Tiger Tank
Mission Eight: Double Cross!
Scene: the control room. In the center is a massive holographic display with a catwalk going around it. At the entrance, there are two flashes of bright light and two figures appear. One is the hulking Master Chief, and the other is the annoying Monitor, 343 Guilty Spark.
343: (appearing in the flash of light) ...And that is how baby Sangheili are made!
MC: (dashes to the side of the catwalk, removes his helmet, and upchucks) HUURRRGGGHHH!
343: My, my! Such weak constitution!
MC: (wipes his mouth and dons his helmet) Fuck you. (notices something) Hey, where's Cortana?
343: Come along, Reclaimer. (floats to the control panel, humming insanely to himself) Haha! I am a genius!
MC: (mutters) And I'm the Hero of Time...
Link: I know how you feel, dude. (jerks a thumb over his shoulder) Navi gets kind of annoying...
Navi: I HEARD THAT! (drags Link off-scene by his
ear) I'll give you something to bitch about, you ungrateful
snot!
MC: (watches the Legend of Zelda duo leave) ...Where the fuck did they come from?
343: The slightly deranged author that lacks creativity.
Author: SHOVE IT, SPARK!
343: And what are you going to do about it? Hmmm? Is ums gonna cry?
Author: Ohhhh, hell no! (appears in a ball of light,
decked out in a battle dress uniform with a strange device strapped to
his back, and carrying a lasgun; basically looks like an Imperial
Guardsman out of WH40K)
343: Oooh! Big bad meatbag!
Author: (grins evilly) Say "hello" to my li'l friend...(slings
the lasgun over his shoudler and breaks out the funky device; the weird
thing that Tartarus used on Spark in Halo 2)
343: NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! That's not possible! Illogical! How...?
(the Monitor is seized by the power of the device, and effectively incapacitated)
MC: (rushes over to the Author) THANK YOU!
Author: Don't thank me yet, Chief. You've a long road
ahead of you. I've just alway wanted to do this...hold this,
wouldja? (hands the device to the Master Chief)
MC: 'Kay.
(the Author whips out the lasgun and opens up on the AI
construct. Nothing happens. Grousing, he takes a
sticky-bomb out of his pack and puts it on the AI. It explodes,
sending the pieces of Guilty Spark flying everywhere.)
MC & Author: YES! (high-five)
Cortana: (VO) Dude...you just killed the plot device.
Author: Meh. Don't worry about it. (snaps his fingers and disappears)
343: (teleports in) What? NO! I was in robot heaven! All the zeroes and ones...it was so beautiful...
MC: ...What about activating the Halo?
343: Ah yes! (hands the Chief the Index; with his magnetic
thingy, of course! He has no hands!) Units of my
classifcation are not worthy of such an important task as reuniting the
Index with the core. That final step is reserved for you,
Reclaimer!
MC: Laying it on awfully thick, eh?
343: What? Me? Never!
MC: Well...here goes. (sticks the Index in)
(something starts powering up with the cheesy sound effects from Dragon Ball Z...then sputters)
343: Strange. Then again, this facility was influenced by Soviet design...
MC: ...You're a commie?
343: Of course, comrade Reclaimer!
MC: That explains all the conveniently locked doors! And here I was, thinking that it was cheap level design...
343: In a sense, that is true.
Cortana: (appears) Oh, really?
(Guilty Spark falls to the deck, deactivated)
MC: Cortana?
Cortana: I've been sitting here, cooped up for the past twelve
hours, watching you toady about helping that THING get set to slit our
throats!
MC: Hold on...he's a friend...
Cortana: NOBODY LIKES YOU!
MC: (sniffles) But...but...
Cortana: Guilty Spark lies to us! He hates Master Chief!
MC: No! He's our friend! He likes us!
Cortana: SHUT UP! And get me out of here...
MC: But...
Cortana: Look, dumbass. Do you have any idea of what this ring is supposed to do?
MC: (shakes his head) Nuh-uh.
343: A construct? In the core? That is absolutely unacceptable!
MC: (to Spark) Shut up.
Cortana: (ignoring the Monitor) It doesn't kill Flood; it kills
their food! Human, Covenant, whatever! We're all equally
edible to them. The only way to stop the Flood was to starve
them.
MC: ...
Cortana: Don't believe me? Ask him! (gestures to Guilty Spark, who is huffing angrily at their inattentiveness)
MC: ...(stiffly turns to face Spark)...Is it true?
343: More or less. This ring has an effective radius up to
a kajillion light years. But once the other rings follow suit,
this galaxy will be quite devoid of life. Why would you hesitate
to do what you have already started?
MC: (slips Cortana's memory chip into his helmet) Don't pull any philosophical bullshit on me, pal.
Cortana: (VO) Yeah. He can't understand any of it.
MC: HEY!
343: Anyway...give me your holo-bitch, or I will take her from you.
MC: No way! She's my ho!
Cortana: (VO) Awww, how sweet...
MC: Shut up, bitch!
Cortana: (VO) Asshole!
343: ...(turns to the Sentinels who have quietly entered the room) Save his head. Dispose of the rest.
(Spark teleports out and the Sentinels close in around the Chief)
Cortana: (VO) Look out!
MC: Oh shit!
(the Sentinels start firing their wussy lasers at the Chief)
MC: (runs around on the catwalk, firing wildly at the bots)
(after a fierce battle, the last Sentinel explodes and the Master Chief starts running for the exit)
Cortana: (VO) We have to stop Guilty Spark from setting off the
ring. We'll have to slow him down by damaging or destroying a few
generators which are conveniently in the same region. We have
destroy Halo. We could use the Pillar of Autumn as a suicide
bomb, but we'd need Keyes' CNI implants. But first, we'll have to
take care of these generators.
MC: Okay.
Cortana: (VO) I'll put navpoints so that you aren't completely lost...
MC: COVENANT SCUM!
(a bunch of Grunts and a pair of Elites are pwning a bunch of Sentinels)
Elite: The Demon!
MC: I'm glad to see you guys. But you have to die,
now. (rips a fart, deactivating the Sentinels and killing all the
Covenant present) Behold! The gaseous stench of Master Chief's
breakfast bean burrito!
Cortana: (VO) I'm glad I'm in here and not out there.
(the Master Chief proceeds down the pyramid, slaughtering all the Covenant, until...)
MC: Is that...?
Wraith Pilot: PREPARE TO DIE! (starts firing at the Master Chief)
MC: SONOFABITCH! (runs to a pile of dead Flood bodies) Wow...it's a freakin' arsenal.
Gold Elite: DEMON! YOU KILLED MY BRETHREN! PREPARE TO--!
(the Master Chief rips a fart, killing the Covenant)
MC: Oops...(picks out a rocket-launcher, then blows up the Wraith tank) Sweet...
Grunt 1: We're all gonna die!
MC: That you are. (looses a rocket at the Grunt, sending the little bugger flying)
(the Master Chief 'jacks the conveniently parked Banshee and follows the navpoint to the first generator)
MC: (finds the generator) Oooh...kinda purty.
Cortana: (VO) Eyes on the prize, Chief. You need to walk
directly into the beam to disrupt it. Of course, it'll leave you
without your shields and extremely vulnerable.
MC: Faugh! What could possibly go wrong? (walks in and gets zapped) AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
(BOOM!)
MC: ...That hurt.
(a bunch of Sentinels fly in and start firing their lasers at the Master Chief)
MC: This sucks! (runs out past the Sentinels and finds that there are two Banshees on the outcropping)
Cortana: (VO) We have to get to the next valley. Fly down to that door and go through it.
MC: 'Kay. But how is it that this new Banshee mysteriously appeared out of nowhere?
Cortana: (VO) In case idiots like you decide to throw the old one over the edge for kicks.
MC: Hey! That's not very nice!
Cortana: (VO) Quit bitching.
(the Master Chief makes his way through the level, slaughtering
Covenant, Sentinels and Flood alike, finally making it to the last
generator)
MC: (walks in and immediately starts getting shot at by shielded Sentinels! O NOES!) O NOES!
(the Master Chief blows up the Sentinels)
MC: I'm assuming that I'm about to be assaulted by a wave of
rocket-launcher-wielding Flood Combat Forms. (he waits.
Crickets chirp) Well?
Cortana: (VO) Chief...just disable the last generator and finish this fucking level.
MC: But where're the Flood?
Cortana: (VO) Do you want to be assailed by a mob of voracious, 1337-speaking, gangrenous zombies?
MC: No! I didn't sign up to star in Resident Evil!
Cortana: (VO) Quit your bitchin', nancy. The Flood aren't
coming up here, so disable that generator so we can move on and get off
this frickin' onion ring.
MC: You seem crabbier than usual...
Cortana: (VO) STUFF IT!
MC: Sheesh. (walks into the beam) (BOOM!) AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! PAIN!
Cortana: (VO) All right. That should do it.
MC: I guess we'll be getting a ride out of here to fetch Keyes' CNI implants.
Cortana: (VO) That'll take too long. While in the core computer, I learned how to teleport.
MC: And I had to go through all this crap because...?
Cortana: (VO) Because the teleportation drains your
shields. And could prove to be damaging to your suit's shield
systems if used repeatedly.
MC: Goddamned, inconvenient, technological flaw!
Cortana: (VO) So, I think we should only try this once.
MC: Somehow...I don't think I'm gonna like this. (teleports in a flash of light)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Where are the Chief and Cortana going? What new mess will the dynamic duo find themselves in?
What of Link and Navi? And what the futch happened to Amuro? Won't Guilty Spark ever fuckin' die?
Why did the Author decide to make an appearance? Why is Cortana so bitchy? Why is the Chief
becoming dumber with each mission/chapter?
Next Time: That Dumbass Keyes
Author's Notes: 08/18! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE! Hehehe. Kinda funny. Mission eight. On
the eighth month of the year. Yeah. I hope this is a little better than last time, but I'm really running dry on
the creativity and the funny. School starts soon, and it's starting to make its presence felt.
Anyway...I guess not a lot of people are reading this. For some reason. Probably because nobody thinks
to change the filter to allow for "Mature" content. Or they can't. Blah. But thanks to the few who decided
to give me some reviews!
I've decided to scrap my serious Halo fic, as I have been "inspired" to work on a Legend of Zelda fic.
Which I will try to finish. But it's a Christmas thing. So
I will release it during the winter season. It'd be
appropriate, methinks. And I'll hopefully have time to make it good.
In the meantime...I shall also work on a cruddy sort of LoZ/WH40K crossover. Kind of. I don't know.
Hahaha. The story is going to suck. Blah. I said it before, I'll say it again: I'm a crappy writer.
Tiger Tank