Love and Marriage
Chapter Ten

Leslie was shocked and saddened by the story that Samantha told her, and started to understand their relationship better now. "So what happened after you left?"

"I went driving around for a few hours and then came home." Sam replied.

"And did the two of you talk things out when she came back?" Leslie asked. She wasn't sure why she bothered asking that. Of course they didn't talk it out.

Martin, who up until now had been silent, decided to answer Leslie's question. "No. I found her the next day sleeping in Claire's room."

"Did you talk about it at all?"

"I apologized for what I said and she said that she forgave me." Martin replied, wondering if she had truly forgiven him. He hadn't meant to say that to her, but he was hurting at the time and she was an easy target to vent his frustrations to.

"Did you really forgive him Samantha?" Leslie asked.

Sam thought about it for a moment. "I don't know." She finally replied. "I know I told him that I forgave him and I know he said that he didn't mean it, but you didn't see the way he looked at me at the hospital after the doctor told us about the miscarriage or the look in his eyes every time the subject was brought up." She closed her eyes tightly in hopes of pushing back the tears that were trying to escape her eyes.

"I could just see it in his eyes; he blamed me for it. Maybe not consciously, but he blamed me. And I guess the worst part about it is that he's right to blame me." She took a deep breath. "It was my fault." With that one statement, her resolve not to cry crumbled and the tears rapidly fell down her cheeks.

Leslie passed a tissue box over to Sam and watched helplessly as she tried to wipe the tears from her face. But as soon as she'd wipe some tears away, more tears would fall. "Samantha, miscarriages can happen to anyone at any time. Why would you think that it was your fault?"

"Because it was." She sobbed. "I failed…I failed everyone. I failed my child, I failed Martin, I failed Claire, and I failed myself."

It was breaking his heart to watch her fall apart like that and he moved over to comfort him, but as soon as she saw he was trying to wrap his arms around her she stood up. She obviously didn't want his comfort.

She was shaky from crying so much but stood up anyway. "I'm sorry. I just need to get some air." Before anyone could respond to her, she rushed out of the room.

"I should go after her…" Martin replied, getting ready to stand up.

"Actually," Leslie said, "I think we should let her have a few moments alone to compose herself and pull herself together."

"But…" He really felt like he should run after her. But she didn't seem like she wanted his comfort a minute ago, so maybe she wouldn't react very well if he followed her. Maybe Leslie was right and he should stay behind. He sat back down.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to continue talking about the miscarriage." Leslie asked, noting that Martin looked like he could start crying at any minute.

"Ok." Martin nodded.

"Do you blame Samantha for the miscarriage?"

He looked at Leslie like she was crazy. "No, I don't blame her."

She wasn't sure he was being honest with himself, but decided to let that drop for the moment. "Were you aware that she blamed herself?"

He thought for a moment before answering, "I guess I can see why she would blame herself, but she never said anything about it to me."

"What exactly happened?" Leslie asked. "I know she miscarried, but how did it happen?"

He took a deep breath before telling the story. "Well, I wasn't there to actually see it happen, but here's what I know. It was a Saturday and I had been called in to work a case, so Sam and Claire were at home by themselves. I guess Claire suddenly wanted a toy that had been put in a box one of the top shelves in the garage. Looking back, I can't even remember what it was she wanted, but I guess she wouldn't stop talking about how much she wanted that toy."

"Sam told me that she was going to wait for me to get home so that I could get the box down from the shelf, but she changed her mind and thought that she could do it herself. So she got the stepladder that we own and tried to get box down. It was a heavy box, but she didn't have any problems getting it down from the shelf. However, I guess Claire saw a spider and started to scream. It made Sam immediately turn her head around to see what Claire was screaming about and she lost her balance. She fell from the top step of the stepladder while carrying the box. The box landed right on her midsection and the fall knocked her unconscious."

"Oh my. What happened then?" Leslie asked.

Martin shifted in his seat. Reliving old, painful memories was emotionally draining and he wasn't sure how much more he could stand. "Um, well, I came home only a few minutes after Sam fell and found Claire poking her mother to see if she was ok. Sam still hadn't woken up yet and Claire was getting worried. But I got Sam to wake up and rushed her to the hospital, where we learned the fall, coupled with the box landing on top of her, caused her to miscarry."

Leslie was curious. "How did Claire react to all of this?"

"She didn't understand what was going on." Martin replied.

"Was she bothered by what happened?"

"No, I don't think so." He thought about it for a moment. "She clings to her mother a little bit more and seems more sensitive to Sam's moods, but she's not troubled by it. We hadn't told her about the pregnancy so then she also never knew about the miscarriage."

"I see." Leslie nodded and wrote down some notes. She wanted to get Martin's true feelings about how responsible he thought Samantha was and decided to play devil's advocate for a moment. "I don't think that she can be blamed for what happened, but I can certainly understand why Samantha would blame herself."

"But she should've waited for me to come home." He sighed heavily. "If she had only waited ten minutes, I could have done that for her and none of this would have happened."

"I knew it!" Sam exclaimed from the doorway. She had gone outside to get some air and pull herself together but now she was back just in time to hear that Martin really did blame her for what happened. "I knew you blamed me."

"Samantha, please come back and join us." Leslie gave her a small smile and gestured towards the couch.

Sam sighed and walked over to the couch, avoiding Martin's gaze as she walked past him.

Leslie turned her attention to Samantha. "Are you feeling any better now?"

"I was until I came back in here." Sam replied.

"While you were gone, we were discussing the chain of events leading up to the miscarriage." Leslie informed her.

"And Martin was busy telling you how much he blamed me?" Sam guessed, erecting up a brick wall between her and Martin. It was bad enough to suspect that he blamed her; it was quite heartbreaking to actually hear him say it to her.

It was just as Leslie had suspected. Martin did harbor some feelings of blame towards Samantha. She wasn't sure she would go so far as to say that he blamed her for the whole thing though. "Was that what you were doing? Were you admitting that you blame Samantha for the miscarriage?"

He realized that he had to choose his words carefully or he would drive Sam further away. "I admit that I think she made a bad decision, yes, but I'm not saying that it's her fault."

"If it's not my fault, then whose fault is it?" Sam asked testily, crossing her arms across her chest and taking a defensive stance.

"Maybe it's nobody's fault." Leslie offered, hoping to rid the room of tension. "Sometimes in life, things simply happen."

"Well this didn't simply happen." Sam pointed out.

Leslie took a closer look at Samantha. "Is there a reason why you are so adamant to have Martin blame you for this?"

She was confused. "Um…but…he does. He just admitted that."

"He admitted that he thought you made a bad judgment call. He didn't say that he blamed you for anything else." Leslie pointed out.

"But it's the same thing. There's no difference." Sam was quickly becoming frustrated with Leslie.

"I disagree." Leslie told her. "There is a difference."

Saying anything to appease Leslie, she shrugged. "Fine. There's a difference."

Leslie knew that Samantha was only saying that to appease her, and almost called her on it, but decided to let it slide. "I think you want him to blame you so that your own self-blaming can be justified. But the problem with that is, that it's not your fault."

"Yes it is!" Sam exclaimed.

"Samantha, you need to find a way to forgive yourself." Leslie looked at the clock and wished that they had more time left in their session, but it was almost over. "We'll talk about this some more in your individual session. But here's what I want from the both of you this week. It seems to me that you two haven't communicated very well with each other lately. Is that a fair assumption?"

Both Martin and Samantha nodded. "I think that you need to talk. So I want you two to set aside one night this week for you to be alone with each other. Drop Claire off with some family members or let her spend the night at a friends' house. I want you two to talk, and really talk, to each other and I want you to listen to what the other one is saying without jumping to conclusions or getting angry at each other. I don't want you to fight with each other. I want you to have an honest, open conversation about your feelings, your thoughts, anything that's bothering you."

"But we can do that without sending Claire away." Martin protested, not understanding why Claire had to leave for the night.

"Honestly, I don't think you two can if Claire is in the house with you." Leslie told them, explaining even further. "Claire serves as a safety net for both of you. If she's there, then you don't have to talk to each other about anything serious. You can simply talk to her or about her. By taking Claire out of the house for the night, she leaves you open to talk about the issues that you need to be tackling—the issues that you've avoided for far too long."

She looked back at Martin and Samantha, trying to gauge their reaction to her newest assignment. Martin looked almost scared at the idea, while Samantha was still hurt and slightly angry from the discussion about the miscarriage.

"Do you think you can at least attempt what I'm asking?" Leslie finally asked.

"We can try." Martin nodded.

"Sure." Sam sighed.

"Ok then. I'll see you both at your next individual sessions." Leslie gave them a small smile.

"Thanks." Martin smiled back, anxiously leaving the room first.

Sam was grabbing her purse to leave the room when she saw Leslie sit down next to her on the couch.

"Samantha, I wanted to talk to you privately for a moment before you left if that's ok."

"Ok." Sam relented. She had been looking forward to leaving this room, going home, and soaking in a warm bubble bath to cry for everything that she had lost and everything that she was close to losing. But that could wait an extra few minutes.

"I know what it's like to have a miscarriage and feel like it's your fault. About eight years ago, I had a miscarriage because I got into a car accident. For a long time I was convinced that I was completely to blame and that I was being punished for something. I should have known better than that though. Miscarriages are an ugly part of life, but they are a part of life and it helped me to think that they serve a greater purpose in the grand scheme of life. For me, it brought my husband and I back together and brought us closer. For you and Martin, it seems to be pushing you away from each other. It doesn't have to be that way though."

Leslie looked at Samantha and saw that she was actively listening to her. Maybe she would be able to get through to her. "I know I said it before, but you really need to learn to forgive yourself and move on. Just think about what I've said, ok?"

"Ok." Sam nodded, still absorbing what Leslie told her. "Thank you Leslie." She gave the older woman a small smile and then walked out of the office. She definitely had some things to think about now.