Title: A Torturous Reminder
Chapter 22: Remembrances
Rating: M
Warnings: H/D SLASH, HBP SPOILERS
DISCLAIMER: We do not own Harry Potter! Characters (except those created by us) belong to the amazingly talented J.K. Rowling, WB, and the publishing companies. Don't sue us! We are just bored teenagers having a go at poor Harry and Draco!
Harry walked down the chilly streets of London as he made his way to his new apartment. He wasn't going to go back to the apartment Oliver and he had shared, nor was he going to even pick up his things from there. No, it was better this way. Just try and start things over, that was his plan. He was going to forget what had happened, try to forget death eaters, Alex, and Draco.
As he got to his apartment and opened the door, he shook his head. It was going to be insane to try and forget Draco. It had been one week since the last time he had seen him and, hard as he tried, Draco kept occupying his mind, and his dreams.
He walked past all the boxes he had and went to his bedroom and lay down, keeping his gaze to the ceiling.
He was alone again.
Maybe he just had to resign himself; he was never going to be with anyone. Maybe he was meant to be alone. Apparently so, since nothing seemed to work out for him.
As he closed his eyes, he unconsciously drew his arm to the other side of the bed. Empty, of course. If Draco couldn't be with him, then so be it. He wouldn't be able to be with anyone else.
xxxxx
Harry sighed and knocked the door of Ron and Hermione's apartment. He had promised he would visit them as soon as he got back from the states, but even now, two weeks after his arrival, he didn't really want to see his friends.
"Harry!" exclaimed Hermione when she opened the door and saw her best friend, "Come in, come in! You're right on time, dinner is almost ready! Ron is in the kitchen, I swear he eats more every day," she continued, happily going to the kitchen with Harry in tow.
"Ronald! Hands off that chicken, leave it there!"
"Wha…," Ron said, taking his hand away from the platter and looking away guiltily. "Harry! Finally, how's it going mate?" he said, going up to Harry and giving him a hug.
Harry couldn't help but smile as he hugged Ron and then looked into the beaming face of Hermione.
"I'm fine, Ron" he said, trying to sound cheerful, but winced as he noticed Hermione's look directed at him.
"Can I help with anything?" he asked, trying to avoid Hermione asking him anything.
"No, Harry, don't worry about it!" said Hermione, setting down plates on the table, "So when did you get back?" she asked.
'Damn it, she always knows what to ask,' Harry thought, "Two weeks ago," he said, looking away from Hermione's eyes.
"Two weeks ago! Harry why didn't you come see us sooner. You know we missed you," said Ron, sitting down and fixing himself a plate, "So what's up with you, Harry?" asked Ron, as he set down the plate and looked at Harry.
'Great, now Ron's noticed, am I that noticeable?' he thought frantically, trying to make up an excuse.
"Uhh… I was busy, you know work and…stuff," he said quickly, putting food on his own plate.
"Harry, I know you quit your job," said Hermione.
Harry swallowed thickly, "Well…"
"Which by the way, they want to know why…"
"Yea, I know, I'm going to go talk to them."
"You never went, don't be surprised if they show up at your door," said Ron laughing slightly, "you know how they are…the bastards."
"Yes, I know how they are," said Harry quietly, looking down and eating his food in silence.
Hermione threw looks at him all throughout dinner, and even Ron seemed confused at Harry's silence.
"Thanks, Hermione, dinner was lovely," said Harry as he got up from the table and began cleaning up.
"Oh, no problem, Harry, but don't worry about cleaning. It's OK, I'll do it later."
"Hey come into the living room, Harry," said Ron.
'Damn' thought Harry, who had been planning to leave immediately.
He grudgingly followed Ron and Hermione into the living room and sat down as far as he could from them.
He smiled lightly, and looked at his friends. He knew he was in for it.
"So Harry…how did it go over there?"
"Good…death eaters were killed, Lucius captured, couldn't be better," he said dryly.
"And that person you met? Ron told me that you had a special someone…" said Hermione smiling at him.
Harry tensed and looked away from Hermione's eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said quietly.
"But… what happened?" asked Ron worriedly.
"I said I don't want to talk about it, Ron" snapped Harry.
Ron and Hermione sat in stunned silence, looking warily at Harry.
"Sorry, guys, but I don't want to talk about it…I…I can't…"he said hastily, standing up. "Thank you for the food, I'll keep in touch," said Harry.
"Harry…wait!" exclaimed Hermione, but it was effortless. Harry had disapparated.
"Fuck!" yelled Harry as he got to his apartment. He sat down on the couch and tried to calm himself. Hermione would now be on his case for his attitude, and, if he knew better, he was going to have to do something about it before she drove him insane.
He closed his eyes but all that came was an image of grey eyes staring back at him, staring at him with such intensity…that it almost seemed real.
"No…" he said as he placed his hands on his face, "I can't think about this… no more…no more…"
He got up and was heading to go to sleep when he stopped by the mirror. His reflection stared back at him. No wonder Hermione and even Ron had caught on fast. He looked horrible. His hair was messier than usual, and it seemed like he had lost weight. Bags were under his eyes, and he hadn't even bothered to dress nicely. Dull eyes stared back at him, and, as he looked into the mirror and himself, his mask dropped. All the anguish and pain stared back at him, taunting him. Taunting him for being weak, taunting him for letting it go so far, and taunting him for letting himself love.
With a painful cry, he clenched his fist and broke the mirror with a sickening crack. He breathed deeply as he stared at the shattered pieces of glass, his reflection staring abstractly at him. He brought his fist to his eyes and noticed the blood running freely. He dropped his hand and let the blood run down his hand and into the floor as he continued staring at the mirror.
His broken illusions.
He had to move on, no matter how much it hurt. He had to do it now or else he never would. It was done. Definitely no more.
xxxxx
He woke up to the sound of tapping on his window. He groaned as he turned tiredly on his bed.
"Damn owl, I'm going," he said annoyed, as he got up from his bed and opened the window to let the owl in.
Harry cursed as he saw the envelope carrying the ministry seal and tore it away, revealing its contents.
His eyes narrowed as he read down and then threw it across his room with a snarl.
So they wanted an explanation?
They were going to get it.
He took a quick shower, and even dressed nicely. He bit his lip as he realized what he had chosen to wear were the clothes Draco had picked out for him. But he had to ignore it, it was for the best. He picked up his keys and wallet and apparated to the ministry.
He entered the lift and ignored the looks he was getting - all he wanted was to get everything done.
He got out on his floor and went down the hall into Kingsley's office.
He was about to knock when the door opened for him.
"Harry! What's this I hear about you quitting?"
Harry glared at him and without giving him an answer went inside the office. Kingsley closed the door and went to his desk, sitting down and staring at Harry expectedly.
"Well?"
"Well, you heard correctly, I quit," said Harry coldly.
"But why!"
"I have seen how this place is run and how missions are planned. I don't see the planning fit for me to work here."
Kingsley raised an eyebrow, "Harry, we have top aurors and experts dealing with this…surely…"
"Surely they know what they are doing?" Harry hissed, still standing.
"Harry sit down…"
"No, I came here to make it short, I don't wish to chat with you."
"We can work something out…"
"No we can't" snarled Harry, "Here's what I think about this department and the ministry…its corrupt and unfortunately it can't get out of old prejudices. The staff just can't get its head out of its ass to see things as they should be."
"What do you mean?"
Harry laughed and looked directly into Kingsley's eyes, "Sending those you think should be dead into danger…doesn't that ring a bell!"
"Harry…our plans are well thought off…does this have to do with Mr. Malfoy?"
"As a matter of fact it does," said Harry in a bitter tone, "Here," he said, thrusting a letter at Kingsley, "my official letter of resignation."
Kingsley looked at him in shock, he couldn't believe that his best auror was leaving him and all for…
"Harry, don't resign for a petty thing…"
"I don't recall ruining lives petty," said Harry, before turning around and storming out of the office, leaving a very confused Kingsley behind.
He was about to go back to his apartment when he thought the better of it, and decided to to go to Diagon Alley to buy some things for his new apartment. He didn't want to be out in public much and since he was already out, he might as well make the most of it.
He walked down the busy streets, occasionally stopping to see items in the shop windows.
He shivered and groaned as it started to drizzle. 'Just great' he thought as he hurried to go inside a store.
Suddenly, he bumped into someone and looked up to say he was sorry when his eyes went wide.
"Harry!"
"O-Oliver," he said surprised.
"How have you been, Harry?"
"Fine," he mumbled, cursing himself for coming to Diagon Alley.
"Shit, it's cold, isn't it? Want a cup of coffee? You know, to warm up or something…get out of this horrid weather?"
"Um…"said Harry, fidgeting, he really had to get out of the street. Suddenly the idea of a hot cup of coffee took his fancy, "Sure."
"Great!" said Oliver beaming, and, placing his hand on Harry's back, led him into a coffee shop.
They sat down and after the waitress took their orders, Oliver became serious.
"Listen…Harry…that thing…after you left. With the new boyfriend and all…"
"Yea, how is he by the way?"
"We broke up."
"Oh?" said Harry, looking expectantly at Oliver.
"I never liked him."
"It seemed otherwise in the interviews you gave…"
"So you saw the interviews!" exclaimed Oliver, a bit too gleefully.
Harry nodded slowly, and looked confusedly at Oliver.
"Well…you see…I did it because," Oliver said, shifting in his seat.
"I wanted to make you jealous."
Harry almost sputtered his coffee, and he set down his mug, "What!"
"Well, you left me! I really do still like you…so much…you know I love you, Harry, and that won't change," he said softly.
Harry raised his eyebrows, this could not be happening….
"I thought that if you saw me with another guy…you would get jealous and return to me!" exclaimed Oliver taking Harry's hand, "I wouldn't do it to hurt you, Harry."
'So Oliver had done it to make him jealous?' thought Harry, did he go through all that pain after Oliver and him had broken up for nothing?
"I…"
"I understand if you don't want to start things where we left off…but give me a chance to make it up for you, give me a chance to show you how much I love you."
Harry looked at Oliver, his thoughts running wildly. He had lost his feelings for Oliver, he didn't have any left, did he? He had….an image of Draco sprang into his mind, smiling at him, telling him how much he loved him…
"Please Harry?" Oliver said, leaning closer to Harry and ghosting his lips over his.
"I…we'll take things slow," he said quietly, not even believing he had said those words. Yet, he had to do it, had to forget Draco, no matter what it took. He had to.
"Great! Harry, you have made me so happy…" said Oliver, leaning back into his seat and grinning at him.
Harry sighed deeply and forcibly grinned back.
xxxxx
Draco rolled his eyes at the man that was going through his things. 'What is this? Some new way to get to know me better?' he thought as he saw the man jump from drawer to drawer almost with ecstatic glee.
"Oh, how beautiful," the man said in a flamboyant tone.
'How did I ever get stuck with this one…,' Draco thought when he rummaged over the body belonging to the voice. 'Oh, that's why… well, he better not disappoint me,' thought Draco. He put his wine glass down and stood up from his bed, going over slowly to the man with his back turned to him.
"Are you done?" Draco asked, pressing himself against the man and encircling his waist from behind.
"Almost, just one more drawer to go!" the man said. "I just absolutely love clothes. You know, clothes define people," he said and began rambling on how exactly it happened.
Draco rolled his eyes and stepped away from the man. He leaned against his drawers and looked down at what the man was looking through. 'My pants! Why the fuck does he have to go through my pants! I'm never even going to bloody see him again! Is this what I have to pay for a good time?' he thought, closing his eyes slightly and sighing when he heard a joyful squeal. Opening his eyes, he noticed what it was that had suddenly made the man overjoyed with happiness.
"Ooh," the man murmured as he placed two silver trinkets on his hand. "How beautiful. Is one meant for me?" he asked, picking them both up and displaying them to Draco.
Draco looked at them, shocked. He had forgotten about those bracelets. He grabbed them rather harshly from the other man and looked at them closer. "No, they're for someone else," he said without thinking. 'Wait… who were they for then?' he thought to himself as he tried to derive the purpose of their purchase. All he could remember was buying them in California. He had been really mad… and had… a fight with someone? He remembered placing them in his pocket and the sight of… unruly hair… walking away from him? 'Unruly hair…' he thought when he was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts.
"Fine, if they're for someone else then I guess I should leave then," the man said and tried to make an elaborate exit as he made his way to the door. "I'm warning you, I'm never coming back," he said, yelling from the door before opening it and slamming it shut after several seconds. He had apparently thought that Draco was going to go after him.
'Fat chance,' thought Draco as he continued surveying the necklaces. He winced slightly at having had every single article of clothing of his touched by that man, but the bracelets before him were slowly drawing him into a stupor.
A wave of nostalgia suddenly came over him and he wondered slightly. Why couldn't he remember the purpose of these bracelets! He never bought anything just to buy it… there was a purpose behind every purchase… and these had obviously been bought as a gift to someone else, but he couldn't quite place it.
After the kiss he had tentatively given Harry, or whatever his name had been, different feelings had began to rise in him and even dreams contained him. Each one had been different, and most had been set at Hogwarts. But Harry had never been to Hogwarts, much less had never met him. Nonetheless, these new dreams had left him confused and wondering exactly what role Harry perhaps had played in his life.
Sure, he had been hurt by the kiss, and had afterwards needed reconciliation. The only thing different, is that this time he had felt dirty after that night, had felt like he was betraying someone and had decided no clubs for a while might be good after all. After three weeks though, and after reoccurring dreams of Harry, which he didn't really remember afterwards, he decided it was time to give life another chance. He couldn't mope around after one denied kiss, now could he? After all, he was Draco Malfoy.
He shook his head, silvery hair flowing with grace and following his every movements. He needed sleep. He needed to rest and to close his eyes. He felt like something was about to pop open in his mind, like something wanted to reveal itself, but it couldn't. 'Nothing's wrong with me,' he thought as he placed the bracelets by his bedside table and grabbed some pajamas. 'I'm perfectly fine. That green-eyed freak did nothing to me and plus, I'll probably never see him again,' he thought, feeling something hollow in his stomach as he muttered these words. He entered the shower, all the time trying to soothe and calm himself with those words, but unable to.
He lay in his bed, mumbling into his pillow. He was trying to fall asleep but the thought of Harry kept on coming back. It had been four weeks! Four weeks! And here he was, his mind apparently obsessed with that man! He tried to tell himself that he was probably off with someone else, that Harry had probably already forgotten about him and was running around, somewhere, probably having the time of his life, while he, unable to shake his thoughts away from Harry, wasn't able to touch anyone without feeling a sense of betrayal. And to who! A man he didn't even know and that kept on edging his way in his dreams!
After the kiss he had felt a feeling rise up in him, a feeling of dislike for having been rejected in such a manner, a feeling of intense dislike that he didn't know he could harness for someone he barely knew. He had harbored this feeling throughout the night, even as he lay with another man, and had woken up from a dream where he had apparently felt the same dislike towards the same person, but in a different setting. He had tried to push it out of his mind, it had felt right, it felt like it had happened, but it hadn't. Reason and logic had a say, and they denied that Harry had ever existed in his past.
Then again, after about two weeks of the same intense feeling of dislike, it had changed. He was feeling something akin to love for that man… boy in his dreams, still. But how could he feel love! He had never felt love towards another being, never. It felt odd… and foreign to him. And the man with the green-eyes had brought it all up. Never. He tried reasoning continuously with himself and knew he was becoming disheveled. Even Mr. Bradford, who generally made it a point not to notice these things, had asked if he was alright. All Draco could do was nod in bewilderment and continue on with trying to reason all of this.
On the second week he had reverted to the method of not sleeping, but that had just made it worse and had placed him in a foul mood. He had ended up with a headache that would not go away and eventually slept again.
By the third week, he had given in to the dreams. It wasn't that they were unpleasant, its just that they were producing feelings in him that he couldn't explain, mainly because the only thing that he remembered afterwards were the feelings and that somehow, Harry was involved in this.
Now it was the fourth week that this had all occurred, but the first time something outside his dreams had produced something like this. It was almost like a memory that had been carved over, like a memory that had been placed in the innermost crevices of his brain until it could come out. Like a memory that had tape over it and was waiting for someone, or something, to peel it off.
He curled up in his bed, feeling extremely alone, not a new feeling as he had begun feeling alone ever since that first dream, but nonetheless, still a bad feeling. He shrugged it off though and immediately fell into a deep, complacent sleep.
xxxxx
Draco woke up with a start the next day, sweat forming on his brow. He was incredibly furious, ashamed, sad, and a mix of other feelings he didn't want to distinguish at the moment. He grabbed some clothes and stepped in to take a quick shower before apparating himself to the ministry.
"Yes, Mr. Malfoy. Is there anything I can do for you?" Mr. Bradford said, looking up expectantly at the young man before him.
"Yes, there is," Draco said, his voice edged and trying with much effort to control it. "There seems to be something that has made itself aware to me and I'm wondering… why the bloody hell… no one told me… about Harry!" Draco said, his voice growing louder as the sentence continued.
"Why the fuck did everyone just keep quiet! Didn't anyone know I had been placed under a curse! Why didn't someone try to find the countercurse! Why did no one tell me of the bloody situation! Why did you all let me go along, for a WHOLE FUCKING MONTH, PRETENDING LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH ME!" he said, yelling now.
Mr. Bradford looked up at the bewildered man in front of him, the grey eyes that seemed to be glazed over with anger and the brows that were furrowed together. His blonde hair was still wet and hung down, throwing tiny droplets of water whenever Draco shook, but apparently Draco didn't care. His mouth was drawn tightly, possibly trying to control and push back what he might continue to say, and he was looking with a dangerous, if not murderous, glare at Mr. Bradford.
"Yes, well, it was Mr. Potter's request that we not tell you. He believed that you would be better off not being told, and he decided to leave, to let you start your life anew," Mr. Bradford said, watching the reactions of the young man before him.
"Mr. Potter! Since when do you ask other people before you do things! I don't remember you asking me if you could use me as bait before sending me out into that forest and possibly my death! Why would it matter now whether Harry had a say in this or not!"
"Because, the memories had to do with him," Mr. Bradford simply said.
"So what! They were my memories in the first place! I had to wait four weeks full of fucking dreams to remember, I had to wait until last night, had to wait until I saw those bloody bracelets, to have my memory trigger back to its normal self!"
Mr. Bradford nodded, infuriating Draco even more. "It's possible that the curse became less once Lucius's soul was taken away. We think Alex might have helped Lucius place that on you…and since he is dead, and Lucius can be considered dead... obviously it wasn't as strong as it could have been, and so a trigger like that… yes…"
Draco glared at the man and placed his hand on the desk. "I bloody resign," he said, his voice even and deadly. "I will not be a part of this any longer. Any of this. You don't know how to fucking control the situation. It's all lies and games with you people. Finish the mission at the cost of anyone, but don't think it thoroughly, oh no. I will not be a part of this any longer," Draco said before disapparating from the room with a small pop, leaving Mr. Bradford in the midst of a mess similar to one that had been created four weeks ago.
Mr. Bradford sighed. His best auror was now gone, as apparently was London's best auror. They deserved their rest and peace, especially Mr. Potter who had gone through so much, but he couldn't help but feel a tinge of regret that he had lost a most useful person.
Draco began throwing things into a suitcase, mainly only the necessary. He wasn't sure how long it was going to take him, but he didn't care. He was going to go after Harry, he needed Harry. He had been left alone for four weeks to muse over the empty void he had been feeling all along, and now he knew that only Harry could feel it.
He couldn't help but feel anger slowly rising, though, at the thought of Harry not wanting to reveal any information to him. And then that kiss! 'That bloody kiss,' thought Draco, 'why the fuck did he pull away!' He glared at the things he was packing away, trying to control his anger by concentrating on what he was doing. In no point of view could Draco justify Harry rejecting his kiss! And they could have restarted! He didn't understand how Harry could think that Draco would have gotten on better without him.
First, he was going to go after Harry though. He didn't know how, he didn't know what to do, but he was getting to Harry. 'Harry, you bloody bastard, I love you. I fucking love you, and I don't know how it was that you could easily throw it away and leave me, but I can't do the same and I deserve at least an explanation,' he thought as the unsettling feeling that Harry perhaps did not love him began to come into his mind.
After all, why else would Harry have been able to leave him like that? 'Because it was the bloody noble Gryffindor way of doing things,' he thought, but he still couldn't shake that feeling away. No matter, though. He was going to see Harry, then everything would be answered. "Harry," he mumbled quietly, before apparating himself over to Diagon Alley.
A/N: There's another chapter done! One more to go! What's going to happen! Will Harry still be with Oliver by this time! Will old feelings have resurfaced between them! Will Draco be able to win Harry back easily! Or will Draco end up with a crushed Heart! Or is Harry there at all! Could Harry have perhaps… possibly… died! Will Draco perform suicide after Harry denies their love! Is there love! A ha ha ha ha! Ok, anyways… not sure. There's a lot of outcomes… wow. Heh, hadn't thought about all of those possibilities. Anyways, thanks to all who reviewed! Again, we love you. We especially love reading the reviews and the quirky things some of you guys have to say, along with the praise that continues to inspire our writing! It's so beautiful tear. Well, hope this chapter went okay… gasp the end's almost here… wow. Enjoy and Review! Tell us your concerns, comments, and anything else you may like to share.