Risky Business

A few days later we're having breakfast in the kitchen. We've got the day off and the plan is to finish off the baby's room. I'm reading the paper and she's sipping her tea when she says

"I'm thinking of inviting Deb and Carter over for dinner tomorrow, you know to finally thank them for the wedding lunch. What do you think?"


"Okay"

"You don't mind?"

"No, why?"

"Sometimes I don't know if you really like him." She's stirring her tea idly as she says this, avoiding my gaze.

" I like him, I just don't have that much in common with him other than you." I put my paper down.

"Does that bother you?"

"What?"

"Carter and . . .me does that bother you?"

She's still looking down and I sense one of those damned if I do/damned if I don't moments coming on. I'm not a complete idiot. I take the hand she has on the table.

"I'm glad he's your friend. I'm not glad he was your lover, if that's what you're asking."

"Did I just do that?" Her eyes get wide in alarm, and she meets my eye.

"What?"

"Try to get you to tell me you were jealous of Carter?"

"I think maybe you did." We're both smiling now.

"I can't believe I did that." She shakes her head, incredulous.

"Do you want me to be jealous? Cause you know if you want I'll challenge him to another duel."

"Oh, God, no."

"Good, then why don't you just invite him to dinner, and I'll try not to jab him with my steak knife." She laughs at this.

"Thanks, I don't think I'll be able to keep a straight face during dinner."

"Ah, good, it will be our private joke, and you're not allowed to tell him."

"Tell him you threatened him with the cutlery? Not in this life, and I think I'll cook pasta, safer that way."

That night we hold hands across the expanse of pillows. I'm thinking about our conversation about Carter, and I realize I wasn't really honest with her. And maybe she needs to hear that, maybe she needs it more than I thought.

"Abby?"

"Yes?"

"I was jealous."


"What?"

"When you were . . . .with Carter, I hated it. But I let it go a long time ago. I mean I think it had to happen in some ways. You had to know. Better for me that you don't wonder."

"I don't"

"I know. . .. .But just so we're clear. Carter can't have you."

"I know."

She squeezes my hand more tightly. I understand. I finally get it. She did need to hear it, even if she already knew.

"Luka?"

'Yeah"

"When you said I didn't see you before when we were making love. You weren't wrong, but I don't want you to think . ."

"What?"

"That I saw someone else."

"Oh." Thank God. She turns toward me we lie facing each other, inches apart.

"I always sort of felt that you were. . borrowed . . that we were temporary. It was hard for me to . . .be there sometimes. I guess I didn't think you noticed that I wasn't all there."

"You didn't think I cared."

"No, not really." I reach out and stroke her face. I was such a fool.

"What did you think you were my bed warmer?"

"At first. Then I thought you were a nice guy who was too polite to run like hell."

"You should have run first."

"I did. Well, I didn't run. I hid instead. I hid with Carter. Then we . . .we weren't too real."

"But now, we are."

"Always"

"Scary huh?"

"You scare the shit out of me."

"Still?"

"Only when I think."

"Don't think . . . ."

"Do?" She smiles now.

"Do." I start to reach for her, but stop myself. "Abby, you understand you're stuck with me now."

"You're non-refundable?"

"I didn't tell you about that?"

"Must have been in the fine print."

"I can show you."

"What?"

"The fine print, but you have to come a little closer"

"Like this?" She moves in so our lips are almost touching.

"More like this . . . . " I surprise her by forgoing her lips for the place on the nape of her neck that always tickles. I love it when she giggles.

So Carter and Jing-mei come for dinner. Abby really does make pasta, which I tease her about before they arrive.

"Aren't you afraid, I'll hang him with the linguine?"

"You really aren't that funny. You know that don't you?"

What? I'm hysterical. I'm really under appreciated in the humor department.

After dinner, Jing-Mei asks to see the nursery and Abby takes her upstairs. Carter passes on the idea, so we go into the living room and drink our coffee.

We make small talk for awhile, then he looks around and says,

"I'm sorry I was such an idiot when I first found out about the baby."
I wave my hand, but he goes on.


"No, I mean it, I . . I was worried about Abby that the stress might be too much you know trigger another relapse, but I think . . .I think. . . it was more then that. It felt weird that it happened so quickly for you two. That she could trust you like that so fast, when we were . . . we were . . .really such a disaster." He chuckles a little uneasily.

"She wasn't ready then Carter. She went through a lot to get to the place to be ready. Life's like that sometimes."

"That and she loves you."

"That helped, but still its more complicated than that." He nods, he seems more relaxed now.

"Tell me this. If Abby and I had married, would you have come to our house for dinner."

I don't say anything right away, although I know the answer in an instant.

"No. Would you have invited me?"

"Hell no. Which I suppose means things worked out for the best." We both chuckle a little.

"Is that what that means?" .

"I think you're a very brave man Luka"


"Why?"


"I don't know for doing this with Abby, for taking the risk . . again . . " He's tentative, almost sorry he said it, I can tell.


"There are risks to not taking risks too"

"I never thought about it like that. Still I think about Deb's labor, and I was just there as a friend. I can't imagine . . . . ."

"The day the baby comes is amazing, I wouldn't miss it . .. . missing it would be too risky."

"Not being there? What's the risk?" his eyebrows go up.


"The risk is it's a moment that you'll never get back, that you can't re-do. The risk is your wife will need you and you won't be there. The risk is you won't find out what you can do.. . . or what you can do together." This is more than I expected to say. Hell, it's more than he expected to hear.

"Most people don't really want to find their limits" he offers.

This is getting too serious, so I lighten the mood.

"Most people aren't married to Abby." He bursts out laughing just in time for Abby and Deb to come in and give us funny looks. Abby eyes me.

I look back. What?

I told you I was funny.

*************************************************************

A couple of days later, we're cozy, relaxing after my shift, and she asks if she can talk to me. She tells me she's decided she wants natural childbirth, no medication, no epidural, no nothing. She wants to feel it all.

"You do know they'll try and talk you out of it." I know enough about birth in America to know this is true.

"Coburn tried already"

"And you might feel a little differently after twelve hours of labor." I saw lots of women give birth naturally in Croatia, even the ones who do usually have a moment of despair.

"I know. That would be your job." She's right if a woman's going to give birth without medication, she's going to need someone to back her all the way. That would be me. I answer simply.

"OK."

"OK?"

She seems surprised, but I tell her its up to her, she's seen enough to know what she wants. She was a labor nurse, she knows what this means.

She asks me if she should arrange back-up, in case I can't be there. Actually, I'm kind of dense and don't get it at first, I think she means if I'm working, but that's not what she's talking about at all. I suppose I've been so sure about this lately that I thought she was too. That's what happens when you assume.

"Wait, you mean you think you should ask someone to be there instead of me? You have anyone in mind? Carter maybe?" It's my turn to be incredulous. I can't believe I just said that. So much for being big about the whole thing, but you know, over my dead body.

She tells me not to be mad, I'm not mad. Okay, I'm a little mad. I just thought we were on the same page with this stuff. That she knew I wanted to do this. She tells me she wants me to feel like I have a choice. I remind her how I assumed what she would feel when my family came for their visit, and that was a big problem. She didn't want me to make assumptions about her limits then, and I tell her she shouldn't do that with me now. I kiss her lightly, to take the frown off her face.

"I can do this Abby, I'm not afraid of it. But if you think it's too big a risk . "

She's quiet for a minute then "I'm all about risk."

"You?" I say in mock surprise.

"I live for risk" she says tossing her head.

"I thought you lived for me." I nudge her gently with my shoulder.

"No, but you're my best risk." She's flirting with me now.

"No, the baby's your best risk"

"No, there would be no baby if it weren't for you, and I don't mean that in the technical sense. I wouldn't have wanted this with anyone else."

"Me either"

"Then we'll take this next risk together?"

:"Yes, and the one that comes after this too."

"What's that?" She looks worried.

"Hell if I know." I'm rewarded with a smile. She's so pretty when she smiles.