"Me Thinks Thou Dost Project Too Much"
Abby and I have been going to childbirth classes. She found one with the focus on pain management techniques since we already know the nitty gritty. I don't mind the class itself, candlelight, music, holding Abby in different positions, massaging her back or hands or wherever . . .it's the closest I'm getting to regular sex these days. But I have to say that at first I hated going. Hated feeling so . . . different. I knew I was the only husband who had to consider the possibility of the birth touching off a slew of terrible memories. The only one who had to bury his two children. The only one who'd had to struggle to get to the place where he knew he could be there for his wife's birth. On the first night when the teacher had us introduce ourselves, Abby said it was "our first". She didn't lie, but of course it wasn't the whole truth. I was glad of it though. We didn't discuss it, but somehow to put it out there, to have opened the door to people asking, it would have been beyond what we could have done. It's not that I'm not used to telling people by now, it's telling those people who are preparing for their first baby who are so excited and wide-eyed that the worst possible thing sometimes happens in life. We couldn't do it, neither of us.
So I suppose it leaves me feeling a bit of a sham. But you know the more classes we go to, the more I begin to understand that while my experience isn't theirs; they all have their own histories, fears, problems. We're not so different. The teacher starts every class by having us go around and say what's new. The mothers complain, the fathers say as little as possible. But last week, Julie started crying because on the sonogram the baby's growing too slowly. They have to go back for more tests. And then there's Jennifer and Steve who missed a class because she had to be on bedrest when she had too many contractions. And they all ask questions about what might go wrong. All anyone wants is a healthy baby. Well, and an easy birth. I'm beginning to think in a strange way I have an edge. I mean, the worst possible thing has already happened to me. Anything short of that I can bear. If at the end of the day they're both alive not much else matters to me. It's oddly freeing.
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It's Abby's last shift till after the baby. The staff gives her a "surprise" shower. I still can't believe the sheer amount of crap they make for babies these days. We're accumulating a truly frightening collection. Carter comes up to us when it's over. Abby's on till twelve but I'm done. He wants to know if I want to grab a burger.
"Sure." I say; then I catch Abby's eyes. She doesn't look pleased.
"What? I'll eat drop the shower stuff off at home and then come pick you up."
"No, it's fine" she looks at Carter. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Carter stares back at her defiantly. I think I'm in for trouble.
So as we eat we talk about work, complain about Romano, the usual. Finally he spills it.
"I know this is none of my business, and I shouldn't stick my nose in. But I'm worried Luka, I have to say something."
"Okay. What are you worried about?"
"Abby told me she's decided on an unmedicated birth."
"Yes. That worries you?" I'm not quite sure what this has to do with Carter.
"It doesn't worry you?"
"Worry me? No. Should it?"
He looks bemused by my ignorance. "You do know what she's doing don't you?"
"What she's doing?" He's got that look again. Holy crap I knew Maggie came with Abby, but Carter? This is getting out of hand.
"Trying to prove she's as good as Danijela, to compete with her."
After all Abby and I have been through I want to burst out laughing, but I don't he's so serious. "Did she tell you that?"
"She denied it, but I think that it's coloring her decision."
I shake my head. "I don't think so".
"Come on Luka, why else would she be so determined to torture herself like that?"
"Plenty of women give birth in the world with medication, I don't think they consider it torture. Maybe she really wants to experience this, she wants to feel herself having her baby."
"I don't understand the point of feeling pain you don't have to. What will it prove?"
"I don't think it proves anything. But if she's trying to prove something it's only to herself." God knows I'd give her an epidural tomorrow if she wanted one.
"I think maybe I understand a little bit more of where Abby's coming from on this. I know what it's like to compete with a ghost. It will make her miserable."
"Carter . . .."
"For years after my brother Bobby died, I tried to make it right for my parents. Tried to fill in for him, I never succeeded. I don't want that for Abby"
Suddenly it hits me. I understand why he and Abby didn't work. He projects so much onto her, he can't see through it to the woman in front of him. It almost makes me feel sorry for him, for them.
"I'm sorry about your brother, but Carter you've got this wrong. You don't need to protect Abby."
"That's what you think I'm doing?"
"I think that's what you've been trying to do for years. Tried to save her from me, from Maggie, from herself. You've got it twisted. Abby's the professional saver. She cut her teeth on it. Let's face it she's saved both our sorry asses. But finally she's learned to save the one person that matters most . . .herself. Don't underestimate her. I did once, never again."
"You think you've got this all figured out?"
"I think this time I'm on the inside and you're not." He looks like I've punched him in the gut. Damn "Sorry. Look Carter maybe I can explain this better. I understand why she wants to do this. I don't know what she's told you, but I had a depressive episode a couple of months ago. I know I could have medicated myself out of it. But I didn't want that. I wanted to climb out of it on my own. It was important to me. I wanted to feel my pain. I wanted to own it. And if Abby wants that, I respect it. Helping her with this, it's the only thing she's ever asked of me that's just for her, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let her down."
"She mentioned this could be rough for you, have you really thought that through? Are you really willing to do this damn the consequences?"
"Damn the consequences to me? Yes. If her pain is my pain, then so be it. But I know that she and I will be the only ones in that room, no ghosts. I spent too much of my life with one foot in the grave. I had to make a choice, and I made it. I chose Abby and the baby. And she knows it."
"And she chose you"
Is that what this is really about? Well let's just take this head on. "Yes. Do you have a problem with that?"
He seems deflated by this . "No, not really. I .. . I don't know. Not in the way you're thinking."
"The way I'm thinking?"
He's quiet for a long moment. "Look I meant everything I said when I came to dinner at your house. But when I got back to my apartment with Jing-Mei that night, it all seemed so .. .empty. . . . so flat. For the first time in a very long time I wanted to trade places with you. No I'm not proud about that. Seeing her pregnant, makes me want to protect her. I suppose, when I look at her sometimes, I wish things had turned out differently. That it was . . . .."
"Your baby?" My mouth feels dry. I try to imagine Abby pregnant with another man's child and me working beside her every day. I couldn't do it. I would have left County. Probably would have left Chicago. I'm beginning to understand Carter's behavior since he found out about the baby. He's actually handling it far better than I would have.
"That it was my life. Maybe not my life with. . .with Abby, but my life with someone. Or maybe it could have been my life with Abby if she'd stopped drinking when I asked. I don't know."
How he can even go there, "Jing-mei?"
"It's not going anywhere, it's not working."
It's my turn to be quiet for a few minutes. "It looks easy huh? Marriages, good marriages they always look so easy from the outside."
"But . . ."
"It's work Carter. It's making the decision every day of your life to do the work. It's not what you think."
"What I think?"
"That you fall in love, live happily ever after. It's not like that, not for Abby and me and it won't be that for you either when it happens. Stop looking for that. Look for someone who makes you want to work as hard as it takes. If you're hanging onto a figment. . .a . . .a . .dream, a ghost then I can tell you as someone well versed in it. It's a mistake. Let it go. Or you'll never be happy, not with anyone."
"The might have been's will kill you?"
"Eat you up inside anyway."
He nods. "So if I had worked harder with Abby . . ." I can't tell if he's joking or serious.
"Not eveything's possible Carter." I deadpan. He doesn't seem to appreciate my joke. Moving on. "Maybe it could have worked maybe not. But does it really matter now? Look you only think you saw Abby and I get married. What we said to each other that day was only the beginning. Whatever problems we have or will have, she's my wife, and she always will be. There are still doubts I live with, but that's not one of them."
"It must be nice to be that sure."
"It is . . .nice. You'll get there too." I search in my mind for the word I want in English, finally it comes, "Triumphant."
"What?"
"That's what she wants to feel Carter. It's what she's seen in those women who have their babies without medication. It's what Dani felt. I don't think she's felt it enough in her life."
"Triumphant?"
"Yes."
He shakes his head almost in disbelief. "You really do understand her don't you?"
"Yes."
"And I've been looking for the wrong things?"
"Possibly."
He sits back for a minute and considers me carefully. "Damn, you're smarter than you look."
When I finally make it back, I find Abby in the locker room surveying the loot. She looks so tired. I pull her into me and she leans her head in, the only two points we connect anymore when we hug are belly and her forehead and hands of course.
"Come on I'm taking you home"
"No, I've got three more hours."
"Nope Kerry sprung you."
"Really"
"Yes, really"
"My back aches." She moans
"You can spend all day tomorrow resting." I rub her back with my hands.
"You were right, I shouldn't have taken any more twelve hour shifts."
I shrug.
"You never say it do you?" She lifts her head to look at me.
"What?"
"I told you so."
"Never." My voice is firmer than I mean it to be.
"Why not?" Her forehead furrows.
"It's a long story, remind me and I'll tell you another time. Let's get you home to bed." It's not the kind of story for the hospital locker room.
As we're driving we talk about getting a Christmas tree I want a big one she's not convinced and then she asks me. "How was dinner?"
"Fine"
"And what did you talk about?" She bites her lip as she says this.
"Oh, the usual." I try to be evasive.
"If you were two normal men I'd assume that meant sports, but I know better. Cough it up."
'You already know don't you?" I can guess from her reaction when Carter invited me out.
"He told you he thinks I'm competing with Dani." She says with a hint of disbelief.
"Yes."
"I can't believe him. And you told him?" She's angry now.
"That I thought he was wrong."
"That's it? You didn't throw something at him or better yet throw him."
"I'm a man of great restraint." She eyes me, but lets it pass.
"I hate when he does that to me . . . and to you."
"I think he meant well, he's worried about you, but I think he has things a little . . .jumbled. He . . . mentioned his brother."
"Bobby?" She seems confused at first, but then a light goes on. "So you think it's more about him than me."
"In a sense, maybe yes."
"Maybe Psych was your calling instead of the ER?"
"No thank you." I can't imagine anything worse.
"You haven't asked me yet." She leans her head on the window.
"Asked you what?"
"If you were right."
"You mean about you and Dani? I didn't think I had to ask. I thought I knew. Okay, I'll bite. Are you competing with Dani?"
"No, not anymore." She looks out the window for a few minutes then says quietly. "Do you know when we were together the first time, I used to actually feel her in the room with us?"
"No, I didn't know." I wish I had.
"That night when we got back together when you came over for dinner, remember?"
"Of course." How could I forget that.
"We were doing the dishes, and I could feel her there with us, and then you kissed me and I dropped that plate or bowl whatever it was. She left the room in that moment and she hasn't been back since. I mean I've thought about her, wondered about you and her, but I haven't felt her since then."
"Amazing," I shake my head.
"What?"
"Neither have I."
She smiles at me. There's silence for a couple of minutes until she speaks again. "She's just an idea now, a part of your past, part of you, but not . . . .not part of us, does that make sense?"
"Yes."
"But . .you should know, if we were suddenly in the Twilight Zone and she showed up on our doorstep. I'd fight for you . . ..for us."
"You wouldn't have to."
"Why?" Her brow furrows.
"Because I'm not the same man, because that time has passed. The door is shut, I couldn't . . . .we couldn't go back." I never really thought about this, but as I say it I know it's true.
"Really?" Her eyes narrow and she looks at me intently. I glance over to catch her eye and nod.
"Really."
'Wow"
"So you want that epidural now?" I smile devilishly.
She laughs softly. "Not on your life."
"I didn't think so." I can't help it I have to ask. "Abby?"
"Yeah?"
"What the hell is a Twilight Zone?"