Disclaimer: I do not claim anything, I'm hardly brilliant enough to come up with characters such as these.
Some of you may not know this, but Humpty Dumpty had a drinking problem. Why do you think he fell off the wall. Sure, he was a nice enough guy, but he just couldn't live with out the bottle. He didn't really break into apart. Such a shame too, as you are about to find out what really happened.
It was a brisk cold morning, and Mr. Dumpty was still sitting on the wall, when he should have been at home with his wife, Frumpty Dumpty. She was probably just waking to find the bed empty, except for her. She was probably getting annoyed by his frequent absences. Dumpty didn't care, he hated his job, hated his wife and hated his life. That's why, every night after work, he would go to the nearby liquor store and stock up on bottles of booze. This particular night, he bought more than usual, for he didn't want to care to go home for a long time.
So, there he was, on that wall. A pile of bottles knee high, and him still working on one. All of a sudden a bird flew at Humpty's head. He began to wobble and was unable to balance himself, for he was quite round and the wall a little too thin. Not to mention the amount of alcohol he drank. Thus, he began to fall backwards. He grabbed at the air in a futile attempt to save himself. He was sorely mistaken. As he was falling the thirty feet to the ground, he prayed for mercy, he prayed he would be able to live to tell his wife how much he hated her, he prayed he would be able to live to quit his job.
Finally, he reached the bottom, a scream of terror emitted from below him and was abruptly cut off when he stopped falling. He rolled off his life saving cushion and saw a little girl with a red cloak and a basket of food. The poor girl had been smashed to pieces.
Oh my gosh! I've just killed Wolf Forest's Little Sweetheart! I'm surely gonna fry for this! Humpty thought to himself. He tried to think quickly, but only succeeded in giving himself a headache. A thought popped into his head, he would have to dispose of the body. Sure I never liked the bitch, but did she really deserve to die!
He gathered the pieces of her body and carried it the twenty feet to the forest and found a place under a huge evergreen tree with low hanging branches. No grass grew under here and no one would suspect the over turned earth. He didn't have a shovel, so he had to drunkenly dig the hole himself. His hands were small and would have to labor under the tree for hours. Well, at least I'll be able to sweat out the alcohol! He tried to think positively.
A couple hours, a few feet into the hole, later, a fox walked by. Luckily, Humpty was under the cover of the tree. Unluckily, he wasn't quite used to this mode of exercise, and was breathing heavily. The fox's sensitive ears picked up the sound and followed it. He lifted the branches and saw pieces of Little Red Riding Hood laying there pale and lifeless. A pool of blood had coagulated and meshed with the dirt Her beautiful blond hair blood stained and limp and her normally bright blue eyes empty. He turned his attention to the source of the sound. It was Humpty, he was digging a hole!
"You killed our forest's little sweetheart! How could you?" Exclaimed the fox.
Humpty froze at the accusation and turned to face the fox. "Robin Hood! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! It was an accident! I swear!" He stammered.
Robin's face was full of disgust and anger. He whipped out his rope and lunged at Humpty. Humpty, frozen in fear, was too late in moving. Robin bound him up in the rope and dragged him by his feet out from under the tree. He took Humpty to his band of merry men and told them to watch him, while he took care of some business.
Robin hood raced to the Miss Riding Hood's grandmother's cottage deep in the forest and told her the news. She cried and howled and clutched Robin's tunic tightly. He calmed her down and gave her a bit of Vicodin he normally carries around. She fell asleep soon after. He then raced to the Red Queen's castle and told her of the news. She became quite enraged and demanded that Humpty be brought there for judgment on his punishment. Naturally she suggested that they cut off his head, but Alice talked some sense into her. He was to also bring Miss Riding Hood's body.
Little Red Riding Hood's body was put into a beautiful and ornate glass coffin made by the seven dwarves and was put into a mausoleum. Many people came to pay their respects. Snow White came with white roses and wept silently over her coffin. It seemed she could relate. Cinderella came with a few pumpkin seeds and a glass slipper. She left quickly thereafter. Belle brought a beautiful mirror and Chip brought a little piece of porcelain. So many people loved Little Red Riding Hood.
Only two people didn't come, Mr. and Mrs. Dumpty. Humpty was sitting in a dank dungeon awaiting his sentence. Frumpty had disappeared, fearing resentment and alienation from her friends and neighbors.
After all the services had ended, the people of the kingdom went into the courtroom. Naturally, the Red Queen was the judge. The prosecutor was Alice and the defendant had to defend himself. No one wanted to be tainted by his deed. The jury, judge, prosecution and attendees threw rotten eggs and cabbages at Humpty. They all cried he was guilty. The judge immediately reached a verdict, but was unnaturally kind. She sentenced him to two years in the dungeons and then a year's probation. He would have to attend daily AA meetings.
After the two years were up, Humpty was released, but had to make a call to his parole officer, Genie. Genie told him that tomorrow would be his first meeting at noon.
The next day, he went to the AA meeting and sat down in a chair after he signed in. He looked around the room. It appeared that Jafar, Iago, Dopey, Grumpy, and Gaston were attending. Happy, their counselor walked into the room and sat down between Jafar and Humpty.
"Now, who would like to introduce themselves?" He asked cheerily. The drunks, err, alcoholics groaned. Reluctantly, Humpty raised his hand. Happy nodded towards him and he stood up.
"Hi everyone," He said quivering. "M- m- m- name is Hum- Hum- Humpty and I. Am. An. Alcoholic."
"Hi Humpty," the group said monotonously.
"I'm here because I killed that perky little bitch, Riding Hood," Humpty said angrily. He blamed his entire situation on her death.
Jafar, Iago, and Gaston cheered loudly, whileHappy frowned. Grumpy remained indifferent, he understood anger. Dopey merely stared off into space and then noticed a fly buzzing around. His eyes followed it to his nose. He went cross-eyed.
"Perhaps you should enroll in our anger management program? Grumpy is enrolled in it and he's progressing very well," Happy said. Grumpy grunted a reply.
"Ah.. I don't think I should. I'm trying to get my life back together and I don't need another waste of time activity, but thanks for the offer," Humpty said.
"That's fine," Happy smiled. The class went on, as the various dru-, ahem, alcoholics introduced themselves.
The class ended a half hour later. Humpty walked out of the building and continued on to his new apartment in Nottingham. He sat down in his recliner and relaxed. He pulled out a newspaper and checked the classifieds for a job. One he would like. A piece of paper dropped from between the folds of the newspaper. Humpty picked it up and it read:
Humpty, I will take revenge against you, for what you did!
Humpty ignored the note and continued on with his job searching. He got notes like these all the time in the slammer. Soon, he began to nod off.
It was nearly midnight when he awoke to the sound of his floor creaking. An amorphous black outlined figure flashed past the corner of his eye. He turned his head to the movement. Nothing was there. He closed his eyes for a few moments.
The floor creaked again. Humpty jumped out of the recliner and shouted, "Who's there! I'm warning you, I learned how to fight in the big house!"
The figure appeared in front of him and laughed menacingly. It's feral eyes glowed yellow.
"Get back," Humpty cried, stepping back and tripping over his ottoman. The figure growled.
"What are you going to do about it? I'll rip your throat out as soon as you move," the thing said. "I may do it now, for you have taken away from what was right fully mine."
"What are you talking about? I didn't take anything from you!" Humpty said cowering. He flitted through his mind to see if he stole anything. He couldn't recall anything.
"I'm talking about a life, a life that I should have taken," the thing said.
"Riding Hood?" Humpty squeaked. He was beyond terrified at that point.
"YES!" growled the thing. "I'm here to collect on that life, by taking yours. An ear for an ear, a tooth for a tooth."
"Please no!" Humpty screamed.
The thing leaped at him and dug his wicked sharp claws into Humpty's chest. He grabbed Humpty's throat with his jaws and savagely jerked sideways. Humpty wasn't quite dead yet.
"Who are you!" Humpty rasped.
"The Wolf," The wolf said muffled as he made one final jerk and Humpty's throat came free. The wolf swallowed and went to work on the rest of his body.
The next day, Genie found the wolf resting on Humpty's recliner and wearing Humpty's clothing. He was horrified by the blood on the walls and floor. He felt the gorge rising up his throat and quickly swallowed it back down. He woke the wolf and asked what happened. The wolf licked his lips and happily obliged.
The Genie, not entirely too angered by the wolf's deed, asked him to go see the Red Queen. When they arrived, news of Humpty's death had traveled around the kingdom. Everyone was there when they got there. They all cheered on the wolf. The Red Queen gave him a medal of honor for avenging Riding Hood's death, she even pardoned him for murder. The wolf was asked to give a speech, but he declined, stating he had a fear of public speaking. The crowd didn't mind, they understood, for they too had the same fear.
Later, when the wolf got home to his den, he put his medallion in his new trophy case and wrote a letter:
Dear Frumpty,
The deed has been done. Your husband is dead, so we can now marry. How fortunate we are that he just "happened" to kill Little Red Riding Hood. But we know the truth.
Love,
Your Wolfie-poo
p.s. I even got a medallion for killing your husband!
Yes, I know, the story doesn't quite make sense, and sort of veers off from the central point, but I've had three pots of coffee and it's 2:00 in the morning. I'm allowed a bit of insanity every and then. I hope you enjoyed it at the very least!