CF101: Okay, something's wrong with me. Another fast update. This is a record, a shattering record, should be in the headlines kind of thing. Three chapters written in less then a month! (gasps) I must be ill.

But this chapter is one I am really proud of, and I was ill from laughter after writing it. Hope you enjoy.

I own NOTHING but the fic. NOTHING, we clear?

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…

…Except two 5,000 year old spirits.

Marik grumbled as he waited in the Supermatic Slaying…ah, the Triple S. Sleigh impatiently, a thick jacket over his reindeer costume as the snow still continued to fall. Bakura was still inside doing who knows what and had left Marik outside to freeze.

"I swear…if he doesn't show his sorry butt in sixty seconds…"

"Hiya."

"WAHH!" Marik jumped and almost fell out of the sleigh. Turning he glowered at Bakura, who grinned cheekily at him.

"You know, you should really be more careful. That's the third time today that you've almost fallen spontaneously."

"Gee, I wonder why," replied Marik sarcastically. Then he did a double take. "Bakura, are you wearing safety pins?"

"Well I can't go tripping over my own pants all night now can I?" asked Bakura, climbing into the sleigh. Indeed, his pants and sleeves had been rolled up nine times (and were still a little long, but short enough to move around in safely) and held together by a series of safety pins. The hat had been rolled up twice and was held together the same way. Bakura carried with him several large sacks and dumped them into the back of the sleigh before getting into the driver's seat. Marik stared at Bakura, paling a little.

"Y-You sure you want to drive?"

"Of course. Santa drives, so Bakura drives too."

"But…Bakura, you aren't exactly a perfect driver…"

"And just what do you mean by that?" snapped the skinny Santa, placing his hands on his safety pin clad hips.

"Well…Bakura when you took your driver's test you ran over three cats, crashed into a tree, and made the driver's ears bleed because of the rap station you were playing."

"How was I supposed to know the guy had a low tolerance of cursing. Literally?" Bakura turned his attention to the sleigh, pushing a few buttons and starting it up. "Besides, I passed didn't I?"

"Only because you threatened to tie the guy to the top of the car when you drove back!" Bakura turned to Marik and pouted.

"Mawik…" He jutted out his lip and enlarged his eyes. "Can you honestly tell me that after all we have been through, you don't trust me, your bestest best friend?"

"No." Bakura's pout turned into a scowl.

"You know Ishtar, the reindeer are tied to the front of the sleigh when Santa delivers. Should I do the same to you?" Marik meeped.

"No, I'll be good!"

"Excellent." Bakura stood up. "Now Santa calls out the reindeer's names before he goes. So, uh…let's see…" He threw his arm out dramatically. "On Basher, on Ranter, on Pantsy and Nixon!"

"Oh brother." Marik rolled his eyes and noticed a large button with the word GO on it. He smirked.

"On Vomit, on Stupid, on Goner and-"

Marik pushed the button and with a loud explosion the Supermatic Slaying Sleigh Version 3.56838 shot off into the night, going from zero to 250 in five seconds.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!"

O.o.O.o.O

"I said I was sorry."

"…"

"Come on, how was I supposed to know the thing would do that?"

Bakura sighed as he landed the sleigh on the roof of their first house with surprising gentleness. "You are so lucky Ryou is such a heavy sleeper."

"You'd have to be dead not to hear that," muttered Marik as Bakura got out. "So now what?"

"I go down the chimney and steal the presents you twit," snapped Bakura, looking around. "That is, if there was a chimney…shoot, now what?" As the white haired would be Santa Clause stood there thinking, he heard a thwacking sound. Turning, Bakura's eyes nearly bulged out of his head when he saw Marik hacking away at the roof with an axe.

"What are you doing!"

"Well, you know what they say, if there's no chimney, chop one yourself!"

"…Who said that?"

"Me!" Bakura face palmed and grabbed the axe away from the ugly reindeer. "You idiot, we are not chopping holes through peoples' roofs!"

"We're not?"

"No. Besides, where did you get an axe?"

"EBAY. I was bored and it was either that or a toenails manicure set."

"…Okay, moving right along. Chopping a hole through the roof would take too long. This is better." Closing his eyes, Bakura concentrated as the Millennium Ring started to glow. There was the sound like a bazooka mating with a plunger and a gaping hole appeared in the middle of the roof. Marik's eyebrows shot up as Bakura nodded, jumping through the hole and landing silently inside.

"I suppose that's one way to do it," the Egyptian muttered, squatting down near the hole and peering inside. "Hey, whose house is this?" he whispered.

"Yours."

"Mine!"

"Keep it down! Yes, yours, I already looted from our house. Now shut up and let the King work." Marik grumbled and rubbed his blinking nose.

"King of Idiots, maybe. OW!" The blonde yami fell back into the snow as something hit him in the face. Muttering curses, Marik sat up and saw his assailant was a present, wrapped in green paper with a red bow. It said To Marik.

"Ho ho ho," muttered Bakura climbing out with one of the sacks over his shoulder, which was now full of gifts. "Maybe that'll keep you quiet while I work." Marik glared at him and followed Bakura to the sleigh, looking at the present curiously. Bakura threw the sack into the back of the sleigh and got back into the drivers seat, just when Marik ripped open the gift like a madman, leaving bits of wrapping paper everywhere. Bakura growled as he pulled the bow off his hat and Marik cheered.

"YES! Malik finally caved in and got me shojo manga! Woo hoo!" Bakura rolled his eyes as Marik grabbed the comic and opened it, his eyes scanning the pages greedily. The Thief King shook his head as the Triple S. Sleigh rose in the air.

"Oh yes, his brain's gone." He edged away as Marik let out a girlish squeal at something in the manga. "And his manliness has just joined the search party."

Five minutes later the two of them landed on the roof of the Kame Game Shop. Smirking, Bakura stepped out of the sleigh, leaving Marik to his manga. Creating another hole, he jumped down…

…Onto Yugi's bed. Eyes widening in pure terror, Bakura mentally kicked himself. He forgot they had landed right above Yugi's room! He froze as Yugi stirred.

'Oh bloody…this is it. This is the end, it's all over, the brat and the Pharaoh are going to send me to the shadows again!' Bakura's panicked thinking was cut off by Yugi grabbing his neck and pulling him down next to the short duelist.

"Oh Tea…you're so soft…be mine…Be mine, Tea divine…"

If Bakura wasn't so stunned he would have gagged. As it was, he was astounded that Yugi hadn't woken up, and the Pharaoh didn't seem to have noticed anything either. How did Bakura know this? He wasn't doing the backstroke in the Shadow Realm, for one thing. But there was still this problem, as Yugi was now whispering things that he would like to do to Tea in the yami's ear.

'And they call him innocent?' he thought incredulously. 'These are things I would never do! Yugi, you dirty thing you.' Shaking his head, Bakura grabbed a Dark Magician plushie from the boy's bedside table and spent the next five minutes pulling off the switch. Finally the thief stood beside Yugi's bed, not in it, and left the room, leaving the plushie to suffer the telling of Yugi's fantasies.

"Good grief, and I thought Devlin was bad," Bakura muttered, slinking downstairs to the tree and presents. "The mutt's been showing him way too many magazines." Still muttering under his breath, Bakura made quick work of the presents and left out of the front door this time. His ears had suffered enough as it was.

Marik looked up from his manga as Bakura climbed onto the roof from a nearby tree, grunting. "Uh…didn't you-"

"Never mind," snapped Bakura. "For the sake of any innocence you have left, trust me, you don't want to know." Raising an eyebrow, Marik shrugged as Bakura flew to Joey's place.

Ten minutes later…

"Marik I am telling you right now, put down the manga!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO" Marik wailed, dancing away from Bakura, who had spent the last ten minutes listening to Marik's squeals and comments about his comic and was quite sick of it.

"You can read it later, give it!" snapped Bakura, now thoroughly regretting his decision to give the book to Marik.

"Never!" This continued for a while before inspiration struck the tanned yami. Smirking, he concentrated as the Millennium Rod began to glow. Two seconds later there was a gaping hole right where Bakura was standing.

Giving a girlish scream, Bakura fell through the hole and landed on all fours, his back arched like a cat. Growling, Bakura turned to look up at Marik, who was smirking at him through the hole.

"And you call me girly?"

"You wait Ishtar," snarled Bakura, standing up and shaking a fist. "I'll get you-and your little manga too!"

"Eep!" Clutching his precious book to his chest, Marik backed away from the hole to the Triple S. Sleigh, wondering if there was a security system that would shoot ancient manga hating thieves with marshmallows. He was disappointed to learn there wasn't, so he settled for defending himself with the plastic light saber they had gotten from Duke.

Who knew Dice Boy was a Star Wars fan? Just goes to show kids, you learn something new everyday.

Meanwhile, down in the Wheeler home, Bakura had stuffed every present in what had to be his three hundredth sack and was checking to see if he had missed anything. Seeing nothing, he was about to leave when a small box, wrapped in deep red paper, caught his eye. Smirking, he bent down to retrieve it, only to find it had a ridiculously large bow on it. Said bow was entwined mercilessly with the tree's branches.

"Dang it," muttered Bakura, squatting down to untangle the present. "What idiot puts this large of a bow on such a small gift?" He snorted. "But then again, this is Wheeler I'm talking about. I really should have expected this." But expected or not, Bakura tried for ten minutes to free the present, and only succeeded in making it even more tangled than it already was.

"Curse you!" Grabbing the tree, Bakura lifted it over his head, shaking it in a last desperate attempt. "Unhand that gift you evil plastic rip-off of nature! Unhand it I say! Unhand-"

"Santa Clause?"

Bakura froze at the small, feminine voice, a voice he knew from Battle City. He had been caught by Serenity Wheeler. He dropped the tree, and it luckily obscured the girl's view of him. But she still advanced, speaking softly.

"M-Mr. Santa? What are you doing to our tree?" Bakura bit the end of his hat, which was drooping in front of his face, down to his chin. This was not good. Not good at all. He needed to think, or else he would be caught, and fail, and in failing, would fail to stop the evil snow from continuing to plague the earth. In short, he would fail, and that was bad. But he needed to get the girl away…A light on the tree flicked above Bakura's head, and like an omen, he had an idea.

But you know? That old thief was so smart and so slick…he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.

"What are you doing here!" he screeched, making poor Serenity nearly jump out of her skin. "No one is to see the great Sandie Close at work! I know when you are sleeping, I know when you are awake…why are you awake, girl!" Serenity's eyes started to water as she wailed.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry Santa! I-I didn't know! I just thought I heard a girl scream and-"

"Stop rambling! And I am not a girl! And I have work to do! Now get back to bed and start having visions of sweet and sour chicken! And if you breathe a syllable of this to anyone, you'll get nothing but fat lumps of coal and Spandex for Christmas until you're sixty two! You hear me? SIXTY TWO!" Serenity started crying.

"I'm s-so sorry Santa, I-I d-d-dinn't know! Don't worry about me, I-I won't tell anyone! And Joey sleeps l-listening to the French t-t-tango music, so he never hears anything! I know, we were r-robbed last week and-"

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE! LEAVE OR FACE SANTA'S UNSPEAKABLE GELLATINE WRATH!" screamed Bakura, hopping up and down. Crying, Serenity ran upstairs, still crying out apologies.

…Hey, I never said it was a good lie.

Taking several deep breaths, Bakura wrenched the present out from the tree, pulling out a few branches with it, grabbed the sack and climbed out of the whole via the jump rope they had stolen from some random house. When he emerged into the cold night air, he saw Marik staring at him, eyes wide as saucers and jaw dropped to the snow covered floor. Bakura sweat dropped, scratching his cheek.

"Heh, heh…I take it you heard me?"

"…Bakura. Everyone in Japan heard you."

"Yeah, well, it was the girl's fault anyway. Interrupting a master like she did." Tossing the small gift to Marik, Bakura rose the Triple S. Sleigh into the air and flew over the streets of Domino, trying to return his breathing back to normal. Marik stared at his friend before shaking his head sadly.

"Bakura. I have a confession to make."

"What's that?"

"My brain isn't lost in the Shadow Realm. It kidnapped yours and is holding it hostage for beef jerky. Your sanity tried to save it, but was lost in the battle."

Bakura twitched and turned to Marik, with an evil grin on his face.

"Oh did it now?"

O.o.O.o.O

In the dead of night, a family of pigeons were enjoying their Christmas dinner: a chipmunk who had been run over by a certain limo earlier that day. While feasting on the road kill, along with a couple left over bird seeds to wash it down, the fowl family heard a scream. Looking up they saw a large object zooming across the sky, something in it screaming something fierce. Mrs. Pigeon gave a reproachful look to Mr. Pigeon.

'Darling go tell those ruffians to keep it down. It's upsetting the children.'

'Yes dear.' Sighing, Mr. Pigeon flew up into the sky and beat his small wings very hard to keep up with the fast moving object. It was then Mr. Pigeon saw something that made him swear right then and there to lay off his Happy Pills.

A very large and very ugly reindeer with a red nose was tied with jump rope to the front of a black sleigh, screaming his head off. The driver, a man in a baggy red suit was laughing maniacally, swerving the sleigh to and fro, occasionally pressing the horn, which would in turn echo his laughter. Mr. Pigeon shook his head and flew next to the reindeer.

'Listen bub. My family and I are trying to enjoy a peaceful Christmas dinner, and your screaming is-'

"I'M GONNA PUKE!" screamed the reindeer.

'Look, I-'

"BAKURA, STOP!"

'Now really, this is-'

"I'LL BE GOOD, I SWEAR! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME AGAIN!"

"No, but that would be one swell consolation prize!"

'That's it! No more Mr. Nice Pigeon!' Rolling up his feathers, Mr. Pigeon flew right over the reindeer's head. 'Now this is going to hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.'

"WHAT? NO! NO! NICE BIRDY-ARGH! BAKURA, THE BIRD JUST USED ME FOR A TOILET!"

"Really? Brilliant!" Mr. Pigeon flew and glared at the baggy Santa, about to give him the same treatment, and stopped when he saw a piece of steak in the Santa's hand.

"It's leftovers!" he called. "And it's all yours if you can do that again!"

Mr. Pigeon smirked.

"BAKURA! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! THE BIRD WOULDN'T-"

Splat.

"HOLY RA, MY EYES! MY EYES!" Bakura laughed as Mr. Pigeon flew over to him, staring into his eyes and beating his wings furiously.

'Payment, up front, now. Or you're next.'

Bakura smirked and tossed him the piece of meat. "Pleasure doing business with you!"

'Likewise.' Smirking, Mr. Pigeon flew away, leaving the insane Santa and the wailing reindeer behind.

'Oh good you're back. Took you long enough,' said Mrs. Pigeon coolly as Mr. Pigeon landed.

'I had to take care of some "business" dear. Bobby, Jane! Dessert!'

'Yay!' And so, the Pigeon family ate their meaty Christmas dinner in peace, content and happy this Christmas Eve.

"MY EYES!"

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CF101: (clutches sides with laughter) You all don't know how fun that was to write! I love the holidays. The next chapter should probably be the last, and at the rate I'm going, should be out before Friday. I hope you enjoyed another fast update.

1. Shojo- Romance and/or fantasy manga.

Review please!