This is a goddamned parody. Lighten up, you sue-happy fucktards. I don't own, nor am I associated with, Bungie or Microsoft. I don't really own anything. But this silly fic that I decided to write, after reading number of parodies. Including Agent Smith's Halo: Combat Devolved. If you are offended by swearin and adult themes, then I suggest you bugger off.

Tiger Tank

Mission Eleven: The Cast Party

Scene: Aboard the Covenant Flagship, the Ascendant Justice. All throughout the cargo bays and hangars, numerous Grunts, Jackals, Elites, Hunters are partying it up. In a certain hangar, however, the cast is assembled and having their own little party; complete with big-screen TVs, surround-sound, XBoxes, Gamecubes, pizza...you know the drill.

Author: (takes a swig of water from a canteen) It was fun workin' with all of ya.
MC: (pwning Johnson, the Elite, and Captain Keyes at Halo) Hell yeah.
Johnson: Damn straight! (giggles) Ooh! Feeling frisky, are we? (grins at the Elite that just groped his ass. Again)
Elite: Wort wort wort!
MC: Ewwww!
Keyes: Get a room, dammit! Or at least invite me to join in! (takes a sip of Magic Kool-Aid) Mmmm...
Author: (to the commander of the ship) By the way, thanks for the lift.
Elite Ship Master: No problemo.
Cortana: So what now?
Author: 'Scuse me?
Cortana: What's gonna happen to us, now?
Author: Well...I was gonna just leave you guys alone. But...

(FLASHBACK! A few fans have gathered before the author)

Fan: TIGER TANK! PLEASE DO A HALO 2 PARODY! PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEE!
Author: (shrug) Eh, might as well.
Fans: (throw their hands in the air) HOORJAY!
Author: First...you must bring me a virgin!
Fans: (goggle at him) Da hell?

(END FLASHBACK!)

Author: I never did get that virgin. But I'll do the parody anyway.
Cortana: (shakes her holographic head) Lord, preserve our sanity.
Author: I thought you liked crazy? Oh wait, that was in Halo 2. (snaps his fingers and Cortana becomes even hotter and better rendered than before; somewhere, a few geeky fanboys are aroused)
Cortana: Whoa! Hey, now I do like crazy!
MC: Sweet. (his armor gets upgraded to the Mk VI) SWEET!
Author: Also, Chief - you lucky bastard - you get a commander that fawns over you. Meet Commander Miranda Keyes!
Miranda: Hiya, Chief! (winks)
MC: Uh...
Keyes: WHAT? Miranda, what're you--?
Miranda: Hi, daddy! (tackles her father) Hey...why are you all gross? And why are you bleeding green?
Keyes: Daddy's been infected by a Flood infection form, Miranda.
Miranda: (starts crying) But...but...
Keyes: Sorry. Chief, you take good care of my daughter!
MC: (stands and salutes) Sir! Yes, sir!
Keyes: You know what to do.
MC: Yes, sir.
(The Chief is about to draw his pistol but the Author blasts Keyes into cinders with a plasma rifle)
Miranda: NOOOOOOOO!
Author: (drops the venting plasma rifle) Damn, that's hot! Hot, hot, hot! (shakes his hand furiously)
Miranda: (throttles the Author and tries to choke him) YOU KILLED HIM! I'LL KILL YOU!
(the author nonchalantly whips out a neuralyzer from Men in Black, puts on a pair of shades)
Author: None of this ever happened. (FLASHY-THING!)
Miranda: (blinks) What'm I doing?
Author: Um...trying to get it on with me?
MC: Like she'll believe that.
Miranda: Really? Well, at least you're not like Johnson.
Johnson: I heard that, jackass!
Elite: (chuckles) Jesus Christ!
(the High Prophet of Truth enters)
Truth: (points at Johnson's lover) HERETIC! ARBITER! SLAY HIM!
Elite: Huh? Wait! NO! PUT DOWN THAT SWORD!
Arbiter: Burn, heretic! (slashes the Elite into bits)
Johnson: NNNNNOOOOOOOO! (sobs over the remains of his beloved)
Truth: Excellent work. Now, Tartarus, SLAY THE ELITES!
Arbiter & Elite Ship Master: Uh-oh.
Tartarus: Hammer time! (takes out his hammer of doom and chases the Arbiter and the Elite around the hangar)
Author: (glares at Truth) Dude, we're having a party in here.
Truth: Bite me, you filthy human! How dare you desecrate our Sacred Ring?
Johnson: (gets up and glowers at Truth) My name is Sergeant Avery "Slacker" Johnson. You killed my butt-buddy. PREPARE TO DIE!
Truth: Uh-oh. (screams like a girl as Johnson leaps onto the prophet's hover-chair and starts wailing on the High Prophet) EEEEEEK! OW! That smarts! OWIE! AAAAHHH!
Author: Fucking owned.
Truth: (attempting to fend off Johnson and failing miserably) TEAMS! TEAMS!
Author: SHUT UP! TEAMS ARE FINE!
Miranda: (pulls the author away) So...where were we?
Author: Hmmm...should I or shouldn't I?
Cortana: I thought she was interested in the Chief?
Author: Fine! (to Miranda) You! You love the Chief!
Miranda: Mmmm...'kay! (glomps the Chief)
MC: (stares at the Author) I freakin' hate you.
Author: Actually, it kind of makes sense. See, Cortana came from Doctor Halsey, and it's been speculated that Miranda is the love child of Captain Jacob Keyes and Doctor Catherine Halsey. In the novels, Halsey is described as being attracted to you, SPARTAN-117, so that may explain why Miranda and Cortana look so similar. And it could explain their fondness for you.
(the others have fallen asleep, including Truth and Johnson. Tartarus, the Arbiter, and the Elite Ship Master are also sleeping, having fallen asleep in mid-step)
Author: ...You guys suck. (walks over to the pizza and starts eating) Mmmm...pepperoni goodness...

END

Author's Note: Well, that was the lame-assed cast party. And yes, I've started working on a Halo 2 parody. It will be organized like this parody, going by the missions/cutscenes available in the campaign menu. But this time, it won't be in a script form. I'm almost done with the parodying of the "Heretic" cutscene.

Tiger Tank