just that I was afraid if I got too close, I'd end up getting hurt again. It seems that every time I do get close to someone, I lose them. I don't want that to be the case with you." She paused for a few moments, her hand tracing leisurely circles against his chest. Her mind was somewhere else yet again, except this time she was contemplating what to say next.
Van gently lifted her chin with his hand so their eyes met. Hers were bright red from all that crying, but surprised from such a bold move. "Are you trying to tell me something, Billie?" he asked, figuring she was taking this conversation somewhere.
Billie looked down again, unable to meet his intense gaze. If she kept staring into those grey green pools, she knew she'd lose her composure and possibly blurt out everything that was on her mind. It was as if Van's gaze had a way of unearthing all her secrets. Maybe that's why she tried to push him as much as she could. Had they been forced to spend more time like this together, he'd probably know everything about her by now.
"Billie?" Van questioned once more, lifting her chin again.
Those intense eyes were shining on hers. Billie didn't know how much more she could take. They stared at each other for a full minute before her resolve finally cracked. Without warning, she blurted, "I love you, Van."
Billie gasped, her hand immediately flying over her mouth before she said anything else. It seemed to have a mind of its own. She was shocked, unable to believe she could ever make that kind of admission out loud. Billie quickly stood up and bolted for the door, cursing herself for getting so emotional and careless. Now all she wanted to do was run away and hide under a rock for the rest of her life. How could she have told him she loved him? It made no sense to her, but somehow, she had admitted it, and now it was going to bite her in the ass like everything else.
Before Billie ever reached the door, Van had already positioned himself in front of it, catching her in his arms. Her nuclear meltdown had just reached critical mass, and it was all downhill from there. He held her tight against his chest as she struggled to free herself from his grasp, but she was too weak, and when Billie realized she wasn't going anywhere, she gave up. Her body went limp as her sobs gained strength. Van gently lowered her to the floor, where they sat for the next hour until she cried herself to sleep.
With the utmost delicacy, Van picked Billie up off the floor, carrying her to the couch even though his right shoulder protested. He didn't care about the pain right now. His head was spinning from everything Billie had just admitted to him. It was as if the world had come crashing down, and all he could do was stand back and watch. What she said came as such a shock to him that he sat down on the hardwood floor in front of the fireplace and just stared at her in wide eyed disbelief.
'Wow,' Van thought, going though it again in his mind. 'It all makes sense now. The way she's been acting, the way she's been talking; everything goes back to Adrian.' The biggest revelation, though, had to be Billie's admission of love for him. It was so unexpected, Van thought he might have heard wrong. But she did say it. And it still resonated in his mind like a strange dream. What was he supposed to think, say, or even do now that he knew her deepest, darkest secret?
The subject of love struck a chord in Van's own heart. He had been in love once. Cassidy Shaw stole his heart, and ripped it to pieces, not once but twice. From that point on, he refused to get too close to a mark, even though he did sleep with them when he had to. Blowing one's cover and falling in love were two very separate things he kept far apart ever since Cassidy played him.
But Billie was a completely different story. Van didn't deny the feelings of lust that drifted into his mind the first day they met. She was one hell of a beautiful woman, always dressing in some midriff bearing top or super low cut pants and even the occasional miniskirt. She never ceased to stop catching his attention, no matter what. Yet he said it himself, she was the most beautiful woman he'd never sleep with. It was a comment made in anger, never fully thought out and carelessly thrown into the mix while he'd been talking to Deaq.
Van never really evaluated his feeling towards Billie until she finally put hers out in the open and made him face them. It was hard to say what they were other than lust, annoyance, anger, and sometimes hatred. Deep down, though, something more intense presented itself. Van couldn't put a finger on exactly what it was, and soon became frustrated. He stood up, walking into the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. While there, he turned off the stove, which had been running for over an hour now. Searching thought the cabinets, Van found a box of Corn Flakes. They might not have been Lucky Charms but still edible in his book. The fridge only yielded wine and frozen meat, forcing him to eat the stuff dry.
With cereal box in hand, Van returned to the living room and his warm spot beside the fireplace. Pouring a handful into his palm, he began to pick out the larger flakes and eat them as his mind wandered into the realm where few men would ever travel, the land of intense emotions.
'Do I love her?' Van asked himself, popping another dry flake into his mouth. 'Do I even like her?' Questioning his feelings for Billie was a good place to start. 'I care about her, very much, almost too much. But why do I care about her?' Van knew he was treading into dangerous territory. There were several occasions where his concern for Billie's safety and welfare had gone above and beyond what they were supposed to, like when her drug dealing snitch, Shane, ran her off the road and nearly killed her. That was one phone call Van would never forget. The pain and suffering in her voice had been crystal clear. She tried to hide it, but he could easily hear. Van had to admit, stuffing the little bastard into the trunk of their car on the return trip from Mexico had been harsh, but not harsh enough, not after what he put Billie through. It was at that moment Van realized his feelings for his boss had begun to materialize.
The second event which catapulted his feelings into a completely different stratosphere was Billie's incarceration. For three days, Van and Deaq did everything in their power to get her name cleared. He had been scared to death for her, more than ever before. It trumped his own kidnapping. The emotional rollercoaster he'd been put through during that case sent him reeling. What was worse, she had almost gotten killed in a prison fight.
And of course, there was the confrontation between him and Rousseau the other day. That was the peak of his emotions towards his boss. It was the angriest Van had ever become, nearly blowing his cover with that stunt he pulled at the warehouse. He knew it was a stupid move, but all he wanted to do was wipe that smug grin off the bastard's face for what he did to Billie. It definitely sparked something deep within Van's soul, but could it be love? He doubted it, whole heartedly, because the only love he ever really had was for Cassidy. Yet he questioned himself on that as well, sighting several things that quickly changed his mind. Their whole relationship had been based on sex, lies, and money. Looking at it now, Van realized it wasn't love. In his idealistic mind, love revolved around caring, respect, and trust, which is exactly what he had with Billie.
'Okay, so I care about her, I respect her, and I trust her, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with her,' Van tried to convince himself even though he knew he had just opened his own private Pandora's box. 'But that doesn't mean I'm not in love with her.' And he was back at square one again, slowly eating through another handful of Corn Flakes as he stared at her sleeping form on the couch.
Billie appeared so serene as she slept. Her body relaxed, softening her hard features and making her seem like more of the vulnerable woman that she was than she projected herself to be. There was no denying it, Billie was absolutely gorgeous. Van never really had the chance to study her until now, fearing any attention he gave her while they worked would give her the wrong idea. He put the cereal box down and cross the room so he sat beside the couch, his left shoulder pressing against the frame.
The closer Van got, the more he noticed. He realized he loved Billie's heart shaped face. He ran a finger along her jaw, memorizing the smoothness of her skin. It felt like silk against his fingers. Her apple shaped cheeks were the next places his fingers traveled. Van felt a little guilty for what he was doing, but the sensations were quickly mesmerizing him into forgetting all about what Billie might do if she woke up. His thumb crossed her feather soft lips, which were parted in a smile across her face, something he so rarely got to see when she was awake. Her usual look was one of absolute seriousness, and happiness was only reserved for very special occasions. The proverbial icing on top of the cake was her button nose. He thought it was cute when she got angry and it scrunched up, giving her that funny menacing look that didn't really make him cower, even though he knew better.
Van smiled at the thought of Billie getting angry. It was something he had grown accustomed to and learned to expect. Everything else still surprised him, especially everything about that past day. As he continued to stroke her face, his fingers pushed back a stray lock of her dark hair behind her ear. That's when it hit him; the overwhelming feeling of admiration he had for this woman. "Oh, my God," Van whispered. "I do love her." It really was love, and for once, he didn't fear it. He wanted to wake Billie and tell her, make her realize that she wasn't the only one who felt this way. He loved her! He wanted to shout it from the rooftops, at the top of his lungs, and make the whole world take note that Van Ray was in love. But he stayed put, instead deciding to keep quiet and let her sleep. He had time on his side, and this little cottage set the mood perfectly. Besides, Billie needed some sleep. She'd been through enough that day.
Climbing onto the couch beside her, Van wrapped his arms around Billie and held her against his chest. Unconsciously, she snuggled closer to him. It was funny how they had suddenly switched places. He was now the one holding her as she slept, trying to figure out how he'd make her feel better and tell her his own little secret. That would come in time. Right now, his mind fixed on her body and the way it fit so perfectly against his. "I love you, Billie," Van softly whispered into her ear. Brushing away the hair from her neck, he softly placed a kiss on her warm skin. He soon fell asleep, his mind drifting to all the things that lay ahead for them.
I knew I couldn't torture your guys anymore, so I HAD to post this chapter! I'm afraid now. LoL! I just dropped the shit bomb and now I don't know what many of you will think, and if you'll accept my explanation for what happened. I hope you guys can give me some pointers on how to revise it and make it better, or have it make more sense. I really would appreciate some feedback on this chapter because it was the one I was most excited about posting, in both good ways and bad.
prplerayne: I hope you liked this chapter! I know you've been waiting for it. Hell, you've been bugging the shit out of me to post it. So, here it is. Your other questions will be answered in the next update, about the helmet cam and Abeny. Hehe, that should be a fun chapter to read because it involves blood and gore and a lil'bit of fighting. LoL! Hope that piqued your interest! But seriously, what are your thoughts on this chapter? Would you change anything? Please let me know.
shalimar: Well, here it is, the chapter I've been hinting about. I hope you like it. Hey, I did post almost the day after you reviewed! Hehe, that's so awesome! Well, what do you think? I really wanna know. Did it make sense? Was it shocking? Please, give me some feedback! I trust you'll pick up on things I managed to miss.
fan4fastln: I'm so scared I just turned you away from this story. But I want to know, what could I do to make it better? What could I do to make it feel like Billie really was falling for Van if you weren't feeling it? I hope you were. Ack! All this worrying is getting to me! I'm just gonna go work on my homework now, so I can take my mind off it.
Avillie: Alright, so this isn't the end, but shit did hit the fan, didn't it? But don't worry, you'll get that grand finale soon. I'm not done with either one of them just yet. There are still a couple of surprises in store for Van and Billie, especially Billie. I think I'm gonna torture her a little more in the chapter after next. As for Abney and Xavier, next update. I think everyone who hates the two of them will enjoy the next update. Deaq's gonna have a lot of fun in the next update. Cryptic enough? Hehe. I hope you liked this update, tho. It's the one I've been hinting about like crazy. I just hope it made sense in the end. What did you think? How would you change it?
Francesca: Okay, I gotta know your thoughts on this last chapter. I know you've been reading the story, now I wanna know what you think of it. Please, I could use all the help I can get.
The Unsigned: Thank you for your continuing support. I hope some of you will review soon, because I'd really like some feedback about how to make this a better story. But even if you don't, I still thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.
Well, that's it for now. I'm gonna go nervously wait in front of the computer for the next few days in hopes of getting some good feedback about the story. (If I'm beginning to sound redundant, I'm really sorry! I'm just so nervous!)
This story is very close to finished. I might have it done before Christmas. Heck, I might have a holiday story done before Christmas. I'll just have to see about that, though. I hope you enjoyed!
Music: "Fix You" Coldplay
More story coming soon!