"Marking Time"

A couple of days after her birthday, Carter and I are working a shift together, graveyard. We're in trauma one, gang banger with a bullet in his heart on his way up to the OR, doesn't look good. We snap off our gloves and he looks at me.

"So did Abby mention I stopped by yesterday?"

"No, but I knew you did."

"How?"

"Flowers." In a bucket, who keeps flowers in a bucket? Abby. I was torn between wanting her to tell me he came by and not wanting to discuss Carter with her at all. In the end, we both opted for silence.

"Could've been Susan."

"Susan would have brought chocolate."

"Right. Coffee?" I nod and we start walking. "So, she didn't tell you then?"

Shit. "Tell me what?"

"That I thought her birthday was yesterday."

"You knew her birthday wasn't yesterday."

"I know, but I was hoping she'd tell you that I had the date wrong, and then I wouldn't have to apologize again. You know actions speaking louder and all that."

"So you told her you forgot her birthday to make up for being a jerk to me? Wouldn't it be easier to just stop acting like an ass?"

"You would think so."

"What's going on Carter?"

"Okay, honestly, this dance we're doing, it's getting pretty old. I was hoping we could reach a new understanding."

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

"What?"

"I'm a happily married man."

"You know something, you're funnier than you look."

"That has to be good."

"I think it is. I can't believe she didn't tell you, don't you guys talk?"

"Well, we've had more on our minds than you." We walk into the lounge. Carter pours the coffee.

"Touche. Then I'll tell you. I told her the truth, I love her and I always will, but I'm not in love with her, maybe I never was, I don't know."

"I see." As confident as I am in Abby, I can't say I'm not relieved. I take the cup he offers me, and we sit at the table.

"It's a good place for both of us, for all of us I hope. Speaking of good places, I guess she didn't tell you my other news either?"

"Which is?"

"Jing Mei's moving in, I asked her last night."

"Really? I thought you two were . . . ." I wave my hand.

"Yeah, I know, but I thought about what you said. I suppose I've always thought love was supposed to be easy. That everything would just fall into place. But when I stepped back, I realized I wanted to try. I missed her when we were apart. So I've been trying and so has she, and well . . . .it's working, it's good, no actually, it's great."

"I'm glad for you Carter, really I am."

"Me too. Hey, I like your painting. Her eyes, her expression, really well done, although I can't say the look was familiar." Thank God, I could kiss him, but I nod instead. "You're good. What are you doing in this hell hole?"

"Gotta earn money, baby on the way." Not to mention a piano. "Besides, I'm not that good, you should see what my father can do."

"Abby showed me some of his stuff too, I thought maybe Gamma should take a look, maybe she'd want to sponsor him."

"Give him money? No don't do that. It would make him miserable."

"Why?"

"I don't know, trust me it would."

"So you ready for the birth."

"Ready, excited, terrified, all of it."

"Let me know if I can help. I want to be her friend; I want to be your friend. I can be an ass, but I have my good side too."

It seems there should be a really good come back for that line, but I let it go. "Okay Carter. Let's see how it goes."

"Okay."

The next day Ivica calls. He interrupts Abby and I trying to work out a 'throwing in the natural childbirth towel' signal. You know a word she can say that means "forget everything we've ever discussed and get me an anesthesiologist stat".

"Luka"

"Tata"

"No baby? Soon huh?"

"I suppose anytime now really."

"You ready?"

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"Yes." I've been wanting to reassure him, maybe now's the time. "I want this, I need this, I deserve this and so does she. We're good, we're going to be good."

"I know. You're a strong man."

"Sometimes I wonder."

"No, strong, stronger than me. I never found the courage to do it again, take the risk. But you know I didn't understand, really understand the price for that. Safety, she doesn't come cheap."

"No, I guess not. There's so many times, I almost lost this, almost threw it away, or she did. I'm lucky she's so strong."

"She's a good woman. She'll see you through the bad times. And there will be those, you know that."

"Yes, but it's not scary any more, the bad times. As long as I don't lose them, I'll be ok."

"The memories still bother you?"

"No, not like they did. I guess, I don't need them anymore, Dani, the kids. I love them, I always will, but they're memories now, not ghosts. And the guilt, the pain it's not there. I don't have the time for it. I have a wife and baby to take care of, and that's what I'm going to do."

"Good boy, call me when I'm a grandfather, don't forget, whatever time."

"I won't forget, get some sleep."

"Give Abby a . . "

"Don't even go there.".

"I was going to say kiss, what? You have such a dirty mind."

"Good night Tata."

"Good night son."

So I walk back in the room and I smile, I know the code word, and so does she. We look each other and say it together. "Ivica." Then I figure what the hell, now's the time to clear the air. I tell Abby I'll do something with Carter's flowers the bucket isn't really working for them.

"How did you know they were from Carter?"

"Who else? They're in a bucket; that and we talked."

"I should have told you he stopped by."

I shrug. "I should have asked about the flowers."

"Maybe I was kind of hoping you would. It was no big deal, he even forgot the day, came a day late."

"He didn't forget."

"Yes, he did."

"No, he reminded me it was your birthday the day before."

"Ooooo. Then why . . . .?"

"Well, I wondered that myself. But I think . .. I think he was trying to make things right with me, you know, take a step back."

"That almost makes sense."

"He told me he was going to stop being stupid about all this, maybe we need to stop being stupid too. I know he's your friend, I think maybe . . . maybe he could be mine. But there have got to be limits. I will not spend the rest of my life justifying us to him."

"I think he gets it; we had a good talk. You know Luka, I can be his friend because that's all there is. He's my friend, you're that and everything else."

"I like the sound of that."

"Don't let it go to your head."

"Not with you around to keep me in line."

"It's a dirty job . . ."

"But somebody's gotta do me." She's laughing so hard she can't talk. "What?" Really, what did I say?

I'm inside her, she's under me and we're moving in perfect rhythm, made for each other. She arches her back, her eyes dark with passion, her mouth a perfect O of pleasure. She's so small beneath me, she feels so good, it's been so long, too long. Her moan is guttural, deep . . "Luka". I feel like I'm going to explode, a human time bomb.

But then her voice changes, it's cool and crisp and light. "Hey, wake up, it's eight thirty, Luka." Damn, shit, fuck. I reach out for her, eyes still closed, she's real, but she's dressed and next to me, not naked and underneath me. Damn, shit, fuck. I pretend to have trouble waking up to give myself time to er collect myself. I'm working another night shift catching some sleep before I have to go in. Pratt's out, hurt his back, I didn't ask how, I really don't think I want to know.

I roll over and pull her onto me. She puts her head on my shoulder, I wonder if my heart is pounding. We talk about nothing and then about the baby. Then I say it, I say it because I wonder if I'm running out of time and she needs to hear it before the baby comes. I say it because I need to hear it again myself. I say it because I want it to be true for both of us. "You know, don't you, that there'll be no one there except us, you and me."

She doesn't seem sure, but I am and I tell her that. At least I'm sure about myself. I wonder who'll be in that room with her. She doesn't seem able to answer. I don't know if it's me she's unsure of, or herself.

In the end she doesn't really answer, but she says, "I love you." I'll take it. I pull her into me even closer.

"I know." I groan. "God I don't want to go to work." All I want in life is here on this bed, and I don't want to leave it.

"Kerry will have your ass."

"At least someone will want it." She laughs then.

"Come on Luka, you'll be late, I let you sleep as long as I could. We need Kerry to be flexible once the baby comes, don't piss her off now."

"I have more care to stay, than will to go."

"Someone's gotta work around here, quoting Shakespeare won't pay the rent."

"We'll live on love."

"I don't think the better colleges are taking that currency."

"You want me to go?"

"No, of course not, but .. . ."

"Then I'll stay."

"Luka . . . " I'm filled with longing for her, not just physically but pretty much in every way you can want another human being. She twists her head to look at me and I pull her to me and kiss her deeply on the mouth. She looks surprised. I better get out of here, before I act in a manner not befitting a gentleman. I kiss the top of her head, and I force myself out of bed. "You've only got time for a two minute shower." She calls after me. Just as well, it's gonna be a cold one anyway. "Wake me if I'm asleep when you get home."

I stop short. "Why?" She raises her eyebrows. "Don't tease."

"I thought you liked that."

"Only when I know where it's headed."

"You know, wake me when you get home."

"I can't go."

"You have to go, don't use up Kerry's good will, there's not enough of it to waste."

Damn, shit, fuck. "You're right. Guess I have to be responsible now, father and all that."

"And all that."

My hair is damp when I pull on my coat, hand on the door, ready to step out into the cold, the dark.

"It will be just us." She's behind me. I turn around. "It's been hard for me Luka, not to feel second best. It's not you, it's . . it's me. I never did make it to Disneyland."

"What?"

"Long story, I'll tell you later. But it will be just us. Sometimes I forget I don't do that anymore."

"What?"

"Wait for the other shoe to drop."

I look around, look at her. "This is all I want."

"I know. Now get your ass out of here."

"I love you."

"I know that too."

Our eyes lock. I want her in my arms. I'm just going to work, I don't know why this parting is so difficult, it's not like I haven't left her hundreds of times before. I reach out, rub her arm.

"See you in the morning." She nods.

"Drive safely, it might be icy." She says straightening my collar. I nod.

God help me, I don't want to leave her . .. but I do. There's a blast of cold air when I open the door, and step out into the dark.