Tiger Tank
Mission Three: The Falsehood and Disagreement
Scene: In the mountainous terrain, a lone Pelican dropship hovers a scant meter off the ground, unloading a team of Marines...and the Master Chief. It is a dark night, and the Truth and Reconciliation hovers over their heads.
Marine 1: Oooh...sparkly spaceship.
Sgt. Johnson: (slaps the Marine) Whatchoo lookin' at, foo'?
Marine 1: Owww...nothing, Sarge.
Sgt. Johnson: Stay alert.
Marine 2: Sarge, how're we getting into that ship if it's in the air?
Sgt. Johnson: There's a gravity lift that they use to ferry troops and supplies between the ship and the
surface. That's our ticket in!
Foehammer: Good to go! Call me if you need anything!
Sgt. Johnson: Go, go, go! The Corps ain't payin' us by the hour!
Marine 1: They're not paying us at all...damned cheap bastards.
Sgt. Johnson: Stop your whining, you pansy.
Cortana: (over the radio) Marines, stand by. The Chief is going to scout ahead and covertly pick off as
many of the Covenant as he can. Your signal to attack will be enemy plasma fire. Okay?
Marines: (hushed) Okay!
MC: (acquiring a target through the sniper rifle's scope) Hehehe. I'm a GOD! Who will live? Who will die?
Cortana: Chief?
MC: GAH! What is it? I'm trying to snipe here!
Cortana: If you press the button or key to activate your flashlight, you can use the Oracle scope's nifty
night-vision feature.
MC: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks, Cortana.
Cortana: Any time, sexy.
(Amazingly, none of the Covenant have heard this exchange, and are generally clueless when their
comrades are falling over or slumping after a loud and mysterious BOOM!)
Random Grunt: Hmm...is it my shift, yet? (gets pwned)
MC: Headshot!
(the Master Chief and the Marines advance until...)
Cortana: Stop! Covenant forces detected up ahead. Marines, hold your positions.
(the Master Chief kills any immediately visible Covenant.)
Marine 2: (smoking a joint) Man, this blows. The Master Chief gets all the kills.
Sgt. Johnson: Hey! Get rid of that, Marine! Or let me have a hit!
Marine 2: Ummm...no?
Sgt. Johnson: Boy, you'd best lemme have a puff of that shit or I will cram your balls up your ass, so that
when you shit, you shit all over your balls!
Marine 2: 'Kay. (hands Johnson the joint)
Sgt. Johnson: Ohhh, daddy's been hurtin' bad...(takes a puff, holds it in and exhales) Awww, yeeaaahhh...
Cortana: Hey! Quit getting high! We've got a job to do!
Sgt. Johnson: Gimme a sec, Cortana. (takes another puff, then tosses the joint off the cliff) Much better.
Marine 2: NOOOOOO! (jumps off the cliff after the weed)
Marine 1: Flippin' idiot!
(after a long and repetitive routine of sniping enemy gunners and killing Covenant, they arrive at the gravity lift. Reinforcements are flown in by Echo 419.)
MC: Right then. Let's move in.
(suddenly, a pair of Hunters drop in)
Hunter 1: RAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!
Hunter 2: PREPARE TO FRY! (fires his fuel rod gun and kills a Marine) Hahaha!
Marines: (running around and screaming like little girls) AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
Sgt. Johnson: Die, you ugly bastards! (fires at a Hunter as it charges at him) Uh-oh.
Hunter 2: GET READY FOR THE PAIN TRAIN, WOMAN! (knocks Johnson off his feet with its shield)
Sgt. Johnson: (flies off the cliff) I'LL BE BAAAAaaaaack!
MC: (to Hunter 2) Who're you? Terry Tate?
Hunter 2: What of it, bitch?
MC: Oh hell no! (rips a fart and watches as the Hunter curls up into a ball)
Hunter 2: That is STANK-Y! (dies)
Hunter 1: GASPARZ!11 You killed my brother! Prepare to die!
MC: Crap. Not enough pressure to rip another one! (starts blinking)
Hunter 1: The pain! THE HORROR! (falls to its knees) Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! (dies)
MC: Daaaaaaaaamn straight.
Sgt. Johnson: (arrives with another shipment of Marine reinforcements) I'm back!
MC: Just in time!
(he and the Marines assemble on the grav-lift platform)
Marines: Oooooh...pretty liiiiiiiiights.
MC: (drooling) So...beautiful.
Cortana: Chief...are you drooling in your HELMET?
MC: Uh-oh...(shifts his helmet and allows the drool to drain out) Sorry.
Cortana: What're you apologizing for? You probably would've drowned yourself.
(They ascend into the Truth and Reconciliation)
Cortana: Motion tracker shows all clear. No Covenant forces detected.
Marine 3: What? No Covenant? I guess nobody's home...(gets pwned)
Stealth Elite: (waving a plasma sword) Hehehe.
MC: (looks) Oh...myeeee...gawd...the Covenant have developed HUNTER-KILLER SWORDS!
Cortana: Chief?
MC: Yeah?
Cortana: Shut up and shoot that cloaked Elite.
MC: Oh! It's just an Elite? What a relief! (blinks and the stealth elite decloaks and slumps to the deck)
Marine 2: (yelling at his dead compatriot) "No Covenant!" You just HAD to open your mouth!
(a fierce battle ensues, and the Marines, and Johnson, get slaughtered.)
MC: ...That went well.
Sgt Johnson: (reappears in a flash of pink light with Marine reinforcements) Yeah. It didn't go as badly as it
could have gone.
MC: Yeah. I could have died.
Sgt. Johnson: Yeah. That would've been the end. Of the Human race and of the story.
Marine 1: Hey! A door!
(they shoot the Jackal guards and hurry to find a locked door)
Marine 3: Damn! The door's locked on the other side!
Cortana: Let's use the side passages, then.
Marine 4: No ways! We'd be sittin' ducks in those narrow spaces!
MC: You guys suck at Close-Quarters Battles, don't you?
Marines: Yes. (all break out bags of weed and papers, and proceed to light up) Mmmm.
MC: Dammit. Gotta do everything myself! (runs back and goes through the door way. He makes his way
through the repetitive and winding corridors, slaughtering any Covenant with his flatulence,
belching, sneezing, and coughing.)
(The Master Chief finally gets to the door control and slaughters the Covenant around him before opening the door)
Marines: Awww.
Marine 2: You always get to have fun!
MC: You weren't missing much. (farts and kills an Elite trying to sneak up behind him)
Sgt. Johnson: Easy, Chief. You don't want to kill us, do you?
MC: Maybe. (evil laughter) HAHAHAHA!
Sgt. Johnson: (coughs) AHEM!
MC: Sorry, did I do that out loud?
Sgt. Johnson: Just a little.
MC: Sorry. Let's get going.
(they continue through the corridors and come upon a hangar crawling with COVENANT SCUM!)
Marine 3: That's a lot of Covenant scum.
MC: Bah. Just stay out of my way. (Walks into the center of the room and rips a loud, wet fart that goes
for about a minute before finally subsiding)
Elite: By the forerunner! What is that horrible stench? (asphyxiates)
(the Covenant all start firing at the Marines)
Marine 1: THROW GRENADES! IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE!
(the Marines all start chucking grenades)
MC: Waitaminute! (BOOM!) (the Master Chief is black and charred) ...Grrrr.
Marine 1: FRAG OUT! (throws a grenade, which bounces back and explodes in his face. Obliterating
said face.)
(While the Master Chief is sniping at Covenant on the upper levels, the Marines are running around, getting
pwned by Covenant Grunts.) Marine 3: (running around with a Grunt dry-humping his leg) OH GOD! OH GOD! GET IT OFF!
Marine 4: THE GRENADE WILL SAVE YOU! (chucks a grenade, which detonates and kills both Marine 3
and the leg-humping Grunt) (BOOM!) Oops.
Sgt. Johnson: Nice throw, dumbass!
Marine 4: Thank you, sir!
MC: It's not a compliment. (grabs the marine, primes his grenades, and tosses the suicide bomb at a
hapless group of Covenant)
Marine 4: I REGRET NOTHING! (ASPLODES!)
Sgt. Johnson: You mind not killin' my men?
MC: No. (grabs Johnson, primes his grenades, and chucks him at the pair of Hunters that just entered the
room)
Sgt. Johnson: Dammit! Not agaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnn! (ASPLODES!)
(The Hunters' bodies fly a few feet into the air before hitting the deck with a clatter)
Cortana: Got it! The door's open! We need to move through now! I can't guarantee that it'll remain
unlocked.
MC: Maybe we should summon reinforcements?
Cortana: Why? Don't feel like going it alone?
MC: Let's just say that they may have their uses.
Cortana: Fair enough. Hey, Foehammer!
Foehammer: What up, bitch?
Cortana: Listen, whore! I need you to drop off some reinforcements.
Foehammer: Fine.
(The Pelican arrives and deposits a Marine NCO and some privates)
Marine NCO: (turns the open alcohol bottle he's holding into a molotov cocktail) All right! Let's kick some
Covenant ass!
(the Marines pile out and follow the Chief through the corridors)
MC: Please refrain from throwing grenades.
Marine 4: Okay.
Grunt: HUMAN!
Marine 4: AAAAHHHHH! A GRUNT! (chucks a grenade, which bounces off the back of the Chief's
helmet)
MC: What the--? (gets caught in the EXPLOSION! and glares at the Marine) WHAT DID I JUST TELL
YOU IDIOTS! (his seething gaze melts the Marine into a puddle of goo)
(they reach the bridge)
Gold Elite: (humming) Laaaaa-da-di-da-di-daaaaa! (frowns at the sleeping Grunts) Eh.
Marines: (burst into the bridge, guns blazing) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! COVENANT SCUM! (they all
start chucking grenades)
Gold Elite: HUMAN GOOD GUYS! (ignites his glowy, blue plasma sword of DOOOOOOM!) ATTACK!
MC: (hanging back, alternately shooting Grunts and killing Elites with hatred-filled stares) Goddamned
idiots. (watches as the Gold-armored Elite pwns them) Well, shit...
Gold Elite: DEMON! Your campaign of terror ends now!
MC: Silence, Covenant scum! Your reign of evil will come to an end! (cocks his assault rifle)
Gold Elite: (charges) PREPARE TO DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! (gets mowed down) Ow.
MC: Waste of a perfectly good magazine. Y'know, I wonder how they managed to squeeze sixty rounds
into these magazines. It's mind-boggling.
Cortana: Shut up, and head for that waypoint.
MC: (reaches it) 'Kay. Now what?
Cortana: What else? Let's look for Keyes!
(after a long and boring search, they finally arrive at a prison block)
MC: (marches into the room and immediately gets shot at) Uh-oh! (ducks back into the hallway) OW!
something bit me! (stumbles and falls onto the deck)
Warden: Kill the Demon!
(the Grunts advance, Needlers and plasma pistols at the ready)
MC: I don't think so! (tosses a Plasma Grenade, which sticks onto a Grunt's face)
Unfortunate Grunt: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! (EXPLODES! taking the other Grunts with him)
(Plasma rifle fire starts hitting Master Chief)
MC: What the hell? What sorcery is this?
Warden: You're pretty dense for being the one who slaughtered a countless number of my brothers and
sisters.
MC: Wait...there're female Elites?
Warden: What? Did you think we reproduced asexually?
MC: ...Uhhh.
Warden: Enough talk!
Cortana: Chief, they're cloaked Elites! Kill them, already!
MC: I knew that! (rips a fart and the two Elites die)
Warden: Oh shit.
MC: Bring it on, Goldie!
Warden: RIDICULOUS LEAPING ATTACK! (lunges at the Master Chief, his sword raised)
MC: Moron. (puts a better part of his MA5B's magazine into the Elite before the alien lands)
Warden: My shields!
MC: Bye now! (unloads the rest of the magazine into the Elite's elongated head)
(the Master Chief lets out the Marines and frees Captain Keyes)
Keyes: Coming here was reckless! Thanks...(walks out of the cell) Marines! Let's get ready to move!
Marines: Yes, sir!
Keyes: While I was being...interrogated, the Covenant were talking about this ring world. They called it
"Halo."
Cortana: One moment, dipshit, while I access the Covenant's internet. Which is mainly composed of
pornography and fetish sites. They're saying that Halo is a weapon with vast, unimaginable
power.
MC: Like Dragon Balls? Does it pulsate with the power of a thousand moons?
Cortana: More. And shut up with that joke. (A/N: look for "Harry Potter Meets DBZ" on
Newgrounds) Anyway, they're looking for Halo's control room. At first, I thought they were directing scout
parties to the bridge of a ship I disabled.
Keyes: This is bad. If the Covenant get to the control room first, they'll be able to use Halo to pwn the
human race. We'd be pretty fucked.
Cortana: No shit, Sherlock.
MC: Respectfully, sir, I think we should get the hell out of here before we start planning any campaigns.
Keyes: Let's move!
(the doors give off that damned tone; just before they open, the MC chucks a frag grenade at the door)
Marine 1: Nice throw.
(The grenade goes off and kills the two cloaked Elites standing right by the door.)
Elite: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
MC: Hehehe. Elites go boom!
(they make their way back to the bridge, watching as the MC slaughters the Covenant troops)
Cortana: (over the radio) Hey, slut! We need a ride outta here!
Foehammer: (over the radio) Sorry. You guys need to find your own ride, 'cause I'm being chased by
Covenant fighters.
Cortana: Well, we don't have evac, Captain.
Marine 3: Aw, man! We're trapped in here! We're screwed! We're screwed, man!
Marine 2: That's a big fuggin' understatement.
Keyes: Quit bitchin', you whiny crybabies. Cortana, if we can get to one of those Covenant dropships,
we can make like Grand Theft Auto and hijack it.
Cortana: I like the sound of that, sir. There's a dropship still docked.
Keyes: (breaks out a baseball bat) Let's get this party started.
MC: (staring) ...You're fuckin' kidding me.
Keyes: (smacks the MC with the bat) Do not mock the Mighty Smiting Bat!
MC: (stares) "The Mighty Smiting Bat?"
Keyes: Yes! The Mighty Smiting Bat!
Grunts: EEEEEEK! SMITING BAT! RUN AWAAAAYYYY! (scurry away as Keyes chases after them,
swinging the Mighty Smiting Bat)
MC: (exchanges looks with the Marines) Shall we?
(they all shrug and follow Keyes down to the hangar)
(They arrive at the hangar)
Elite: Wort wort wort! (gets smited by the Mighty Smiting Bat) URK!
Grunt: (gasps) LEADER DEAD! RUN AWAY! (gets smited by the Mighty Smiting Bat and plunges to his
doom at the bottom of the hangar bay) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! SPLAT!
Keyes: (swinging the Mighty Smiting Bat around wildly) WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?
Marine 1: I think you got him, sir.
Keyes: Oh...okay.
MC: I pushed the button!
(the dropship maneuvers so that it can load up passengers)
Keyes: Okay, everyone mount up!
Cortana: Give me a minute to access the flight computer.
Keyes: No need. I'll take this bird out, myself.
(The Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins starts playing)
Cortana: Captain! Hunters!
(a pair of Hunters run into the hangar bay, their fuel rod guns priming)
Keyes: Hang on! (accidentally reverses the ship into the wall) Oops. Here we go!
(the ship flies forward
and turns the Hunters into orangey, gooey pulp)
Marine 2: (singing) IIIIIIIIIIII weeeeeent tooooooooo theeeeeeeee DANGER ZONE!
Marine 3: (singing) Take it riiiight iiiiiiiiinnnnnnnntoooooooo the DANGER ZONE!
Cortana, Chief, Keyes, and Marine 1: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(the dropship tries to leave the hangar bay and crashes into the wall instead)
Keyes: Oops.
(the dropship maneuvers around and finally leaves the dropship after hitting the edges of the bay a few more times)
TO BE CONTINUED!
Next time: The Random-and-Not-So-Silent Cartographer
Author's Notes: MUHAHAHAHA! Yet another chapter done. I was having a hard time trying to make this one amusing. It will probably only get harder and harder as I go through the missions. Blargh, I suck. I will probably recycle jokes. MUHAHAHAHA!
Tiger Tank