Chapter Forty-Three
"Ahem. Excuse me for interrupting." Behind them the nurse from the night before entered the room, holding a folder. "You're officially good to go, Mr. Slater. Doctor Rowan gave you your going-home instructions earlier, I have a written copy here for you and your doctor's prescription for a painkiller, you've signed the release and insurance forms so all your paperwork is in order, and a hospital volunteer is on the way with a wheelchair. If Mrs., er, Slater, would like to drive your car around to the side exit, that's where you'll be delivered."
Smiling at the nurse, Zach draped his arm around Kendall's shoulders. "My wife and I plan to celebrate my release by going away and renewing our vows."
The nurse's eyes lit up as she handed Zach his copies of everything. "Well, if it was me I'd want to go someplace warm and tropical where I could celebrate and recuperate from surgery, like Hawaii or a Caribbean island."
"I think we will save that for later," Zach mused. "Not too much later, but right now it's the vows that count."
"I—I'll go get the car, honey," Kendall swallowed, ducking out from under Zach's arm and heading for the exit, followed by a cloud of confusion.
What was going on with Zach? It wasn't like him to be so—so unnecessarily obvious. Not that she would have objected if his performance was for real: Under the nurse's admiring gaze, she would have rubbed up against Zach like a pampered feline both marking her territory and signaling her pleasure at his attentions. But since, in the not too distant future, Kendall expected to resemble more a stray kitten looking for a new home, Zach's behavior only served to reinforce the magnitude of what she was going to be giving up.
Trying not to think about it while she focused instead on mastering the controls in the unfamiliar cockpit of Zach's huge Range Rover, Kendall drove around to the specified hospital exit to find Zach impatiently waiting for her, seated in a wheelchair in which he looked most uncomfortable. The elderly male volunteer behind him tried vainly to assist him, but Zach smoothly levered himself into the passenger seat and buckled himself in, wincing only negligibly. His wincing made Kendall wince much more.
"Where to now, Zach?" she asked, edging carefully away from the curb. "If you ask me we should go straight to the pharmacy and get your prescription filled."
"I think that would probably be a good idea," he admitted. "It's not a short drive to Virginia."
Kendall slumped in her seat. "Oh, Zach, I wish…."
"What do you wish, Kendall?" he asked softly.
"I wish we could. But you can't be serious about going today, and even if you were, I…well, I…look, let's not talk about it now."
"Name me a better time."
"Just not now. I'm not used to driving your luxury liner, Zach. I need to concentrate on what I'm doing here."
"Use your hands to steer and your right foot to go or stop. Beyond that the beast drives itself."
"Oh, you're a big help. I meant I'm not used to sitting so high above other traffic."
"You just drove past the pharmacy," he replied obligingly.
"Shit," Kendall swore. "Zach, you're distracting me. Why don't I take you home and come back for your prescription so you don't have to wait on it."
"Don't waste the time, Kendall, Just circle around the block. If there's a wait we can grab a cup of coffee and talk. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"What?" Kendall almost drove the SUV up and over the curb. Zach reached over her with one arm, grabbed the wheel, and straightened it out without comment. Instead of thanking him, she challenged, "What makes you think I wanted to talk about anything?"
"You did," he reminded her. "That's what you said last night, before you left my room."
She frowned. "Oh. That's right. I guess I did, didn't I? Right before you practically had Myrtle drag me kicking and screaming out of there."
Zach's hand moved from the steering wheel to her knee, which it squeezed briefly before leaving. "You are stalling so hard I'm impressed you've got the car moving at all."
"Zach, I…." Again Kendall ran out of words, finally settling for, "Please just let me drive." But she had circled the block, they were adjacent to the pharmacy again, and Zach was pointing her to a parking space conveniently being vacated right in front. She pulled into it with a frustrated lurch. When Zach inhaled painfully she realized with chagrin the bumpy landing had been rough on him. "I'm sorry. I'm a bitch. I do need to tell you something. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it."
They sat there silently for a few moments. When Kendall stole a glance at Zach, he appeared to be deep in thought, the exact opposite of herself, whose mind couldn't seem to settle on any one thought at all for more than a second.
"Hand me your prescription, Zach. I'll take it in so you don't have to get out."
"I'll come with you," he announced. "Maybe you don't, but I need coffee after the swill served by the hospital. Don't talk if you'd rather not. No pressure. I just want to be with you."
"Me too." Kendall smiled at the unexpected sweetness of Zach's statement, but found it hard to look too closely at him, knowing he wouldn't have much reason to be with her before long.
The prescription was dropped off; then the two of them strolled slowly up the street to a small coffee shop where the main clientele seemed to be retirees. They took a booth in the back and Zach ordered black coffee, omelet, and whole wheat toast, saying that the hospital food had been swill too, and he was starving. Kendall ordered a blueberry muffin and a glass of orange juice, mostly to keep Zach silent company while he ate. Food would probably only get stuck in her throat if she tried to eat, stuck just as her words seemed to be. She enjoyed watching Zach eat, though; the two of them together having a simple meal in the unpretentious little restaurant was one of the few relatively ordinary outings they could actually lay claim to. It felt like the calm before her own little storm.
Kendall wasn't prepared for it when Zach laid down his fork, cocked his head, and asked, "How long should I expect the silent treatment?"
"I don't know. Maybe forever at the rate I'm going," she answered unhappily.
"I recognize some of those bricks, you know."
"What are you talking about?" she asked defensively.
"What I mean is that wall you've got under construction all around yourself looks very familiar. Is that why you plowed through my walls so assiduously? To help yourself to the rubble?" Zach asked curiously.
Staring into her orange juice, Kendall said, "Zach, you play dirty."
"No. If I play, I play to win," he said simply.
"Win what? The satisfaction of making me feel worse than I already did?"
"I only want to win your confidence—for you to tell me what is making you quiet."
Glumly, Kendall replied, "You aren't making it any easier, Zach."
He leaned forward across the table. "Would it be easier if I tell you?"
An unbidden warmth spread over her cheeks as her heart sank and the recent tension holding her tongue captive suddenly snapped. Unable to control it any longer, Kendall heard words come gushing from her lips in a torrent she couldn't stem. "So Greenlee did get to you! Of course she did, she'll be broadcasting it far and wide! Why didn't you just say you knew, Zach? Why did you say you felt like getting married and ask if I did, when by then you had to know Greenlee was pregnant and she was giving up Miranda? You had to know by then there was no reason—"
Zach calmly interrupted her tirade. "Kendall, I haven't spoken to Greenlee."
"You haven't? Then how did you know about—oh, wait a minute here, just how dumb am I?" Kendall slapped her hand to her forehead. "You never show your hand first. You were faking me out—and I fell for it," she accused him almost tearfully. "I fell right into the trap and blabbed it all, but I guess I had that coming, didn't I?"
Shaking his head, still calmly, Zach replied, "No trap. Not faking you out. It seems we received separate information—which we've each waited to share."
"If Greenlee didn't tell you about Miranda's custody, then who did? I know Ryan wouldn't have."
"Livia Cudahy stopped in to see me this morning before you arrived. She'd received a call from the Laverys' attorney about it earlier."
"Livia? I ran into her when I got to the hospital and she didn't say anything about it—and she's my lawyer, too, Zach. If she told you, why didn't she tell me?"
"Because I asked her not to."
Kendall was nonplussed. "Why not?"
"Why didn't you give me Greenlee's news until now?" Zach asked evenly. "By the way, Livia was unaware Greenlee is pregnant. Apparently you knew yesterday?"
In a small, miserable voice, Kendall said, "Why do you think I've been such a wreck, Zach? I mean, on top of everything else I have to be a wreck about lately?"
He paused. "Before we proceed with this, do you think we can check on my medication?"
The abrupt change of subject should have come as a reprieve, but Kendall couldn't switch gears that automatically. "What?"
"Now this conversation's begun, this isn't where I want to end it." Zach said matter-of-factly, slowly easing himself from the banquette and climbing to his feet as if to emphasize the statement. "I don't have my wallet."
"Oh—I brought it with me. It's in my purse." Anybody would think we're an old married couple already, Kendall reflected, close to some kind of hysteria as she rummaged in her bag, except the married part is never going to happen.
Taking the wallet from her with a nod, Zach pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and laid it on the table to cover their modest meals. Their waitress would be getting a most generous tip. At least someone would benefit from this little disaster. So much for trying to be normal, Kendall thought. As off-balance as she felt, she was glad—if surprised—when Zach took her by the arm and gently squeezed it. Unable to prevent herself from gazing up into his face, she was surprised even more to see, visible beneath the suppressed pain contouring his brow, his bemused, almost tender expression, an expression far removed from the cool contempt she expected to find.
"Zach, let me explain. Please," she blurted.
"Soon, Kendall, soon. We both will," he assured her.
And she had to be content with that, if content was the appropriate word. In a short while, pain medication safely in a bag gripped in Zach's hand, they were back in the SUV, with Kendall at the wheel again and with no clue as to what direction to take—in what seemed a most apt metaphor for the entire situation. At the moment the most logical direction led home, so it that was that route which Kendall took, not asking Zach's opinion. He sat with his head tilted against the headrest, eyes shut, giving the impression he would or could no longer stave off his surgery's aftereffects through sheer force of will alone.
Removing the bag from Zach's unresisting hand, she read through the list of potential adverse reactions included with the medication. Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, drowsiness…Kendall wrinkled her nose. "So much for going out of town to renew our nonexistent vows," she muttered under her breath.
It seemed like another reprieve, the very quiet drive home, but she dreaded the end of it. Pine Valley not being that extensive in terms of size and distance, mere minutes later she was guiding the big Range Rover into the condo complex car park. After giving their niece such a priceless, selfless gift, this anticlimactic trip was Zach's homecoming…the act warranted a more meaningful one, and Kendall blamed herself that instead his return somehow felt as though they were sneaking home. But perhaps filtering everything through what she acknowledged was the off-kilter prism of her own irrationality didn't make for the best measure of reality.
"We're home," Kendall announced quietly, uncertain whether he was awake or asleep, and if the words 'we' and 'home' still belonged in the same sentence.
He stirred. "Well done," he said wryly.
The brief rest seemed to have given Zach a second wind. Once they were inside Kendall's condo he carefully positioned himself on the sofa, evidently intent on resuming the discussion where they'd left off. Patting the sofa cushion beside him, he indicated Kendall should do the same.
"Aren't you going to take one of your pills?" she asked, noticing, as she sat down, the prescription bag on the cocktail table where Zach had dropped it.
He glanced at it before turning to Kendall. "Not yet, Kendall. I want you to tell me something first."
They looked at each other. Again, there was only warmth and tenderness in his steady gaze, so much so Kendall had to fight against keeping her voice from wavering, much less melting weakly into his arms. "I've spilled just about everything there is left to spill now, Zach. What more can I tell you?"
She shivered as his fingers traveled lightly up and down her arm. "There is one thing more," he said. "A question that concerns only you and me and no one else."
"Zach," she swallowed nervously. "Okay."
His hand traveled down to hers and overspread it, fingers tracing the stones of her diamond ring. "Do you still want to marry me?"
"But Zach, now you know we don't need to—"
"Yes or no, Kendall."
She took a deep, cleansing breath. "Of course I want to marry you, but—"
Her words were cut off when Zach pulled her into his arms and began to kiss her. Going to the trouble of melting into them wasn't necessary after all. Kendall forgot he was convalescing until she heard him utter a muffled sound of pain.
Slowly she drew back, searching his face as she did so. "Is this really happening?" she asked shakily. "Did you really ask me to marry you?"
"No," he smiled. "I merely reconfirmed your offer to me."
"Even though I didn't tell you about Greenlee right away?" she persisted. "I tried, Zach, I really did, just maybe…not as hard as I should have." Speaking was becoming harder and harder, too, as the bones in her body seemed to be liquefying under combined pressure of his kisses and now of his fingers, gliding along the side of her jaw.
"You are utterly fixated on that, Kendall. Why is that?"
"It's the kind of thing that always gets me in trouble, and I really don't want to fuck up this time," Kendall said candidly. "But I'm still me and sometimes…well, sometimes, as pathetic as this sounds, I either can't get or shouldn't let certain words within the vicinity of my mouth."
"Do you think I expect moral perfection from you when I'm this flawed? I'm the man who instructed Livia to keep her mouth shut, remember?" Zach pointed out. "The man who then planned to hightail it out of town and marry you before you knew any better."
"Did you really?" Kendall asked in pleased astonishment. "You mean I was suffering these massive pangs of guilt for nothing?"
"Isn't that generally the way that works? I didn't say I didn't feel guilty about it," Zach shrugged, "but I wasn't going to risk losing my chance. This was doing it first and asking permission later."
"Well…I don't usually decide in advance if I'd rather be sorry I did something or sorry I didn't do it. I just do it. If I live to regret it, well…then I'm sorry," Kendall mused. "Naturally, one of the few times I do try to think about it first, I manage to screw up. Because, Zach, all my instincts were screaming at me not to let you go, no matter what."
"Your instincts were right. You're a fighter for what you want and for those whom you love, and I respect that." Zach lifted his other hand to the opposite side of her jaw, cupping her face in both his hands. "But whether you're wrong or right, it doesn't matter to me. I want you just as you are, Kendall. I love you just as you are."
I love you just as you are. Numerous men had said the first three words to Kendall and with great sincerity. She couldn't recall ever hearing the last four from anyone who still didn't intend to improve her somehow. But of thing she was unswervingly certain: Zach was no more capable of bullshitting than of flying.
"I love you too, Zach. Just as you are." She lifted her hands to his face and brought it forward. Lest they get too carried away again, she confined herself to brushing her lips against his. Even that modest stimulation was almost too much. "God, this is torture," she whispered. "I want…I wish I could show you how much I love you."
Zach kissed her back as beguilingly yet lightly as she'd kissed him before reluctantly withdrawing. "You will, Kendall. Oh, you will. For that I'll make the fastest recovery known to man. In the meantime how soon can you marry me? Today?"
"Zach…I can tell that you're hurting. It's because I do love you that I can't agree to that," she sighed.
Hopefully, he said, "We could be in Virginia in just a few hours. I promise you I'd survive the trip."
"No. I want you to take one of your pain pills, go rest up, and heal just as fast you can. That way," Kendall teased, "when we do get married, you can give me one hell of a wedding night."
Zach chuckled. "Not even married yet and ordering me around, eh?"
"Oh, don't worry. I'll make it worth your while," she promised alluringly. "Besides," she added, "there is no way I'm driving that monster SUV of yours to Virginia. Not with you in the passenger seat hovering over me and making me nervous the entire way."
He exhaled long-sufferingly. "Fair enough. But remember, if you get to nag me, I get to backseat drive."