Lyrics belong to Sting, that master poet. If only his music were as eloquent as his lyrics…though i must say this song has the best music to match the style...
Chapter 9
I watch the Western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying South
It sets me thinking
I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher
I feel the winter come
His icy sinews
Now in the fire light
The case continues
Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial
The shadows closely run
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers
Why was I missing then
That whole December
I give my usual line:
I don't remember
Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep
And all these differences
A cloak I borrow
We kept our distances
Why should it follow
I must have loved you
What is the force that binds the stars
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide
I never could find a place to hide
What moves the Earth around the sun
What could I do but run and run and run
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail
The moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking
Another day begins and now I'm thinking
That this indifference was my invention
When everything I did sought your attention
You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
A buried treasure
If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confess:
I must have loved you
Have you ever noticed how death drags out time? People say "my mother died on January 8th, 2002" but what they fail to mention is what they were doing before hand, the actual death itself, the events following it, notifying all of the relatives, the planning of the funeral, the funeral (whether or not you invite everyone), after the funeral, cleaning up, getting your emotional shit together, and then dealing with the deafening silence after your emotional support has packed up and resumed normal life.
So, when I say that "I lost my baby on December 12th, 2004," I'm really saying this:
It's amazing what you associate with death. Every time Bobby and I are driving in the car and I see a red car turn the corner I think about the accident. Every time I smell olives I think of Bobby's cheek against mine in the hospital. I don't know why he smelled like olives. And every time I see pink I think of my little girl. I threw out all of my pink. I can't stand the sight of it.
I finally plucked up the courage to call my mother (2 weeks after the fact) and tell her about the accident and loosing the baby. I wouldn't let the hospital call her- I just made it harder on myself and I don't know why. I can't imagine Bobby even tried to tell his mother. I know he went up there the following Sunday like he always does, but I doubt he told her. It would take too much energy to explain it all. I didn't ask. Then, after calling my mother, I had to call my father, my sister (who had to tell my nephew), my aunt, and my best friend who lives in California now. It's a good thing I ran out of relatives relatively quick.
Bobby and I are keeping the ashes. They're in a little box on the mantle labeled "Alexandra Lilly Goren." I try not to look at it. For some reason the box is pink. There was pink everywhere. I got nothing but pink sympathy cards, pink flowers, and pink fucking everything. I almost couldn't deal with it.
Bobby found me in the bedroom crying and he laid down with me and let me cry. I feel like such a wuss sometimes. He was there when it happened. He was holding her when she died, and he puts up such a brave front. I wish he knew he doesn't have to be so brave all of the time. But maybe he does know…
Natasha came over and we watched chick flicks and cried over all of the hot guys. I wished aloud that I could marry Paul Bettany and Tasha said that I already had a hottie. I looked over at Bobby, who was cooking in the kitchen. He blushed, and I think that was the first time that I truly smiled. He is "a hottie." I'll have to tell him that someday.
Once I finally realized it was time to go back to work I was afraid that I couldn't do it. Bobby said I could because I had him, and now I have his ring. We got married and the only people we told were our families and Deakins, who said he'd get around to filing the proper paperwork "eventually." Smile number 2. I wear my ring on a chain around my neck, andBobby keeps his in a pocket in his wallet.
I know it all sounds so lame and lethargic, but that's what made it easer to go back. Granted, we're still hiding something from the rest of the world, but we're ok. I have to talk to Deakins in the morning. I need some leave in about 8 months.
I know a picture says a thousand words, but sometimes 8 words have to suffice for 529.
Fin.