Lost In Translation
Summary: Remus-centric one-shot. Reflections of the Marauders Friendship." And he fears, that when it comes to his best friends James Potter and Sirius Black, he will always be lost in translation."
Disclaimer: I may not own the characters but I own the thoughts I put in their head and the personalities I have created from them (of course remember both of these things come from my inferences of J.K. Rowlings amazing books and amazing fics found on this and other FanFiction sites…)
He finds it funny how both of them always know what the other is about to say before the words come out of the other's mouth. They always finish each other's sentences. He finds it slightly entertaining that they have some sort of secret language that only the two of them can understand. Sometimes one will begin a sentence and the other will reply before the sentence is even fully spoken. They often have whole conversations this way and even the closest of friends can't understand them. Remus doesn't usually mind if he's lost in translation. But sometimes he wishes he could have what they have.
Peter and him came to accept their half-spoken conversations long ago. It just was something that those two had that neither of them could. Peter was just too quiet and shy, and Remus was just too quiet and uncertain of himself. Those two just blend into one another till they are almost just one person. Remus could never see himself getting so lost in someone else's personality like they do. He knew Peter never could. He also knew Peter desperately wished he could.
Sometimes he wondered why Peter was their friend. He was quiet, and never had a way with the ladies. But then again doubting the fact that James and Sirius really did have a sincere friendship with Peter meant he had to doubt whether his friendship with James and Sirius was genuine. Though girls did like him, he was also quiet and while the other three boys had a mischievous streak, Remus was more studious. That didn't mean he never participated in their pranks, he just had the tendency to think about the consequences before diving in. He had the common sense the other three desperately lacked and though that was usually a positive trait it made him the odd one out in his group of friends.
James and Sirius were so much alike and yet infinitely different. They both had different backgrounds and though Sirius always cracked jokes he was definitely the more serious (no pun intended, seriou-honestly!) of the two. James tended to be more warm and lighthearted of the two. He was also substantially the more awkward of the two. Though he acted cocky and reassured, Remus knew the James, though comfortable in his own skin, had the unfortunate tendency to be rather ungraceful around a certain lady.
That was another big difference between the two. Both boys had millions of girls fancying them, yet James only had eyes for one of the few who didn't. Sirius didn't waste time with sincere feelings when it came to girls. He just picked one and had the time of his life until he got bored. Most would think him horrible and shallow for it but all the girls he dated knew it wouldn't last and they honestly couldn't care less. He heard a few of the clingier ones threw fits or cried in the girl's bathroom but the majority just giggled about it with their friends, and looked back at the times with Sirius knowing they had had the time of their lives.
That was just it. James and Sirius were like Yin and Yang, sun and moon. They were two sides of the same coin. Though they both loved Quidditch and girls and pulling pranks they were complete polar opposites. Remus had a theory. What made them such great friends was not their similarities but their differences. They balanced each other out. While James had the ideal family and boyish charm and looks, Sirius had a troubled household and a sense of roughish charm and the dark handsomeness of a man.
This was just one of the reasons why Remus could not have what Sirius and James had. Only the most carefree person in the bloody world could balance his extreme seriousness. Yes he did have his carefree moments where he let go and just enjoyed himself but those moments were few and far in between. Usually his presence just excluded a sense of wisdom and authority. Not many boys of his age could balance this. James, though he had a certain disregard for the rules, was made Head Boy, and Sirius, though lacking common sense, was brilliant. And Peter, Peter was a boy you could count on though he too lost a good many points for Gryffindor. And though he wasn't studious like Remus or naturally brilliant like Sirius he had brains and could use them. He had even designed a few of their more brilliant schemes.
And sure there were more guys out there whom he could befriend but Remus knew it would never be the same. James, Sirius and Peter were his best friends and no matter the amount of stupid things they did and were sure to do, Remus knew no one could replace them. Plus Remus just wasn't good with people. He didn't trust them. Hell he barley trusted his own self. It had taken Remus the better part of three years before he finally trusted his friends with his secrets. And now that he had come to trust them he would trust them with his life. After all Remus was never one for doing something only halfway. Well, except for living life. But it was hard to see the magic in life when he knew there was some foul magic inside his own body.
Being a werewolf changed him. He thinks its what made him really doubt the human race. It had also made him so uncomfortable and awkward in his own skin. His arms and legs were too long for his body and his scars contrasted with his bland and often cautious personality. They seemed to tell lies, saying his life was this big grand adventure when really it was quite far from it. But he couldn't blame everything on being a werewolf. In the end he knew it was his own fallibility of not being able to love and trust fully that barred him from ever having what James and Sirius did. Part of this problem may have stemmed from being a werewolf but in reality Remus knew he was weak. It was as simple as that. He was weak. He couldn't put himself out there because he couldn't let himself get hurt.
Remus knew that was another reason why James and Sirius worked. They both threw themselves out there baring their souls to the world. They pretty much said this is who I am so if you like me you like me and if you don't piss off and let me live my life. They were so open with each other that they could tell each other the truth without trying to spare feeling. And neither would be angry when the other took them of their high. There was this invincible trust between the two and Remus knew that no matter what happened them would always have this unbreakable bond.
Remus held himself back, didn't let people get to fully know him. James, Sirius and Peter knew everyone of his strange little quirks. They knew how he liked his tea and how he always went to sleep on his right side. Hell they knew he put his pants on one leg at a time. You can't live with a guy for the better part of seven years and not know these things. What the three boys didn't know about Remus was his thoughts, and hopes and dreams, and wishes. They didn't know that he secretly dreaded graduation and was terrified of the future. They didn't know that he really hated not knowing things, like how would life turn out. In one year would they all still be friends? How about in five? Ten? Would Lily ever say yes to James? Will Sirius ever get married? Will Peter ever get around to asking that Hufflepuff girl he's fancied for ages out? Will Remus ever find a Headmaster (or Mistress mind you) that is crazy enough to hire him as a professor?
These thoughts and worries he couldn't share with his closest friends. There just was this invisible wall holding him back and no matter how much he wanted to tell them he couldn't. He felt like he was going to burst inside. He felt like laughing insanely and sobbing hysterically all at the same time. It scared him because he didn't know why he wanted to laugh or why he felt like crying. Maybe these feelings would all go away if he just opened up but he was afraid that if he let even the smallest trickle of water through the dam would break. And then what would they think of him?
That was the problem, he was sure of it now. He was afraid of losing their friendship, he was afraid of what the thought of him? It was utterly ridiculous. James and Sirius worked because they both were themselves. Nothing more and nothing less. And neither of them cared what the other thought about them because they knew that, after all is said and done they would still be friends. Even Peter was himself. He was quiet, not because he was scared but because he preferred to listen and only give his two Knuts when he thought they were of value. And when he spoke his friends listened. And though they would often crack jokes and make fun of Peter, Remus knew that they treasured his rare insights on the conversations.
Yes, that was the problem and Remus wanted to solve it. Merlin only knows how much he wanted to solve it but for him it was near impossible. You see Remus just didn't know how to be himself. He didn't know how to just let go and take a chance. It's like trying to live like you were dying. Have you honestly ever tried? It's one of the hardest things in the world to do. Human fallibility and fears made it near impossible for all but a few. And Remus just happened to be gifted with the friends who could achieve this impossible task. They danced through life having the times of their lives. It's often said that the candles that burn twice as bright burn half as long. Maybe that's what allowed them to be so open and to love with arms wide open. They all were these brightly burning candles, and to make up for lost wick, so to speak, they lived fully. Remus knew he was just a normal candle with a mediocre flame. It was a depressing thought to think he may outlive his only true friends.
Sirius and James had a friendship that Remus could never hope to achieve. Even Peter had a sense of openness and faith that they would catch him when he fell. All of them had it, all of them except for Remus. He had the common sense to know that he would be the one to do the saving until there was no one left to save. And at that point no one would be there to catch him.
In the end, after all is left unsaid and undone, Remus knows he can never have what Peter has and he definitely can never have what they have. What they have is special, something that belongs only to people both comfortable in their own skin and comfortable around others. Remus knows he could never be that at home with a person. And he fears, that when it comes to his best friends James Potter and Sirius Black, he will always be lost in translation.
Aha! A Remus-centric reflection on the Marauders Friendship. Notice that James and Sirius's friendship was a big part of this reflection. Also Remus's shortcomings (he does have a lot of good traits, he just fails to see them in my opinion) are very big in this little fic. And Peter- yes Peter the person who went to the dark side, betrayed his friends, yada yada was a big part of this fic. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people leave Peter out of MWPP-era Fics. Remember once upon a time he had been their friend.
Now if any of you like the candle bit I suggest you read Twice As Bright by thirty2flavors over at The Unknowable room ( unknowableroom .org without the spaces). I give her all credit for those words as somehow when I was writing this fic those words flew out of my fingertips, and she had put those words in my mind.
Until the end
-Frozen-Passion-
P.S. I'm really sorry about the Sirius/serious thing. I really didn't mean for it to happen. I swear. Honestly! (Please don't come after me with pitchforks and torches begs on knees)