I hide my eyes from the world whenever I leave the sanctity of my bathroom.
I don't know why.
Yes, I do know why: I chose to take this mask, and this mask is now my burden that I must bear. Even if I'm not wearing its physical counterpart, its emotional weight still rests upon my heart, forcing it into hiding. I try to let it escape, I truly do---but most of the time I just end up pushing it down further. Take my reactions to Starfire, for example. I like her; there's no denying that. But when she is in my presence, it's like I can't think straight. She enters a room, and my thoughts stop immediately. When I'm around her, I almost forget myself.
I almost forget the mask.
Soon enough, however, it comes crashing back down to Earth with a force unmeasured by anything in the universe, even Starfire's fierce hugs. When it does, I am forced to hide my feelings behind the mask and become the leader of the Teen Titans.
Beast Boy told me something interesting this morning. He said, "Robin, dude, you really need a vacation." It's surprisingly perceptive of him to realize that, actually.
No, that's mean. I shouldn't think that. Beast Boy is smart; he just doesn't use his brain in the way I'd like him to use it.
But back to the matter at hand: Beast Boy was right. I do need a vacation. I need to get away from all of the hustle and bustle of Jump City---of being Robin, the leader of the Teen Titans.
I need to be myself.
But how can I be myself? I don't feel right without the mask on my face or some sort of uniform. Maybe I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or something.
Eh, who am I kidding? I know I have OCD. I show all the signs. I bet Raven would diagnose me in half a second if I asked her to do so.
Speaking of Raven,---or thinking, in this case---she's probably one of the weirdest entities I've ever had the pleasure of meeting on this planet. I admit that I'm a little jealous of her. How can she keep all of her emotions in check without going insane? I don't even have any magical powers, and it's hard enough for me to do it. Then again, one might say that Raven is enslaved by her emotions. She can't allow herself to feel for very long; and when she does, her powers go psycho on her.
Perhaps she needs a vacation, too.
We've all got our problems here at the Tower, but we try not to let them show. Beast Boy hides it by trying to be funny; which, although Raven refuses to admit it, he is. Beast Boy is rambunctious and energetic, always full of life. So full of life, in fact, that he refuses to consume anything of which he can transform into. I really admire that about Beast Boy. He sticks to his morals, never eating meat (Well, except that one time. But he wasn't himself.) and always trying to convince us that his tofu is actually palatable (which it isn't). Even when Raven glares at him, he forges ahead with his jokes. He may be annoying sometimes, but Beast Boy is one of a kind that I would never, ever wish to discard in a poker game.
Cyborg's got a good poker face. Seriously. Have you ever tried to beat him at poker? He's ridiculously good. Maybe it's because of his wiring or something.
Yeah, I know, I'm trying to soothe my ego by blaming my poor poker skills on the very method by which Cyborg operates. I have to save my ego somehow.
Singing is fun. Yeah, I know, I'm jumping subjects. But this is Jump City, you know.
Okay, that was lamer than Beast Boy. Maybe I should ask him for some tips.
Wait.
Did I just think that?
Of course not. I'd never think anything like that. Initiate memory deletion sequence immediately.
Anyway, what was I talking---no, thinking---about? Oh yeah, singing. I'm a good singer. No, really, I am. I just can't do it in front of other people. I get nervous. Yeah, I'll admit it: I get nervous. I mean, it's not very manly for me to start breaking into song in the middle of a fight, now is it? It's kind of funny, actually, that I sing my best when I'm all alone, in the shower. Maybe it's because I don't have the mask on when I'm showering. In any case, I think I sound pretty good in the shower. Then again, doesn't everybody?
The one person that never lies to himself is Cyborg. How can he, after all, with all those machines piloting his body? Even if his human side wants to think something is true, his censors will tell him immediately that it's a lie. It's probably why he won't date anybody, because his censors are telling him that he and she aren't compatible.
Which is ridiculous, really. Who would ever think an alien princess and the Boy Blunder---as Raven so lovingly refers to me--- would work together?
Well, me, for one. Hopefully Starfire, too.
Maybe I'll ask Cyborg if his computers think I'm compatible with her. Then again, there are some things that even computers can't figure out.
Like Raven, for instance. Sometimes I just don't get her. I truly think she hates her emotions because she has to control them constantly. Thus, if she hates her emotions, she hates herself. That's a sad existence.
When we were defeating Trigon, I liked the innocent Raven that I had met. A Raven who didn't have to worry about her emotions. A Raven who let them all shine through on her shirtsleeve. Er, cloaksleeve. Whatever. The point and case is that I liked that Raven.
I know Starfire goes with her to meditate sometimes. Maybe I'll ask Raven if she wouldn't mind teaching me how to that, too. It'd probably help me in the long run.
It's been two hours since I've laid down on this bed to go to sleep. It always does take me forever, because my thoughts keep stirring themselves up redundantly. I've probably thought all of this stuff a hundred times, yet this insomnia still persists. I can't figure out why, but I imagine it's all part of being Robin.
There are sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I've promised myself that I'll never take them. Many times, my thoughts turn to them, but I steer them away from the whirlpool of doom that awaits me on that voyage. The seal hasn't even been broken on them yet, and I don't plan on ever letting that happen. Sometimes I wonder why I keep them in the first place.
I never have come up with an answer. Part of me wants to be resourceful; someday, someone might need them to stay alive for some odd reason that I can't come up with at the moment.
Sometimes I think that I'd never have any problems getting to sleep if Starfire were lying next to me on this bed. Just lying here, her beautiful irises staring into my own, a contented smile on her face, her luxurious tresses tickling my nose...
You know, this pillow is beginning to seem rather comfortable now. I think...
I think I can sleep now.
Good…good night, Starfire.