Here you go, loyal readers, Chapter six. I will warn you there is some language so take caution!
-…………………………………………….
Come on you can do this. It's just a phone call. Pick up the phone. After about an hour of lifting the phone and then hanging it up again I was finally able to dial the number. Breathe in -RING- breathe out. -RING- Nice deep breaths. -RING- Oh well no one home better luck tomorrow.
"Hello?" Damn. So close.
"Um hi. Darien, it's Serena." Oh lord I really wish my hands would stop shaking.
"I'm glad you called. I was starting to get worried you were avoiding me." Oh he's making a joke. Jokes are good. He has such a sexy laugh. Come on Sere, focus. Stay on the ball.
"Yeah. Well I was just calling to um…see if your…um offer was uh…. still available?" Note to self: never speak again.
"You mean me asking you out on a date? That offer?" He's mocking me.
"Yes. If you still want to go, I'd…" I hope everyone brought their ice skates because hell's about to freeze over. "I'd love to go with you."
There's nothing but silence. Maybe he died from shock. Or maybe he doesn't want to go with me anymore. Could he have already found another girl willing to go with him to the ball? I bet he has and purposely didn't tell me because he wanted to hear me say yes before telling me there's been a change of plans. All right who opened my box of paranoia?
"Wonderful. I'll stop by this evening to tell you more about the charity ball."
"Wait, what? Why do you have to stop by here tonight?" I can't be around him right now. Not yet. Don't ask why. I'm too confused. My mom was right. Boys do gum up the works.
"Because I may not have the chance again before the ball and I need to tell you the details." Does he honestly expect me to believe that? How complicated can it be. What clothes to put on, when, and where. See, simple explanations.
"Why can't you just tell me over the phone?"
"Well it's kind of confusing. This charity ball is like five different parties thrown into one. Sort of like a way to get more money by making people go to more than one party. See it's very confusing." Damn him and his logic!
"Alright. What time?" You see this is what happens when you invite the devil into your home.
"Is 5:30 okay with you?" Let's see what did I have planned for 5:30…. oh yes strangle all my friends. Well I guess I could push that to 6:30.
"Yes that's okay." Am I too young to have a stroke? I am feeling a bit dizzy.
"I'm glad you decided to give me a chance. You won't regret it. See you at 5:30." Well that conversation ended a little differently then I had thought it would. He's coming to my apartment in exactly six hours. Wow, I'm actually going to go through with this. Since when did I stop being a man hater? Probably since this gorgeous man walked naked into my life.
-……………………………………………………
"What time did you say he was coming to your apartment again?" Ha does she think I was born yesterday? Like I would honestly tell her when a man was coming over to my apartment. She'd probably stand outside my door and greet him. Then usher him inside where he'd see candles lit and hear soft music playing. Then there would be me with one leg on the fire escape outside my window, desperately trying to escape.
"That is the most pathetic attempt you've made so far at getting information out of me. I must say I am somewhat disappointed. I at least thought you'd put some bit of effort into humiliating me." For prom Jake Adams asked me to be his date. Mina found out and started writing on all my notebooks, "Mrs. Jake Adams." Jakes Adams later told me he wasn't quite ready for a long-term relationship.
"Fine. Don't tell me. I'll just come and camp out. Maybe I'll bring that photo album of us. You know the year you thought you'd look cute with a bob haircut?" Check and mate.
"5:30." Ah defeat, my old friend.
"Now see that wasn't so hard was it?" Oh I hate it when she talks to me like a child.
"Bite me." Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Last time I did, I had to explain why I had a bruise in the shape of someone's jaw on my upper arm.
"Testy. You know for someone who just snagged herself a very attractive man, you sure do have a bit of an attitude." Gee I wonder how she noticed.
"You know what I am testy! I would like to be able to have control of MY OWN life every once in a while. All four of you are always messing with my life. Well STOP! If I need your help I'll ask for it! Got it?" Okay ouch. I even winced when I finished that last sentence.
"Fine." She just hung up on me. I cannot believe she just hung up on me. Okay time for redial.
"I said fine." I am so beyond dumbstruck right now because not only did she hang up on me once she just hung up on me again! That is two, count them, two times she has hung up on me within the last thirty seconds. That has got to be a record. Redial.
"Mina do not hang up on me aga-" THREE TIMES! Redial.
"I swear if you hang up on me one more time I'll-" I think this time I really am having a stroke. Okay this is the last time I'm hitting redial. It's time to use the last resort. Some of you may want to avert your eyes; this is not going to be pretty. Redial.
"Mina I'm sorry. Please don't hang up on me again. Okay I'm sorry." Hey I did warn you to avert your eyes.
"Apology accepted. I'm glad you found your senses. I cannot believe you would actually say you don't like us helping you with your messed up life. That hurt." And there is the guilt trip that I knew would inevitably ensue after my apology to Mina.
"You know I am a grown woman. I can handle my life." No comments thank you.
"We all know that. We just like to give you a push in the right direction." Yeah and I just like to lightly tap her with the heel of my shoe.
"Push? I think you mean shove." Oh! Score one Serena.
"So anyways. What are you going to wear?" Don't you just love the phrase 'so anyways' it's such a wonderfully perfect way to change the subject so abruptly. Someone could be in the middle of telling you his or her life's story then with just a quick toss of 'so anyways' and suddenly you're talking about how your dog scoots his butt across the floor.
"What I'm wearing right now." Did she really think I'd actually put some effort into looking good for something that isn't even a date? My motto: save the A-material for the real thing.
"Sere, honey, look down." Hmm…. maybe gray sweats and a t-shirt that smells vaguely of cheetos isn't the best outfit to impress.
"All right I'll change. But not because you think so but because I don't like Cheetos." Yes I am aware I am the only person in this conversation that understands what that means.
"You are aware that you are the-"
"YES. Good bye Mina." Ah ha! Now it's my turn to end our conversation angrily. Oh that felt good. Damnit! Now what am I supposed to wear? Cleans clothes?
-…………………………………………..
It is now approximately twenty-three minutes until go time. I still have to find my shoes, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and put on deodorant. Maybe I can get away without brushing my teeth. No I'd better play it safe. Better to have breath that smells good than breath that could make a mosquito fall in mid-flight.
Okay now I know when I bought these shoes there were two of them. I remember because I tried both of them on because Lita kept saying my left foot was smaller than my right foot. In fact she bet me five bucks it was. Hence the reason I tried on both shoes. Come to think of it, she never forked over the cash. Never trust tall brunettes. They're shady characters, the whole lot of them. What the…
"AHH!" Holy shit! That hurt like a mother. Since most of you missed that, I'll fill you in. I tripped. It seems my foot snagged on something sticking out from underneath the couch and took a straight head dive for the ground. Luckily though my cat-like reflexes allowed my ass to take the brunt of the fall. Oh well, I had 'get a bruise on ass' on my to-do list all month. There is good news though! I found my shoe.
Any of you catch on to where it was? Ah yes, you in front. In my closet you say? No, no I'm sorry but thanks for playing. Oh you in the blue. On my foot? Sorry I may be blonde but I'm not THAT blonde. You ma'am, yes you behind the balding man. Under the couch you say? Wonderful! Please stand up, take a bow. Someone get this woman a cookie.
All right now that I wasted five minutes on an imaginary scenario playing out in my head, it's time to brush my teeth. Okay toothbrush, tooth brush… I know it is somewhere in this area. Oh come on, it's gotta at least be near the tooth paste. Ha-Ha! Victory is mine. Now that I am officially brushing my teeth I'd better go put a shirt on. I know what you're thinking, but have no fear. I can multi-task!
Now comes the tricky part. Putting my shirt over my head with my toothbrush in my mouth. Here I go. Arms in sleeves. Shirt raised, poised right above my head. Toothbrush held steadily in my mouth. Head going through neck hole and the rest is pie.
-Knock-Knock- Huh? Oh crap! I've been distracted. Oh crap I'm stuck! Don't panic, do NOT panic. It's probably just Mina.
"Serena? It's Darien." Crap! Okay time to start panicking. Where is the stupid opening in this shirt. It was there just one second ago. Damn tooth brush. Oh man I can't get the shirt on without getting toothpaste on the shirt. And I can't seem to get my arms out. Okay keep cool. Worst things could be happening right now. Wait, is that my doorknob turning?
"Serena? The door was open I hope you don't mind…" Immediately my body turns toward his voice. Bad idea. My arms above my head, my head not even visible and oh yes the icing on the cake, my bra in plain site.
"You know usually this doesn't happen until AFTER the date." He's laughing at me and I'm stuck in a t-shirt. Please Lord strike me down. Okay time to run for the bathroom. I'm in the bathroom and slam the door shut. I cannot believe that jerk! How dare he come into my home and insult me, AGAIN! I should just kick him out on his ass, he deserves it. First things first, shirt goes on rest of body.
-…………………………………………………
I've been in the bathroom for exactly eight minutes and thirty-two seconds, thirty-three seconds, thirty…anyways you get the point. Time to go out there and teach that little boy some manners. Prepare world, man hater Serena Carter is back with a vengeance.
"All right mister, get out." Innocent bystanders take cover.
"I don't understand." Aw he looks so cute when he's confused.
"You think you can come into my home and insult me? Well buster you have another thing coming. You can just go and enjoy your balls yourself because I don't want anything to do with them!" I'm talking about the charity balls you pervert! Get your mind out of the gutter.
"But just this morning you said on the phone…" Time to shut him up.
"I can explain that very easily. Someone slipped me cracked! Now get out!" Teach him to laugh at me in my own home.
"God damn woman! First you're all doughy eyed over me on the phone and now you're yelling at me to get out of your house! What is it with you women! Do you love tormenting us men?" Women tormenting men? I think that little slut has it backwards.
"You actually have the nerve to come into a woman's home and tell her that her gender torments YOUR gender! Okay maybe someone slipped YOU some crack too!" Honestly why do men always try to play the victim? Oh my girlfriend caught me cheating and set all my clothes on fire. I called my girlfriend fat and she won't stop crying, please someone help me! Well boo-hoo! We're the ones who have to put up with their non-sense.
"Well after talking to you I sure hope whoever slipped me some crack has more!" Oh that slimy, low down, little worm.
"Why you arrogant, egotistical, ass!" Come on buddy I dare you to say something back!
"At least I'm not a cynical, shrew!"
"Did you just call me a shrew?" I am not even near the shrew category.
"Well if the shoe fits!" That's it, claws are coming out.
"I'd rather be a cynical, shrew than a slut!" And that's the damn truth!
"Well gee, perhaps if you uncrossed your legs maybe once you'd get something between them!" Oh that's low, even for an asshole like him. Wow is it hot in here or is it just me? Mmm….He sure does look sexy in the heat of an argument…. And his skin looks so irresistible. Maybe just a light touch on his cheek.
"Are you as hot as me?" Oh his voice is so seductive.
"Hotter." And then his lips were on mine. His kiss, so passionate and yet so possessive. Oh no, I'm losing this battle aren't I? Stop Serena. Pull away. No, stay, please. His lips are so soft and so sensual. When was the last time you were kissed like this?
-Ring- He kisses so damn good my ears are ringing. -Ring- Wha…? Maybe it's not his kisses. -Ring- I think it's the phone….
"Just let the machine get it…" Ahh! Bad Serena! Very bad! Okay come on, just push him away. Place your hands firmly on his chest and push, hard. Wow, his chest is rock hard. Maybe just a little longer…
"Serena, honey, it's your mother. I just wanted you to know that rash on your father's back isn't anything serious. Turns out he's allergic to peanuts. It's the funniest thing. I mean you know how much your father loves those planter's peanuts. Apparently his body built up….oh what did the doctor call it….oh yes…." Mom never did remember there are time limits to answering machines.
"All right, let's take that as a sign from God that what we were just doing is a sin against nature. The door is on your left, have a wonderful evening." Beautifully done Serena. Now exit gracefully and all will be right in the world.
"Oomph!" Damnit, didn't I move that shoe? All right since my first choice didn't work out so well I'll just lie here on the floor and wait for him to leave. What the…why is there a waffle stuck to my ceiling? Note to self: When kid brother is house-sitting remove all food from house.
"The ball is formal. I'll be wearing a black tuxedo and a white domino mask. It's sort of like a masquerade ball. And like I said earlier it's about five different parties thrown into one. The reason I say that is because there are five different themes. So I hope you don't mind I chose the masquerade. Is that all right?" Huh? Did the rock, hard chest with lips just say something? I'll just nod, as if I were actually listening.
"Wonderful. It starts at seven o' clock sharp. So I'll pick you up at a quarter after six. Don't worry about transportation I have everything planned. I do suggest though, you bring a small amount of money for the charity. Just so they don't keep bothering you all night." Oh wow, he has such gorgeous blue eyes. They're so mesmerizing.
"I know I'm gorgeous but at least make some kind of gesture to show you're acknowledging what I'm saying." Time for angry eyes. How can a man be so utterly charming one moment and then so totally repulsive the next? It is one of life's true mysteries.
"Listen pal, I'm only going because it's for charity. You just happen to be my only way to be able to make a contribution. Though I do hope you bought three tickets because it seems you can never leave home without your ego in tow." Ba da bum chhh. I would honestly love it, if I had a personal drummer who followed me around everywhere with his portable drum set and played that after every joke. That would sure as hell make life more interesting.
"Right, 'charity.' Well I'm glad you chose to be charitable with me." He smirks too much. I hate that, a lot.
"Whatever. Goodnight Darien." Maybe after the eighth time he'll get the hint and finally leave.
"What? No goodnight kiss?" I cannot believe he's puckering his lips at me. What a dink.
"GOODNIGHT DARIEN." I slammed the door right in his face. Oh that was so much fun. I haven't slammed a door in a guys face since my dad paid my cousin to take me to my seventh grade homecoming dance. My cousin was dressed in the most hideous tuxedo ever. I couldn't help but shut the door in his face. No man should ever wear ruffles. And no woman should ever have to be seen with a man who would gladly look like a potato chip.
"Goodnight, beautiful Serena." Please kill me now.
-……………………………………………..
I hope it was worth the wait. Tell me what ya think. And please feel free to make suggestions.