Tiger Tank
Mission Two: Halo - Giant Hula Hoop or Massive Onion Ring?
Scene: When we last left our hero, the Hero of Time...er...the Master Chief, he was plummeting toward certain death in a tin can that looks like a Pelican dropship without any control surfaces or wings. Ionization begins collecting on the bottom of the lifeboat as it enters the ring's atmosphere. However...
Cortana: Uhh, hey, dumbass! We're coming in too fast!
(the airbrakes fail)
Pilot: Damn! We got a blue screen!
MC: Oh dear GOD! We're all gonna DIE! (cue dramatic music)
(The Master Chief puts the Happy Box from the previous chapter over his head)
Marine 1: If we don't make it outta here alive, I wanted to tell you...that I drank the last beer.
Marine 2: YOU SONOFA--! BOOM! CRASH! VIOLENCE!
(cut to black, then fade into a view of the hatch of the life boat, with the Marines' bodies strewn about)
Cortana: Chief? Helloooo? Hello? Chief! Wake up, dammit!
MC: I'm up! I'm up!
Cortana: The others didn't survive. (seductively) So it's just you and me, big guy.
MC: Right. (picks up weapons, supplies, and ammo) There we go. Much better.
Cortana: Hey, you might want to know that a Covenant U-boat...er...dropship is en route. They must be
looking for survivors.
MC: Crap. (takes cover behind a rock)
(the flying horshoe arrives and deposits a load of Covenant troops)
Elite: sniff sniff I smell...HUMAN GOOD GUYS!
Red-armored Grunt: (points at the human bodies) That'd explain it, Excellency.
Elite: SILENCE! (grabs the Grunt by the head and throws him over the cliff)
MC: COVENANT SCUM! (tosses a grenade. Which explodes and sets off some of the grenades on
the Grunts' belts) BOOM! BLAM! WHAMMO! EXPLOSION!
Elite: (black and charred) Not quite dead.
MC: RAWR! And stuff. (smashes the Elite's skull with the heel of his armored boot)
(A nearby structure that shoots blue energy into the sky)
Sgt. Johnson: All right, you fags! I want a defensive perimeter--! (gets smashed by a lifeboat)
Marine 1: (steps out) Oh shit. We smashed Johnson!
Marine 2: (from inside) We're bastards!
Sgt. Johnson: (crawls out from under the lifeboat) I want a defensive perimeter around--! (gets smashed
by a yellow school bus. Not the special one, the regular one)
(Johnson kicks his way out through one of the many windows and lights up a cigar before continuing)
Sgt. Johnson: As I was saying...(gets beaned in the head by a molotov cocktail)
Anti-Gun Protestors: GUNZ ARE TEH UBAR EVIL!11one THEY KILL PPLZ!1 GUNZ SHUD BE BAND
AND MADE ILEGAL!11oneonenoen
Sgt. Johnson: Guns don't kill people...(primes and chucks a grenade into the middle of the crowd)
BOOM! ...I do. Now I want a defensive perimeter around this structure! Pronto!
Marines: YES, SIR!
(the Marines surround the place with the Navy personnel on the structure, armed with
PISTOLS!)
Navy Tech 1: 3y3 4m t3h sn1p3r!11
Navy Tech 2: Dude, knock it off with that 1337-speak. You'll piss off the Marines.
Navy Tech 1: Hehe. Sorry.
Marine 2: Hey, look! A Mk.V! (points at the approaching, Covenant-blood-soaked Spartan)
Marine 3: He's taller than I thought! And better-looking, too!
Sgt. Johnson: It's good to see you, sir!
MC: (brushes a Grunt intestine off his shoulder armor) Situation report.
Sgt. Johnson: We're scattered all over the place, Chief. We tried calling for evac, but until you showed up,
I thought we were boned.
Marine 2: Incoming! We've got an incoming enemy dropship!
(the dropship deposits its troops, who are immediately mowed down)
Marine 1: Another one! O noes!
MC: Why are they coming in one at a time?
Cortana: Because the Covenant are stupid?
MC: Makes sense.
(after a long, dull, and boringly repetitive battle...)
Foehammer: (over the radio) This is Pelican Echo-419! Is anybody readin' me?
Cortana: Hey, bitch! Is that you?
Foehammer: (over the radio) Hey, whore. Yeah, it's me. You won't get rid of me that easily.
Cortana: Jealous that I'm with the Chief, now?
MC: Ladies! There's enough of this Spartan to go around!
Foehammer: (over the radio) Whatever. His dick doesn't even work anymore, thanks to those Spartan
augmentations.
Cortana: Hiss!
MC: (sighs) I admit it. All this aggression is really just my pent-up sexual frustration. (cries) I CAN'T
JERK OFF ANYMORE! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Sgt. Johnson: O-kay...What the hell?
Foehammer: Okay, Chief, I'll let you use the Warthog.
MC: Warthog? (sniffles)
Foehammer: Yeah.
MC: YAYS!
(the Marines pile up in the dropship while the Master Chief and two victims...er...VOLUNTEERS man the
passenger seat and the chaingun turret)
(after much driving, they come to the Gorge of Eternal Peril. That is, the place where the light bridge is supposed to be. After finishing off the Covenant presence in the area...)
Marine Passenger:Great. Now what?
Marine Gunner:What do we do, Chief?
MC: (thinking) Hmmm.
Cortana: Hey! Who's that?
(they see a crazed, bearded, blind man wearing tattered rags and chuckling to himself)
Marine Gunner:Okay...wonder how he got here? (gets out and approaches)
Bridge-Keeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Light, must answer me these questions, three!
'Ere the other side, you see?
Marine Gunner: ...The hell? Okay, what are these questions?
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
(in the Warthog)
MC: What the hell? Cortana: I don't know.
(at the Bridge)
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
Marine Gunner: To seek out my friends and comrades-in-arms. Also to kick Covenant ass.
Bridge-Keeper: What...(dramatic pause)...is your favorite color?
Marine Gunner: Red.
Bridge-Keeper: Right! Off you go then!
(the bridge of light appears)
Marine Gunner: Okay. Thanks. (waves to the others and walks across to the other side)
(in the Warthog)
MC: Where the hell is he going? (revvs the Warthog's engine and accelerates to the bridge)
Bridge-Keeper: STOP!
(the Warthog stops)
MC: What is it, old man?
Bridge-Keeper: Who would cross the Bridge of Light, must answer me these questions, three! 'Ere
the other side, you see?
MC: ...You're fucking kidding me.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
MC: Master Chief Petty Officer SPARTAN-117.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
MC: TO DESTROY THE EVIL COVENANT! Oh yeah. And to save Humanity, too.
Bridge-Keeper: What...is the air-speed velocity of a Covenant Banshee?
MC: What do you mean? Halo 1 Banshee or Halo 2 Banshee?
Bridge-Keeper: Oh...uh...I don't know that--(gets chucked into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, where he will
continue to fall for all eternity. There is no bottom. As far as we know, anyway.)
(cue the Zelda sound effect for the uncovering of a secret)
Cortana: What the futch? The bridge is on.
MC: Oh well. Here I go! (accelerates and crosses the bridge, and stops to pick up the Marine Gunner)
(they head for a rocky slope in a canyon of sorts...)
MC: (singing horribly off-key) The hills are alive with the sound of muuuuuuuusiiiiiiiiic!
Cortana, the Gunner, and the Passenger: SHUT UP!
MC: Okay.
Cortana: There are Marines in those rocks. And Covenant.
MC: COVENANT SCUM! (floors it and they attack the Covenant charging uselessly uphill)
(hiding and dodging among the rocks are FREEDOM FIGHTERS! Servants of God who fight against
the EVIL, SATANIC COVENANT EMPIRE! Think "mujahadeen)
Freedom Fighter 1: DEATH TO THE COVENANT INFIDELS! (fires an RPG-7 grenade at the Covenant)
Freedom Fighter 2: (firing his AK47 wildly) Derka derka! Mohammed Jihad! Sherpa sherpa!
(the fighting stops)
MC: Are you guys all right?
Freedom Fighter 3: Yes, Champion of God. It is heartening to see you. We have slain the infidels,
cleansing them from these lands with their own blood!
MC: Excellent.
Freedom Fighter 2: We are low on munitions, however.
MC: Dude. Your lifeboat still has ammunition and crap in it.
Freedom Fighter 1: Oh...really?
MC: Yeah.
(the Freedom Fighters exchange looks, then go to fetch the ammo; they return just as the Master Chief
sees a Covenant horsehoe flying in; Stinger missiles are fired at it, exploding and killing some of the
Covenant troops inside)
MC: Let's go!
(the Warthog rushes toward the landing zone, with the gunner and the passenger pouring
fire against the "unholy infidels"; all the while, the Chief is pulling off impressive evasive
maneuvers, getting the Warthog through with a few burns from plasma fire.)
(After the fighting ends, Foehammer returns)
Foehammer: Nice job, Chief! There's another group of Marines not too far away.
MC: Thanks, Foehammer.
Freedom Fighter 3: We must leave, Brother. We wish you luck in your quest to destroy the infidels!
MC: Hahaha. Thanks.
(the Freedom Fighters clamber aboard and are flown out by Foehammer)
MC: Hmmm...(picks up a sniper rifle) Sweeeeeeet.
(after a long bout of fighting, the Warthog arrives at the third and final crash site)
MC: (snipes an Elite) Boo-yeah!
Marine Gunner: Nice shot, sir!
Cortana: Let's find those survivors and get a ride from that ho-bag.
MC: Be nice, Cortana. All right, Marines! I want you two to secure this position as I go in.
Gunner and Passenger: Yes, sir!
(the Master Chief finds the survivors and leads them out to the waiting Pelican dropship)
Cortana: Foehammer, we're going to have to rescue Captain Keyes, later on.
Foehammer: What happened to him?
Cortana: The dumbass got captured.
Foehammer: Shit.
(aboard the Truth and Reconciliation)
Elite: (dressed in a black leather outfit) Talk, human! Where is your homeworld! Where is the Demon?
The human in the special armor?
Keyes: (drunk) Whatsh it to ya, bub? (gets energy-whipped) OW! JESUS!
Elite: Your God cannot help you, now.
Keyes: I ain' talkin' ter ya, bitsch!
Elite: Very well. I see we'll have to do this the hard way. Bring me...THE DESTROYER! (snaps his fingers;
a pair of Grunts advance, carrying a very large, long, dildo)
Keyes: Jesus-titty-fucking-(screams)CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSST! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! THE PAIN!
IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!
Grunt 1: He's fakin' it.
Keyes: How did you know? I overdo it?
Grunt 2: Kind of. Almost had us going there for a minute.
Keyes: So...uh...you gonna keep doing that?
Elite: No. Instead, you will be forced to watch twenty-four hours of BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR!
Keyes: SWEET JESUS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Keyes' scream could be heard all around the onion ring. I mean, Halo! I meant Halo!)
TO BE CONTINUED!
How will the Master Chief and the gang rescue Captain Keyes from his...er...torture? Why is the author such a sick-minded whacko? Whatever happened to Amuro and the mobile suits? Why the hell do I keep asking stupid questions? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER! Not the last question, though. Hehehe.
Author's Notes: Muhahahaha. Yes, I probably lack creativity. "THE DESTROYER" is an inside-joke amongst me and some friends. Yes, it was an extremely long and thick dildo. They saw it in an adult store. No, I haven't seen it personally. But I figured it would be funny to use. Hahaha. I'm such an ass.
Tiger Tank