A/N Oh my god! I cant believe it! Dude where's my moose was 8 pages long on paper without any of the actions. This story is 19 pages without the actions! 19 PAGES! This is going to take forever:Bangs head on table: why oh why did I have to make this story so long:Starts crying:
Hello Dr.Phil
The theme music comes on and out comes DR.PHIL!
"Hello and welcome to the Doctor Phil show. Today
on the show we have three guests that, in my personal opinion are have so many problems it's a miracle that they are still alive and functional members of society. First, I'll work with all three of them at once, and after I identify their key problems and issues in life, work one on one with each of them in a private therapy sessions. Everyone please give a warm welcome to Allen, Van and Falcon!"
The audience clap crazily, and then starts to gossip like school girls at the guests
"Oh my look at that man's hair!"
"It's so sexy!"
"Oh look at that mans arm!" Girlie high pitched scream
"Sweet!"
"Look at that dark brown hared man. He looks sort of boring compared to the others." One girl whispers to another
" He's probably the crazy one"
Van, who was walking to his seat only a moment ago, stopped and yelled across the stage to the audience "I'm not crazy!"
"Shit he can hear us!... How's that possible?"
"Maybe he's not crazy. Maybe he's some super hero that got hit by one too many buses, and now has a bus phobia!"
"That must've knocked his brain around."
"Awe poor guy!" A group of ladies crooned, giving him sympathetic looks
"I'm not a super hero! And I'm not afraid of buses!" Van yelled, gesturing violently at the audience
"Please, there's no need to yell. This is about you not the audience" Dr.Phil said, tactfully leading Van to his chair "Now first, I would like to ask…"
"Excuse me" Folken interrupted, having to say something before the show continued "My name isn't Falcon it's FOLKEN. I'm not a bird!"
Doctor Phil looked down and his cure card and quickly muttered a small apology
"So...First thing, how are ya'll related?"
"Well…" Van started off "Folken's my gibbled brother and Allen's my... he's--umm. What is Allen again, Folken?"
"I don't know.." Folken faked a thinking look "Maybe he's your friend?"
"That'll work!"
"I feel so loved!" Allen sarcastically wined
"Why don't you feel loved Allen?" Dr.Phil asked leaning forward in his chair dead serious
"Do you have unresolved issues with your parents?"
"What?... NO!"
"Oh, I see what's going on." The doctor muttered, scribbling something down on his cue card and hiding it from Allen each he leaned over to see
"Please enlighten us, because we have no idea what you talking about." Folken muttered. Allen and Van nodded their heads in agreement.
"I can understand why you don't want to talk about it in front of your friends. It's a very emotional matter for you, isn't it?"
"No that's not-"
"We'll talk about that in individual therapy"
"Great…" Allen sighed, bowing his head till it snapped up again at Van's next comment
"Don't be mad at Dr.Phil, Allen. It's not your fault, it's your dysfunctional family"
"Shut-up Van! Why don't we tell the good doctor some of your issues?"
"I can help with this." Folken muttered eviliy
"Please Folken, don't get involved!" Pleading puppy eyes, the audience "Awe's" all together
"Sorry little brother, but this is a opportunity to good to pass up." Van's face whitened, but turned to a evil smirk
"Fine! FOLKEN HAS A TOE NAIL FETISH! Van yelled, pointing a accusing finger at his brother
"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU!"
"Toe nail? What the-" Allen continued to ponder while the yelling was going on
"FINE! You want to play? Then take this!" Folken cleared his throat "VAN PLAYED WITH BARBIES TILL HE WAS TWELVE"
"FOLKEN! Dad said you weren't allowed to tell anyone!" Van quietly muttered almost in tears
"Van played with barbies? Shocked Allen
"Mind boggling, isn't it?" Folken muttered in the background.
Finally Dr.Phil snapped out of his shock of Folken's toe nail thing "Ahem, well now that that's taken care of, who wants to go first to individual therapy?"
Insert crickets chirping
"Anyone?"
"I vote Van."
"Same!"
"Allen, how could you? Why do I have to go first? NO!" Van yelled frantically, looking for a exit as Dr.Phil dragged him away into the individual therapy room before a escape plan could be accomplished
----Van and Dr.Phil's session ----
"So Van, do you know why you used to play with barbies?
"You're the doctor. You should know." Van mumbled crossing his arms defiantly
"I have some ideas, but I'd like you hear what you think."
"Why would I know why? You know what? I don't even care! And another thing, I hate this stupid show!" Van rambles on
"Van calm down this isn't helping the situation" Doctor Phil yelled when Van lifted up the pitcher of water and raised it above his head as if he was about to throw it at someone
"So why?" Van asked once he was sitting down and the pitcher was place in a safe location
"I think your lack of female influence in your life has caused you to reach out for any female. In this instance, the female you reached out to would be
barbies."
"What! I don't-- Didn't play with barbies because I didn't have a female influence!"
"OK, let me ask you a series of questions and if you answer the majority yes then there's a lack of female influence. If not, then I'll leave you alone" After a few moments of silence Van reluctantly nodded his head
"Answer truthfully, Did your mother die when you were young?"
"Yes"
"Have people close to you betrayed you?"
"Yes"
"Do you have anyone that clings or obsesses over you?"
"I don't see what this-"
"Just answer the question."
"Yes"
"Is this person female?"
"Yes"
"Interesting…" Dr.Phil muttered, scribbling some things on his card once again
"So now what, Phil?" Van asked, annoyed after a few moments of silence
"The first thing is admitting you have a problem"
"But I don't!"
"But what about-" Dr.Phil tried to reason
"So what if I USED TO play with barbies. I don't anymore so what's the problem?"
"Just because the obvious signs of this problem is gone it doesn't mean your still not effected, there could be repressed signs that your not even aware of"
"Like?"
"Lashing out, using violence as a means to solve problems"
"So what?"
"It may not seem that bad, but after a period of time it could turn you to thinking friends are enemies and they enjoy causing pain."
"So, how are you going to fix me?"
"Have you ever heard of individual therapy? (1) Van shakes his head "It's where you spend time with another person that has been through something similar to you. You spend time together, go to bars, movies, just spend time together and talk about each others problems"
"Like a hired friend?"
"Someone that has a education in therapy"
Van seamed to ponder that idea for a bit "I don't think so."
"Open you mind Van this could help you!" Phil stated, giving Van a pleading look
"Maybe..." Some more silent thinking moments "If I had a problem!"
"YOU DO SO HAVE A PROBLEM!" A voice sounding like Allen's yell came from who knows where
"Allen is that you?" Van asked, both Dr.Phil and Van looking around for any sign of the golden-haired knight
"I don't see how he could have gotten in the doors are locked" Phil muttered to himself
"Allen where are you!" Van yelled, frantically looking around the room once again.
Silence
"Come out, Allen. I promise not to be mad"
"LIES!" Allen's voice echoed throughout the room
"Come on Allen!"
"NO I will never" Allen's speech was cut off, and Van and Doctor Phil witnessed Allen falling from the air vent. He landed hard on the floor behind Dr.Phil's couch
"You were in the air vent!" Van yelled, obviously shocked
"Yep" Allen answered emotionlessly, flicking a dust ball of his shoulder indifferently.
"Allen…" Dr.Phil said, in the tone you use when scolding a child "How would you feel if Van sneaked into your therapy session?"
"He's not smart enough to sneak into my session!" Allen exacted pointing his finger at Van. Of course Van couldn't let that challenge be said with no retaliation
"OH YAH!" Van yelled back UNintelligently
"YAH!"
"Then I'll just have to sneak into you're session then!" Van threatened raising himself up to Allen's face, a intense glaring match starting between the two
"That's enough!" Dr.Phil exclaimed, standing up and separating the two "How can you make a therapy session a challenge?"
"It's easy really, all you have to do is find one small insignificant thing, take spitting for example," Allen said matter of factly, like he was explaining something simple and normal, like sharpening a pencil " And you turn it into a competition.
"I remember that!" Van practically growled out "Who knew Folken could spit seven feet. It's inhuman!"
"Yea, I know. Like what's up with that?"
"This isn't the time or place to discuss Folken's spitting ability" Dr.Phil tried to breakup the conversation but failed miserably
"How do you think he does it?" Allen continued
"Maybe he was genetically altered to be the perfect spitter!" Van exclaimed, after think for a moment
"Oh My God! that's probably it!" Allen exclaimed as if he'd just discovered the Kentucky fried chicken recipe
"hello? Is anyone listening to me?" Dr.Phil yelled in the background
"Quiet Phil" Allen said dismissingly "He probably did it to show us up!"
"That bastard!" Van exclaimed, automatically believing what Allen said
"We'll have to get him back!"
"But how?" Both stopped to think for a moment, Allen absentmindedly stroking his chin
"Allen, could you please leave? You're distracting Van!"
"But my time's almost up!" Van wined giving Phil the sad puppy eyes
"No, I'm signing you up for individual therapy. Also, I would like to talk to you later about-Van! Come back here!--Don't you walk away from me!" The door slams shut and Van disappears behind it
"So doc, are we going to start my session now?" Allen asked crossing his legs on the couch
"Yes, all right. Let's get started"
----Allen's and Dr.Phils session ----
"So Allen, your dysfunctional family…"
"They're not dysfunctional!"
"Oh, they weren't dysfunctional?" Dr.Phil rolls his eyes at that "Did you and your parents have communicational problems?"
"What do you mean?" inquisitive head tilt
"Did your parents... How can I word this?…" Dr.Phil scratches chin "Mislead or...lied to you?"
"Are you calling my parents liars!" Allen automatically took offence, and jumped up from his seat
"No I'm just"
"My parents never lied to me! I believed every word they said!" Allen exclaimed triumphantly flopping down on his chair
"Are you sure?"
"Positive!"
"Did you even ask any questions that you thought they maybe lying about?" Allen had to think about this one before he answered
"There were answers I thought were strange, but they made sense…In a strange sort of way."
"And what was one of these questions?" Dr.Phil got his pen poised and ready
"When I was eight I asked my dad 'where babies came from'.."
After a few moments of silence Dr.Phil gave a impatient cough
"And what did he say?"
"Babies are found in baskets in the forest"
Doctor Phil stared shocked at Allen
"What?" Allen asked baffled
"And that makes sense to you?"
"Yea…that doesn't to you?" It was Allen's turn to be shocked "And you're a Doctor!" Allen exclaimed pointing at Dr.Phil
"Oh stop that!" Phil snapped smacking Allen's hand down "Just becaus" --crack--
"What was that?" Allen asked, also hearing the crack
"I don't " --crack-- "know.."
"It's getting louder"
--CRACK-- AHHHH, ---THUD--- Allen and Dr.Phil look up in time to see Van falling from the skylight and landing on the wooden table right in front of them
"Van?...What the?"
"Van how did you..." Dr.Phil looks up at the skylight "You fell through the skylight!"
A loud moan comes form Van "This wouldn't have happened if you bought the two inch skylight glass instead on the one inch" mumbles something about Phil being a cheap bastard
"Van, what are you doing here!" Allen yelled not even caring that van was still laying on the table, moaning in pain
"You said I couldn't get in but…" van jumps up as if he hadn't just fell six feet "I'm here so HA HA!" points at Allen childishly
"But you fell through a skylight!"
"You fell through a air vent!"
"SO?"
"It's the same thing!"
"Mine was better and more original. I do believe that makes me the winner." Allen smirked
"No it doesn't!"
"Yes it does!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"SHUT UP!" Allen and Van both stared blankly at Dr.Phil
"Woah chill out" Both replied together
"Is everything between you two so competitive?"
Allen and Van both have flashbacks of the 'good old days'
---Fighting over Hitomi----
---Trying to kill each other---
---Playing twister---
"Of course we're not competitive!" Allen said in defence
"You are so!"
"Am not!"
"Right…" Van rolled his eyes "Take the annual Escaflowne VS Inu-yasha baseball game."
"That wasn't competitiveness!"
"Right you were just 'tense'" Van made those finger movements at the world 'tense'
"It was nothing big… We don't have to talk about it!" Allen pouted and crossed his arms
"Nothing big! You got into a fight with the mascot!"
"I DID NOT!"
"You yelled at a guy in a cat costume to 'bring it!', as I recall."
Allen decided not to justify that comment with a remark
"I still don't know why you freaked out at him like that"
"He was giving me a weird look!"
"He was in a cat costume! You couldn't even see his face!"
"HE WAS GIVING ME A WEIRD LOOK!"
Rolls eyes "Right…"
"Seriously, I can tell, its like a sixth sense or something"
"What do you think about Allen and his 'sixth sense' ,Phil?...Phil?"
"Where'd he go?"
Van looks around the room "He's in the corner crying into his cue card things."
"Poor guy and he still has Folken to deal with"
Dr.Phil finally regains himself and goes to the door "Can you please get Folken and get out of here?" Phil said with only a little bit of pleading in his voice
"Sure!" Allen and Van skip out of the room as Dr.phil slams the door behind them
"GOD!"
(1) No ones heard of individual therapy cause I made it up! ha!
A/N Only on page 9! page 9, still more insanity to come! R&R please!