Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive…

One of Mum's pithy little quotes always seemed to pop into my head at the exact moment I was feeling guilty, serving its purpose to make me feel even more like shite. Looking into Remus's set face, I pleaded, "Let me explain."

"Explain why I smell Rosier and Farrell's scents on your skin? I'm listening."

Not since he'd accused me of letting Evan put his hands on me for old-time's sake had his tone been so darkly intimidating. I swallowed hard. "Evan is the one who sent the agent to ask questions about Gran. When the bloke came around again, Rory's…friend…caught him. I went to the Rosier building to have it out, and learned he'd set all that up to get me there." Remus's features became grim when I said, "He had proof that we'd infiltrated those gatherings and threatened to tell if I didn't do a job for him."

"What job?"

"Retrieve information that in Ministry hands could lose him the company. I was supposed to hand over the draft and return with the documents after I verified that they were originals and hadn't been copied."

His brow creased. "What about Farrell?"

In a small voice, I admitted, "I asked for his help, knowing Evan would probably try to double cross me before I could double cross him."

Remus said harshly, "You asked for his help. Not mine. A Muggle criminal's." Backing me up, he bent his head and inhaled, asking, "How will you repay him, Nym?"

"I owe a favour, that's all. He and his mate Jimmy took care of two of the blokes following me and the evidence." I tried to keep my voice steady. "I gave Evan back his draft and made a new deal. His silence for mine." Lifting my trembling fingers, I touched Remus's cheek. "I'm sorry I lied to you, I should've told you, but I was so scared you'd be hurt."

"Hurt?" Remus's hands gripped my waist. I gasped when he lifted me. "I'm stronger than you think." I believed it. He wasn't even breaking a sweat, and his arms showed no signs of fatigue. His face twisted, looking into mine. "I'm hurt that you didn't consider how I'd feel when I found out you'd placed yourself in danger, and that you thought another man would be better help."

Abruptly, he lowered me to the floor. "Do you think he'd be a better partner as well?" Pinning me against the wall with his hands and body, Remus's lips pressed mine roughly. He tasted like desire and danger, hot and irresistible. I wrapped myself around him.

"No, no, I only want you," I said frantically, as his hands glided over my skin possessively with none of the gentleness displayed before. Remus's mouth captured mine, demanding a response I gave freely.

My breath caught when he pulled back to ask bluntly, "If I carry you into the bedroom, will you prove it to me?"

It was hard to think clearly. I wasn't ready to take that step, but I couldn't bear it if he doubted how much I cared about him. "Yes."

His eyes flared with need, even while he stepped back. "Why?"

I swayed toward him. "You…you know why."

"Tell me."

My breathing was as rapid as my heartbeat. "I care about you so much. Why are you acting like this? What do you want from me?"

His smile was so sad, tears sprang to my eyes. Cupping my face in his hands, he kissed my forehead and said quietly, "I want you to tell me the real reason you kept everything from me. Until then, I'm sorry, but it's best we didn't see each other."

"No." I'd done everything to save him, not lose him.

It was no consolation that he looked more wretched than he did at the full moon. At the front door, he turned. "I hope to see you soon."

I remained staring blankly after he left. Why wasn't it enough that I cared? I'd said that I was sorry, didn't Remus believe me? Long fought insecurities clawed at my heart. Once again, I wasn't good enough. I didn't measure up. It hurt so badly, there was only one way I could think of to cope. I took my wand, conjured a communication fire in the fireplace, and waited for a familiar head to appear before crying, "Mum, can I come home?"

.

Waking up in my old bed with gritty eyes and a stuffy nose, I stared up at the canopy and thought with black humour of Bertha Jorkins. At least my eyelet was lavender. Sitting up, I ran a hand over my face and debated pulling the covers over my head and going back to sleep, preferably for a hundred years or so.

"Good morning, sunshine!"

I threw the man in the doorway a sceptical look. "Only in London could I be compared to sunshine, Dad."

He chuckled. "It is rather overcast today. High probability of rain later."

Great, maybe I could stand with my mouth open in the back garden and drown. Morbidly amused at the thought, my lips curved while my father said, "That's better. Come to the kitchen for breakfast, your mother's been conjuring for hours."

Wonderful, now I'd have to stuff down food I didn't want or hurt her feelings. Why had I come home again? I looked into Dad's sympathetic face. Oh yeah, unconditional love. "Sure, I'll hop into the shower and be right down."

Under the spray, I realised I'd forgotten a flannel and shrugged, reaching for the soap. The feel of skin against skin reminded me of all the different ways Remus had touched me. I yanked open the shower curtain and marched over to the linen cupboard and snatched a flannel off the shelf.

Downstairs a short while later, my mood changed from melancholy into something more comfortable: a nark. Dad appraised my sullen expression as I picked at food and smiled across at Mum. "This brings back memories of teen holidays past, doesn't it, luv?"

"Indeed. I do hope she'll refrain from oversetting my chairs or slamming doors." The dry note in Mum's voice brought out my reluctant smile. She patted my hand. "We're always glad to have you, darling, and hope you know that regardless of the circumstances, we're here for you."

"Thanks, Mum."

Dad asked frankly, "Did you break up with that bloke we never met? Remus?"

I shrugged. "Yes, no, oh hell, I don't know."

"Language, Nymphadora." Mum arched an eyebrow. "Rather unusual, not to be aware of the exact state of a relationship."

I stood, throwing down my serviette. "Thanks for making me feel even more stupid and worthless, Mum. If I knew what he wanted from me, don't you think I'd give it to him?"

"I assume you're speaking of something other than sex."

My face burned. I yelped, "Mother, how could you?" Slamming the door on the way out would've been more satisfying if I hadn't seen the look my parents exchanged.

Apparating to my Gran's, I marched up the stairs to get some tea and sympathy. "I already felt bad enough without them laughing at me," I grumbled, while Gran placed a mug of tea and a plate of biscuits on the low table in front of me. Straightening from my slouched position, I sipped the comforting liquid and waited expectantly for her to soothe my sore feelings.

She smiled. "Your father always slammed the door too. He got that from me. Your grandfather was the quiet, sulking type. Drove me spare, sometimes, the way he'd go distant and broody." Dark blue eyes similar to mine twinkled. "My husband was always susceptible to PDAs whenever I wanted to bring him out of one of his silent treatments."

I choked on a gulp of tea, wheezing, eyes watering, while Gran patted my back. I asked hoarsely, "Public displays of affection?"

Her mouth curved in a naughty smile. "Physical displays of affection. Have you tried that on your Remus? He seems the slow to anger, brooding sort to me." I stuffed an entire biscuit into my mouth, making a non-committal 'Mmmm' in response. Gran chuckled. "Well, since your problem doesn't seem to be on a physical level, perhaps you'd best examine the emotional one, dear."

The doorbell rang. I jumped up to get it, heart leaping. It was Rory. He laughed at my crestfallen expression. "I thought you'd be happier to see me, Nym. Shall we take a walk?"

I turned to Gran. "I'll be back in a little while." She nodded, wished Rory a good morning and switched on her telly.

Downstairs, once we began to walk along the pavement, Rory asked, "Why so dejected? You pulled off an impressive job last night. I wish you worked for me." When I shrugged, he asked, "That guy you're going with, Remus the ancient Roman, did he find out? Did you catch hell or something?"

"Or something." I changed the topic. "Did you put the canister into the safe deposit box?"

"I did. Not before one of Uncle Colin's guys tried to open it, though. Good thing he always wanted to be called Scarface." When I snickered, he nodded. "That's better. I was getting flashbacks to you at fifteen and feeling like a nervous eighteen year old again."

We both smiled at the absurdity, walking in companionable silence for a while before returning to Gran's. Rory said, "Don't forget to change your password at the bank. As the priest said to the parishioner, 'lead me not into temptation'."

His raffish grin made me smile. "I won't. Thanks again, Rory."

"I hope you're still thankful when I get around to collecting my favours." He winked "Don't worry, it won't be anything dodgy."

I smirked. "Want me to check out your new girlfriend?"

He mirrored my smirk. "Already checked her out. Melanie's fine as five pence." He held out a hand. I shook it and then kissed his cheek.

When I re-entered Gran's flat, she said, "Rory wears the loveliest cologne, doesn't he? If I was Remus, though, I wouldn't like it."

I plopped down on the sofa and put a cushion over my face. "Remus knows full well that I don't care about anyone else but him."

"Care?"

Hitting the pillow repeatedly with my fist didn't make my frustration lessen. I told Gran, "Thanks for the tea, but I've got some errands I need to do." Stalking toward the door, I whirled around to demand, "I'd like to know what's so bloody wrong with caring about someone? Why isn't that good enough?"

She regarded me with a funny little smile. "Think about it, dear. I'm sure the answer will come in time."

I spent the rest of the day organising my flat and stewing about Remus. By the time the sun started to set, the place was oppressively tidy, and I was ready to hex somebody. When a knock sounded on my door, I yanked it open. "Yeah?"

It was Cami. "Er…Remus is supposed to walk Snuffles at the park, remember? Are you going to go?"

All of a sudden, I started to cry. My friend put an arm around me while I spilled an edited version of the story. She said bracingly, "Go talk to him."

I sniffed. "No, not yet, he said we shouldn't see each other."

When Cami said she'd give my greetings to our doggie pal, she suggested, "You could always go as somebody else."

A shower and wardrobe sorting expedition later, a nice old lady followed a young woman to the park. Sitting on a bench a safe yet good viewing distance away, I pretended to flip the pages of a book while Cami played with Snuffles and I watched Remus read a book of his own. My chest began to ache when his lips tilted at the corners over something he'd read, but I couldn't move. My breath hitched with longing. My throat ached more with every passing minute. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew my loosely tied headscarf onto the common. My stomach sank when a big, black dog ran over to it. Sniffing it, he raised his head to look at me, picked it up with his teeth and came bounding over with the silk.

When I reached out to take the scarf, the mutt growled and backed away. I snapped, "Do you know what would improve your disposition? Neutering." Snuffles snarled and then barked furiously. I stood when Remus left his bench and began walking in our direction. I stomped my foot. "Stay out of this, you interfering fleabag!" The moment he ran toward Remus with my scarf, I Disapparated.

Over the next few days, my help was specifically requested so many times to assist in suspect questioning that Julia and Tom finally cornered me in my cubicle. Julia demanded, "What's going on?"

My brows lifted. Tom said, "Don't try and tell us nothing, because Mabley, who's been around since Merlin, said to tell you he'd never seen anybody do 'bad Auror' better, and he'd ask for Tonks the Terrible the next time he had a hard nut to crack!"

I shrugged. "I've just been channelling a little negative energy, that's all."

They looked at each other incredulously. Jul slapped her hand down on my cleared desk and shouted, "Look at your office! Gulch told Connolly his desk should emulate yours, for Merlin's sake! You ask for assignments that take you out of our rotation, and you make Dark wizards cry. Cut the crap and tell us what's driven you round the twist!"

My face scrunched while I tried to say offhandedly, "I kind of went behind Remus's back to do something, and when he found out, he said caring about him wasn't a good enough reason, so we're not seeing each other."

Julia was livid. "Bastard!"

Tom said, "Hold on, that doesn't sound right. What did he tell you exactly?"

I made myself think about that awful night. "He said…we shouldn't see each other until I told him the real reason why I did what I did."

"Caring isn't good enough? What an arsehole!" Julia's face flushed with anger.

Tom slipped his arm around her waist. "Would it be good enough for you?"

She looked as mystified as I was, and then a look of comprehension dawned. After hugging me, Julia said, "Go talk to him again, and maybe think things over instead of terrorising the bad guys, OK?"

I nodded to make her happy. After I got home, placed the Daily Prophet into its recycle bin and ate my Thai takeaway meal, I impulsively decided to walk to the Black Wolf tavern just in case Remus stopped by. Making sure that I looked as plain and inconspicuous as magic and beige clothing could make me, I headed out.

Inside the tavern, I clutched my book and ordered a drink at the bar, taking it with me to a booth diagonal from the one occupied by a wizard in shabby robes with grey streaked brown hair and a face that made my hands tremble. Ignoring the drops of beer spilt on the tabletop, I sat down and pretended to read. Covertly, I scrutinised handsome features. He looked a bit thinner, and had a few care lines more than accounted for by the phase of the moon. Did he miss me? Was Sirius making sure that he ate, got enough rest, and took care of himself? I missed him so much. He looked up. I hastily averted my gaze.

"I believe this is yours."

Remus stood beside my booth, holding out my scarf. I shook my head. He said, "You forgot to change your eyes. Think about that slip…and other things…soon, please. I miss you."

Tears rolled down my cheeks. He murmured, "Stubborn, stubborn, Nymphadora."

I sat clutching the scarf and crying after he left. Why did everybody keep asking me to think about things that hurt? Why was Remus pushing me? Why couldn't he be happy with the way things were? Obviously, once again, what I had to offer wasn't good enough, and that was that. There was only one thing left for me to do; make my way to an off-license, buy a bottle of Firewhisky and go home to get royally pissed.

During the early hours of the morning, I had a dream that I was holding hands with Remus, strolling across the park. He pulled away. The moment his fingers no longer touched mine, the colour drained out of the world, leaving everything the most horrible shades of grey.

Shivering with sweat, I awoke, lurching to sit up in bed before clutching my pounding head with both hands. I fumbled on the floor beside the bed for the Nauseous No More potion I'd stashed there for this purpose and chugged it down. Dragging myself to the shower, I propped my abused body against the tile and allowed the water to wash over me. When I felt remotely human, I stepped out and pulled on a towelling robe. After a glance in the bathroom mirror, I blinked, stared, and then screamed.

"Tonks, what's the matter? Answer me or I'm coming in! I hope you're decent!" I heard Morty throw open my front door. His face appeared behind mine in the mirror, mouth open in shock.

I cried, "I can't change it, Uncle Morty, I can't change anything! I've tried and nothing happens. Oh gods, what if I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life?"

Wrapping me in a comforting hug, Morty let me cry on his shoulder while one of his hands stroked my mousey brown hair.

.

A/N: Only one chapter left. Think Tonks will get a clue? ; ) Don't flame her (or me, snicker) for the neutering comment. She was upset and didn't really mean it, I pinky promise! I do mean it, though, when I say that your reviews make me happy and my world more colourful! The people who coloured my world with their reviews last week were 40/16 Alaska Steele alix33 Bright Moonlight Camillia Vincent Carnivalgirl cat cupcakeswirl die Loreley DeSilva distempered DramaQueen04 eleen ElspethBates Embellished FNP GraceRichie HollyWriter i'mnotjkr ishandahalf Kates Master kathaania krumfan Lily Dragon Machiavelli Jr MamaLisa Naginifay NazgulGirl Newbie GK Neurotica plzkthx101 Potter's Muse Shannan Shavaineth slaidear Slipknot- 3113 Slytherin Love Goddess some 1 sunny9847 Sunny June 46 Super Kawaii Lamb The Demonic Duo and WriterMerrin