Tiger Tank
Mission Nine: That Dumbass Keyes
Scene: it's night time and the Truth and Reconciliation hovers over that same damned valley. But it's leaking coolant like crazy, and Flood and Covenant are duking it out on the ground with anything they can get their hands on. From folding chairs to weapons to Pokemon, they battle it out. The camera view switches over to an empty corridor. Suddenly, the Master Chief appears in a flash of light, still carrying his Vietnam-era gear, but armed with a wimpy plasma pistol (again) and an M16. However, there is one small problem...
MC: (falls onto his head) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (DONK!)
Cortana: (VO) Oopsies. Hehehe.
MC: (slaps the back of his helmet) Bitch.
Cortana: (VO) Sorry, asshole! There, I apologized. Now we need to get to Captain--!
Keyes: (VO) Chief...don't be a fool...no...booze...
Cortana: (VO) He sounds like he's in pain.
MC: (sarcastically) Naw, ya think?
Cortana: (VO) Bite me.
MC: How do we get to him?
Cortana: I don't know. Let me get our bearings...
MC: Screw this. (proceeds through the corridors,
slaughtering Flood and Covenant alike until he comes to a massive hole
in the deck. Down below is a massive pool of coolant.)
MC: I wonder if I can make it to the other side?...
Cortana: (VO) Chief, you'll have to--!
MC: (does a crappy imitation of Mario) Heeeeeere we
goooooo! (jumps and doesn't make it) Aw, crap! (sees the
pool of coolant below) I sure hope nobody peed in there!
(SPLOOSH!)
MC: Damn, this coolant's thick. And cold. Extremely cold.
Cortana: (VO) We'll have to make our way toward the gravity lift so we can get inside.
MC: Hmmm...(spots a fallen RGM-79C GM) How convenient! (hurries over and gets into the cockpit)
Flood Combat Form: 0mg j00 h4x0r n00b f4g!11oenoneone
MC: (smashes the combat form with the GM's fist) WHAT'S MY NAME?
Cortana: (VO; getting turned on) Mmmm...Chief!
MC: (ignores her and starts pwning the Covenant scum and gangrenous zombies) HAHAHAHA! I rule you all!
Cortana: (VO) Oh yeah!
Elite: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! (gets pwned by a Combat form and gets turned into one)
Elite Flood Combat Form: ur language iz silly! (finds
itself staring down the barrel of the GM's rifle) HAX!1! (gets
pwned by the Master Chief)
MC: (maneuvers the GM into the gravity lift, but nothing happens) What the...?
Cortana: (VO) Either the mobile suit is too big or too heavy, or
the Covenant shut off the beam. I'm guessing it's one of the
first two choices.
MC: Screw it. (the GM leaps and enters the hangar bay doors, blasting every living thing in the hangar)
Cortana: Nice job. At least we have an escape route.
MC: Yeah. Otherwise, I would've had to single-handedly
battle through a horde of Covenant scum and icky Flood zombies.
Amuro: (jets in with the Gundam) GAAAANDAAAAAAMUUUU! IKIMAAAAAAAAASSSSSUUU!
MC: Amuro Ray? What the futch are you doing here?
Amuro: I am Rooking fol Matirda-san!
MC: What?
Amuro: I said...man, fuck you, author! Ya racist bastard!
Author: (appears on one of the uppper levels, this time dressed
like a Storm Trooper from WH40K) Everybody's a little bit racist,
Amuro. Deal with it.
Amuro: Goddammit. You suck!
Author: No, you suck.
MC: You both suck.
Author: Watch your mouth, Chief.
MC: Or what?
(the Author snaps his fingers and a horde of drooling, dripping,
oozing, groaning, moaning, gangrenous Flood zombies mill about on the
hangar deck)
MC: Oh, fuckberries.
Amuro: Bah! (tears most of the Flood to shreds while he
stomps the rest into pulp) Anyway, I'm looking for Matilda!
MC: I thought she died, dude.
Amuro: What?
Cortana: (VO) Subject found. Matilda, or the Flood combat
form she was transformed into, is currently under the Gundam's left
foot.
(the author snickers)
Amuro: (maneuvers the Gundam so that it can look at its left
foot) MATIIILLLLDAAAAA! TEH NNNNNOOOOOOO! We
were supposed to get married! And have hot, gratuitous,
dominatrix sex in black leather!
Char: (barges in with his MS-06S Zaku II) AMUROOOOOO!
Amuro: (prepares to fight) CHAAAAAAARRRRRR!
Char: (breaks out the heat hawk of doom) AMUROOOOO!
Amuro: (breaks out the beam saber) CHAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!
Author: Goddammit! Get a fucking room, you goddamned douchebags!
Amuro & Char: Okay. (they both get out of their mobile
suits and start searching for a place to have hot, graphic yaoi
sex. But because the author doesn't swing that way, and because
he isn't totally insane, they are merely torn to bloody strips by a
gang of black-armored Grunts)
(the Master Chief finds a massive Flood Carrier Form. With Keyes' face on the back of its head.)
Cortana: (VO) HOLY SHIT! He's one of them!
MC: ...Dude...that's cool!
Cortana: (VO) You know what you have to do. What he'd expect us to do...
MC: (whips out a WH40K chainsword and starts hacking away) YAAAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOOOO!
Cortana: (VO) Sicko.
MC: (picks up the CNI chips) You know you like it. (holds up the CNI chips)
(cue the Legend of Zelda item theme) (DA-DA-DA-DAAAAA!)
Text: You got the Command Neural Interface chip implants. Stick these into your helmet so that Cortana
can turn the Pillar of Autumn's reactors into a freakin' bomb! SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB!
Cortana: (VO) O-kay. That was random.
MC: What're you talking about? This whole fic is filled with random nonsense!
Flood Combat Form 1: (barges in) WE WILL HEAR NO MORE INSINUATIONS AGAINST ZE GERMAN PEOPLE!
Flood Combat Form 2: Nothing bad happened in 1939!
Flood Combat Forms 1-6: (give and hold the Nazi salute) Sie werden sich hinsetzen! Sie werden ruhig sein! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!
MC: ...What the fuck?
Author: Sorry, Chief. Couldn't resist throwing that in here, somewhere.
MC: When I get outta here, you are so dead!
Author: Is that a threat? You know, a bunch of
gold-armored Elites armed with plasma swords and plasma rifles could
oh-so-conveniently show up and slaughter you. Then corpse-hump
you. Then cyber-rape Cortana.
MC: (staring)...I'll be good.
Author: I knew you would. (disappears)
(the Nazi Flood Combat Forms attack the Master Chief and are slaughtered)
Black-armored Grunt: (waddles in, wearing a Waffen S.S. helmet) ACHTUNG! ZE DEMON!
(a troop of black-armored Grunts waddle in, their weapons, including a
pair of Fuel Rod Guns, trained on the Master Chief)
MC: I'm pretty fucked.
Black-armored Grunt: Zat you are, Herr Demon.
(the Grunts are suddenly pwned by Flood Combat forms)
(after fighting his way through Covenant and Flood, the Master Chief returns to the hangar bay, only to find the mobile suits missing)
MC: WHAT? Dude! Where's my mobile suit?
Cortana: (VO) I dunno, dude! Where's your mobile suit?
Elite: Enough of your shenanigans, Demon! YOU DIE NOW! (gets pwned) Ouch!
MC: (hijacks a Banshee after killing the Elites guarding it) Yoink!
(two stars appear on the Chief's Heads-Up Display)
MC: What is this? Grand Theft Auto?
Cortana: (VO) Quit bitching. We just got one more mission before we're through with this stupid story.
MC: So where to?
Cortana: (VO) Home, James. We have a reactor to blow up.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Next Time: The Gaping Expanse
Author's Note: Blah. I hope that this one was funny. I
tried. College is pretty overwhelming to me. Lot of
crap to learn and cover. I just hope I can hack it. Anyway, just one more to go before I finish doing this
silly series. I'll try to work on it, but I haven't played the missions in a long, long time.
And speaking of things I haven't played or seen in a long, long time, I'm still working on that LoZ/WH40K
crossover. It's pretty fuckin' lame. I tried, though.
I am guilty of Mary Sueism! f0mgz! TEH UBAR EVIL!
Hahahaha. Actually, I'm coming close to finishing it. I'm setting up the final battle between Link and
Ganon, the gigantic pig dude with those big swords of his. You LoZ folks know what I'm talking about,
right?
Anyway...yup. I've yet to start on that winter season fic that I mentioned before.
Tiger Tank