Tiger Tank
Mission Six: The UBAR-SUPER-1337-NINJA-KILLER-SPACE-ZOMBIES! (Or "The Space Zombies")
Scene: The camera moves through the dark and spooky swamp with a bunch of fleeing Covenant. It stops at a pond where Echo-419 is dropping off the Chief. Carrying an M16A1 and somehow managing to fit a steel-pot helmet on his head (with the old 'Nam camo pattern helmet cover), he hops off the Pelican with music from the 1970s blaring from the gunship's PA.
Foehammer: Once you find Captain Keyes, call me and I'll pick you up, Chief.
MC: Thanks, Foehammer.
(the Pelican dusts off, and the Master Chief walks out of the pond. He notices the fleeing Covenant)
MC: This is weird. They usually run away from me. Not toward me.
Grunt: DEMON! We kill you now!
(the Master Chief slaughters them all)
MC: All too easy...(hears a radio transmission recording and
sees a downed Pelican with weapons, munitions, and glowing signal cones
scattered around the crash site)
Recording: (staticky) ...Keyes has been captured. We've
been engaged by enemies...not Covenant...need...to
work...on...Shatner...impression...
MC: Hmmm...(picks up an ammo can of 8-gauge shotshells) Gee, I really wish I had a FUCKING SHOTGUN to use these shells with...
(the Master Chief makes his way through the swamp until he comes across
a downed U-boat which looks like it's been slashed into bits by a
powerful energy weapon)
Grunt: Curse you! (fires at the Master Chief, who rips a fart to kill all the Covenant at the crash site)
MC: That's weird. I thought it was impossible to down any
aircraft except for the Banshee. (spots the downed RX-78-2
Gundam)
MC: Ooh, sweet! A Gundam! (trots over and commandeers the mobile suit) Muhahaha.
(the Master Chief proceeds across a massive tree that is growing
sideways to form a bridge. He comes across a battle in
progress. Over the audio pickups, he can hear the chatter of
automatic weapons)
Grunt: (scurrying away) FLEEEEEEE!
(the Grunts and Jackals take notice of the Gundam and soil themselves)
Red-armored Grunt: Oh shit...
MC: Bye-bye, now! (opens up with the head vulcans and turns the Covenant into hamburger)
(the Master Chief spots the entrance to the underground "cache")
MC: Hmmm...I wonder...(tries to squeeze the Gundam in with little to no success) Dammit!
(the Master Chief makes his way deep into the facility, slaughtering the few Covenant standing guard until he arrives at a certain door...)
MC: Okay...let's do this. (the door opens and a Marine screams like a little school girl) Whoa!
Marine: (shooting wildly at the Chief) Stay back! Stay
back! You're not turning me into one of those things! Don't
touch me, you freak! You won't make me like them! I'll die
first! I'll die!
MC: What the hell is your malfunction?
Marine: (still shooting) Sarge...Bisenti...Mendoza...they're gone! Get it? GONE!
MC: Keyes! Where is Keyes?
Marine: (sobbing and still shooting) Played dead! That's
what I did! Played dead! Oh god, I can still hear
them! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
MC: Okay...(walks away)
Marine: (sniffles) Hey! Wait! Where're you goin'? Don't leave me here alone!
(the MC leaves the room and the door hisses shut behind him)
Marine: (whining) I'm scared...don't leave me...(he hears a slithering sound) Oh god...OH GOD! NO!
(a writhing swarm of shadows engulf the Marine as he screams shrilly like a little girl)
(meanwhile, at another door)
MC: (pauses) I coulda sworn I heard someone screaming like a little girl...(shrugs) Eh, whatever.
(the door opens and another Marine's body flops out)
MC: (shrieks like a little girl) EEEEEEEEK! (fires at the corpse) Oops...
(the MC enters the room, dragging the body with him. He picks up
the mission disc and views the mission log of one Private Jenkins...)
(aboard a Pelican, the Marines are getting high)
Marine 1: (exhales) Hey, Sarge? Why we gotta listen to this shit for, anyhow?
Sgt. Johnson: (takes a hit and growls) Watch your mouth, boy! This "shit" should remind you what we're fightin' to protect!
Marine 2: Sarge...we're listening to recordings of crappy
rejects from that old American Idol show. Don't we usually use
'em as psy-ops to confuse and demoralize the enemy?
Marine 3: "Crush the Nazis with your mind!"
Pelican Pilot: (over the radio) We're coming in! Get set, Marines!
Sgt. Johnson: Go, go, go!
(the recording fast-forwards up until they enter the room that the MC just entered)
Marine 3: I have a bad feeling about this!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Well, my good sir, I believe I created that
line. Therefore, you are in violation of copyright act section
four-oh-three, subsection three-hundred-and-thirty-three.
Sgt. Johnson: (guns the Jedi down) Shut up, sucka.
Marine 2: Hey, do you hear that?
(the Marines and Keyes listen)
Keyes: It sounds like...
(a swarm of Flood Infection forms overwhelm the humans and the recording stops abruptly)
MC: ...I think I'll be leaving now. (goes back to the door; it doesn't open) Uh-oh...
(the Infection forms flow into the room)
MC: Hmmm...(farts, making all of the little buggers pop) All too easy...
(a towering humanoid figure staggers into the room)
MC: What the crap?
Combat Form 1: RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR! Me hungry! You food!
MC: ...What the hell? (gets whacked and sent flying across the room) Ow...
Combat Form 2: OLIOLIOLIOOOOOOOOOOO!
MC: OH GOD!
Combat Form 3: I know kung fu! (poses)
MC: (runs out of the busted door, screaming) My ears! MY BRAIN!
(after battling countless phrase/nonsense-spewing Flood combat forms, the Chief manages to reach an elevator to the surface)
MC: (panting heavily)
Foehammer: (over the radio) Chief! Chief, are you all
right? I lost your signal when you went into the structure!
What's going on down there?
(the elevator stops and the Chief is greeted by a platoon of disturbed-looking Marines)
Marine 1: Chief! Thank god! We were attacked by these...these things! Recommend we get the fuck outta here!
MC: 3y3 4m t3h sn1p3r!11
Marine 1: CHIEF! SNAP OUT OF IT! (whacks the Master
Chief with the Mighty Smiting Bat, sending the Spartan sprawling on the
floor and breaking the holy relic in two) ...Ohhhh shiiiiit...
Marine 3: Dude...you broke the Mighty Smiting Bat!
Marine 5: Aw, man! We're screwed! We're screwed! Game over, man! Game over!
(all the Marines except for Marine 1 start crying like babies, fearing for their lives)
MC: (gets up) Oww...thanks, Corporal. (stops at the sight of the broken bat in the Marine's hands) ...
Marine 1: (gets nervous) Uh...er...I can explain...
MC: (sobs)...The Mighty Smiting Bat has been broken...THOSE
COVENANT SCUM SHALL PAY WITH THEIR SOULS! (whips out another
relic)
Marine 6: Oh god...
Marine 4: It can't be...it's not possible!
Marine 2: We're all gonna die!
MC: I hoped we wouldn't have to use this...but...(brandishes the Kitchen Sink) Time to break out the heavy artillery!
(the Marines exchange despaired looks and they all exit; they retreat toward a pond, and their numbers begin to dwindle)
Marine 4: We're fucked! We're gonna die!
MC: (wailing away on the combat forms with the Kitchen Sink) No
surrender! We shall take as many of them to hell with us!
(notices that all the Marines are dead) Oh, fuckberries!
(as the hordes of Combat forms close in, the Master Chief is mystically
teleported to the top of a structure that towers over the swamp)
MC: What the--? (gets hit by a glowing blue droid/bot/construct) D'OH!
343: Hello!
MC: What the hell're you? Are you a fairy?
343: I am the convenient and annoying plot device,
three-four-three Guilty Spark. And I am here to make your life a
living misery. I require your assistance; come with me.
MC: No way, pal! I've had enough of these repetitious
levels! Unless...the next one is going to be a change in
pace?
343: Uhhh...sure, whatever. Let's go! (teleports the
Master Chief) Haha. A level this far in the game that isn't so
repetitive? Silly human! (disappears in a column of light)
TO BE CONTINUED...
What happened to Amuro? Where has 343 Guilty Spark taken the Chief? What of Johnson? Or Keyes?
Why is the Master Chief carrying an M16? Why the fuck is it that people don't read the author's notes?
Is this the end for the Master Chief, who has become so desperate that he broke out the Kitchen Sink?
Next Time: The Spawning Pool of Crazed Librarians
Author's Note: Hey, guys. Apart from a certain reviewer (I'm sure it's pretty obvious who I'm referring to),
I would like to thank you guys for the props. I kind of enjoy writing this nonsense, and I'm glad you guys
enjoy it. I've been in the process of working on a serious Halo fic (it's been in the works longer than this
on-the-fly parody). Kinda weird, and I'm hoping that the idea will be novel. Break away from all the
"f0mgz, a self-insertion Spartan team!"; the "Marine-turned-Spartan/supersoldier"; the "badass 1337
ODST platoons"; and stuff like that. Don't get me wrong, the plot/stories are fine as long as they are
well-executed. And I like stories about the Marines (AKA: cannon fodder). It's just that some of them
are done to death - and rather poorly in some cases, I might add.
Anyway...I hope you guys enjoy the rest of this crazy crap. I'm over half-way done! D
Tiger Tank