Chapter Eighteen
Following the path of least resistance, conserving her depleted energy for what already promised—or more accurately, threatened—to be a hellacious day, Kendall simply towel-dried her hair and pulled it back, applied the lightest of makeup, and dressed casually once again in slacks and a simple top. While showering and dressing, she had tried to forget Zach and J.R., tried to clear her mind of anything except a prayer her family was still alive and would be found soon…but she kept getting tripped up by little things. Ethan's towels and toiletries lined up beside hers in the bathroom, his shirts and suits hanging in her closet.
She kept pausing to caress and inhale and reminisce…yet despite these solid reminders, the memories of Ethan they evoked were so frustratingly tenuous and ephemeral. It was as if the material objects he'd left behind, the sophisticated high-fashion clothes, the expensive colognes and aftershave lotions, all the proper selection, acquisition, and flaunting of which had been so important to him, possessed more genuine substance than Ethan himself ever head. Indeed, rather than giving the impression of having been owned by Ethan, they gave Kendall the sense that he'd been owned by them…where was the real Ethan in all this? Had there even been one beneath the hardening shell of his desire for display, for status, for accumulation?
If so, there didn't seem to be any evidence of it here among these blank, inanimate things he had reveled in being able to buy. Ethan had loved them, but to Kendall they were only symptomatic of the heedless greed that had already begun to take Ethan away from her before the plane crash. In reaching out to them, she found that his memory couldn't be sustained through them in any meaningful way. It slid away elusively at her approach…she could grasp at it but couldn't seem to hold it.
Given her lack of restful sleep and adequate nourishment recently, piled on top of her intense worry and grief, though, Kendall tried to tell herself she was too close to running on empty to feel connected to anything. She was lucky to even be functioning at all. This emotional detachment could even a good thing, a form of self-protection temporarily cushioning the impact of her loss…yet humbly bowing to fate wasn't the way Kendall normally reacted to disaster.
Was it because she felt guilty? Not just the natural human guilt inherent in praying harder for the rest of her family's survival than for the repose of dead Ethan's soul, but because the last person on the face of the planet—no, in the solar system—no, make that the entire universe—she'd ever expected to get a boost from had decided to help prop her up? No doubt about it, his father's presence in this tragic drama would have made Ethan writhe in fury, followed by full-scale retaliation.
Okay, Ethan, we need to put this in perspective. Just because Zach's been sort of decent to me and I've been sort of decent to him for a couple of hours doesn't here mean he and I are friends. It means we're both mourning you and we can't mourn and fight at the same time. You know I would blame Zach for this if I could, but I…I do think I was wrong about that. He's really devastated and isn't that really what you would want? And it's not like I'm rushing to tell him that. So why don't you feel any closer to me, Ethan? Why do you feel so far, far away?
There were no answers, just the feeling she was being mocked for her inability to find them even if there were….
Reappearing in the living room at last, Kendall found all traces of J.R. and his breakfast gone and Zach lounging on the sofa, one knee crossed over the other. She looked at him inquiringly.
Zach's gathered himself together and stood up. "Junior cleaned your floor before leaving for another pressing appointment."
Kendall's lips curved into an involuntary smile. "You must have scared the shit out of J.R."
"Impossible."
Her lips curved again before she clamped down on them.
"One more thing, Kendall. Perhaps being the target of Junior's—J.R.'s—little power play just now can help you understand what motivated me with Ethan. Why I might want to, why I might try to, intervene before he turned into another J.R. Or perhaps you can't, because Ethan wasn't that way with you. Either way—that's why."
"Are you saying it matters to you what I think?" Kendall asked curiously.
His vocal inflection was hard to decipher. "It doesn't not matter to me."
"Do I take that as a 'yes,' as a 'no,' or as a 'maybe,' Zach? Do you think you could be less enigmatic for once?" Kendall asked candidly.
He hesitated. "Kendall, Ethan hated me and loved you. I can no longer seek absolution from him, and I cannot place any burden from my failure on you. But what you think always matters."
"Zach, I said less enigmatic," she sighed.
"Take it as a yes," he conceded.
The somewhat reluctant concession moved Kendall more than she cared to examine or show. "Whatever was between you and Ethan and was between you and him, Zach. You don't need my blessing."
"No. Doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer it to your condemnation, but my preferences aren't the issue," he shrugged.
"Yeah, well…it doesn't mean I wouldn't, either," she owned.
The dark shadow over his brow almost imperceptibly brightened. "Kendall, last night I sincerely meant it when I said Ethan was lucky to have you." This from Zach sounded less reluctant, more straightforward…but no easier for Kendall to hear the second time.
"Maybe Ethan shouldn't have loved me either," she replied in a low voice where the words sounded wrung from her. "Maybe he shouldn't, because I didn't always think he was right, and I didn't always support him. For one thing, I was very upset when he stopped construction on the Miranda Center."
Zach said, "I know."
But the mention of Miranda's name acted as air brakes on the slowly lumbering train they rode, and put a stop to any traction it was managing to gain. The temporary ceasefire over Ethan's death had put Miranda, and Zach's intentions toward her, to the back of Kendall's mind…now they advanced toward her again, threatening to derail this fragile moment. Tackling Zach on the subject of Miranda's custody was urgent, more urgent than ever. Kendall had just one more question about Ethan for him first, a question she dreaded to ask. "Zach, have you decided on funeral plans for Ethan?"
Zach shook his head slightly. "You weren't in the room last night when Derek explained the process. Ethan probably won't be released for a day or two. After that…I don't know what Ethan would have liked. If you have any suggestions I'd like to hear them before I decide."
"Released?" she repeated, confused.
"From the State Medical Examiner's office in Colorado. That was where they took him."
"Oh." Kendall found it difficult to meet Zach's gaze. "Will you go out there to…get him? Bring him home?"
Zach had begun to pace a little. "I'll be looking into the necessary arrangements today."
"In a day or two…in a day or two, maybe they'll find Bianca. And Erica. And Jack. Do you think they will, Zach? Do you think it'll be…the—the same way they found Ethan?"
He stopped and looked at her. "I don't know, Kendall. I don't know. But I think it's wise to be prepared."
Then I may be going out there too. One way or the other." Kendall shuddered and turned away, not wanting him to see the tears suddenly brimming in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't talk about Ethan—about this—right now. Can we talk about it later?"
"All right. Derek suggested I contact a funeral home. Once I know all the options I'll ask for your input if I may."
She was able to nod.
"If you'll excuse me now, Kendall—I have that, and other, things to do," Zach said somberly. "I expect there'll be a phalanx of reporters waiting at both gates. I don't plan to stop on my way and give them a statement. Will you need another escort for that toy car of yours?"
"I don't know, Zach, I feel so shaky I don't know if I should even get behind the wheel. I can't just stay cooped up in here all day, though—I'll go crazy. How soon are you leaving?"
"In a half hour or so, when I'm showered and dressed. May I give you a lift anywhere then?"
The offer was tempting—so tempting. The more she leaned on Zach, the easier it got, Kendall realized uneasily. Again, she felt guilty, knowing how heatedly Ethan would have objected. But Zach's here and you're not, Ethan. You're not. Don't worry, my leaning on Zach is probably going to end up backfiring on me big-time, just like everything always does. But I'll worry about that happening later. I just can't think about it now.
"Kendall, did you hear me?" Zach prodded gently. "A lift somewhere? To Myrtle's? Or to Greenlee's?"
Greenlee's…. "Miranda!" Kendall burst out. "Zach, this can't wait." To reinforce her point, she moved to stand between him and the door. "We never had a chance to finish yesterday, and we need to talk about Miranda—you're not going anywhere until we do. You can't leave me high and dry."
"I have no intention of doing that, Kendall. I told you that yesterday."
"I know that's what you said before we went to Greenlee's. But while we were there you started sounding like you were changing your tune. Don't blindside me, Zach. I need to know exactly what you are planning to do, when—if—if Miranda's custody becomes an issue."
"No plans," he replied simply, "beyond what Bianca would want or at the least permit. I believe she'd want you to have custody of Miranda, and I also believe she'd permit me to see her from time to time."
"Is that really all you want, Zach?" Kendall asked, unable to keep uncertainty from her voice. "Just to see Miranda from time to time? I mean, you showed up at Greenlee's with expensive presents, like—like you're currying favor with her already."
Zach's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch. "I haven't had the pleasure of buying many baby presents. Do you begrudge me that?"
"No. No, of course not, but it makes me nervous," Kendall admitted. "Especially now. Do you begrudge me that?"
"You know what, Kendall, let's not make this a grudge match at all. Hopefully Bianca would have left written instructions that spell out both our rights. If not, in deference to Bianca I'm more than willing to support as well as take my cue from you. What I'm not willing to do is be shut out of my niece's life altogether."
Kendall found herself shivering again. On its surface Zach's firm declaration wasn't unreasonable. He didn't know, except by inference, that her very vocal suspicions about him ever wishing to harm Ethan had been allayed and that because of it, theoretically, at least, Kendall no longer had a very compelling reason to suspect him of wishing to harm Miranda either, and therefore to keep them apart. He didn't know Kendall agreed in principle that Bianca would not have forbidden Zach some access to Miranda. He didn't know there was absolutely no reason now why Kendall, in pressing him to support her, shouldn't have put his own mind at ease at the same time.
Why can't I? Kendall asked herself. Was it only because it felt like a betrayal of Ethan? Was the habit of considering Zach her enemy, of not trusting him, too engrained? Or was it also because, as Miranda's mother, Bianca was irrevocably in the cat bird's seat, where no lesser relative could rightfully threaten her position…while she, Kendall, was only Miranda's aunt? As Miranda's uncle, Zach's status was exactly equal to hers. She probably couldn't shut him out of Miranda's life even if she tried; especially not when she and Zach both tacitly acknowledged Kendall needed him if Greenlee should take it into her head to try to shut Kendall out.
She knew Zach was waiting rather impatiently for her to respond, but she still didn't know what to say.
She was the one who'd seen Bianca through her pregnancy, she was the one who'd tried to take the rap Bianca's murder of Miranda's father, the unspeakable Michael Cambias, she was the one who'd comforted Bianca through the thankfully only temporary loss of Miranda…sure, Zach was Michael's less unspeakable brother, but even if he'd come into their lives wearing shining silver armor and riding on a noble white steed instead of skulking as he had, it still wasn't fair for Zach to assume that gave him a standing from which to issue ultimatums. It wasn't fair for her to have to need his support. But that was the bottom line.
Finally Kendall took a deep breath said, "Deal. I will go by whatever Bianca wants too. Since we do both agree what that is."
"Now that's cleared up, I'll be going." Zach's expression had returned to one of unreadable imperturbability. "If you'll move from the door. And again—if I may drop you anywhere?"
Stepping aside from the door, Kendall said, "I suppose I'd better go beard the mama lioness in her den. Would you still take me to Greenlee's?"
"You got it," Zach said.