Tiger Tank
Mission Five: Assault on the Room of Shining and Blinking Lights!
Scene: Inside the intricate, capillary-like tunnels of Halo, Echo-419 comes to a dead-end and maneuvers to deposit the Master Chief on a ledge where two Shade turrets sit. The Covenant Grunts panic and flee, crying for their mommies. And for the Elite who was obviously waiting in the corridor.
MC: (hops out) Booyah! (hops into a Shade turret and starts blazing away at the Covenant trying to exit)
Elite: (standing in the door way) For Mother Russia, comrades! Do not turn your backs on her!
Orange-armored Grunt 1: MOTHERLAAAAAAAAND! (charges out with the Elite and gets pwned)
Orange-armored Grunt 2: No way am I going out there!
Red-armored Grunt: Yeah. Fuck it.
(the MC enters the corridor where they were cowering and kills them both)
MC: Oooh...plasma 'nades! (picks them up)
Cortana: Let's get this over with, Chief...
(they fight their way through the corridors and the repetitive rooms, slaughtering all who would oppose them until they come to a door that opens into the outdoors)
Cortana: (VO) That's fucking weird. I guess whoever
designed this funhouse wanted this region of the ring to have inclement
weather.
MC: (shushes her; imitates Elmer Fudd) Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.
(Grunts can be heard sleeping)
MC: Hehehehe...(breaks out a can of shaving cream) Raid time!
(the MC quickly goes to work, spraying shaving cream on the Covenant
Grunts. All the while, he and Cortana are snickering
uncontrollably and taking pictures. Their antics are
interrupted...)
Marine NCO: (over the radio) This is Fire-Team Zulu to any UNSC personnel!
(the Grunts wake up, blinking and shocked by the fact that they're covered in shaving cream)
MC: (promptly kills the Grunts by farting) Dammit! Ruined my fun!
(a Pelican flies over the bridge, then drops like a stone to deposit a number of Marines and a Warthog)
Cortana: (VO) Let's get moving, Chief.
MC: Blah. (slaughters the Grunts and Jackals and the red-armored Elite)
Bridge Guardian Elite: (brandishes his plasma sword threateningly) DEMON! PREPARE TO MEET THINE DOOM!
MC: Eh. (tosses a grenade which lands right next to the gold-armored elite)
Bridge Guardian Elite: EEK! A SPIDER! (leaps off the
bridge in an attempt to distance himself from the fuzzy, blue, glowing
"spider") WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!11
(hits the canyon floor with an audible and comical WHAP! like when Wile
E. Coyote smashes into the ground)
MC: Owned! (makes his way down, slaughtering numerous Covenant, and finally comes upon the exit into the cannon.)
(Author's Note: This actually happened to me. The bastard was
hiding behind the wall, so I chucked a plasma grenade. Trying to
avoid it, he leaped to the side and off the bridge. Flippin'
IDIOT! GOSH!)
(the Master Chief spots a nearby Shade turret, takes out the gunner, and fires at the far Shade gunner; the gunner dies.)
Cortana: (VO) Heads up!
MC: Huh? (avoids the plasma bomb of doom) Wow. What the hell?
Wraith Pilot: Die, Demon! I shall crush you with the sheer weight of my horribly inaccurate yet potentially lethal barrage!
MC: Meh. (advances toward the Warthog, sniping Jackals and
Grunts with the deadliest weapon in his loadout: the PISTOL! A/N:
What? It's actually pretty damned useful. Of course, it's
no Elite-killer like the Needler. Still pretty freakin' good,
though.)
Marine 1: Chief! Hey! Over here!
MC: Stand back! (flips the Warthog, which promptly smashes a Marine) Shit. Oh well. (hops in)
Marine 2: Crap! (clambers into the passenger seat)
Marine 1: Game on! (mans the chaingun)
(the Master Chief proceeds to run over and maim the Covenant, dodging most of the enemy's return fire)
Wrait Pilot: (trying to hit the Warthog) Grrrrrr...stupid...slow...projectiles...uh-oh! (ASPLODE!)
(the Chief and the Marines move on to the next part of the canyon)
MC: A SCORPION TANK! f0mgZ! (bails out of the
Warthog, leaving the Marines in the LRV, and rushes to get to the
Scorpion tank)
AI: Hello and thank you for piloting the M808B Main Battle Tank! You may call me--
MC: SHUSH! (starts blasting the Covenant, laughing like a maniac) AH-HAHAHAHA! FEAR ME!
(the Covenant in the immediate vicinity lay dead among the burning hulks of Ghost hoversleds)
Marine 3: Lets get the hell outta here!
Sgt. Johnson: Stow that garbage, Marine! Or I'll drill
holes in your dick, so that when you pee, it comes out in all different
directions!
Cortana: (VO) We need bullet-shields--er...help.
Sgt. Johnson: Okay, Marines! Time to pay back the Chief for saving your sorry behinds!
(the surviving Marines hop aboard the Scorpion Tank)
MC: It's PLAYTIME! (he blazes through the level,
destroying Grunts, Jackals, Elites, Shade Turrets, Ghosts, Wraiths,
Banshees, and even a few pairs of dancing Hunters until...)
(at those stupid pillars that won't let you pass with the tank)
MC: (trying to force the tank through) NOOOOOOOO! This isn't fair! Why can't I bring the tank with me!
Sgt. Johnson: Just let it go, Chief.
MC: NO! NO! I don't wanna! (gets electrocuted by Cortana) Owww! Fine!
Cortana: (VO) Just keep going, you big baby.
Marine NCO: It's probably the Covenant's fault...
MC: Yes...(whips out...) Those Covenant infidels shall pay for forcing me to separate from my love...
Marine 3: Is that...?
Marine 5: It couldn't be!
Marine 6: Dude!
Marine 2: It is!
Marines: THE MIGHTY SMITING BAT!
(The Master Chief pwns the cloaked Elite)
Grunt 1: We're fucked.
Grunt 3: Yup.
(they both turn and run away screaming)
Grunts 1 & 3: US FIRST! WE'RE SMALLER! WAAAAAAHHHH!
MC: RAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH! (clocks
the Grunts and the Jackals with the Mighty Smiting Bat, effectively
crushing their skulls)
(As the Master Chief rushes from the cave, a Grunt manning a Shade turret spots him)
Grunt Gunner: HUMANS! (starts firing the Shade's plasma cannons at the Chief)
MC: ... (chucks the bat with such force that it sends the Shade
and its gunner flying off the cliff; it magically returns to him like a
boomerang. Just like in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of
Time!)
Elite: (runs down the other hill) RAAAAUUUUUUGH! URK! (gets owned by the Mighty Smiting Bat)
(the MC leads the charge with the Mighty Smiting Bat, which is glowing with an awesome and righteous light)
MC: BURN, HERETICS! (swings the Bat in the direction of a pack of Grunts, and they suddenly burst into flame)
(shortly, the Master Chief has left behind his compatriots and is making his way to the Control Room.)
Control Room Guardian: (dressed up like a WWII Russian officer
and giving a speech through a megaphone) We shall stop the Humans'
Champion! Here: at the Control Room! The Prophets and your
loved ones are all proud of you! If any of you retreat without
orders, you will be shot! If any of you hesitate, you will be
shot! If any of you question orders, you will be shot!...
Grunt: (raises hand) Excellency, wouldn't it be wiser to guard
the Control Room itself, rather than the entrance? (gets shot and
reduced into a pile of goop)
Control Room Guardian: (puts away the venting plasma rifle) Does anyone else have objections?
MC: (steps onto the scene) I do.
Control Room Guardian: THE DEMON! (ignites his plasma sword)
MC: (sticks a grenade to the gold-armored Elite's helmet) Bye, now!
Control Room Guardian: (rushes at the Master Chief) YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR OWN FATE! WE DIE TOGETHER!
(the Master Chief sidesteps and trips the Elite, who is sent tumbling to the bottom of the pyramid)
Control Room Guardian: WAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! (BOOM!)
Grunt 1: Leader dead! Run away! (gets owned by the Smiting Bat)
Blue-armored Elite: He has the Mighty Smiting Bat!
Red-armored Elite: Do not fear...(breaks out...)
MC: (halts) No!
Grunt 2: The Destroyer! We're saved!
Red-armored Elite: Prepare for pain, Demon! (lashes at the Master Chief with The Destroyer, wielding it like a naginata)
MC: Ack! (parries the blow)
Grunt 3: Who wants popcorn?
Blue-armored Elite: Gimme!
Grunt 4: (breaks out a boom box which starts playing Duel of the Fates) Me likey popcorn!
(the Covenant watch as the two warriors duke it out with their sacred relics)
Red-armored Elite: I can smell your fear!
MC: Do you even know where that thing's been? It's been in
Keyes's ass! Not to mention god-knows-how-many crevices and
holes.
Red-armored Elite: ACK! (chucks the thing at the Master Chief, who dodges it Matrix-style)
MC: You've just disarmed yourself, bitch.
Red-armored Elite: Oh, poo-doo.
Blue-armored Elite: I guess it's the end of the road for us.
(the MC slaughters them all)
MC: Yay. (moves on and enters the control room)
Cortana: (VO) Try that panel.
MC: Blah, blah, blah! I'm the MASTER CHIEF! I think
I'd know how to use a goddamned computer! (looks at the screen)
"Push Any Key." (pauses) Which one's the "'Any' Key?"
Cortana: (VO) Ugh...idiot! Just stick me in there.
MC: ...? (looks)
Cortana: (VO) No! Not there! There!
MC: ...? (looks)
Cortana: (VO) Yeah. That one.
MC: (sticks her in) How is it?
Cortana: (appears in the holographic display) Holy CRAP!
There's photo-shopped pics of you and Samus getting it on!
And...Keyes getting ass-raped by those Covenant. Oh, hey!
There're those pictures we took when we were raiding the Grunts on the
bridge! Eww...the Prophets dominating the Arbiter? Tartarus
and Miranda Keyes? AAAAAUUUUUUUGH! THE IMAGES!
(gets bitchslapped by a gigantic mouse pointer) Ow. Okay...
MC: Whoa...slow down. You lost me at me and "Samus" getting it on. Who the fuck is Samus?
Cortana: Don't you know anything? (shows him a picture)
MC: Whoa...she's kind of hot.
Cortana: She's single...
MC: Sweet!...Er...I mean, let's stay focused. How do we use Halo against the Covenant?
Cortana: You must gather the three stones and bring them to the Temple of Time. Uhh...no, wait. Um...
MC: Uhhh...What is Halo, anyway?
Cortana: Halo is a fortress world, designed to...that can't be
good. Keyes! That booze and drug stash he's looking
for!
MC: What? What is it?
Cortana: It's...! Nah. I'll let you find out the hard way.
MC: You're such a fucking bitch.
Cortana: And proud of it!
MC: Fuck...(walks out of the Control Room)
(the UNSC encampment; like in the book)
Guard 1: (smoking weed) Dude...guard duty sucks.
Guard 2: I hear that. (inhales deeply) Could be worse.
(a little tentacled horror lurks in the shadowy brush just behind them)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Is the Control Room really a storage device for the omniscient Forerunner's porn collection? Where did the Grunts get the boom box? What is that tentacled horror stalking those hapless, stoned Marines? What happened to Keyes? Why the hell is Johnson in this mission when he's supposed to be with Keyes? What new dangers and adventures await the Master Chief?
Next Time: The UBAR-SUPER-1337-NINJA-KILLER-SPACE-ZOMBIES! (Or "The Space Zombies")
Author's note: Yes, I acknowledge that I'm biting off of Combat Devolved's jokes. Mainly because: a) I was out of ideas for jokes; and/or b) they were just that good. But that's not the only thing I've been biting off of, or making fun of, if one were paying attention. 'Sides, it's for fun. No need to point out what's already quite blatantly obvious. Just try to enjoy it. If you can't, then just stop reading. It's that easy.
Besides, this is partly my venting about how messed up Halo is. Yeah, it's a frickin' game. But there are some things that can't be forgiven. Some of these things must be made fun of, because I feel that they are just plain ridiculous. That's kind of why I used the joke about the crappy game physics in the first mission. I was also pissed that you couldn't pick up a weapon prior to meeting up with Keyes.
Yes, I know my writing isn't that great. But hey, it could be worse. A lot worse. Either way, though, thanks for reading and reviewing.
TigerTank