((I know I just submitted a chapter..but I felt I would lose this if I didnt write it..bad grammar up ahead..so sorry))
((middle of season four..Xanders' POV))
If I loved you..would you still be here?
A question I ask you, laying on that bed, eyes closed, still in a coma. Theres nothing I can do, the doctor said. No one knows Im here. If they did, the looks they would give me, the thoughts that would surely run through their heads, would break me. I dont know why I still come here. Why I bring flowers you could never enjoy. I dont know anything. But I show up. Week after week. I even lie to Anya. We're getting married ya know? I look down at your face, purple and worried. Even when your sleeping you seem to hold the worlds weight on your shoulders. I think thats the only thing you and Buffy have in common. Of course, both of you would rip off my arms if I were to compare the both of you and find similarities. But I do it anyways. In your hospital room, with only you to hear me. Not like you can do anything now. Faith..I cant say anything that would make you wake up or make everyone forgive you. Truth be told, Im not sure if I forgive you. Not that I would stop these weekly visits. Its become too much of a habit.
Im so scared Faith. I dont know if I can keep up with everyone. Oz left Willow, to become less like the wolf. I think I was the last one to see him. He said he needed time, to let Willow think about everything. I think he's an idiot. I think you wouldve brought Willow out to the Bronze to let her..heal, I guess. And we did just that. But she got drunk and we had to bring her to her dorm to go to sleep. I dont know what to do. Everyone seems to be getting stronger, better and Im still here, talking to a comatose slayer, the second, with no superpowers or anything. Can you hear me? Can you feel my hand on yours? I hope you wake up. Even though I know youre going to be pissed off as hell and probably try to kill us. And for right now, I wish that you would wake up and try to kill us. Maybe then we would realize the mistake we made with you. Im sorry that I didnt try to convince you to move out of that hotel. That we took Buffys' side and thats all. That we didn't listen to you. Im sorry about so many things.
Ill still sit here,week after week, waiting for you to wake up.
((middle of season four..Faiths' POV))
Its still not enough,Xand.
I saw you. Before I saw any of those other son of a bitch Scoobies. I cant believe that Dick is dead. Or that you are all still alive. The wolf is missing. I think you told me, when I was knocked out, that he left Red. You dont know but I heard everything you said. Between the dreams, the nightmares. You were walking with some blonde, bottle blonde. Anya Jenkins right? I remember. Im not as dumb as you all made me out to be. You were holding hands and talking to each other, all intimate and loving. Makes me sick really. You said you would love me. The night I was about to jump. I wasnt about to jump, Xand. Not time. But right after B stabbed me, gutted me with my own knife, I was ready to jump. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to hell for all eternity. No, I got worse. I got stuck in my own head. But week after week, Im not sure, there wasnt really time in my head, I would hear your voice. Telling me about the most mundane shit ever. But it made the nightmares stop. It made me not scared for a little while. Im not sure if this helps or anything..
But Im sorry. I forgive you, too. I guess I was just meant to fuck up huh? I know you wont forgive me. Im watching you right now, all of you. Through Giles' window. Talking about how crazy I am. Talking about the danger. No. There is no more redemption for me is there? Yet you all take in a vengence demon. I know. I can feel her. She may be human now but she still holds the scent. Must be driving B up the wall. Of course she never really got the calling. Not the way I did. Maybe thats why you guys think Im crazy. Fuck it. It doesnt matter anymore.
Nothings' enough. Not until I see all of you dead.