From the Heart

I needed to get some off of my chest. LSF Revan/Carth fluff and some other stuff… It's cute, with angst halfway through. Just read it.

Rated PG13

Disclaimer: I can't keep the rating beneath PG13. I try and I try and I try. –tears-

From the Heart

A blanket of snow covered the Ebon Hawk, so that it was barely visible amongst the stark white buildings surrounding it. A cold draft teased the snow over the engines, and a small flock of birds rushed overhead, screaming and squawking, flapping their wings for all it was worth. A sign creaked lazily in the background, over the monotonous hum of machinery. Winter had arrived at the Tirrowwin station.

The Ebon Hawk had touched down at the station the night before, for fuel and supplies before it cut directly to Manaan. There had been a slight chill in the air that night, and many of the long-time workers knew this was a sign, but no one had taken the cue. All of the ships were now grounded, weighted down by pounds upon pounds of snow and ice, and frozen fuel tanks.

The Tirrowwin station was actually a fair-sized moon; one side was all residential, and the other was a service station, with a single, absurdly enormous center for buying supplies, and a good stretch of white cement pocked with landing pads. The station's theme was simply white. The buildings were white, the ground was white, the market booths were dressed in white silks. The snow added to the reality of it, bringing it some sort of strange peace.

Nothing moved that morning on the Tirrowwin station. Everyone had holed up in their homes or ships with the food and warmth they had. The same could be said for the Ebon Hawk crew.

Everyone had cluttered into the main area, for that was where the most heat was. Juhani had kindly turned up the heat, burning most of their remaining fuel, but it was needed. Everyone had wrapped up in their warmest blankets, and each person held a warm caffa between their hands, if not to drink, for the warmth.

"This sucks," Mission grumbled. All of the color had drained from her headtails, turning them a scary whitish blue, and her nose was bright pink. She shook her head. "Why did we stop here?"

"It was the only place for fuel nearby," Juhani explained.

"You should be grateful that we have the supplies to eat in this weather," Zaalbar reminded her. "Winters in Kashyyyk often led to starvation, because the hunters had not the strength to go down to the Shadowlands."

Mission drew her blankets tighter around herself.

Cortana had pressed herself up against Carth for warmth, and he seemed not to mind, for once. He had been avoiding her a lot recently; it was good to see him finally relenting. Aside from him, everyone seemed to be over the fact that she was Revan. Mission even continued to bounce around her as if nothing had changed.

"I'm bored," the blue Twi'lek said presently, swinging her legs.

Jolee looked at her for a moment before he shrugged. "Not that it matters what I say," he announced, "but I wonder if any of you realize what day it is."

The crew exchanged glances.

"No," said Cortana, looking back at him. "What day is it?"

"Tirrowwin revolves around the planet Gomad," said Jolee. "Gomad's new-years holiday is called Rolicath. During Rolicath, friends and family exchange gifts and throw snow."

"Sounds fun," said Cortana wryly. She wasn't one for touchy-fuzzy.

"Oh, you're sour, you," said Mission. "Go kiss a lemon."

"C'mere, Carth."

Mission began laughing hysterically. Carth glowered.

"I am not a lemon."

"Says who?"

"Me."

"Since when does anyone listen to a lemon?"

"I am not a lemon, sister."

"Oh, so now I'm a lemon's sister?"

"I – oh, forget it." He shook his head, inching away from her.

Juhani was stifling a grin with her hand. Jolee joined Mission's giggle fit.

"Do we have to go out and buy each other something?" Canderous said, wrinkling his nose. "I'm not one for something like that. Can't we… I don't know… share pleasant stories instead?"

"As if you have anything pleasant to say," Bastila told him, folding her arms and narrowing her eyes at him.

Canderous chuckled. Carth grinned.

"I suppose we could exchange… sentimental gifts," said Jolee. "I, however, find it easier to present feelings with material items."

Here Mission was laughing so hard Zaalbar had to thump her on the back to get her to breathe. She spat her juices onto the floor and shuddered as she inhaled. Her face slowly returned to its normal shade of blue.

"We'll get to it then, since this is such a… important holiday," said Cortana. She looked around at them all, as if daring them to argue. They didn't. She smiled. "I don't think the main shopping centre is shut. Who wants to stay here to work on their presents?"

She raised her hand; Canderous and Bastila did as well, and Zaalbar, who lacked the smarts to shop alone. Slowly, those who were going to leave left, and Mission was the last one out.

"Good luck," she said, winking. "Make me something good, m'kay?"

"We'll see, Mission," Cortana said. "Run along."

Mission skipped out.

With a nod and a bow, Bastila twirled away to the girls' bunk, and Canderous wandered back into the repair room. Lastly, Zaalbar headed to the medbay without a word.

------

Cortana hadn't realized how stressful a holiday could be. She could think of nothing for anybody, no matter how hard she thought. All of her personal possessions were laid out in front of her, spaced out for her to consider. She would give her friends nothing but the best, but she couldn't think of what. She couldn't buy anything – buying something meant giving them something everyone else already had. She wouldn't allow herself to do that.

Finally, she found one of her more precious items – a single silver bangle handed down from her eldest sister, crafted for the unwed ear. It clipped through at the top of the ear and dangled down to the bottom of the earlobe, a single crystal bobble. To make it special, Cortana carefully removed the jewel, and replaced it with the blue one from her lightsaber. Once she was sure it was clean and securely fastened, she wrapped it in some colored paper and set it aside.

Mission's present was complete.

Next came Bastila. For her, Cortana unearthed the an even more sacred heirloom. This one had been her mothers, before she had married. The virgin neck brace. It was to be worn always; a firm, slim ring about an inch wide, gently studded with miniscule crystals. It was worn most commonly by children and unmarried women, but occasionally an elder someone who had truly remained vigilant could be seen wearing it. Cortana was certain that Bastila would never take this neck brace off – and that was important. She wrapped the brace and put it away.

Juhani's gift was the most special of all. She would receive Cortana's prized jacket, which had weathered through so many battles, the Star Forge included. The shoulder was singed from blasterfire; the back had been stitched time and time again after being split open with swords and the like. The leather had been turned dark and hard, but the inside was still as soft and smooth as worn silk. Charily, taking her time, Cortana sewed Juhani's name onto the pocket on the right side. After she was satisfied, she wrapped that up, too, and put it next to Mission's.

Canderous was a little more difficult. Cortana couldn't sure what he wanted. She thought and thought, but she could think of nothing, and that frustrated her. She dug around for a long, long time, before she found the perfect thing. Her old blaster holster – a shoulder-rester. Their models had long since sold out after the hip-resters came around. She herself wore one of the newer ones, but this shoulder-rester was sacred in its way. She knew he would appreciate it – she could see the scars of battle upon its carefully-crafted leather. She wrapped it in cloth and set it aside.

Now it was Zaalbar's turn. At first it was difficult, because he had no fancy for touchable items, but them it became clear. With great care, she fastened him a weapon's harness from cloth. It was thin and large, perfect for getting lost in his fur, and yet could easily hold weapons for him; she had seen him pine over the state of Bacca's blade. She didn't bother to wrap this one up, and set it next to Canderous's.

To Jolee, she gave her childhood books. She had learned recently that he loved to read, and would live in a library if he could, but he would always deny it. By giving him literature from her past, she was binding him to her, and playfully barbing him with his lack of secrecy. She bound the books with a leather thong, tying it into a bow at the top, and putting it on the floor where she could remember it to be.

Carth came lastly to her mind. She had figured he would be easy. She was wrong, and it shocked her. She had nothing of importance to give him. An old, untouched blaster, sure… but that meant nothing. She puzzled over it, growing more and more concerned. She kept glancing at her lightsaber, as if it could give her answers, but it wouldn't. She could give him a hug… hah. No… She swore violently and buried her face in her hands.

"What would you want?" she murmured, concerned. She looked around. She knew Carth would like his past back, but that was impossible. She searched the room with desperation, and her gaze again turned to her lightsaber.

And then she understood.

------

"The afternoon is dragging," said Bastila. "Where is everyone?" She, Canderous, Cortana, and Zaalbar had joined up in the main area to wait for the others, who still hadn't returned. "Surely this 'Rolicath' isn't that difficult."

"We must have patience," Zaalbar reasoned.

Cortana kicked the main consol with vexation. "If they don't hurry up, this whole holiday will be over, the idiots."

"Peace, Cortana," Bastila murmured, flushing.

Cortana bit her lip and fell into a resentful silence. Canderous chuckled.

Finally, the loading ramp opened with a hiss, and the rest of the crew came onboard, passing large bags between them.

"Let's get to it," said Jolee warmly, spreading his gifts over the table. The others followed suit, gazing with interest at the various presents before them.

"Who goes first?"

"I will," said Mission, passing out handfuls of presents. In silence, they opened their gifts; Zaalbar was given a large cake and proceeded to thank her by eating it whole. White icing flecked over his dark chest and he bellowed a gratitude to her, spraying them all in the remains of the cake. Cortana blanched and brushed herself off, feeling ill.

Carth was given some kind of birth control. Startled and mortified, he stammered incoherently for a moment before he 'accidentally' lost it (Bastila caught him flushing the stuff down the 'fresher later).

The rest of the gifts were handed off quickly and efficiently. Jolee and Canderous exchanged enthralling stories by mouth, and most of the material possessions were forgotten. Carth's gifts were thoughtful and touching; Bastila's were appropriate and sensible but not treasured; Juhani's gifts were awkward but warming; Zaalbar's could not be understood; Mission's were enormous and grand. Cortana came last, and left to her room so that she could pass out what she had gotten. When she returned she pulled her presents out from behind. Everyone was moved by what she brought them.

Bastila was flustered, looking over the virgin neck brace. "I…" she began, but could think of nothing to say. Her ears turned a faint pink and she carefully clasped the brace around her neck. It was half-hidden behind her collar, but the effect was nice all the same. Mission was lost in her earring, her mouth agape. Juhani immediately put on her vest, and Zaalbar his weapon harness. Canderous smiled at Cortana and thanked her, though he had no guns small enough to fit inside her present. Jolee almost forgot everyone was there when he began reading her stories.

Carth watched her, a horrible, broken look on his face. She looked at him and flashed him an encouraging smile. He wasn't reassured.

"I didn't forget you, you nerf-herder," she said, shaking her head.

He stared silently. She had nothing else on her that could be a gift. He said nothing.

"Oh, don't, now," she said. "I saved it for you for a reason. Let me fetch it." She strode past, and Carth followed her with his eyes, ignoring the knowing smirk on Jolee's face.

"Don't allow yourself to overreact to this gift," said Bastila, squirming.

He looked at her with hard eyes. "What?"

"I sense this will mean a great something to you. Don't act rashly. Her fate leans in the balance, Carth. Don't lead her astray."

He frowned. "I don't…"

"I can feel it through our bond. Don't question me."

"But –"

Cortana's footsteps echoed loudly as she came back. Both stuttered into silence and looked up as she strode in. There was a bounce in her step, showing off her good mood. She held something behind her back again, and she bowed to him, but only low enough to keep her gift hidden. Carth remained quiet for now; the entire room watched her as she allowed herself to sink to her knee.

Slowly, she brought her hands out from behind her back. Clasped tightly in her fingers was her lightsaber.

The silence was crushing. No one was even breathing now, much less Carth, who was so stunned he had frozen up. The only movement was Cortana, trembling, her fingers turning whiter and whiter with every second as she tightened her grip on her weapon. Finally, when the metal casing gave a protesting whine, the crew was snapped out of their shocked stupor.

"W-What… what's this?" Carth said softly.

She looked up at him; her eyes flashed and flickered with her emotional battle inside. A smirk twitched on her face, torn between amusement and a strange, half-lust. "My lightsaber."

"No… I-I… wh… why?"

"I'm quitting," she murmured. Suddenly her eyes grew very bright, frightening him. "For good. For you."

"B-But…"

"I realize it's what you wanted," she said, not letting him argue as she firmly handed her lightsaber to him. The lens was broken and a crystal had been removed. She meant what she was saying. She let her hands fall to her sides and knelt on both knees, turning her head up to look at him, and she looked like some slave bracing to be cuffed. "I've always been such a danger and… a-and if I stop being a Jedi… I think I can do things right and stop being some awful monster…"

"You feed before you eat," Carth told her. "You don't need to do this."

"I do, and I will."

Bastila had turned ashen. "W-what about?"

"This is not your business, Bastila," said Cortana detachedly. "I will seal off this bond as long as I may until it withers and dies. You don't need my dead weight."

Bastila was faint. Juhani held her and tried to fan her out of her shock.

"Are you sure?" said Carth uncertainly. "You can have this back if you want to change your mind…"

"This is as solid as a fraking marriage proposal, Onasi," she snapped suddenly, but a grin lit up her face. "Don't tell me you're going to reject me."

Carth flushed. Canderous chuckled softly in the back of his throat. Jolee was smiling so broadly his old face was nearly cut in two.

"I… I don't know what to say," Carth admitted sheepishly.

"Just say something," she told him. "That's all I need."

"Thank you."

She smiled and her stance suddenly turned back to its normal, confident way. "You're welcome. Don't let it go to your head."

"I'll try not to," he said, but insincerely, for the rest of the night he gazed at her with some new admiration.

------

The night wore on tirelessly, pushing ahead like some ravaged beast and tearing through the elation that flowed through the crew of the Ebon Hawk. This beast brought with it exhaustion, and before they could begin, it had ended, and they retired to sleep. Bastila was out first, naked for her new neck brace and simplistic nightgown. Mission and Juhani both slept in their underwear, murmuring to each other until they went to sleep. Cortana was left, sitting there in silence with her sleeping robes pulled tightly around her. She could not sleep.

The silence was oppressing and upsetting. She felt the Force crumbling around her as she withdrew from her Jedi status. The table beneath her bunk felt empty without her lightsaber to fill it. She felt naked without her Jedi robes hanging nearby. It would be a long, stressful road, but she would make it for Carth, because he wanted her to, no matter how much he may deny it. He wanted her to be free.

She felt hot tears sting her eyes. She determinedly ignored it, but they broke through and ran down her cheeks, chilling them in the night air. She hugged herself, because she had no one to do it for her. A small, quivering, pained moan slipped between her lips and she leaned against the wall, shaking.

A faint noise echoed from the hallway. She ignored it and curled up in bed again, turning her back to the world and losing her face in her hands. The world felt clammy and empty. Silence was beginning to prod at her, worming beneath her skin, daring her to completely release the Force.

I must.

Suddenly the bed sank and she let out a terrified scream, only to have a warm hand clasp over her mouth. She flopped and writhed, beating the air with her fists, kicking and jerking to free herself. She tried to face her attacker, but he had pressed himself against her, so that she couldn't see his face. An arm firmly wound around her waist and held her to the bed.

"Quiet," a husky voice hissed in her ear, and her efforts doubled. But she realized with a start that the voice was familiar, as was the touch, and the smell. Slowly, reluctantly, she calmed down, and he released her, letting her lay there, gasping for breath. "You okay?" the man asked gently. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"Damn, Canderous," she grunted, sitting up. "What was that about?" She massaged her temples, hunching over her knees. "You scared the living gods-know-what out of me." Her heart still fluttered madly in her chest and she pressed her fingers to her breast to calm it. She gazed up at her friend with wide eyes, but her expression was soft.

Canderous smiled at her. Juhani heaved a heavy sigh and rolled over in her bed. One, slim finger brushed against the floor and the Cathar fell silent. Cortana watched her for a moment before she glanced back at Canderous.

"Yes?"

"It's Carth," he said. "He won't sleep, and he's driving me insane. It's hard enough with Jolee's snoring. I don't need him whimpering like some sick kath hound cub."

"Oh," said Cortana. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't care. Just shut him up."

"I don't…"

"You're kidding," Canderous said desperately. "Please."

"Fine," she murmured. "But I can't make any promises."

"I don't expect you to."

Slowly, she rose, barefoot and exposed. Canderous didn't even look twice as he led her back to the boys' bunks and pointed out Carth. He flopped back in his bed and remained still. Cortana cautiously made her way to Carth's bed and sat beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder. He stared back at her and smiled meekly.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I guess I pushed everyone too far today." He sighed. "Even you."

"Is that what this is about?" she murmured. She brushed his bangs from his eyes like a caring mother. "Oh, Carth. I chose to let go."

"I can hear you sobbing… all the way across the ship… I…"

"I chose," she told him, more firmly, determinedly holding his eyes with her own. Her hand rested on his cheek, directing his gaze to her face. The other hand was pressed to his knee.

He slumped in defeat. "I'm sorry you had to make that decision, though," he said softly. "I shouldn't have even questioned your place."

"I don't mind," she mumbled, glancing back. The bunks were set between dividers, and she felt boxed in with him and his awfully warm body; even then their breath mingled in the air and their heads were nearly resting against each other.

He searched her eyes desperately for some sign. "Why did you choose?" he breathed.

She closed her eyes, thinking about it. Finally, she decided and lifted her lashes to see him watching her with raw, heavy, restrained longing. She blinked and leaned away, and the cold hissed against her skin again. "I chose so that I could lead my own life without the Jedi making my decisions," she told him, but her voice barely came out above a whisper. "I don't think I'll be taking it back. Now I… I can just live a normal life."

He let out a long breath, his eyes shining. "A normal life?"

She smiled wistfully. "An actual home and not a ship… real meals rather than synthesizer puke… no war… no hate… no Sith knocking down my door… I… I want to have a home… I want to settle down. I want to have a kid and not wonder whether or not I'll wake up and one morning and find it slain by a Jedi-hating raider. I want to live a normal life." She lifted her gaze to his face, and again tears stung her eyes. "That's all I want."

The pain between them was so strong she felt as if her organs were swelling and bursting inside. He reached out to touch her arm and she hissed with the searing agony of his contact. She looked away, trembling, gritting her teeth. Another fraction of the Force left her and she felt a blind, animal panic overtake her. Her heart beat in her ears, nearly drowning out his voice.

"Did I take that from you?"

"No," she said; her voice rasped and had become deep.

"Do you think you could find someone to settle down with?"

She turned her gaze to him, and knew her eyes had gone dark, because his face fell. "That depends on if he asks me," she said, and drew away. "Goodnight, Carth."

"Wait…"

She rose to her feet. The cold floor firmly grasped her legs, grounding her. She wavered for a moment, and he grasped her hand. She flinched, turning away her face ashamedly; her hair fell to mask her eyes.

"Don't," she pleaded.

"Cortana…"

She gave her arm a feeble jerk. In response, he pulled her back, and in a final protest, she let her legs give way. She fell soundlessly to the floor, and he still he dragged her to him, drawing her up into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry for everything."

"You can't heal everything," she told him. "Let me go." She winced as the Force was crippled somewhere else. She moaned, recoiling from him at the scalding pain, clutching her head. "Let it end. Let it end." Tears ran down her cheeks, burning them. His hands were hot against her skin, even as he tried to soothe her, and the anguish was overwhelming. She wrapped herself in her fiery loss, tangling herself in the fires of her defeat, and he claimed her, a dancing flame to light up the night.

When she woke, she woke to silence, a deadened, heavy feeling. There was nothing but the heaving of his chest against her own and his breath in her ear, and the gentle nudge of sunlight against her bare back. She was deaf. The Force was gone.

"You never asked me," she said against his chest, pressing her lips to his skin.

He didn't reply, but his firm grip around her waist was answer enough.

------

Author's Notes: This took me three days, ignoring school. Now I have a break, so I'll be uploading some more stuff. Happy Holidays or sommat. I'm not good with that kind of thing. About this story: it was meant to be a cute little holiday fic. It didn't work. I guess. Some funky angst took over again. Darn you, Funky Angst Demon.

I screwed up a chapter in Savior Self. I have to start over. Backwater Planet is a wench with hemorrhoids and won't work with me.