Tiger Tank
Mission One: The Pile of Shit...er...the Pillar of Autumn
Scene: outer space. The stars are twinkling. The Pillar of Autumn enters the camera's view, preceded by a flight of Longsword fighters. The camera pans and peers into the ship's bridge viewport, which is on the ventral (bottom) portion of the ship. Strewn throughout the interior of the bridge, pizza boxes and discarded beverage cans can be seen, littering the deck.
Keyes: (VO) Cortana, all I want to know is "Did we lose them?"
Cortana: (VO) I think the answer is obvious, dumbass.
(the camera focuses on Keyes, who is standing before a tactical display)
Keyes: (scratches the back of his head) We made a blind jump!
How did they--?
Cortana: ...Get here first? The Covenant ships have
always been faster. And at light-speed, my maneuvering options were
limited. Dimwit.
Keyes: (starts pacing around the bridge) We were
running dark, yes? (slips on a beer can and falls on his ass)
Cortana:
Until we decelerated; nobody could have missed the hole we tore through
subspace's ass.
Keyes: (gets up; pauses) Where do we stand?
Cortana:
We've got a shitload of Covenant ships coming in. We're pretty boned.
Keyes: Well, let's bring the ship back to combat alert: Alpha. I want
everyone at their stations.
Cortana: Everyone, sir?
Keyes: Everyone.
(pauses as Cortana's uber-sexy holographic form appears on a pedestal;
somewhere, a number of fanboys are drooling over her cleavage) And
Cortana?
Cortana: (poses) Hmmm? You like?
Keyes: Yes...I mean...no. I
mean, let's give the Covenant a warm welcome.
Cortana: (frowns) Bet
you're gay.
Keyes: No I'm not! (starts eating a slice of pizza)
Mmmm...cheesy goodness.
Cortana: Ew. That pizza's one day old.
Keyes: (still chewing) So?
Cortana: Don't talk with your mouth full!
Keyes: (swallows) Sorry. (looks at the camera) Aren't we done yet?
(transition to a signal man waving at a Pelican pilot with light cones. The camera pans out and shows a nice view of the hangar; cut to the Marines trotting about and Warthogs moving around, as well as Scorpion tanks loading up. A number of RGM79C mobile suits and the RX-78-2 Gundam are preparing for launch, loading assault rifles and moving about with deck-shaking, metalshod footsteps. Cut to a loading bay, where Marines are gearing up and assembling with big bullseyes painted on their armor plates and helmets. Over the PA, Cortana is issuing orders to personnel throughout the ship)
Cortana: (over the PA) Gundam, ready for launch!
Amuro: (piloting the Gundam) GANDAMU! IKIMAAAAASSSSU! (flies out of the launch ramp)
Cortana: (over the PA) ...This is not a drill! Repeat: not a drill! So get moving, you douchebags!
Sgt. Johnson: (wearing a steel-pot helmet with three chevrons painted on it; barks at his Marines) You
heard the bitch! Move like you've got a purpose!
(the Marines assemble in two straight rows, facing each other. Johnson moves down between them.)
Sgt. Johnson: Once again, it is up to us to finish what the flyboys have started; we are leaving this ship,
platoon, and we are headed for solid ground! We will meet the enemy, and rip their skulls from
their spines, and toss 'em away laughing! Am I right, Marines?
Marines: SIR! NO, SIR!
Sgt. Johnson: Mm-hmm! Y'damned right I am! Waitaminute...(growls) nevermind! Now move it out!
Double-time!
(the Marines start heading for their battlestations as Johnson casually strolls out of the bay into the hangar)
Sgt. Johnson: All you greenhorns who wanted to see Covenant up close - this is your lucky day!
(transition to Cryo Two, a large cryostorage facility. All of the tubes are empty, save one. Inside lies the demise of all Covenant and savior of humanity: the nigh-immortal SPARTAN-II, the Master Chief Petty Officer John-117. The being known as "Master Chief" is a near-mythical figure, said to be able to destroy Covenant fleets with his flatulence, and can kill a Covenant soldier by blinking.)
MC: (wakes up) Ugh...my friggin' head...(farts; in space, a flight of Covenant fighter ships explode for
seemingly no reason)
Tutorial Guy: Sorry for the quick thaw, Master Chief. The disorientation should pass quickly.
Cryo Guy: Welcome back, sir! We'll have you battle-ready, stat!
MC: (falls asleep) Zzzzzz...
Tutorial Guy: Please look around the room, sir. We need to get a calibration reading for your helmet's
targeting sensors.
(the dull and boring tutorial goes on and on, until the shield finally finishes recharging)
Keyes: (over the PA) Bridge to Cryo Two! Have the Master Chief report to the bridge, immediately!
Tutorial Guy: But, Captain! We'll have to skip the weapons diagnostics and I--!
Keyes: (over the PA) On the double, crewman! And stop calling me "Butt-Captain!"
Tutorial Guy: Aye-aye, sir! (mutters) Idiot. (turns to the MC) We'll have to get moving. We'll find you
weapons later.
Cryo Guy: All right. I'll leave the diagnostics systems running, at least.
Tutorial Guy: You'd better get to your evac station, Sam!
Cryo Guy: I just need to finish this up and I'm outta here! (there's banging on the hatch) Oh noes! They're
trying to burn through the door! (gets pwned by a red-armored Elite wielding a plasma rifle)
Red Elite: Wort wort wort! (starts firing uselessly at the SUPER IMPERVIOUS GLASS WINDOW for a
second before turning around and leaving in search of more people to kill)
Tutorial Guy: Let's get the fuck outta here! This way! (he leads the sleep-walking MC down a corridor up
to a door. Just as the door opens, an explosion knocks the MC off his feet and kills the Tutorial
Guy)
MC: (wakes up) Where'm I? Well, shit. (thinks) Oh yeah! (doubles back and jumps over the pipes) It
sure is dark, back here...(he runs into some technicians fighting against Covenant troops)
COVENANT BASTARDS!
(the MC lunges toward the enemy and is stopped in midair by an invisible barrier. The door abruptly
closes and seals itself)
MC: Curse these crappy game physics! (gets slapped by a mouse pointer) OW! (turns to a tech) Give
me your sidearm.
Technician: NO! MINE! HISS!
MC: O-kay...fuck you. (bitchslaps the technician, which renders the tech unconscious, and moves on)
(grousing and muttering curses and death-threats, the MC makes his way to the bridge, through the firefights taking place throughout the corridors.)
Marine: Good to see you, sir! Follow me!
MC: Okay.
Wounded Marine: My legs! I can't feel my legs!
Wounded Marine: (gurgles) Rose...bud.
MC: Should I put these guys out of their misery?
Marine: Umm...no...GET CLEAR, CHIEF!
MC: What? (gets hit by a single plasma bolt) COVENANT SCUM! (he charges, once again stopped by
an invisible wall) DAMN!
(the MC and the Marine arrive at the bridge)
Marine: (stops and faces MC) Captain Keyes is waiting for you, sir!
MC: Yeah, yeah. Just give me your goddamned rifle.
Marine: Ummm...no?
MC: Grrrr...(storms onto the bridge) KEYES!
Keyes: Good to see you again, Master Chief.
MC: Don't "good to see you again, Master Chief" me, Keyes! Why won't anyone give me a goddamned
weapon?
Keyes: Because...um...they need them?
MC: Bah. The UNSC is just too damned cheap.
Cortana: (appears on the pedestal in her well-endowed holographic form) Hiya, sexy.
MC: Hey, ho.
Cortana: Sleep well?
MC: Was it you that was making me dream that we were somehow having steamy, hot sex?
Cortana: (coyly) Maybe.
Keyes: (coughs nervously) AHEM!
(the ship bucks from an explosion)
Keyes: DAMAGE REPORT! DAMAGE REPORT!
Officer: Fire-control for the main gun is offline!
Cortana: Well, shit. That was our last offensive option.
Keyes: Well, that does it. I'm initiating Cole Protocol: Article Two. We're abandoning the Autumn.
Cortana: While you go down with the ship?
Keyes: Kind of. (looks about nervously) I'm going to try landing the Autumn on that onion ring. I mean...that
artificial ring world. (pauses) What was I going to do?
Cortana: You were going to get everyone off the ship? (rolls her eyes) Dumbass. (the holograph fades)
Keyes: Oh yeah. Cortana, give me some coordinates, including those of the nearest liquor cabinet and
stash of weed, before you get your ass outta the computer.
Cortana: (VO) Oooh. Chief! Me! Inside your head! NOW!
MC: (looks down at his crotch) ...
Cortana: (VO) giggle You wish. C'mon.
Keyes: (hands the data disk containing Cortana) Make sure she doesn't fall into the wrong hands. And
especially keep her away from those fanboys. We don't want the Covenant to find out where
Earth is.
MC: They find Earth at the beginning of Halo 2.
Keyes: STOP GIVING THE PLOT AWAY! (smacks the Master Chief, which only results in a sore hand)
Where did you learn that anway?
MC: Internet.
Keyes: Figures. Well, I want you to get Cortana off this ship, meaning you will go down to that ring world,
which you will eventually blow up by the end of this game.
MC: Uhhh...you just gave the ending away.
Keyes: I did? Oh poo-doo...(gets bitchslapped by the big mouse pointer)
(the Master Chief puts the disk into a slot in his helmet)
Cortana: (VO) Hmm. Your architecture isn't much different from the Autumn's.
MC: Don't get any funny ideas.
Cortana: (VO) Tee-hee! (starts messing with the Master Chief)
MC: What're you--? (starts kick-dancing) STOP THAT!
Cortana: (stops; VO) Spoilsport.
Keyes: Well, my piece is done. (inhales deeply, and sighs) ...ME FIRST! I'M SMALLER! (screams like
a Grunt and runs for the nearest lifeboat)
MC: Oh look...the Captain dropped his sidearm. Which, despite him saying that he doesn't keep it loaded,
comes with a few spare magazines. How thoughtful. (picks the weapon up)
Cortana: Let's get moving.
Just outside the bridge, a trio of lost Grunts take a breather...
Red-armored Grunt: No humans here.
Orange-armored Grunt 1: I wonder where the enemy's bridge is...?
(Just over the entry to the bridge, "BRIDGE" is painted in white, bold letters in plain view)
Orange-armored Grunt 2: Hmmm...(looks up) Hey guys? What's "B-R-I-D-G-E" mean?
Red-armored Grunt: ...I don't know. (spots a fallen Marine) OOH! MINE! (picks up the dead Marine's
helmet and puts it on) GLEE!
Orange-armored Grunt 1: Now what?
(They sit and ponder until the Master Chief arrives)
MC: COVENANT SCUM!
Red-armored Grunt: BAD! BAD CYBORG! (gets blown away; the helmet clatters on the deck)
Orange-armored Grunt 1: He's gone! (gets capped in the head)
Orange-armored Grunt 2: I will unwittingly stand here in a confused daze, despite the fact that I know an
enemy is just nearby. And I will give my position away by making comical sounds. (pants in
fear)
MC: (steps around the corner and pistol-whips the Grunt) Good riddance to Covenant scum. (comes
across the mess hall where a firefight has broken out)
Cortana: Well, help 'em out!
MC: (picks up an assault rifle from a fallen Marine) Now this is what I'm talking about! (braces the stock
against his shoulder and starts firing, missing horribly) WHAT THE HELL! I can't hit anything,
despite the fact that this is a bullpup assault rifle and that it uses 7.62x51mm ammunition!
(the Marines are getting pwned)
Elite: MUHAHAHAHA! I shall grind your bones to make my bread!
MC: Sick. (melees the Elite into submission and blasts his head off)
Michael Moore: Down with the Fascist-Imperialist government!
MC: Michael Moore! I should have known you were leading the attack!
Michael Moore: That's right, you Fascist pig! (whips out an AK47 assault rifle) MOTHERLAAAAAAND!
(before Michael Moore can open fire, the MC chucks a fallen plasma rifle at the large, Socialist weasel's
face, effectively smashing his face in.)
MC: Goddamned commie. Worse than Covenant scum.
Elite: Where's the beverages? (gets pwned by the Chief) Ow...(dies)
Marine 1: I need a medic!
Marine 2: Anyone see him?
MC: I'm right here...now come on! Let's go!
Marine NCO: Sorry, Chief. The Bungie programmers made us incredibly stupid and we have to "secure
the mess hall."
MC: In other words, "get pissed while the ship goes down"?
Marine NCO: No. "Get pissed AND high while the ship goes down!" (breaks out a bong and starts
smoking weed) Ohhh yeaahhhh.
Marine 1: Lemme hit that! (takes a hit) Awww, yeah! That's the stuff!
MC: ...Okay. (leaves)
(the Master Chief, in search for a way off the Pillar of Autumn, participates in numerous firefights against the Covenant boarders)
MC: (carelessly firing, hitting Marines and Covenant alike) You know, Cortana, why didn't we just hijack
those boarding craft with the overshield power-ups in them? (pauses and reloads)
Cortana: Beats me.
MC: Furthermore, how were those ships able to attach themselves in the first place with no visible control
area?
Cortana: ...Stop thinking. Hey, look! The last lifeboat! Let's get outta here!
MC: Okay.
Dead Marine: (falls just after the Chief and sees that the life boat is almost full) Oh no! (shivers) Oh no!
MC: ...(walks in and seals the doors) Punch it!
Dead Marine: (pounding on the hatch) WAIT! NO! WAIT FOR ME!
Pilot: Aye-aye, sir!
(with a jolt and a loud BOOM! the vaguely Pelican-like life boat ejects from the Pile of Shit...er...the
Autumn, and begins its approach on the ring world)
Marine 1: THE AUTUMN! SHE'S GOING CRAZY!
(the Pillar is zig-zagging crazily through space, soaking up plasma torpedo hits)
Cortana: I knew it! Keyes is going in manual! And PUI.
MC: "PUI?"
Cortana: "Piloting Under the Influence."
MC: Ah.
(back aboard the Autumn's bridge)
Keyes: (imitating the Kool-Aid man and randomly moving the ship's control yokes) OHH YEAAAAHHHH! This "Magic Kool-Aid" is the shit!
(the lifeboat)
Cortana: Wouldn't you rather take a seat?
MC: Nah. We'll be fine. So long as I have my HAPPY BOX! (breaks out an open cardboard box with
"HAPPY BOX" sloppily written on the side with a paint marker.)
Cortana: If I were religious, I'd be praying...
TO BE CONTINUED!
Will the Master Chief and the other cannon fodder...I mean, survivors...make it to Halo? What of Keyes? How and why were Chief and Cortana cybering? Why are the Marines so relatively competent in this mission and the next? And what of Sergeant Johnson, the ultra, nigh-invincible badass? Will Amuro make it to Halo? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER! (cue cheesy rock music)
Next time: Halo - Giant Hula Hoop or Massive Onion Ring?
Author's Notes: IT HAS BEGUN! Stupid? Lame? Aye. But I find it amusing. I decided to rip off Team America: World Police with the Michael Moore bit. Awesomest. Movie. EVAR! And yes, I included Mobile Suit Gundam. I like the GMs. Bitchin' model kits. The Zaku kits blow, unfortunately. Feel free to give me comments. Maybe I will take suggestions. Please avoid ranting and pointless flames. They're a waste of time, electricity, and bandwidth. Don't bother unless you have something constructive to throw into the mix. Thanks.
Tiger Tank