Tiger Tank
Mission Ten: The Gaping Expanse
Scene: A lone, smoking Banshee makes its way toward the downed Pile of Shit...er...the Pillar of Autumn. The ground is pretty torn up and dead-looking, probably because the giant spaceship landed on the surface, thus plowing up a huge stretch of the ring's surface. The Banshee begins its descent, heading for an empty lifeboat slot in the side of the ship.
Cortana: (VO) You're coming in too low! Pull up! PULL UP! (CRUNCH!)
(The wrecked Banshee plummets to the ground below as the Master Chief pulls himself up into the blown-out lifeboat bay.)
MC: Who da man?
Cortana: (VO) You did that on purpose, didn't you?
(The Master Chief holds up the twisted remains of his M16 and sighs)
MC: Meh. (ditches the FUBAR M16 and breaks out an M7 submachinegun)
Cortana: (VO) Hey! Where did you get one of those? Those don't appear until the sequel!
MC: Oh...really?
(They suddenly realize that a group of Sentinels are floating around the Chief's head)
MC: Ummm...crap.
Sentinel: Good-bye, meatbag.
(the Sentinels fire...)
(...and get shot to hell by the Chief)
Sentinel: (looks around) Robot hell?
Robot Devil: (appears in a gout of flame) HELLO, SINNERS! Let's play!
(The introduction to an upbeat musical number starts playing)
Sentinel: ...Oh hell!
(Back at the PoS crash site)
Cortana: (VO) Yeah...you fucked 'em up pretty good.
MC: Yup. (hurries off)
(At the mess hall)
Black-armored Grunt 1: Where food nipple?
Black-armored Grunt 2: (whining) Me hungry!
Black-armored Grunt 3: (whining also) Me thirsty!
Black-armored Elite 1: (to his fellow Elite, visibly irritated) Can I please kill them?
Black-armored Elite 2: Nope. We actually need them to fire the fuel rod guns. For some bizarre reason, we never seem to use them.
Black-armored Elite 1: Pfff. Heavy hand-held weapons are
for Brutes and humans. (gets pwned by a rocket) Owie.
That fuckin' hurt. (dies)
Black-armored Grunts: IT'S THE DEMON! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (start panicking and shrieking like little school children)
Black-armored Elite 2: STAND YOUR GROUND, YOU LITTLE COWARDS!
(gets a plasma 'nade stuck to his head) I spend my entire life
training for my current rank and position, and now this? Fuck it
all to hell. WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(ASPLODE!)
MC: (walks in) Hehehe. I love doin' that. (kills one of the grunts. Author's note: the only Covies you really see in this level are wearing black armor, so there's really no need to specify, right?)
(the Grunts start tossing grenades at the Chief)
MC: Eep! (takes cover as the grenades go off. But before he can reveal himself from cover...)
Grunt 2: DIE, DEVIL! (fires a fuel rod gun at the Master Chief's position)
(the Chief pops up from behind cover and chucks a grenade at the
Grunts. They dive away, screaming like little girls)
Grunt 3: GRENADE BAD!
MC: (fires his submachinegun at them) DAMN RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS! EXTREEEEEEEEME!
Cortana: (VO) Mmmm...that's so hawtt!
(the Master Chief, after much slaughtering of Covenant, Flood, and Sentinels, arrives at the bridge)
Grunt 1: DEMON! (fires a fuel rod gun at the Chief)
MC: (dodges and kicks the critter in the jewels) Ass. (puts the Grunt out of its misery)
Grunt 2: (snickers) Hehe. He said "demon" and you said "ass." Hehe. Get it? "Demon ass!"
MC: ... (kills the other Grunt) Jerk.
Cortana: (VO) Okay. Just slip me into the computer so I can overload the generators.
MC: Okay. But what about an escape route?
Cortana: (appears) Ummm...we'll not worry about that for now. There. The timer's set.
343: (VO) Hahaha. I am a genius! And I'm sapping
your databanks of information. Oh, and I've stopped the
countdown. Hahaha.
Cortana: Why that litte...(squelches Guilty Spark) At least we don't have to listen to his insane ranting.
MC: So how're we gonna blow up the generators, now?
Cortana: Well...I will make up some technobabble and we'll just have to destroy the reactors with explosive devices.
MC: You mean grenades?
Cortana: Duh. (pauses) Chief, get me outta here!
(Just as the Master Chief pops Cortana's chip into his helmet,
Sentinels start firing into the bridge from outside the
viewports)
MC: WEAK! (kills the Sentinels) So we're off to the reactor room, then?
Cortana: (VO) Yup.
(On the way, the Master Chief comes across an armory and starts reloading. He ditches the now-empty submachinegun and takes up a pistol. Looking through the racks filled with G3s, M16s, AK47s, MP5s, and various other assault rifles, he picks out an M4A1 with an M203 grenade-launcher attachment and his MA5B. He slings the latter across his back.)
MC: (admiring the M4) Sweeeeeeeet.
Cortana: (VO) You do realize that it uses a smaller round with less stopping power, right?
MC: But I get to use a fucking 'nade-launcher, baby!
(thinks about it) Damn. You're right. (Picks up a SPAS 12
shotgun) Booyah!
Cortana: (VO) Whatever. You'd be better off with the M90.
MC: Bleh. But it's not nearly as bad-assed as this one!
Author: (walks in, dressed like an Imperial Guardsman of the
Steel Legion) I remember this place! It had those fucking cloaked
Combat Forms on the other side of the room! (Author's Note:
I swear! I was exploring the armory and I found a crapload of
cloaked Combat Forms! Lazy Bungie programmers. Or
foreshadowing the future? Probably just a bug.)
MC: You're fuckin' jerking us, aren't you? Flood can't use cloaking devices!
Author: No, really! It really happened!
Cortana: (VO) Chief...I'm picking up movement...
(the other door to the armory mysteriously opens)
MC: What the...? (gets whacked) OOF!
Author: I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! But did you believe me? Noooo, no, no! "Flood can't cloak" huh?
MC: (kills the cloaked attackers, revealing them to be combat forms) Holy shit! You weren't kidding!
Author: Tricksy little combat formses! They not our friends! They hates us!
(the MC and Cortana, somehow, stare at the Author with perturbed expressions)
MC: O-kay. We're gonna go blow up the reactors, now.
Author: Can I come?
MC: ...Uhhhh...
Author: (waves his hand and murmurs) Of course I can come!
MC: (monotone) Of course you can come.
Author: (waves his hand and murmurs again) I have the hots for Samus Aran.
MC: (monotone) I have the hots for Samus Aran.
Author: (waves his hand and murmurs yet again) I made pee pee in my pants!
MC: (monotone) I made pee pee in my pants.
Cortana: (VO) As amusing as this is, I think we should get moving.
Author: 'Kay. (the Master Chief looks around)
MC: What the fuck just happened?
Author: (innocently) Nut'n. (snickers evilly off to the side)
MC: Cortana...what did he do?
Cortana: (VO) Nothing. It's what you did.
MC: What?
(As they make their way to the reactor rooms, Cortana recounts what the MC said)
MC: WHAT!
(in the reactor rooms)
MC: Okay. So I have to get up onto the catwalks, hit the
consoles, jump down onto the moving shaft, then chuck a grenade into
the vents. Lather, rinse, repeat?
Cortana: (VO) That's right, Chief.
Author: Ooh! Ooh! What do I get to do?
MC: You can burn in hell!
Author: (waves his hand) I wear Hello Kitty underwear.
MC: (monotone) I wear Hello Kitty underwear.
Cortana: (VO) Play nice, boys.
Author & MC: Yes, Cortana...
Samus: (lands next to them) Hey, guys. Can you tell me how to get out of here?
MC: Holy crap! Who're you?
Author: Your girlfriend, remember?
MC & Samus: Girlfriend?
Author: (waves his hand and murmurs) Samus, I want you inside me.
MC: (monotone) Samus, I want you inside me.
Samus: ...What the fuck?
Cortana: We need to blow up the reactors...TODAY!
Flood Combat Forms: HAX!111
Sentinels: OOGABOOGA!
(after a long, repetitive, and irritating process involving wholesale slaughter of Combat Forms and Sentinels, the gang is on the elevator)
Samus: (removes her helmet and gasps) Holy shit! What were those things?
MC: (jumps) Holy shit! It's you! And you really are hot...
Samus: Um...thanks.
Author: (snickers insanely to himself) "We must protect this house! We must protect this house!"
Samus: What's his problem?
Cortana: (VO) He's the author. We're at his mercy. And he's not exactly right in the head.
Author: I'm not crazy! I'm the only one that's not crazy!
Navi: Hey! Listen!
Link: Shut up, Navi.
MC: Who the hell're you?
Link: I'm Link! The Legendary Hero of Time! Wielder of the Master Sword!
Cortana: (VO) That's nice, kid.
Foehammer: (over the radio) Hey, guys! You alive, down there?
Cortana: (VO) No, we're dead! OF COURSE WE'RE ALIVE, YOU
DUMB BITCH! GET US OUTTA HERE! The reactor's are gonna blow
any minute!
Foehammer: (over the radio) Sheesh. Damn bitch! Hurry yo' asses up!
(they come across a bay filled with Warthogs. But the Master Chief finds...)
MC: What's this doing here? (points to The General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard)
Samus: Dunno, but I call shotgun!
(the Chief and Samus jump into the car like Bo and Luke)
MC & Samus: YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWWW!
(With the Chief behind the wheel, The General Lee takes off with Sheriff Coltrane in hot pursuit)
Coltrane: I'll git those Duke Boys, this time!
Link: (huffs) Great. What about us?
Author: (in a mock German accent) I haff somethingk else in mind. (strides over to a parked Panzer Mk.VI "Tiger" tank)
Link: What in the name of Din is that thing?
Author: Panzerkampfwagen Mk.VI Tiger heavy tank. Looks like a 1944 model...
(they both get in)
Author: Now, Link. I need you to be the machinegunner. I'll drive.
Link: If you say so.
Lawyer: (runs before the tank and pants) Too late. (points at the author) You there! You are in violation of
copyright laws, blah blah blah blah blah...
Author: Actually...lemme see that machinegun for a sec...(cocks the mounted weapon)
Lawyer: (looks nervous) ...Um...ah...blah...er...legal term...big word...
(the machinegun opens up, killing the lawyer)
Author: Take that! (starts up the tank and accidentally
reverses into the wall) Oopsies! Hehehe. (changes
direction and deliberately runs it over the lawyer's body as they leave
the bay) Hehehe.
Link: (cowering) Navi? Make the bad man stop!
Navi: Whaddya want me to do? Besides, that lawyer got what was coming to him.
(after a long, long, repetitive bout of racing through a corridor and pulling off Dukes of Hazzard stunts, the Master Chief and Samus arrive at the platform where Foehammer is supposed to pick them up. They get out and see the Pelican flying in with Banshees on its tail. And a TIE fighter?)
Darth Vader: (flying his funky TIE fighter) I have you
now! (fires and makes Echo-419 ASPLODE! in overexaggerated
explosions effects; the TIE zooms off into space)
MC: (drops to his knees) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Coltrane: (stops) I've got ya this time, you Duke boys...! Hey! You're not Luke and Bo!
MC: (still sulking) Duh!
Samus: (pats him on the shoulder) It's okay. (sees the
Tiger tank rumbling toward them) And I think we should get
moving. The author's caught up to us with his "mascot."
MC: Is that what that loud squealing and rumbling is?
Coltrane: Holy moly! (dives off the platform to avoid the tank; the sheriff's car follows shortly)
Shortly: (falling off the platform) AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
Author: (humming the Panzer Lied tune over the noise)
Cortana: (VO) I think we should get moving for the fighter bay! There's still a Longsword docked in there.
MC: Let's go! (he and Samus enter the car and take off, leaving the steadily advancing Tiger tank in its dust)
Link: (shouting) Can't this thing go any faster?
Author: Nope! It was notoriously slow! But nigh-invincible to the puny American tanks!
Link: (mutters) Yet the Germans had their asses handed to them by the Russians with their T34s...
Author: BLASPHEMY! (backhands Link)
Link: (gets all Bambi-eyed) You...you...(sniffle) You hit meeeeee! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (The Hero of Time starts bawling)
Navi: You made him cry! Boy, all the Zelda girls are going to give you a beating!
Author: (gulp!) Uhhh...I'm sorry.
Navi: It's gonna take more than that!
Author: I'm driving, dammit! Whaddya want from me?
Link: (brightens up) I want a horsie...
Author: You have Epona!
Link: ...And I want a boomerang...
Author: (deadpans) You have one, already.
Link: ...and a girlfriend... (he blushes and comes close to swooning)
Author: ...YOU HAVE GIRLS ALL OVER HYRULE, AND IN MY WORLD, FAWNING OVER YOU! PICK ONE, DAMMIT!
Navi: Touched a nerve, there, huh?
Author: (glares out the driver's viewport) You guys suck balls. And ass.
(Link continues to go down his rather lengthy wishlist)
(finally, after many Dukes of Hazzard stunts and running over of Flood and Covenant, The General Lee arrives at the fighter bay and falls apart. Literally.)
MC: Oh poop.
Samus: Look! There's the ship! And it's bigger than mine!
(a horde of Combat Forms stand between them and the ship)
Flood Combat Form 1: r0flz u n00b!
Flood Combat Form 4: Heal plz!
Flood Combat Form 15: Monies for a n00b?
Flood Combat Form 38: How u mine for fish?
Flood Combat Form 122: (points at Samus) HAY! A GRL! Lets cybr!11
Samus: (blasts the offending Combat form) Pig.
Flood Combat Form 113: Suicide is your only option. (gets blasted by the Chief)
MC: Come and get some! (starts firing at the Flood)
(BOOM! A shell whistles overhead and just misses the parked Longsword)
Samus: What the...?
(the camera whirls around to face the Tiger tank, which has just crushed the remains of The General Lee)
MC: I wish I were in there...
Samus: We're wearing armor. We probably wouldn't even fit!
(KABOOM! A bunch of Flood Combat Forms are blasted into bits)
Link: (reloading the main gun) How come I have to be the loader?
Author: (firing the machinegun) Because you can't aim! Aren't you done yet?
Link: Just finished. Can I--?
Author: Let me readjust...there! Fire!
Link: YAY!
(BOOM!)
Flood Combat Form 4: f0mgz u haxxing n00b fag!11 u sux0rz lyk ur mom u lam0! r0fl! (BOOM!) OW fuk u!11
Link: (gleefully) I pushed the button!
Author: So are you still going to sic your fangirls on me?
Link: Nah. I forgive you!
Author: (sighs in relief) Good.
Link: Uh-oh...
Author: What?
Link: No more bullets! (points at the tank's now-empty magazine)
Author: Fuck. Let's get out of this thing!
(After he and Link get out, the Author tosses a pair of grenades into the tank)
(BOOM!)
Author: Waste of a perfectly good tank.
Flood Combat Form 14: lolololz!11 u die, u n00b!1
(the Author kills the Combat Form)
Cortana: (VO) Uh, guys? I think we ought to get going. NOW!
(everyone piles aboard the Longsword, which jets out of the hangar bay, frying a bunch of Combat Forms)
Link: (whimpering) We're not gonna make it...
Johnson: (to the Elite) This is it. Hold me, baby.
(He and an Elite embrace...and the Elite grabs Johnson's ass)
Author: Get a room!
(the onion ring explodes in a fantastic explosion reminiscient of the
Death Star's new explosion. The one with the fancy shockwave
effect. The original didn't have that. ANYWAY...)
MC: Finally, I can take this helmet off. (removes the helmet to reveal...)
Samus: (GASP!) OH GOD!
Link: (stares) ...
Navi: Great Scott!
Johnson: Jesus!
Elite: Wort wort wort!
Cortana: (VO; screams) EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Author: Never woulda guessed...
MC: (with the back of his head facing the camera) What? What're you guys so freaked out about?
Samus: (glomps the Chief) TAKE ME! I'm yours, you hot stud!
Johnson: That was really unexpected.
Elite: Indeed. (everyone stares at him) I mean...ah...wort! Wort wort wort!
MC: (puts the helmet back on while being huggled by Samus) Cortana...erm...scan the surrounding debris for anything.
Cortana: (VO) Just dust and echoes, Chief. It's finally over.
MC: Wrong! It's just gettin' started, baby!
Author: Right! Cast party after the credits! w00t!
TO BE CONTINUED?...
Author's Note: Blah. I'm out of ideas. But I kind of had fun with this chapter, even though it may suck.
Even though it's a long shot, I hope everyone enjoyed this fic. And that it doesn't get lost in the piles upon
piles of...fics...that accumulate in the archives. Chances are that it will, though. How
depressing.
Anyway...yeah. I'm glad that I finally finished this one. Now I can concentrate better on other stuff.
Thanks to everyone that bothered to read and review. I'm glad that people enjoyed my humor.
Tiger Tank