A Legacy of Love
Chapter 5: Soul-Searching
The relationship between the Head Girl and the Marauders strengthened significantly after October's full moon. Bound together by that one knowledge, secret and the voluntarily given pledge for silence and acceptance, they welcomed Lily into their fold with opened arms. She was now almost like an honorary Marauder, or at least she was viewed as one. She was almost as inseparable with the four friends as they were with themselves. The five best seventh year students were rarely seen without each other, whether in classes, at meals, in the common room, walking down corridors between classes, even working under the giant beech tree near the lake. The only exceptions were when the four young men had "Marauder business" to attend to (which Lily discreetly and mysteriously disappeared from, lest it should incriminate her 'good name'), or if James and Lily pleaded absence to attend to Heads duties (Sirius had been very suspicious about the nature of these meetings and kept insisting that there was more to it than James was letting on, though he had the good sense not to mention it in front of Lily). All in all, life was almost as blissful at Hogwarts as one could wish for.
James, in particular out of the four, loved this relaxed new relationship with Lily. He was really getting to know the person beneath the tough exterior that she put up in front of others. If they were closer to each other since the beginning of the seventh year, they were growing even more intimate since that day. It was like them crossing an invisible barrier into their next level of friendship. Sirius and Peter, too, accepted her more wholly and embraced her like a sister, but James felt that he and Lily were finally getting somewhere in their would-be relationship. He would not take things hastily and ruin it by being impatient. He wanted to weave himself into her good graces and win her friendship before going after her again. After all, it was no use fancying a person he barely knew. He understood that if the both of them didn't understand each other, in the likely event that they go out with each other, they might just be dating an imaginary perfect man or woman, not one another. He wanted to get to know her more before moving on. Start from the bottom and take it slow, one at a time.
Who knows? He might just succeed this time. He will succeed this time. After all, James Potter wasn't one who would walk away from a challenge defeated for long. He would come back, again and again if he had to, and win, especially if that challenge concerned his future deeply. He would never give up.
"Hello, Remus. What are you doing alone? Where are the others?" Lily asked the young man with light brown hair as she walked down her dormitory stairs to find him relaxing by the fireplace at the Gryffindor Common Room, a rare sight for seventh years these days.
"Raiding the kitchen, as usual, though I don't know why. I mean, I know where they get these cravings, but I honestly don't know just how big these cravings can get. I certainly don't," Remus replied idly, turning a page of his book. "And, in case you're wondering, no, they're not planning for anything. If they were, they wouldn't have excluded me when Peter is included. It's usually only James and Sirius, or all four of us. So no worries there."
"Right. Mind if I do?" she asked, pointing at the armchair near his. Remus just inclined his head to show his assent. Lily sat down and rested her head on the armchair, staring at the ceiling, something she liked to do when she had the time to. Some students were creeped out when the Head Girl appeared to be staring at nothing at all, but the Marauders were well used to it by then.
"Hey… Lily? Can I talk to you for a moment?" Remus inquired her out of the blue, finally closing his book. Lily brought her head down to regard her co-Prefect and nodded, curious. She watched as he cleared his throat, regarded her for a while in silence, and began by asking bluntly, "Lily, do you like James?"
"Of course I do, Remus," she replied nonchalantly. "What do you mean, do I like him? You sound almost like you doubted me," she added, pretending to pout. Remus laughed at her and said, "Ah, Lily, I don't mean it in a platonic sense. I mean, do you like him as more than friends or not."
Lily took a while to ponder this out. She thought really hard, because she knew she had to give an honest answer, not only to Remus, but also to herself. And now that Remus mentioned it, she suddenly wasn't that sure anymore. Sure, I have a deep friendship for James, but just where did the line separate between friends and boyfriend-girlfriend? Damn, this is complicating. More than anything, this is unknown terrain. Dare I stray into it without knowing myself?
"I don't know exactly, Remus," she finally answered slowly, while thinking about her choice of words. She wanted Remus to understand and, hopefully, explain to her what was going on. He seemed to see things others don't, and it wasn't in a Seer's sense, thank Merlin for that. "I mean, I definitely like him as a friend, but I don't know whether I, you know, like him in a romantic way. I… don't really understand how all this happens. Hell, I don't even really know how to distinguish between simple friendship and desire, even lust. I don't want to just have an imaginary feeling when I am with him. I need to know if I feel that way first if I were to ever have a more-than-friends relationship with him. Besides, it isn't fair to James if I agree to go out with him when I could possibly not feel the same way as he does."
"So, basically, you don't know yourself yet?" Remus asked wisely.
Lily nodded. "I can't promise him feelings I don't feel yet. I want it to be special. I don't want this to be a simple fling, like the few people I've dated over the years here. I don't feel that way about them. Perhaps it was my hormones that I even dated at all." Here she made a face, and they both dissolved into laughter. She regained her breath and continued to a listening Remus, "What I am saying is that I refuse to just go out with someone I care very little for. I want a relationship where both could pour in equally strong emotions. I cannot commit in a one-sided relationship and expect it to work for the best, you know. It'll never work."
"I know, Lily. It's just that, I don't think you've been really very honest with your own feelings." It was Remus's turn to speak out. "No offence meant, but I rather thought that you've been escaping the need to confront them because you are very contented with the way things are going. The five of us have been very close these past months, but the three of us spectators," he was cut off by Lily exclaiming scandalously, "Remus! For Merlin's sake!"
He chuckled a bit, then continued, "As I was saying, the three of us noticed that you two are the closest together. Even Sirius complained to me the other day that he is losing his best friend to you. I mean, James has just been crazy about you for forever. Before this, he's just been talking about you every living second…"
"So I've known and been told. For the past six-and-a-half years, actually," Lily shot back at Remus laughingly. The young man smiled slightly and went on, "Now, he talks to you every living second. I kind of see what Sirius means actually."
"Oh, come on, Remus! The only times we ever went off together and left you three alone is when we have Heads business to attend to. Even then, it isn't very often, as we only meet thrice a month for it, one between us, one with Dumbledore or McGonagall, and one with the Prefects. It isn't as bad as you say it is. Honestly."
"Perhaps," Remus answered with a little bow. "But you also cannot deny the fact that he sticks to you like a magnet during our time together. And up in the dorm, whoa, it is Lily this and Lily that. We thought it couldn't be worse than it once was," Lily snickered appreciatively at that. "but apparently it could. And you didn't hear this from me, of course," he added the last bit warily. He so did not appreciate James whacking him just because he might have told Lily about this little piece of information.
"Of course." The emerald eyes shone with a bright light, making it look like real gems as she echoed him. "But, like I said, it would be unfair to James to lead him on. And you honestly can't expect me to feel the same way about him, just because he's got feelings for me, can you?
"I guess not. But I still maintain my stand." He refused to budge because he knew. He knew that they were throwing away something beautiful and irreplaceable by not doing anything about it. And he would not let that happen, not when it concerned their happiness. Losing his mate to the woman said mate had liked for years seemed to be a small price to pay, rather than see James losing his chance of felicity.
"And what is that?" Lily questioned, brushing her hair away from her face to have a better look at Remus.
"That you are in denial. That you aren't completely honest with your own feelings just yet, because you don't want to quit this comfortable sphere of our social circle you have come to love. That you are too afraid to venture into this new place recently opened in your heart because you fear heartbreak." Remus paused for a while, letting Lily drink it in. "He has changed for the better, you know, and all for you. You've got to be blind, deaf and dumb to not notice it, Lily, and I am sure you do notice."
Lily agreed. "Sure I do, Remus. Maybe you're right. I have to do some soul-searching. Thanks Remus. But before that, I still maintain that James and I are just strictly platonic friends. Nothing more."
She didn't hear Remus mutter to himself "That's what you say" as she resumed staring at the ceiling, trying to sort out her jumbled-up feelings. Somehow, Remus's words, rather than enlightening, had confused her even further. Or perhaps she herself was doing all the confusing.
Unbeknownst to them, James and Sirius were having a similar conversation down in the kitchens. Once again, Peter, being Peter, was just too busy shoving food down his throat and minding his own business to hear much of the conversation. In fact, more than once, James and Sirius had suggested that Peter either cut down his food intake or take up an exercise, as all his fat was going sideways, instead of upwards, or being burnt out. James, Sirius and Remus were all athletically fit and well, perhaps because of flying, or perhaps because they use up a lot of energy during full moons as Prongs, Padfoot and Moony. Wormtail was just in charge of prodding the knot on the tree and scouting ahead when they went exploring. Other than that, he usually rode on Prongs's antlers.
"James… can I ask you something?" Sirius began listlessly while munching on a chocolate éclair they both loved. "Why do you like Lily so much?"
James bit into a pineapple tart, taking his time to think carefully about his answer before swallowing the tart and replying, "Well… It's more like a feeling than knowing. You just… feel special about someone. You just know that she is the one for you. It's kind of hard to explain. It is so abstract."
"Yes, but what attracted you to her? Why is she so special?" Sirius pressed persistently.
"Lily…" A dreamy expression clouded his face, particularly his eyes. Sirius knew immediately that he had asked the wrong question. Here we go again, he thought. Surprisingly, James wasn't blind to his best friend's expression, as Sirius thought he was. He said simply, "Because she's smart, kind, talented, forgiving, strong, determined, pure and… beautiful. Not just physically. She is so beautiful on the inside. That's why. You cannot find two people with the same characteristics, not even Lily had a twin. Hell, as far as I know, her sister is horrible towards her for being a witch."
"Maybe not," Sirius agreed. He saw some point in James's argument, but he still didn't understand what was so special about Lily. "But there are different kinds of girls in this world. Though they may not have the same characteristics as Lily, they might be equally good in their different ways. If you find one, would you still choose Lily over her?"
"Yes," James answered without a doubt. "Even if they might be her identical twins, I'd still connect with Lily alone. It is a kind of spark I feel whenever I am near her. Only she can evoke that kind of responses in me. Remember those foolish things we used to do? I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't think straight when she was around. I think it was because I don't know how to act around her, so I just had to make a total fool of myself." They both chuckled at their past memories.
"So what happened to the plan?" Sirius asked after a pause, when they were immersed in their remembrances. James looked up at his best friend, uncomprehending. "Plan?" he repeated, clueless. "What plan? I don't have a plan."
"The plan about going after Lily, you great dolt," Sirius barked, rolling his eyes. "I see that she still messes with your brain. I must make it a point not to let her corrupt you any longer. So why have you stopped hitting on her? Cat got your tongue or something?"
"No, Sirius. The 'plan', as you so graciously dubbed, is… on hold."
"On hold? What the hell?"
It was James's turn to roll his eyes. "Padfoot, do you honestly think that after six long years of me hitting on her and she not responding, she would be likely to yield to the same tactics again?"
Comprehension dawned on Sirius's face. "Oh… it's just that it is so unlike you to not have a plan. Or a plan B, at the very least."
"Yeah, well, plans didn't work, did it? So this time I'd rather let nature take its own course. You know, Sirius, sometimes we ought not to tamper with fate, not too much anyway, same as we ought not to leave it completely on its own. Always choose the middle path in life for neither extreme would bring us happiness."
"Really? This coming from you, Prongs?" Sirius questioned sceptically. "Great Marauder and true Gryffindor? Whatever happened to 'fight for our own fate'?"
"It's still here, Sirius, never fear," James answered promptly, putting his hand over his heart. "It's just that, this time, I want to get to know her first, and I want her to get to know me. The real me whom I have only shown to you, Remus and Peter. She will never date me if she still regards me as the 'arrogant, bullying toerag' who enjoys nothing better than hexing innocent people down the corridors and showing off with that 'stupid Snitch'. I need to show her that I'm not the person she always thought I was, besides undoing all the damage I've done in the past six years. Only then will I even stand a chance to win her heart."
"Very romantic, Prongs," Sirius muttered sarcastically. "You've gone a bit soft on us, you know that? Not that I don't wish you joy in winning your fair lady's heart, but I think you're going too far to secure her hand. Hell, you didn't even date anyone from first year. I wonder how you can stand it." By the scorching look James gave him, he corrected himself quickly, "I mean, sure, you have a one-week fling or something once in a while, but what do you tell them every time? 'Sorry, but you're just not the girl I want'. Way to go, James. No wonder I am always the ladies' man."
James tried to glare at the man he regarded as his closest friend and brother, but failed almost immediately. He gave a small sigh. "Sirius, do you honestly think that I've never tried to give Lily up as a lost cause? She was so persistent in rejecting me that I got so damn frustrated so often. You should know. Why do you think I tried to go out with these girls? I was trying to forget Lily. Yet, when we go on dates, Lily is all I see. I keep imagining Lily sitting in front of me, Lily laughing at my jokes, Lily twirling her red locks between her fingers while stirring her drink, Lily saying… saying that she… she likes me back… but always, I was disappointed, because no other girl has Lily's spirit and qualities. I just know it without knowing, Padfoot. Lily is the one for me. I just need to give her a little time to realise that, is all."
"Yeah, and that little time you speak of? What was it… six years?" Said closest friend returned mockingly. "Isn't it time you two got together? For all we know, she might have liked you for ages and is just waiting for you to change. And we all know that you have. So what's stopping you?"
"Time. Like you said, Padfoot, I've waited for her for six years. A few more weeks wouldn't hurt. After all, I want this to be worthwhile, to be special to the both of us, not only to me. I want her to feel the same way about me too. I don't want to ruin this. I don't want this to be all for nothing."
"I just hope you're right about this, James. May you succeed in your conquest of fair Lily's heart," Sirius toasted James, clanging their goblets of pumpkin juice together. Peter, hearing the noise, turned just as James and Sirius downed their goblets, and protested, "Hey, I want to toast too!"
– To Be Continued –