SCRUBS
PENULTIMATE EPISODE – MY BAD DAY
WRITTEN BY RORY MCCROSSAN
DECEMBER 2005
Given the speculation about whether Scrubs will return for a sixth season (it's contract with NBC only goes to season five), I got to thinking about how I would end the show myself. I began working my way back from the end I thought of until I had too many ideas to fit in one episode. So consider this as Part 1 of 2.
There's only really two assumptions I've made about the plot for the season:
1) Turk and Carla gave up trying for a baby after Turk came clean to Carla about not being ready yet.
2) Elliot and Jake spend the majority of the season in a relationship.
I'd like to thank Rachel Liu for help with some of the medical jargon.
There is also a PDF version of this, which is far easier to read than it is below, at www.rewardbankingde.co.uk/5xx.pdf
So, armed with that information, please feel free to delve on in. I hope you enjoy it. As always, let me know your feedback and comments, my email is rory.mccrossan@p-mm.co.uk
FADE IN
INT. J.D.'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM – DAY
J.D. is asleep in bed.
Sometimes you know right from the second you open your eyes, some days are going to make you wish you never had the misfortune of waking up in the first place.
He awakens and looks at his alarm clock. It's flashing as if it lost power. The digital display reads 02:12. He reaches out an arm to the other side of his bed, accidentally knocking over an empty glass.
Crap.
He sits up and reaches to the table by his bedside for a wristwatch. He looks at it.
Oh crap!
He leaps up from his bed.
INT. J.D.'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
He struggles trying to put his scrubs bottoms on as he walks across the room, before landing in a heap on the floor by the couch.
Woo, M&M's.
J.D.'S THOUGHTS (V.O.)
No, don't have time for breakfast!
Gonna be late! Gonna be late!
J.D.'S NARRATION (V.O.)
Still it's the little things which happen that keep you going.
Well, it is the most important meal.
TURK walks down the hallway. CARLA comes out from a patient's room and catches up to him.
Hey, baby, you got a few minutes? I need to talk to you.
TURK
If it's about the stains on the ceiling, I can explain.
TURK and TODD stand over a table opposite J.D. On the table are six cans of beer.
Gentlemen. The rules of Beer Roulette are simple. Before you are six cans. One of these cans has been shaken to the point of bursting. You must select a can and open it. If it does not explode you must chug the contents. If it explodes... you lose. Any questions?
The Gentleman on the left will now commence play.
RESUME
Well, you see -
(to Carla)
Oh, one sec.
(into phone)
Hello.
J.D. is riding his scooter. He has his scrubs top on, although his coat and backpack are only through one arm and are bellowing in the wind behind him.
(into phone)
Turk! Dude, I need help, I am so late!
TURK
(from phone)
What can I do!
INT. SACRED HEART, HALLWAY – DAY
CARLA looks on at TURK as she follows him down the hall.
(into phone)
Okay, I got you man.
Be right back, baby!
(to self)
The test was positive.
J.D. enters the car park on his scooter and speeds along. As he gets to the entrance he slips off the back and lets the scooter carry on, "ghost rider" style. He runs into the hospital, past a group of nurses.
Just call me Evel, ladies!
TURK rushes down the hall, dodging patients and staff.
EXT. SACRED HEART, CAR PARK – DAY
The scooter is still motoring along by itself. TURK emerges from a doorway and jumps on the back of it, he slams the rear brake on and spin turns it into a parking space.
Oh, hell yeah! Come on people, let me hear your love!
Turk! Turk! Turk! Turk!
RESUME.
Turk is sitting on the scooter, eyes closed, arms raised aloft in victory, with no one around him, it was a fantasy.
Turk!
You okay, T-man?
TURK
Dude, tell me you saw that. Tell me someone saw that!
Awww, son of a -
J.D. hurriedly walks down the hall towards his office. He glances at his watch one more time.
Ha-ha! The perfect crime.
INT. SACRED HEART, J.D.'S OFFICE – DAY
J.D. is greeted by the sight of DR. KELSO sitting in his chair.
Ah, crap.
DR. KELSO
Good morning, Dr. Dorian.
J.D.
Morning, sir.
DR. KELSO
How about, seen as you're still yet to start your work day, you and me play a little game? I call it, "Spot the most downright shoddy excuse for an attending in this hospital", and do you know what? I think I win.
J.D.
Sir, I'm sorry about the lateness, I can explain.
Dammit, didn't think he'd go for it. Okay, go with the alarm, it's the truth. No wait, say you thought it was the start of daylight savings. No, that doesn't make sense. Besides, even I wouldn't believe that. Ahh, what the hell, you're going down either way. Flip a coin.
DR. KELSO
Well?
J.D.
My alarm didn't go off.
DR. KELSO
Oh I see, sport! Did your doggie eat your homework too?
Dr. Dorian, if I wanted lame excuses I'd be talking to my housekeeper about the movies on my cable bill. As it is, I expect to see you here early every morning for the next week, and you can bet your life I will be keeping an eye on you.
Should have gone with daylight savings. Stupid coin.
ELLIOT, dressed in casual clothes stands leaning against the counter. CARLA walks over to her.
Elliot? Hi! What are you doing here?
ELLIOT
Oh, I have the week off from work.
It had been two weeks since Elliot had found out Jake had been cheating on her and dumped him. She seemed to be coping surprisingly well.
CARLA
So... why are you here?
ELLIOT
Well, I thought I'd spend some time back at the old place. See how people were coping without me, you know?
I'd finished decorating my apartment and I was bored.
CARLA
Ooh, did you go with the rose stencils?
ELLIOT
Yup, and I got rid of that stupid partition wall in the kitchen too.
CARLA
Did you get someone in to do it for you?
ELLIOT stands wearing goggles and hard-hat. Dustsheets cover all her furniture. She pulls a large sledgehammer to her shoulder. Pinned to the wall is a life-size picture of Jake. She starts yelling and screaming as she begins bashing hell out of the picture/wall, starting with the crotch, naturally.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ELLIOT'S APARTMENT – DAY – FLASHBACK
Two of her neighbours emerge from their apartment. They can hear Elliot's muffled screams and the banging.
Sounds like those two are back together then.
Nope, did it all by myself.
Sorry Elliot, I've gotto go. Meet me in the cafeteria in an hour?
ELLIOT
'Kay.
J.D.'S NARRATION (V.O.)
There's nothing like having good friends around to help you through hard times.
Well look here, if it isn't Dr. Barbie. So tell me, how goes life in 'Spinster Towers'?
INT. SACRED HEART, HALLWAY – DAY
TURK and TODD walk down the hallway, Todd dressed for playing basketball, Turk in his scrubs. Todd carries the ball under his arm.
Hey, have you seen the new nurse in paediatrics?
TURK
No. Why?
TODD
Dude! I am talking major hot mama.
TURK
What's her name?
Have you even talked to her?
TODD
Why would I need to? I have a camera phone. Watch out, incoming.
Don't you move! I need to talk to you, stay right there!
Did she find out about 'beer roulette'?
TURK
No. Besides, I'm more worried about her finding out about 'boiled egg table tennis'.
TODD
Yeah, that was some night. So, you coming or what?
Bring it.
TODD
Yeah! Be-a-man-five!
INT. SACRED HEART, PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM – DAY
A jovial middle aged man, MR. PETERSON, lays in his bed. J.D. enters the room with a chart.
Hey, Mr. Peterson, how are you feeling today?
MR. PETERSON
A lot better actually, now that food is going out the right end again. How are you doc?
J.D.
Me? I'm living in the day from hell, but thanks for asking.
MR. PETERSON
Hey, uh, listen.
Can you apologise to that nice nurse for me again? I felt so bad after I... you know, I gave her a cheque to pay for her shoes.
J.D.
Well that's what happens when you sneak food in when you're not supposed to be eating.
MR. PETERSON
True, but where's the fun in that?
J.D.
Anyway, good news, I've got your test results back and everything's clear. So you're free to go home.
MR. PETERSON
Fantastic, thanks doc.
See, I told you it was just my wife's cooking. We've been married twenty-one years, and I swear she's still trying to poison me.
CARLA is working at the station. DR. KELSO approaches.
Nurse Turkleton, I need you to get a urine sample from the patient in three-fourteen.
CARLA
Yes sir.
Turk! Where did you go? Didn't I tell you to wait for me earlier? Look, I really need to –
DR. KELSO
Nurse, did I give you an order?
Uh, yes sir.
DR. KELSO
Oh, I thought I did. I just wanted to see if you had any specific reason why you were still standing there gossiping?
CARLA
No sir.
(to Turk)
I'll be back for you later.
(to Turk)
I hope whatever you did was worth it.
TURK
So do I man, 'cause I don't have a clue.
Say, Bobbo, dare I ask why you seem to be riding the minions more than usual? I mean, you're so damn uptight I couldn't even pull a pin outta your ass with a tractor.
DR. KELSO
Enid's sister is staying with us for the week. I ran out of sedatives. You do the math, Perry.
DR. KELSO stands in his kitchen washing up. His dog, BAXTER, sits near him.
Bob, get me a white wine will you?
DR. KELSO
Yes dear.
ENID'S SISTER (O.S.)
Yes Bob, and I'll have one too. Make mine a double!
(to Baxter)
Kill boy! Kill!
RESUME
Ooh that's tough.
INT. SACRED HEART, CAFETERIA – DAY
ELLIOT sits at a table waiting for Carla. The JANITOR notices her.
Hey, little lady, how are you?
ELLIOT
Janitor! I'm... I'm good, I'm okay. I'm... I've been better. How are you?
JANITOR
You know me, scrub scrub scrub, hard at work.
The JANITOR sits in a darkened closet asleep, snoring loudly with a book covering his face. NURSE ROBERTS enters. She huffs as she reaches to a shelf and picks up a package. She exits and slams the door hard on her way out. The noise startles the janitor who screams and falls off his chair.
RESUME
He takes a seat opposite Elliot, wincing and rubbing his sore posterior as he does so.
I'm glad you're here, I could really use a friendly face to talk to.
JANITOR
Having a tough time?
Hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling a bit down?
Come on, I'll show you.
J.D. walks towards his scooter. It has been entirely covered in pink wrapping paper.
Sasha! Not again!
Janitor!
The JANITOR and ELLIOT are poking their noses out from behind a parked ambulance watching J.D. trying to free his scooter.
Et voila!
ELLIOT
So it's true! You really do harass him?
JANITOR
I... thought everyone already knew?
ELLIOT
Yeah we do.
JANITOR
Why didn't you say anything before then?
Meh.
INT. SACRED HEART, ADMISSIONS – DAY
TURK stands by the front desk biting his nails. J.D. enters.
Hey man. What are you up to?
TURK
Carla beeped me and told me to get my "punk ass to admissions" and stay there.
J.D.
Oh God, you don't think she found the boiled egg you volleyed into the bedroom and couldn't find!
TURK
Relax, she's not picked that one up on her radar yet. Still don't know what the hell I've done though. So what are you up to?
J.D.
Well I was going to go out and –
Uh oh, gotto go.
Lunchtime!
Come with me.
Page a doctor!
INT. SACRED HEART, I.C.U – DAY
J.D. walks through on his way back into the hospital.
One thing I've learned working here, is that no matter how bad things get.
There's always room for them to get much, much worse.
J.D.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
INT. SACRED HEART, ADMISSIONS – DAY
J.D. runs in from the hallway. A group of interns and nurses, including CARLA and NURSE ROBERTS, have surrounded the collapsed man, MR. PETERSON, who is lying on the floor convulsing amid a fit. J.D. rushes in to take charge. He barks out orders but is drowned out by...
Although sometimes, all it takes to make your day brighter is someone to make you smile.
ELLIOT and the JANITOR walk up the ramp. The janitor is mid anecdote of the pranks he's played on J.D.
...And he honestly thought I was going to help him get to her apartment. It wasn't until I dumped him in the crap hole of nowhere he got the idea.
INT. SACRED HEART, DR. KELSO'S OFFICE – DAY
J.D. sits opposite DR. KELSO at his desk.
Tell me Dr. Dorian, where exactly is your confusion with the way a hospital works? Let me spell it out for you so there's no more misunderstanding. Sick people walk in, we treat them, we take their money and they leave healthy. Everyone's happy. But obviously you don't quite understand that...
And sometimes it helps to simply vent your frustration at the world.
TURK and TODD sit on the sofa, playing a console game.
Yes! And that would be four to nothing. And that would mean you owe me...
Twenty-four bucks. I own yo' sorry ass!
TODD
Double or nothing?
TURK
Or you could just give me all your money right now.
And, like I said before, sometimes it's just the little things that keep you going.
CARLA
Turk, we need to talk.
TURK
Two secs baby, while I learn Todd not to toy with the big dog!
CARLA
Turk, I'm pregnant.
Yes! Bring it home to daddy!
ACT TWO
INT. J.D.'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM – DAY
J.D. lies asleep in his bed. He wakes as his alarm goes off.
# "Back In Black" By AC/DC begins to play #
Sometimes you know right from the second you open your eyes, it's going to be a good day.
1. J.D. picks up the newspaper from his front door. An advertisement down the side of the paper reads "Opening soon: Old Macdonald's Funhouse", with pictures of slides and ball pits.
Sweet!
3. He puts on his scrubs and reaches in to the pocket and pulls out a twenty.
Super sweet!
Hellooo.
Hmmm, better not.
5. J.D. walks past a doorway. A mop handle pokes out from the door and hooks his foot. He falls flat on his face. The music stops with a screech as he falls. He quickly picks himself up and looks around to see if anyone saw him. He moves off.
Still a good day.
ELLIOT and the JANITOR stand with their backs pressed up against the wall. Elliot holds on to the mop.
Did you get him?
Well that's the last test, you are now... an honourary janitor.
ELLIOT
I've never been happier!
JANITOR
Listen, I've been trying to think of a few more things we can do, what do you reckon to –
ELLIOT and the JANITOR stand at the foot of a bed which J.D. lies strapped to, a length of 2x4 between his ankles. Elliot holds a sledgehammer, ala "Misery".
Elliot, whatever you're thinking about, don't do it.
ELLIOT
Now don't fuss, J.D.
J.D.
Elliot, for God's sake, please!
And then you take your sledgehammer and...
Or I could take the sledgehammer...
Too far?
INT. TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT – DAY
TURK sits on the sofa in the exact same position as he was when Carla told him she was pregnant. CARLA enters from the bedroom in her robe.
Turk? When did you get up?
Did you even come to bed last night?
Turk? Are you okay? ...Turk!
Thanks.
CARLA
Baby, what are you thinking?
TURK
I honestly don't know.
CARLA
Talk to me. Are you scared?
No. No, I'm not.
CARLA
Then what is it?
TURK
It's just... like, I don't know. It's like I don't feel mature enough to be a parent. You know?
I mean, I still love watching Scooby Doo. I laugh at people falling over. Hell, it was only last month I figured out how to pee without sprinkling the seat!
When I was a kid my parents always seemed like they knew exactly what to do. They always helped me, and they were always there for me. I just... I just don't feel like I'm ready to have that kind of responsibility. I know you are. Hell, baby, you mother me every single day, but I just can't help but doubt myself.
Look, baby, I don't think anyone is ever fully ready. I know deep down I'm not, despite what you think. But I believe being a parent is one of those things you learn to do because you have to.
And don't ever forget, when you're worried, and scared and full of doubt, that's why I'm here.
So. We're having a baby?
CARLA
'Fraid so.
When did the Todd leave?
Morning roomies! Best night's sleep I ever had! Who's making the waffles?
J.D. walks through the hallway toward the nurses station.
It's a well known fact that seeing someone smile makes people happier. And today is so good, I feel like smiling!
P.O.V. J.D.
DR. KELSO comes up to him, as if to say something, but sighs and walks off. J.D. continues on passed various staffers, and seeing him, they smile too.
INT. SACRED HEART, NURSES' STATION - CONTINUOUS
J.D., still smiling, arrives at the station and stands next to DR. COX. NURSE ROBERTS stands over the counter from them.
My God Clarabel, do I need to issue you a drug test or would it be easier if I just go ahead and count up the number of pills missing from the pharmacy?
J.D.'S NARRATION (V.O.)
Of course it only takes one thing to wipe the smile from your face.
NURSE ROBERTS
Smiley, you might wanna take a look at Mr. Peterson's C.T. results.
Oh no.
Still feel like smiling?
Hey sweetie, just F.Y.I., we're having dinner at my mother's tonight.
(to J.D.)
Welcome to my world.
ELLIOT and CARLA sit at a table.
Oh my God, Carla! Congratulations!
Turk is the father, right?
Sorry. So, how are you feeling?
TURK and J.D. stand by the desk. DR. COX stands behind them, eavesdropping.
I'm all good, man. Took it in my stride.
TURK sits on the sofa, still in his shocked pose. TODD stands next to him, piling cushions and bottles etc. on his lap and on top of his head.
Dude!
I'm talking, like a pro.
J.D.
Dude, Todd showed me the pictures on his phone.
TURK
Dammit.
Relax Gandhi. Remember, there's only three things you absolutely need to have to be a good parent. One, common sense. Two, earplugs. And three, the quickest route from your apartment to the ER. Easy.
Back with ELLIOT and CARLA.
I'd love to!
CARLA
So how have you been? We never got a chance to talk yesterday.
ELLIOT
I kept myself going.
J.D. opens his locker and thousands of cotton balls fall out – it was packed to the brim.
RESUME
I've been busy.
Elliot. Remember who you're talking to.
ELLIOT
It's just lately, I've found myself thinking back over all the boyfriends I've ever had. And I realised, I'm thirty years old, and I've only been in four relationships that lasted longer than three months. If I hadn't drank two boxes of wine that night and passed out on the floor, I probably would have cried.
But it wasn't only that. Of those four guys, there was only one I was really myself with. Who I didn't feel the need to put up some kind of façade, to hide who I really am, you know?
J.D. walks through looking in to the room of MR. PETERSON.
I knew giving the news to Mr. Peterson was bound to send my good day down the crapper. So I tried to think of ways I could lighten the blow.
MR. PETERSON lies in his bed, he's laughing heartily.
PAN TO
J.D. standing at the end of the bed tickling Mr. Peterson's feet with a giant feather.
RESUME
Hmmmm, nah.
Again in his bed, MR. PETERSON sits up watching J.D. put on a puppet show at the foot of the bed. One of the puppets clubs the other repeatedly with a miniature bat. Mr. Peterson claps.
(voicing one of the puppets)
Thank you! Thank you!
But I knew deep down, it was never going to work.
INT. SACRED HEART, I.C.U. SEMI-PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM – DAY
J.D. sits at the bedside of MR. PETERSON.
A brain tumor?
J.D.
It's the reason behind your fit yesterday, and for your vomiting.
So what are my options?
J.D.
There's really two choices. Non-invasive management using Chemotherapy, or surgery. A craniotomy.
MR. PETERSON
But surgery has more chance of success?
In your case. Although it's possible that the entire tumor may not be fully removed...
I admired Mr. Peterson, the way he never seemed to let anything affect him.
MR. PETERSON
Well, in my time I've learned enough to know that if you don't take a chance every once in a while, you always end up wondering what could have been. So that kinda narrows it down. Surgery.
J.D.
Okay. I'll get it scheduled in.
MR. PETERSON
Thank you doctor. For everything.
Can I just ask you something?
MR. PETERSON
Shoot.
J.D.
Do you ever worry about the decisions you make? About whether you're doing the right thing?
MR. PETERSON
I find it's a lot like when you're in a public toilet. You're in your cubicle, you drop your pants and park your cheeks on the seat, and you realise it's already warm. Now don't get me wrong, it feels kinda nice, but it really is best not to think about it too much.
J.D.
What a fantastic sentiment.
MR. PETERSON
I thought so.
J.D.'S NARRATION (V.O.)
I couldn't help but wonder where I'd be right now if I'd done things differently. But ultimately I think the risks we face come down to fate.
INT. TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT – DAY
TURK and CARLA lay on the couch watching T.V. Turk has his hand on Carla's stomach.
Like when you know your life is about to change forever.
A group of orderlies followed by several surgeons wheel MR. PETERSON's bed back in to the ward. He waves to J.D. as he goes.
Or when your life is in the balance.
That's nice job, newbie. Hell, there may just be some hope for you yet.
TURK and CARLA sit at a table surrounded by TODD, ELLIOT, J.D. and NURSE ROBERTS. There's several empty bottles and glasses already on the table. Elliot looks worse for wear.
Or when your feel like your life is going nowhere.
ELLIOT
(to Carla, slurring)
You think I should I go talk to him?
CARLA
Probably not a good idea.
Ooh what about that guy? He looks nice.
Elliot!
Baby leave her, it's for the best.
J.D.
So have you guys thought of any names yet?
No we haven't.
TURK
(covering)
Nope. Not yet.
Hey, how about –
CARLA
We're not naming the baby after you, Todd. For starters it's a girl.
TURK
What? How do you know?
CARLA
Mother's intuition.
TODD
You could name a girl Todd.
Okay, how about something original. Like 'Texas Pete'?
(snaps fingers)
'Howlin' Pete'!
NURSE ROBERTS
Explain to me how the hell you are a surgeon.
TODD
I know. I am a miracle.
(slurring)
Here's to Carla!
To Turk!
Here's to...! To... !
Have you guys thought of a name yet?
Okay Elliot, time to go. I'm taking you home.
But I'm having fun! And they don't want me to go.
(quietly to J.D.)
Dude, you don't have to go. Seriously, there's a dumpster outside. We'll just come back and get her in the morning. She'll never know!
J.D.
No it's okay. I've an early start tomorrow anyway. Come on Elliot.
TODD
(quietly to Nurse Roberts)
Do you think she's drunk enough to have sex with me yet?
Not even close.
ELLIOT sits on a bench. J.D. approaches carrying two cups of coffee. He hands one to Elliot. She's sobered up a little.
J.D. we've been out here hours. Can we go home yet?
J.D.
Here.
ELLIOT
Another one? I'm gonna need to pee again if I drink this.
J.D.
That's okay. There's plenty of other bushes.
You know, I realised something the other day.
J.D.
What's that?
ELLIOT
Of the men I've been in a relationship with. There was only one person who I truly felt comfortable with. Do you know who?
J.D.
Elliot stop. Otherwise you're gonna say something you really regret, and you're gonna feel horrible in the morning, and I'm going to feel awkward right now, and it's going to make you want to pee even more than you already do.
ELLIOT
Yeah, you're probably right.
(beat)
It was you.
BRIGHT WHITE FLASH TO:
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
J.D. is sitting looking at ELLIOT as he was a few seconds before. It was another fantasy.
What are you thinking?
J.D.
Nothing.
I've learned enough to know that if you don't take a chance every once in a while, you always end up wondering what could have been.
Elliot, I don't think this is a good idea. Look, I know you feel abandoned right now, but I'm not going to take advantage, okay. Elliot, I'm always here for you. As a friend.
Here you go. Come on.
Thanks J.D.
Any time.
We can still share a taxi can't we?
J.D.
I think I'm gonna walk home. It's a nice night. Not too far to go.
ELLIOT
Oh, okay. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
And sometimes there's the decisions you make instinctively.
J.D.! Wait!
P.O.V. CAR
Closing on Elliot. J.D. pushes her out of the way as the headlights intensity increases on him.
CUT TO BLACK