Cold and empty

32 years old

Clark got up late today. It was almost 12:30 when he woke up but he hadn't slept that much, as he was awake in bed up till 7:00. His mind was troubled by too many things. Lex taking over the Daily Planet awoke in him again the desire to try and stand up against him, although he wasn't sure what Clark Kent or Superman could do about that.

And of course seeing and talking to Lois again, also stirred a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions. He was certain now that it was indeed for the best, and he had to admit that with the way things have been the last year of their marriage, the love he felt for Lois had waned. He still cared for her of course, which was one of the main reasons he thought the divorce was a good idea. He had realized that Lois wasn't happy and he really wanted for her to be happy.

But with that, came the fears he harbored since he was a teenager and found out he was from another planet. The fear of everyone around him leaving –willingly or not- and him ending up alone, as there was no one out there like him.

As he led this double life, he had kept his friends at a minimum, and now he realized that he truly felt alone. His father had died, Lois and him were divorced –and he wasn't sure if they could really maintain a semblance of friendship-, Lex and him had just drifted apart and were now on opposite sides, Chloe had married and moved to Gotham, Pete was also married and lived in Washington, and the only person that was actually close to him, tried to avoid him. The only one left was his mother.

It then hit Clark that he didn't really have that many friends in high school, and his secret had driven off the ones he had, one way or the other. Back when he began as Superman, he thought that he could do this alone, but now he realized that no one can go through life alone. It was stupid of him to believe so from the start. But that's the way it goes. The most important lessons in life you learn the hard way.

22 years old

Clark returned home once again to visit his mother. His travels continued and he was like a sponge, draining knowledge and experiences. He was even starting to get more and more comfortable, with the suit his mother had made for him. At first she had sowed in the chest the symbol of infinity, which was one of the principal symbols of his people, but as it happened, the article that Lois Lane had written had caught on, and now every time people referred to him, they did so as Superman; so his mother replaced the infinity symbol, with a big S. Clark thought it was kind of silly and well… a bit camp… but his mother liked it, so he decided not to say anything to not hurt her feelings.

After he had told his mother some of his latest adventures, he saw her frown a bit, when he mentioned about something he did in Italy.

"Clark… Lana called me…" said his mother with a heavy voice.

When Clark heard the tone of his mother's voice, he panicked. "Is she Ok? Is she hurt?" he said as he immediately jumped up from his chair, ready to take off the minute his mother confirmed his fears.

"She's fine Clark…" said his mother reassuringly. "It's just… she read an article about Superman in a US magazine and she realized that it must be you, so she called me and I confirmed it to her. I also told her that you had returned a bout a year and a half ago."

Clark sat down on his chair and sighed. "Mom… why did you tell her that?"

"I couldn't lie to her Clark… I mean… I also care too much about Lana and … if you'd heard the pain in her voice… I just couldn't lie to her anymore…"

Clark's heart broke when he heard his mother's words. He had caused Lana pain, even though that was exactly the thing he tried to avoid. "What did she say…?" asked Clark not sure if he wanted to hear, what his mother had to say.

"She… she… just wanted to know if you asked about her at all? And I told her that you talked about her all the time. I tried to explain your situation to her Clark, and even though she said she understood, it was obvious that the fact you didn't contact her at all pained her."

Clark remained silent. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands, whispering. "Stupid…. Stupid…"

"Why do I always seem to mess up the things I care for the most? Is this also one of my powers?" he said sarcastically as he hit himself on the head.

"Mom… all I ever wanted for her was to be happy… and just by existing I manage to make her life miserable… How the hell do I always do that?" said Clark as he got up from his chair irritated.

"Don't say that Clark. If you made her life miserable, then why would she be calling to know about you, and more importantly why would she love you?" said his mother in a stern voice.

"I don't know, we do a lot of things that are bad for us but we still like them. Maybe it's something like this." He said in frustration.

Martha walked up to him and cupped his head with her hands. "Clark listen to me. You are a wonderful person, and you have given great joy to Lana's life, not to mention that you have been there for her countless times. I know that she loves you and would never regret meeting you and having you in her life."

"But that's the thing mom, she can't have me in her life." Said Clark with tears in his eyes.

"Don't you think that it should be her decision to make?"

Clark looked torn. "I… I don't know mom…" said Clark and he exited the apartment.

To be continued…