A Legacy of Love
Chapter 10: Confronting Death
Lily couldn't sleep. She'd been having nightmares ever since her parents' death. They'd always begin with the car crash (though she didn't witness the scene, or it'll be a lot worse), the morgue, the funeral, staring down at her parents' dead bodies in the cold coffins and Petunia, her last blood kin, shouting at her in an angry, almost demented manner. She would awake screaming as the Petunia in her dreams attempted to strangle her, covered in cold sweat. It had been three days now, and she could take it no longer. She got up silently so as not to wake any of her dormmates. They were OK friends, but incredibly ditzy and gossipy. Quiet as a mouse, she put on her bedroom slippers and dressing robe and crossed the room, exiting it without hesitation. Climbing down all the way to the common room, she stared up the boys' staircase, before ascending it slowly, but purposefully, for the only one that held her heart.
Little did she know that her quarry was also having difficulty sleeping without the dreamless sleep potion she and Remus had forced him and Sirius to drink, those days right after his parents' deaths. Often, he would lay awake, staring at the ceiling of his four-poster bed, his face expressionless, thinking about the times he had with his parents while they were still alive and well. Sometimes, their dying faces would swim before him, contorted with pain, only relaxing with the potion that reduced their pain, and finally, their eyes closed peacefully in death. Why his parents? He still could not understand. Then, Lily's parents' death hit him all over again, knowing what it felt like to be an orphan.
An orphan… The implication struck him forcefully as it never did before. He was all alone now… And so was Lily… Their families were all dead, except maybe Petunia, who probably, no, absolutely didn't give a shit about their well-being at the least. "FREAK!" He wondered how Lily was able to tolerate this insane madness. No wonder Snape was a piece of cake to her. She was by far too used to it to care.
Speaking of the devil, he heard the door to their dormitory creak open ever so slightly. Padded footsteps sounded in the room as the person treaded lightly around, apparently finding something. Reading his watch, he saw that it was one in the morning. He was just considering whether to find out who was entering their dorm, and why, at this time of the night, or morning, when the curtains to his bed opened to reveal a woman with red hair and emerald eyes staring down at him.
He was stunned. What was Lily doing here at one in the morning? Upon closer inspection, however, he saw that her red locks were tussled and there were dark rings around her tired eyes. Figures that I am not the only sleepless one around then, James thought. "Lily? You OK? Why are you here? Do you need something?" he asked, concerned, and longing to hold her.
For a long time, she didn't speak, until James thought that she was just another apparition he had been seeing for the past few nights. However, when she did speak, it was with a hollow, dead voice, "James…" she sat on the edge of his bed while James raised himself from his lying position to look at her better. "Can I… err… maybe… sleep with you tonight? I mean… not in that way…" she caught herself as James's expression changed. "Just sleep… nothing else… please?"
She needn't have pleaded or asked. James was more than willing to. He nodded and moved over soundlessly to make space for Lily, who promptly slide beside him and snuggled close, needing the warmth of her boyfriend. James could hardly keep himself from kissing her, the way her arms wound around his middle and the way her hair splayed across his chest. He smelt the inviting aroma that always floated around Lily and felt her soft thighs rub against his muscular ones. Luckily, Peter's snores rose in volume and reminded him of where they were. He had the presence of mind to first cast a Locking and Silencing Charms on his curtains. Lily raised her eyebrows at this, although they weren't accusing, merely inquisitive. "Sirius and Remus and Peter," he explained. "Although they are my best buddies, they can tease me like crazy when they want to. And sometimes they have a really rough way of waking me up when they're in a mood to, some of which involves water."
She comprehended immediately. She trusted him. He would never hurt her. Never. Looking at him, she could almost see the same haunted look that was almost identically printed on her face. After a while, she voiced out her thoughts, "You can't sleep too, can you?" It was more a statement than a question, but James nodded all the same. "Your eyes were wide open when I came in… Do you see their faces too?"
He didn't need further explanation to know whose faces she meant. Throat suddenly too tight to speak, he nodded again, while winding his arm around her waist, needing her warmth. She spoke no more for a while as they laid there in the semi-darkness comfortably in each other's arms. Words seemed unnecessary as they understood each other's feelings completely. Almost like they connected with one another.
"I miss them. I miss them so…" She suddenly broke the silence, murmuring quietly. James looked down, and thankfully, saw no tears, just an expression of longing. "I remember the day I got my letter. It was Hagrid who explained it all to my parents. They were shocked, oh yes…" Lily smiled reminiscently at her parents' expressions when the half-giant had entered the Evanses' household with difficulty, eight years ago. "Hagrid said that I was a witch, that I'd been invited to Hogwarts. Mum and dad couldn't speak for a full five minutes. Then dad whispered, awestruck, to Hagrid, 'You're not pulling our legs are you, Mr. Hagrid? Lily really is a witch? She can do magic and everything?' To which Hagrid replied, ''Course she can, never notice her making something unusual happen, do ye?' Mum stared, then said slowly, 'But of course! The time Petunia's favourite poster of that awful singer turned into ashes! It must be Lily's doing! Lord, a witch! Lily is a witch!' 'See? Told ye yer daughter's powerful, an' more powerful she'll be when she learns ter control her powers, she will,' Hagrid told them chuckling."
Lily's emerald eyes sparkled as she continued recalling her best moment with her parents, second only to her euphoric pronouncement as Head Girl. "I was sitting there in the kitchen with them all, just staring at them. Then I said inquisitively, 'I'm a witch?' Dad exploded at that, and so did mum. They hugged me so tight. 'Oh, my little Lily! You're a witch! You're going to learn great, great things! Oh, I can't tell you how proud I am of you, my darling daughter!' They were such sweethearts. They supported me all through my Hogwarts days, you know. Hagrid smiled and said, 'I'll take it as a yes then, that young Lily would be studyin' in Hogwarts. Ah, don't ye worry, Mr. and Mrs. Evans, yer daughter would be taken good care of. And she'd be under the best Headmaster Hogwarts ever had, Albus Dumbledore. Remember ter send yer owl to Hogwarts before thirty-first of July, then, Lily. Good day to yer, Mr. and Mrs. Evans.'"
She paused, smiling at the recollection, then continued, "To you, James, I suppose it would be no big deal when you received your letter, because you already know that you'd definitely be attending Hogwarts, being pure-blood and all. Us, that's a different sensation altogether. It was like fireworks exploding in the house, so surprising, yet not so. It's… I… I don't know how to describe it… A mixture between wonder and joy and incredulity. Yeah, that'll be it. Petunia wasn't that happy, though. Thank Merlin she wasn't there during Hagrid's visit. When she came back from her friend's home, and was told everything, she started shrieking about how I am a 'freak' and 'ludicrous' that I should be a witch when there is no such thing as witches. Frankly though, I think she thinks it's wrong that I'm a witch when she's not."
"Yeah, she probably is, that jealous b- erm, never mind," James started heatedly, then finished sheepishly as Lily slapped his arm playfully to prevent him from continuing his sentence. Steering clear of the subject of Petunia, he said, "My dad, before the days of Hogwarts, used to train me to fly and to channel my magic, besides teaching me all the stuff between Dark magic and our good magic. He always said that 'The Dark Arts, though powerful and seductive, must never be chosen over good. Like a moth attracted to fire, it will, in the end, incinerate us through our own greed of power. Therefore, son, never choose what is easy, but always choose what is right. Evil will never be destroyed completely. It is our duty to keep it at bay, while not being seduced by it. Ultimately, son, it is not he that wields power who is in control, but he who does the right things. Violence and terror is nothing compared to the greatness of the heart… and love is the strongest magic that has ever existed. Remember that, James.'"
"You sound like you've remembered this speech by heart,' Lily smiled at her boyfriend. "Your father is really wise. He knows about living his life. The only other person I know who is like him would be Professor Dumbledore. They'd both experienced life to its fullest. No regrets they will have when they pass on," she said, but stopped quickly when she saw James's face paling. "I'm sorry, James, I shouldn't have reminded you…"
"No, it's not that. My dad… he said the same thing in his letter. His last letter to me. The part about living life to its fullest. He said that… Do you suppose he… and mum… really will have no regrets when they pass on?"
"Yes," Lily answered shortly. "Your parents have both dedicated their lives to eradicate evil and prop up the magical world. They have experienced all that life could offer: growing up, making friends, having a good employment, experiencing happiness, joy, bliss, wisdom, good health and, most importantly, love. They've had each other, and you. And Sirius. They could not have asked for more."
James was silent for a moment, then he told her, "Dad said that Professor Dumbledore and his friend, Nicholas Flamel, would not fear death in the least. Perhaps it is because of this. He said that they said, 'To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.' Could it really be possible that… you know… death is really the beginning of another adventure? I've asked Nearly Headless Nick before, but he said he knows nothing… He said it was because he was afraid of death and didn't… go on…"
"I believe so, yes. Life is like a circle. Every end of the circle is the beginning of another. So it goes on and on and on… Never ending, never stopping… There won't be life without death. When we were born, we knew that someday, somehow, we would quit this world for the next. It remains only to be seen how much we are able to experience in this world before continuing our adventure into the unknown," Lily replied quietly. "I only hope that my parents could have stayed longer to see me graduate and all. But I believe that they're never gone far from us. Do you?"
"Of course," James agreed at once without hesitation. "They'd always be with us, not physically so, but spiritually. Listening to everything we say, seeing everything we do, watching us, ever so silently. Sometimes, I thought I felt their presence, here, there, everywhere. It could be just me, but now that I think of it, I do believe that it is them. Dad said they'd never be really far away from us, ever. I trust him. He never lied to me before. He never will. He trusted me to act on what I feel is right, my instincts. I don't suppose everyone get such great parents like ours. They accepted everything I did, even laughed at the letters they received from Hogwarts about my so-called wrong-doings. They let me grow up on my own terms, never trying to restrict me. But the line between right and wrong was their primary and ultimate lesson to me. They taught me never to fall to the Dark side, that no matter what I do, so long as it is not cruel or evil, then they would never explicitly forbid me to do. Instead, they would let me judge by myself the rights and the wrongs. By the time I was eleven or twelve, they'd already said that I'm old enough to make my own choices. I'm really lucky to get parents like that."
"Hmm…" was Lily's only reply. Then she continued, half-cheekily, "So I suppose I'll just have to blame you for all the pranks you've played on your fellow schoolmates, then? And all the hexing and whatnots…" she trailed off thoughtfully, mysteriously. James looked at her, scandalised. "Yeah, I'll just have to. James, you naughty boy! How could you, Sirius, Remus and Peter do this?" she said, poking him playfully. "And Sirius, I wonder who he's joking, he's never serious. And you, young man, look what your poorly-planned pranks have done to the school…"
"Hey, hey! Look who's talking!" James caught on, a half-smile playing on his lips, holding Lily tighter. "Who was the one who said that our pranks were great, hmm? That the school needs liveliness once in a while?"
"Who- ah, oh dear… I did say that didn't I?" the red-headed girl was cornered. Sheepishly, she looked into the hazel eyes she loved so much and continued, "I trapped myself, didn't I? How foolish of me. But now, I finally know why. You four were living the moment of your lives, wanting to stay in the carefree stage of childhood as long as you can. But I, being the impatient and immature one, was anxious to grow up and start to really live. I guess I was wrong."
"No, Lily," James countered, serious once more. "You're only half-wrong. It doesn't matter if you're a child or an adult. So long as life is well lived, that is all that matters, not what stage of life we're in. We should make the most of life wherever we are, childhood, teenage, adulthood, old age. All of them. That's what makes life worth living, by living it on your own terms, and not dictated by anyone else. Not by fear, nor expectations, nor the desire to please others at the expense of one self. Especially not by the darkness. And Voldemort. He shall not deter us from what we want to do," James's face suddenly became determined and stern. "My parents' lives have never been stopped by him, despite the fact that they'd probably be on his wanted list for opposing him so openly, never mind that they were old. Like you said, they let nothing stop them experiencing life to the fullest and having each other. They will never be lonely, in life or in death. Neither will I be, and neither will you be too. We have each other, like our parents before us. For now, that would be enough."
"I know, and it is enough for me too. And… at least they weren't killed by Voldemort. Or… or tortured by him. I shudder to think what would have happened to them if they were killed by Voldemort instead of living their lives to the end of their terms." Lily shivered visibly. "Do you know that since I've learnt about Voldemort rising in power and about the fact that he hates Muggle-borns and Muggles, I've been worrying everyday about my parents' well-being? And, this may sound strange, but I worry for Petunia too. I don't know why, but I always thought, in some strange way, that if they were murdered, it'll be all my fault because I was the bridge between them and the magical world," she sighed. "Thank Merlin you came along, James Potter, and talked me out of my crazy thoughts. Remember that first day, after Dumbledore's meeting?" James squeezed her hand as a sign of acknowledgement. "Well, I guess I'm just glad that they aren't murdered in cold blood by the most terrible Dark wizard of the era."
"Yes, me too, actually, now that you mention it. And thank Merlin they weren't tortured by a disease that would kill them slowly but painfully. I just… it's just hard to say goodbye, to know that we'll never get to meet them again. But I daresay I will get over it yet. After all, they didn't regret it, so why should we? They lived their lives. We should live ours too."
"We need to move on," Lily agreed whole-heartedly. "We shall never forget them, but we will have to move on some day, for their sakes. Our parents wouldn't have wanted us to pine away for them. They would want us to live our lives to the fullest, so that when our times come, we won't regret or fear death, like them. And we would join them without the regret of not living enough," Lily mused aloud, her eyes overbright.
James smiled at last, and ruffled her crimson hair. "I knew there was a reason I liked you so much. You always make me see things I don't and make me smile." Lily smiled back at him. They felt a giant burden lifted off their shoulders, and the exhaustion shielded by the distress now destroyed, took them over. The giant clock at Hogwarts struck three.
"What day is today, Lily?" James asked. He just felt compelled to ask, on intuition, for some weird reason.
"Thirteenth – no, fourteenth of February," Lily answered, suddenly sleepy and tried but failed to stifle a yawn. They both said in unison, "Valentine's Day." Then they laughed.
"Happy Valentine's Day, darling," James whispered into Lily's ear, hugging her tightly. She shivered slightly at his breath tickling her face. "Happy Valentine's, dearest," she replied, kissing him on the cheek. He turned her face and kissed her lips passionately. It was a while before they broke apart. They both felt so safe and the loneliness that had plagued them had evaporated long ago.
"Sleep well, my lovely Lily," James mumbled, before falling into a deep sleep himself. They slumbered soundly, entwined in each other's arms, for the first time in weeks.
– To Be Continued –