"No Place Like Home"

She falls asleep almost immediately. I'm tired, but sleep isn't what I want. I felt okay about leaving home. Actually it felt good to finally have something worth coming back to, it's been too long since that was the case. But now, being back in Chicago, I feel like Adam . . . . shut out of paradise.

I start to unpack and throw things in the washing machine. It reminds me of the last conversation I had with Damir before we left them.

He cornered me while Tatijana was busy foisting flowered maternity dresses on Abby who tried to look enthusiastic, but I know we've got a Goodwill trip lined up when we get home.

"So are you really ready?"


"The bags are all packed."

"That's not what I meant."


"I know." He's worried this is moving too fast.

"This might not be easy." Damir is frowning.


"I know." Considering all we've been through to get this far, I can't imagine anything pulling us apart now. But I do wonder what it will be like for me to be a father again, for Abby to be a mother.

"Luka .. . "


"Damir, it's not going to be easy, but its better then the alternative."

" The alternative?"

"You know, hiding, settling, whatever you can think of, nothing good."

He's nodding but he asks "You're sure?"

"Absolutely."

He punches me in the arm and grins.

"Da?"

I return the favor.

"Da"

So there it is, my family's questions answered, my own, well are our own questions really ever answered?

I drive to the market to pick up the usual, milk, eggs, butter, I don't know what else. Somehow I feel older being back in Chicago. The weight I feel makes me think of our last day at work. She'd decided to tell Carter about the baby.

I'm looking at a chest film in the hall when he comes up to me.

"She's pregnant"

"Who? Curtain 2?"

"No, Abby"

"Yeah, I heard that too." He's got that look on his face like someone just rammed a stick up his ass, and I know what it means.


I start walking and he follows.

"It hasn't been that long since the relapse."


"Long enough, Carter." My tone is terse. I thought we were past this kind of crap I really did.

He lowers his voice and pulls me into an empty room "She's an alcoholic"

"That's not all she is".

"Jesus, Luka I know that, but this is more complicated then that and you know it"

"That's the point, I know that." I'm starting to lose my temper, but think better of it and take a deep breath.

"I don't want to give you the impression I'm going to make a habit of this, because if you think I'm going to justify my life with Abby to you then you are mistaken. But I know that you're concerned for her, so I'll tell you that neither one of us is going into this blind."

"What if, what if . . .something goes wrong?"

"So, what is she supposed to do Carter, give up on everything she wants in life because it might not work out, is that what you want for her? Because it's not what I want for her."


"No of course not, its just well, I don't want to see her . . . .hurt"

I know what he's afraid will happen, problems with the baby now . . . .or later and the chance of another relapse.

"Look, it's her life, her choice. We have choices too, we can be scared for her or happy for her, I know which one I've chosen. You do what you want." And I turn on my heel and leave the room.

I don't know what he said to her after that, but I do know he gave her a helluva lot of emesis basins and he sent me a box of Havanas with " Reserved for JT Carter" carefully printed over the biggest one. I can guess what he chose in the end.

When I wake up, she's not there. It feels strange. It seems like a long time since I've woken up alone. I'm surprised by how late I've slept, and I'm surprised that I miss her already. I find her sitting in the garden watching the laundry move in the breeze. Abby's watching the laundry, what the hell?

I bend down to kiss the top of her head and surprise her, and then I sit down to watch the show with her. She tells me laundry on the line takes her back to her grandmother. It's nice to hear.

I know that she planned to call her mother when we got home so I ask "Maggie?"

She's coming for a visit. I'm glad that Abby's making room for her mother in our lives. Although, I have to struggle to quell the little knot of fear in my belly, not fear for myself, fear for Abby. She's been hurt before. I don't want to see her disappointed again.

But like I told Carter, there's really only two choices, and I already know mine. So I put my arm around her, watch the laundry moving in the breeze and "Let it wait."