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Chapter 20: Confessions

The raiders Canderous and Carth had encountered were not what Revan had thought they would be. When he had heard rumors that Mandalorian raiders were harassing the Dantooine countryside, he had scoffed at the very thought. Seeing the sad examples of his own race before him brought a realization to Revan and to Canderous. The Mandalorian Clans were dead. These Mandalorians were not harassing the people of Dantooine to goad the Jedi into fighting them. They were not trying to conquer the planet. These Mandalorians were nothing more than thugs, scum in Revan and Canderous' eyes.

The former Dark Lord had felt an anger slowly building within him since crashing on Taris. It had come close to consuming him when he had found Bastila at the swoop tracks. Now that anger had drained away to something less. Envy. Revan walked amongst the Jedi, men and women he had tried to murder three years before. He had seen the Jedi as more of a problem than a solution, but as he walked amongst them and saw their flaws and human or alien qualities, he was beginning to remember the people who had taken him in as an orphan. He was beginning to remember the sadness in his Master Kreia when she had left him to fight and how he had found her, years later.

The Mandalorian raiders fell before Revan, Canderous and Carth easily and in their wake, the two Mandalorians and the Republic officer began to piece together what was actually going on on Dantooine. The Mandalorians had allied with Duros raiders and were living off of the settlers. Bullying farmers and merchants for scraps.

"This is what my people are reduced to..."

Canderous said softly to himself, though Revan had heard him. Using information and datapads they had taken from the different groups of Mandalorians, the three warriors made their way to where the Mandalorian leader, Sherruk, was encamped.

"War does that to a people..."

Revan replied just as softly. Canderous' head snapped to his companion and his eyes narrowed. Turning his head to his other companion, Canderous sneered.

"Guess Republic boy didn't hear me..."

Turning back to Revan, Canderous stared at the Jedi thoughtfully.

"No human can hear that well... unless..."

Canderous walked over to Revan and ripped the right sleeve of the former Sith Lord's cloak and tunic to see a patch of tough, scarred skin. On the end of that patch, Canderous saw the small red and black remains of a tattoo.

"What the hell?"

Revan said loudly, drawing Carth's attention. Seeing the display, Carth narrowed his eyes as Canderous merely stared at the mark on Revan's right bicep thoughtfully. Revan's questions died on his lips as he looked down to the remains of his Clan tattoo that had been cut from his arm and burned away. Pulling the sleeve up slightly, Revan grumbled a string of curses and took off towards Sherruk's encampment. Carth followed, looking over his shoulder at Canderous as the Mandalorian stood where he had when he had seen the mark on Revan's arm.

"That mark..."

Canderous' mind wandered to stories he had heard from a few survivors of Mandalore's flagship. How he had tortured Revan and how Revan had been a Bloodraven. The Mandalorian General had dismissed the stories, knowing that no Mandalorian had been born Force sensitive.

"It can't be..."

Canderous' mind wandered to the edges of the scar on Revan's arm. The prominent symbol of the Bloodravens that all Mandalorians knew. Shaking his head, Canderous followed Revan and Carth's trail at a much slower pace as he pondered the possibilities.

"You fought in the Mandalorian wars... what battles did you fight in? We may have faced each other in battle..."

Canderous said to Carth. Carth slowed his pace and looked back tot he Mandalorian with a solemn expression.

"I try to forget my battles... I don't like reliving the horrors of war..."

Canderous raised an eyebrow at that.

"The horrors of war..?"

The Mandalorian questioned condescendingly. Carth scowled and turned from the conversation while Revan looked back at his companions.

"Enough."

The former Dark Lord interjected. Canderous' gray eyes turned to Revan.

"What about you?"

Canderous said, baiting Revan. Revan turned from Canderous and began walking again.

"All of the ones worth remembering."
Revan replied cryptically, at least to someone who wasn't a Mandalorian. Canderous nodded his head thoughtfully.

"I as well..."

Bored with the long trek to the Mandalorian encampment, Revan decided a conversation with his surly companions was an improvement to his own thoughts.

"So... tell me about your past battles."

Revan asked Canderous. Canderous smirked proudly.

"There were many... Your Jedi Revan gave us great honor in battle."

The mention of his name caused Revan's shoulders to tense slightly, though one would have to look for it to see it. Canderous' smirk widened as a knowing glint shone in his eyes.

"Honor? There is no honor in slaughtering innocents."

Carth muttered bitterly. Not wanting to relive his past battles, Carth quickened his apce and left the two Mandalorians to speak to each other. Seeing this, Revan slowed his pace to further the distance and turned to Canderous.

"What Clan?"

Canderous asked, nodding to Revan's arm.

"Bloodraven."

Revan replied. Canderous nodded.

"That's what I thought."

Canderous and Revan walked in silence for a few moments before the former Mandalorian General spoke again.

"You're supposed to be dead... must be really hard being surrounded by so many enemies and not letting your presence be known."

Canderous glared at Revan disapprovingly.

"All is fair in love and war."

Revan replied. Hearing this, Canderous' glare lost much of its intensity.

"Who else knows?"

Revan sighed heavily.

"All but Carth and Bastila... though Bastila was there when I fell..."

Canderous nodded, knowing that regardless of the warrior's skill, one could not always see betrayal.

"Why the charade? Why not kill them all?"

Revan pondered this for a moment before answering honestly.

"They are no longer my enemies... There is more glory to be gained working with them than against them..."

Revan responded, leaving out the part about wanting to protect Bastila and right the wrongs he had done. Hearing his own thoughts, Revan sneered.

"Right the wrongs? Yes of course... but I bow to no Jedi."

Revan's sneer turned to a frown.

"Well... maybe one Jedi."

Chuckling at his own train of thoughts and the image of Bastila glaring at him, Revan turned to Canderous.

"This must not become common knowledge..."

Revan stated firmly. Canderous looked thoughtful for a moment before he smirked.

"Just cut me in on some of the action and my lips are sealed."
Knowing that Canderous meant killing and not money, Revan nodded once.

"When we are away from prying eyes and eavesdroppers we will speak."
Revan said, placating Canderous' curiosity at what he considered a pleasant surprise. It wasn't every day that a Mandalorian got to share war stories with the greatest warrior in recent history.

"Later then."

Canderous and Revan soon caught up to Carth and silently made their way to Sherruk's camp. Canderous killed Sherruk with a single shot as Carth killed several of the Duros with his well placed shots. Revan merely watched the battle curiously. These Mandalorians did not fight well. In truth, they fought terribly. Turning his eyes to Canderous' the two Mandalorians shook their heads before Revan pulled his saber from his cloak and finished off the two remaining Mandalorians. Carth searched the encampment and discovered a large amount of looted belongings.

"We should comm the Enclave and give them these coordinates. They may be able to return these to their rightful owners."

Revan nodded while Canderous merely rolled his eyes and stalked over to Sherruk's corpse.

"Here's something he won't need anymore..."

Canderous pulled a lightsaber from Sherruk's armor and tossed it to Revan. Revan easily caught the weapon and depressed the switch, seeing a crimson blade shoot forth.

"Hmmm..."

Carth raised an eyebrow at the sight of Revan with a crimson saber. His mind vaguely made the connection of how much like a Sith Tauryn Katarn looked, but he shook the thought quickly.

"Canderous, go scout the area, see if they have any patrols out."

Canderous nodded and was gone in an instant. Turning to Carth, Revan motioned to a nearby hilltop and looted a sniper rifle from one of the Duros. Carth and Revan waited silently as they watched the encampment. After several hours, Canderous returned with a smug grin to inform the two that he had dealt with all the remaining weaklings.

"Lets get back to the Enclave then..."

Revan muttered as he followed Canderous and Carth. Looking over his shoulder, Carth frowned at Revan's slow pace. Turning to Canderous, he noticed the Mandalorian either did not notice or didn't care. Shrugging to himself, Carth quickened his pace and arrived before the two Mandalorians.

"Where the Hell have you guys been?"

Mission asked as Revan and Canderous trudged up the Ebon Hawk's ramp.

"You'd think since we've been here a month that the Jedi would give us our own rooms..."

Revan grumbled. Mission frowned at the dismissal and turned to Canderous for an answer. The Mandalorian narrowed his eyes and growled at the Twilek, startling her. Mission quickly rushed from the room saying something about seeing what Zalbaar was up to.

"So... Care to tell me what it was like?"

Revan and Canderous glared silently at Carth, though Revan knew Carth's gaze was locked on Canderous.

"What what was like?"

Canderous glowered. Carth merely turned his head away as he spoke.

"Killing your own people."

"Those sad excuses for warriors were not my people!"

Canderous shouted. Carth stared at Canderous for a moment before nodding once and heading back to the cockpit.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen..."

Revan sighed. Canderous nodded his agreement before heading to a cargo cylinder and pulling a bottle of Tarisian ale. The Mandalorian offered Revan the bottle, though Revan shook his head.

"No, I need to keep a clear mind right now..."

Canderous nodded and resigned himself to his own quarters to drink the night away. Bastila appeared several hours later to find Revan trying to meditate in the cargo hold.

"Am I disturbing you?"

The Padawan asked. Revan opened his eyes slowly and shook his head.

"Not at all. So what's the news on Catgirl?"

Bastila scowled at the nickname for Juhani but answered stoically.

"Juhani..."

Bastila stressed the name.

"Is speaking with her Master Quatra at the moment. The Council has decided that she can continue her training... that was a good thing you did for her... I- The Council has no idea how you managed to bring out such a change in her... she is so at peace..."

Bastila trailed off for a moment, letting the unasked question hang in the air. Revan released a long, steadying breath and stood slowly.

"What do they want now?"

Bastila smiled slightly at the tired tone in the Jedi before her.

"They want to make you a Padawan... and I believe there is a mission waiting for you."

Revan smirked for a moment.

"I suppose there is a Mission waiting for me somewhere around here... but she'll have to find someone else to play Pazzak with right now."

Bastila laughed softly at the joke and heard an indignant.

"Hey!"

Screamed from somewhere within the Ebon Hawk.

"Better run..."

Bastila smirked as Revan groaned and jumped to his feet in time to have Mission barge in and slap him across the face.

"That is not funny!"

Mission screamed. Bastila fought to control her laughter as Mission turned angrily towards her and glared.

"No. It's. Not. Mission."

Bastila said between laughs. Scowling, Mission grabbed Revan's cloak and pulled him from the room.

"You and I are going to have a nice long talk, pal."

Bastila continued to fight off her laughter at the sight of Revan being dragged away by the small girl. The image of the most powerful man in the galaxy being dragged away by a fourteen year old Twilek girl was enough to make even Canderous laugh. Bastila's laughter died at that thought as she cast a sideways glance at the slightly drunk and laughing Canderous.

"But that is not Revan..."

Sighing miserably, Bastila left the Ebon Hawk and proceeded to a meditation chamber, intent on removing that thought from her mind.

"Why do I keep thinking about him? He's dead..."

Bastila closed her eyes as she felt pain clench her heart.

"That's enough, Bastila..."

She said firmly to herself. Taking a long, steadying breath, the Padawan continued to the meditation chamber, unaware of the two catlike eyes that watched her intently. Juhani frowned at the turmoil she sensed within Bastila. Whatever was eating away at Bastila must have been terrible. Frowning, the Cathar turned her attention to the Ebon Hawk. Resolving herself, Juhani slowly walked up the ramp to be assaulted by indignant screaming and laughing. Canderous spotted the intruder and all thoughts of mirth and intoxication were forgotten as the Mandalorian stood and glared at the Cathar.

"What are you doing here?"

Canderous barked. Juhani felt her anger rising at the sight of the Mandalorian.

"I am here to speak with Tauryn Katarn."

Canderous narrowed his eyes but nodded once.

"Follow the screams."

Canderous laughed at Juhani's expression and continued to the cargo hold for another bottle of Tarisian ale. The Mandalorian found Carth there and the two began drinking and speaking of the Mandalorian wars, which surprisingly, Carth was in the mood to speak about. Juhani ignored the two drunken warriors and made her way to the crew quarters. Upon entering, all screaming stopped.

"Who-"

"Its alright, Mission."

Revan said as he rubbed his sore cheek. Juhani stared at the two for a moment, silent.

"I made a joke about her name..."

Mission's face flushed dark blue with her anger.

"Yea well what the hell does Revan mean huh?"
The Twilek's eyes widened as she clamped her hands over her mouth.

"This could be a good lesson, Juhani. Anger can cloud one's JUDGEMENT."

Revan said pointedly to Mission.

"Its alright, she knows..."

Revan explained to both woman. Mission nodded sheepishly and Juhani merely smiled.

"So..."

The former Dark Lord began.

"What's the situation?"

Revan asked. Juhani allowed her smile to grow slightly.

"My Master, Quatra will recover fully... And the Council has decided to send me on a mission."

Mission's eyes narrowed towards Revan, but returned to their normal carefree state when Revan did not comment.

"That's great..."

Juhani nodded numbly, and Revan could tell there was something bothering her.

"Mission, do you think we could have some privacy."

Mission smirked deviously.

"Alright, I'll leave you two alone!"

Revan released a steadying breath and pinched the bridge of his nose as the Twilek happily skipped away.

"What do you want to talk about?"

Revan asked after a moment of silence.

"Not here..."

Juhani said quietly. Knowing it had to have something to do with his identity, Revan nodded and followed the Cathar to a remote area of the Enclave.

"So what do you wish to speak to me about?"

Revan asked as he seated himself on a small boulder. Juhani took a moment to admire the garden before she spoke.

"The Council has decided to make me a Knight."

Revan raised an eyebrow and nodded.

"Hrn."

Juhani sighed, shaking her head.

"I do not feel I am ready... that I deserve to be a Knight... There... there is so much more I need to learn... so much more they can teach me."

Revan's eyebrow raised further.

"Humility? In a Jedi? Wow..."

The former Dark Lord was shocked at the admission, though he did not know Juhani, he had noticed that many Senior Padawans and younger Jedi had an arrogance streak about as bad as Malak's bridge crew's mortality rate.

"Some things can only be learned through experience..."

Revan said quietly. Juhani nodded.

"Yes... but it all seems so soon."

Revan narrowed his eyes at that thought. He had been Knighted at a young age as well. The former Dark Lord recalled the Council arguing over Knighting him and frowned.

"I never thought that... I guess it's a good thing you do..."

Revan muttered under his breath. Juhani tensed slightly at the former Sith's words as a long silence fell between the two Jedi.

"Why did you fall?"

Juhani blurted out. The Cathar's eyes widened slightly at her own words but she remained passive as she stared at Revan. The former Sith Lord shifted slightly and looked up towards the darkening horizon.

"I had to..."

Revan sighed as he stood and looked at the emerging stars.

"Someday... I may know why... but..."

The former Dark Lord's brow furrowed.

"I didn't know I fell... until I returned to the Republic... I suppose realizing I fell and falling where two different things..."

Juhani silently nodded as she stared intently into Revan's confused features.

"I began using the Darkside of the Force during the Mandalorian wars... and I began harboring my anger then... It helped me deal with what I saw..."

Juhani opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came.

"There is... so much power in the Darkside... so much that it frightens you... blinds you to what you are doing..."

Revan's eyes glazed as he stared at one of Dantooine's satellites.

"When you've killed as many people as I have..."

The former Sith Lord turned his eyes to Juhani's.

"You stop thinking of them as people. It is a means to an end... Whatever end that is... I don't know anymore."

Revan stood from his rock and stretched wearily as Juhani remained silent.

"I used to think it was because there was always something more vital... more important to spend resources on... but in the end it all breaks down to you. When you die, you have to answer for what you've done. I was a fool then... and in many ways I still am. I saw the Darkside and I embraced it because I saw power... I saw the ability to do what I wanted without answering to anyone... But I have to answer for what I've done... I have to..."

The former Dark Lord trailed off as he stared at a distant star.

"I wish that mindwipe had been more effective... I shouldn't be here."

Juhani narrowed her eyes at the thought.

"Where should you be, Revan?"

Juhani asked softly. Revan briefly considered all the things he had lost and all that he had sacrificed. All the murders he had committed and all the lives he had saved. Of all the atrocities he had committed, only one pulled at his numb heart.

"I betrayed her... like Malak betrayed me... like I have all who once called themselves my friends... Force, what ever happened to Ian or Kreia..."

Revan's eyes gleamed slightly as he shuddered.

"I should be in the deepest circles of hell."

Juhani frowned at that.

"But you're not. You are here, now. You have a second chanc-"

"This second chance was not my choice!"

Revan snapped angrily.

"Where do you think the galaxy would be if Malak had not destroyed my power over the Sith? I would likely be burning Coruscant and murdering whatever would remain of the Jedi Order. I wouldn't have changed. I was forced into this..."

Revan ran his hand over his face and sighed.

"I wouldn't have changed... I shouldn't have. This isn't right. The lies, the deceit. Its just another mask, another layer of betrayal that will bring more pain than the first..."

Revan scowled mentally at himself.

"I've done nothing but what was in my own agenda since I was brought to the Order...That carried through to my reign as the Dark Lord and it still holds true now. I am using the Jedi, Juhani. I am using them to get to who I want."

"Bastila and Malak..."

The former Knight clenched his hands into angry fists.

"I can't believe myself sometimes. Its disgusting. All I do is use those around me... there is no honor in that..."

Juhani gazed towards Revan with concern.

"Why are you telling me this, then?"
Juhani's words snapped Revan from his rant.

"What do you think I should do?"

Juhani furrowed her brow.

"What have you ever done?"

Revan scowled darkly.

"What I thought was right."

Juhani nodded.

"But thoughts can become twisted. Do not do what you think is right... but what you know is right."

Revan crossed his arms and leaned against a nearby tree.

"What if you don't know what is right? What if you need to make the decision... and there is nothing to base it on?"

Juhani was silent in her thoughts for a moment before she spoke slowly.

"Then... perhaps it would be best to consider doing what you are willing to live with."

The former Dark Lord shook his head.

"There is the problem. Each time you make that concession... the gap between morality and logic thins, eventually it goes to numbers. Lose a thousand men in an assault or bomb the enemy position and kill a hundred civilians."

Juhani's eyes widened slightly at the analogy.

"I see you've faced this scenario before..."

The Cathar said softly. Revan's scowl was her answer.

"Soldiers... Warriors are trained to face death but civilians are not. Who is the enemy?"

Revan snorted as he rolled his eyes.

"That's easy, yourself."

Juhani nodded.

"And the battle is which action you will take. What can you live with? What can you change? Who's fault are those deaths?"

Revan shook his head as he pulled himself from the wall and dropped his arms to his sides.

"I don't deal in what ifs. Its numbers, Juhani. A thousand die or nine hundred live."

Juhani sighed heavily.

"Then the choice is left to you, though none should bear the weight of that decision."

Revan smiled bitterly.

"What should be and what is often do not resemble one another."

The two Jedi spoke long into the night, though little progress was made. Revan retired to the Ebon Hawk and spent a restless sleep dreaming of the ancient tombs on Dantooine while Juhani returned to her quarters and pondered what she had learned of Revan and his decision. She found, much to her dread that she would have made many of the same decisions he had.

"That is the danger we face each day, Juhani."

Revan's warning still burned clear in her mind the next morning when the Knight made her way to the Council chambers to be briefed on her first mission.