Tiger Tank
Mission Four: The Random-and-Not-So-Silent Cartographer
Scene: It's a beautiful and sunny day, with little or no cloud cover. Beautiful day to go to the beach! The UNSC Marine strike force aboard the flight of Pelicans thinks so, too, as they are being dropped on the beach for a barbecue. The Master Chief is gazing warily outside the OPEN rear hatch of his Pelican dropship at the second dropship which is a scant fifteen meters away, flying in the jetwash with seemingly NO TURBULENCE OR ANY DIFFICULTY AT ALL.
Cortana: (VO) The Covenant believe what they call the "Silent
Cartographer" is somewhere on this island. The Silent
Cartographer is a map room of Halo's surface. We need to find it
in order to find the location of Halo's control room.
MC: (playing Tetris on the old gray Gameboy; humming)
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da-dum!
Da-da-DA-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum!
(the MC gets bitchslapped by a giant mouse-pointer) OW! Dammit!
Cortana: (VO) Pay attention, dammit!
Foehammer: (radio) We're approaching the L-Z! It's gonna be hot! Get set to come out swingin'!
(the Pelican hovers a scant meter above the sand and creates a sandstorm with its thrusters)
Foehammer: (radio) Touch down! Hit it, Marines!
(the Master Chief jumps out of the Pelican and joins the Marines as
they assault the entrenched Covenant forces, who are, for some odd
reason, wielding an MG42 machinegun and are wearing WWII-style steel
German helmets)
Red-Armored Elite: ACHTUNG! Ze human good guys! FIRE!
(the machinegun crew, a pair of Grunts, begin firing immediately)
Marine: (gets shot and starts writhing on the sand) AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!
(a bullet hits another Marine in the helmet)
Marine: (takes off his helmet) WOW! I WAS SAVED! (gets his head splattered by a few other bullets)
MC: This is fucktarded. (chucks a pair of grenades at the Covenant forces)
Grunt: GRENADE BAD! (ASPLODES!)
(the grenades wipe out all of the Covenant troops hiding among their little cargo containers)
MC: Chaaaaaarge! (leads the Marines and wipes out the remaining Covenant troops)
Foehammer: (over the radio) Somebody order a Warthog?
Marine: (over the radio) Hey! I didn't know you made house calls, Foehammer!
(the Warthog drops from the Pelican right on the Master Chief)
MC: Ow.
Foehammer:(over the radio) Sorry, Chief!
MC: (gets out from under the 'Hog and climbs in behind the wheel) S'all right.
Marine Passenger: (hops into the seat) Game on!
Marine Gunner: (clambers aboard and mans the chaingun) Let's roll!
(the Warthog accelerates. They battle their way to the entrance and pwn all the Covenant guards)
MC: (gets out) You guys cover me. I'm going in!
Marine Gunner: You got it.
MC: (runs in up to the entrance) Almost...
Cortana: (VO) Don't let them close the--!
(the door seals itself)
Cortana: (VO)...Door.
MC: ...there.
Elite: The Demon!
MC: Meh. (chucks a pair of plasma grenades that stick onto the Elite and one of the grunts)
Unfortunate Grunt: NOT AGAIN! (BLAM!) WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Elite: WAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (PWNZORED!)
Cortana: (VO) Well, crap. (gets on the horn) Cortana to Captain Keyes.
Keyes: (over the radio) Yo, bitch! S'up?
Cortana: (over the radio) The Covenant are slowing us down, some.
Keyes: (over the radio) Okay. Just do what you gotta
do. We have to find Halo's control center, no matter the
cost! Failure is not an option.
Cortana: (over the radio) Aye-aye, sir.
Foehammer: (over the radio) I'll stay on station and keep and eye out for Covenant bogies.
Marine NCO: (over radio) Second squad, ready to roll as soon as everybody's top-side.
Keyes: (over radio) Good luck, people. Keyes out.
MC: So now what?
Cortana: (VO) There should be a security room where we can unlock the door.
(they arrive on a scene with plenty of Covenant and an abandoned Warthog with dead Marines and all manner of munitions laying around in the blood-stained sand)
Grunt: HUMAN!
Marine Gunner: EAT THIS, BASTARD! (opens up and turns the Covenant into hamburger)
MC: (walks up and picks up one of the hamburgers)
Hmmm...(sniffs) bleaugh! McDonald's hamburgers! The
Covenant truly must be evil!
Marine Passenger: (whining) I'm hungry. Pass me one o' those, wouldja, Chief?
MC: No.
Marine Passenger: Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeee?
MC: NO!
Marine Passenger: (whining) You're not nice!
MC: Meh...(leaves)
Marine Gunner: You're such a lazy ass.
Marine Passenger: I know. But I'm hungry.
Marine Gunner: Y'got any weed?
Marine Passenger: Naw...I forgot it.
Marine Gunner: FOOL! (slaps the Marine Passenger's helmet) NOW HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET HIGH?
Marine Passenger: I don't know. Snort sand?
Marine Gunner: ...You are a goddamned idiot.
Marine Passenger: I know you are, but what'm I?
Marine Gunner: Shut up.
Marine Passenger: Isn't this scene supposed to be done? Go bother the Chief! (glares at the camera)
(the Master Chief - after slaughtering a pair of Hunters, a pack of Jackals and Grunts, and an Elite - finally arrives at the security console)
MC: Finally! (stares at the dazzling holographic display) Oooooh...soooo pretty...
Cortana: (VO) Chief? You're drooling in your helmet.
MC: (snaps out of it) Oh! Oh! Right! (presses the button) I pushed the button!
Cortana: (VO) That you did, Chief. That should open the locked door. Let's get moving!
MC: Y'know, it almost feels like a goddamned Zelda game...
Cortana: (VO) Hush!
Stealth Elite: I WILL ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE BY MAKING LOUD AND OBVIOUS SOUNDS!
MC: Ghosts! EEEEEK!
Stealth Elites: ...
Cortana: (VO)...Idiot.
MC: Oh. Right. (looks carefully, then shoots both the cloaked Elites in their heads)
(the Master Chief makes his way back to the waiting Marines, who are eating lunch)
Marine Passenger: Aww, man! He's back! (puts away the Arby's sandwich)
MC: Let's go! (puts the pedal to the metal)
(they arrive to find that Hunters have taken up positions by the entrance)
Marine Gunner: Oh shit!
Hunter 1: Demon! Your slaughtering of innocents ends here!
Hunter 2: (poses and does a girly little pirouette; in a bad falsetto) In the name of the moon, I will punish you!
(everyone nervously stares at Hunter 2, including the camera and recording crews)
Hunter 2: Oh...oops. Hehe. What?
Hunter 1: You're not my bond-brother. I don't even KNOW you.
MC: Whatever. (runs them both over, accidentally getting one of the cameramen, and enters the facility)
(after slaughtering the Hunters...)
Foehammer: (over the radio) Incoming enemy dropships!
Marine NCO: (over the radio) Everyone get ready!
Cortana: (over the radio) Can you guys make it inside?
Marine NCO: (over the radio) Nah! It's too far of a walk! We'll be fine!
Cortana: (over the radio) Okay, it's your funeral.
MC: So...
Cortana: (VO) Let's get this over with and find that map, Chief.
MC: 'Kay.
(after slaughtering the Grunts and the Elites)
Cortana: There! That's the Silent Cartographer!
MC: Okay. (presses the button) I pushed the button!
Cortana: (VO) Shut up. Analyzing...how strange. A shrine is an unlikely place to put such an important room.
Cortana: (over the radio) Cortana to Captain Keyes! We've found the location of Halo's control center!
Foehammer: (over the radio) Sorry, Cortana. We've lost
contact with the Captain. He's either out of range or having
equipment problems.
Cortana: (over the radio) No, really? Well, we need to get to the control room. Give us a ride, bitch.
Cortana: (VO) Let's get back to the surface, Chief.
MC: Sounds good. (shudders)
Cortana: (VO) What's wrong?
MC: I felt a disturbance in the Force. It was as though
the entire squad of Marines suddenly cried out and died because of a
lame-ass game trigger.
(the Master Chief leaves and finally emerges at the surface after slaughtering all who opposed him)
MC: Finally. (gets aboard the Pelican)
Cortana: (over the radio) Here's a flightplan and crap I've
worked up for you to follow. I just hope you're not
illiterate.
Foehammer: (over the radio) You crazy, bitch! This is underground!
Cortana: (over the radio) Since you obviously didn't notice,
I'll have to tell you: Halo is honeycombed with underground
tunnels. We can use them to get to the Control Room.
Foehammer: (over the radio) Whatever, you crazy whore. This thing can't turn on a dime, y'know!
Cortana: (over the radio) Look at it this way, dumbass. The Covenant wouldn't expect us to do anything this stupid.
MC: So...uh...where'd Keyes go, anyway?
Cortana: (VO) He interrogated a Covenant prisoner and got the location of a big Covenant liquor and weed stash.
MC: That lucky f--!
(meanwhile, in the swamp...)
Keyes: Let's get this door open! For booze and weed awaits me! Er...I mean, us!
Marine: Okay, sir. But it looks like the Covenant worked pretty hard to lock it down.
Keyes: JUST DO IT! Daddy needs his happy juice. Keyes needs the happy stuff!
Marine: Okay, okay! (presses the key and mutters) Goddamned spaz...
(the door opens and they enter...the door ominously closes behind them
and locks itself; a moment later, there is desperate pounding on the
door and muffled screams coming from the other side)
Keyes: (on the other side of the door) THAT ELITE LIED TO MEEEEEEEEEEE! (screams like a little schoolgirl)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Next time: Assault on the Room of Shining and Blinking Lights!
Author's Notes: Hey! I didn't have to recycle jokes as much as I had anticipated. I never got around to it, but thanks for the reviews and encouragement, guys. Unfortunately, as it was in the game, the next mission will be the last we ever see of the stoner marines! O noes!
And no, we haven't seen the last of the Mighty Smiting Bat of DOOM! But there will be other sacred relics that are as powerful as, if not more powerful than, the Mighty Smiting Bat. Who knows? I DON'T! I'M MAKING THIS SHIT UP AS I GO! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
As some people would say, I'm scary/insane.
Blitzkrieg6