"The Return Trip"
From Dubrovik we go to Zagreb. On the way I tell her about the time my friends and I hit a goat during a medical school road trip and tried to resuscitate it. She laughs but she looks at me like I'm crazy, or maybe just not quite whom she thought she married.
We arrive at my father's apartment. Tata managed to get his place presentable which is more of a miracle then she knows. Still it's strange to be there with Abby. Especially weird is that we'll be sleeping in my father's bed which I tell her. I tell her that cramped and anxious trysts in my small bed are what I remember. Then it happens. It just comes out. I don't even think about it. I'm just talking, and I find I'm talking about Danijela. Not just anything about her, but about us in bed fooling around before we were married. How she always knew where to draw the line. I'm down the road before I know I've started. When I realize what I've done, I get nervous. I'm not really sure where to take it. I'm trying to gauge it by her. She doesn't break our gaze, although I do. I know she's doing this for me. And then I know its time to tell her.
"She's gone," still she doesn't get it so I spell it out.
"No, I mean-gone. I can't feel her here," I can see the tears in her eyes, but mine are dry.
"No ghosts, Abby, no ghosts."
We look at each other for a long moment.
I dry her tears with my thumbs. She wraps her arms around me and presses her face into my chest. My arms go around her and we hang on tight for a long time. I don't remember how long we stood there locked together. But I do remember that on that particular occasion, we didn't make it to Tata's bed, and cramped and anxious had nothing to do with it.
Last time I was here I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and how to go on. I made a lot of progress. It was that progress that made being with Abby again possible. When I first came to Chicago, I thought if I could just keep the cold water turned off, keep the thoughts out of my head, that I would be okay. But I couldn't keep up the flow of hot water, the pipes burst so to speak with the mugging. When that happened there was a deluge of despair, and it took me a long time to get out from under. I had something horrific happen in my life, and that will always be a part of me. But it doesn't have to define me. I don't have to make it the center of my life. I can't pretend that they weren't part of my life. I don't want to pretend with Abby. And somehow, now I feel I won't have to ; Dani and Abby have made their peace too.
I show Abby around Zagreb, the places that are important to me, the ocean, tell her stories, fill in the gaps. I hope someday, she'll do the same for me.
When the time comes to leave it feels okay, I know the next time we come, we'll bring the baby. It will be good for Ivica, it will be good for all of us. Besides, I don't want our child to think only half of their family is crazy.
When we get home, I can see how exhausted and out of sorts she is. She tells me she's fine, but I know better. So I run her a bath and bring her tea in bed. Last time we were together, in the beginning at least, I didn't pay enough attention. I heard her words, well most of them, but I didn't listen for the tone of her voice, the look in her eye, catch her gestures. I didn't try to understand her. When someone has a childhood like hers, trust isn't instinctual you have to earn it. I didn't. If she couldn't trust me with the little stuff like taking a break at work when she needed to talk, sitting with her after she'd been hurt, telling her I'd miss being with her when she went out with Carter, things like that. How could she trust me with the big stuff like her addiction, her mother, her future? By the time I was paying attention it was too late, she didn't trust me. Didn't trust my motives anyway. But I'm here now, and so is she and in the end that's all there is.