All standard disclaimers. The following story -a fairly old one I never got around to posting until now- takes place in the miniverse that began with either Friends and Enemiesor Swimming Upstream (not sure whether to call this one a sequel or prequel), an alternate timeline established by Professors Snape and Flitwick and a young Auror by the name of Richard Malone, son of Lucius Malfoy's more enlightened brother. It's far too complicated to be worth going into in much depth here, but it involves time travel, the obliteration of a warehouse full of curry powder with high explosives and filling Godric's Hollow with armed gunmen. So, having defeated the Dark Lord, our heroes -who call themselves the Order of the Basilisk- decide to celebrate in style...
For those of you too lazy to read my other stuff, miniverse pairings are as follows:
Harry/Cho
Ron/Lavender
Hermione/Francis Malone
Luna/Richard Malone
Ginny/Draco
Remus/somebody else's OC
Snape/ditto (see Kittenmommy's stories via my favourites page)
Myrtle/Cedric's ghost (See And They Said LIFE Sucked! for the story of this tender and somewhat improbable romance)
Umbridge/Filch (though I don't go into much detail for obvious reasons!)
Oh, and by the way, I'm using capitals instead of italics for this one solely because the messages are all handwritten.
From: Rick
To: All OoB members
Subject: Post-exam blowout
In order to celebrate the completion of our NEWTs, I propose a two-week get-pissed-in-all-the-historic-cities-of-Europe tour. Who's up for it?
From: Luna
To: Rick
Subject: Re: Post-exam blowout
Does that include us youngsters who don't sit theirs this year? Count me in! I'll even help book the hotels; having Daddy off in some distant corner of Europe half the year has its uses.
PS: I don't care what the answer is. I'll chase you by broomstick if necessary.
From: Draco
To: Rick
Subject: Re: Post-exam blowout
I assume that Ginny is also invited. Both of us are, as you so vulgarly put it, 'up for it.' Two weeks seems woefully inadequate, however. Some of us are capable of providing sufficient clean underwear for more than fourteen days, believe it or not.
From: Ginny
To: Rick
Subject: Clean underwear
Please ignore Draco's remarks on this subject. Apart from the fact that he spent the first decade and a half of his life relying on house elves, he goes commando most days anyway!
From: Rick
To: Ginny
Subject: Re: Clean underwear.
I really, REALLY did not want to know that. I'm carefully not thinking about how you became aware of what underwear (if any) my cousin wears, and I would very much prefer it if you didn't enlighten me. So, I suspect, would Draco.
From: Harry
To: Rick
Subject: Re: Post-exam blowout
I know that there was a bit of worry about the members who don't take their NEWTs this year, but what about the member who took hers already? I'm assuming that Cho's included, so I'm in. If I assume wrong then I'll pass. Anything to upstage my next-door-neighbour's irritating boyfriend (hereafter to be referred to as 'Luna's Male Equivalent') who went to Germany and the Czech Republic with his school in Febuary. I've seen the photographs, including the one of his friend attempting to boardslide a mini toboggan along a snow covered log. And Sally told her he was worth hanging on to!
From: Ron
To: Rick
Subject: Post-exam blowout
You bet, mate! Let's hope it works out a bit less noisily than last time. Fun as flattening Voldemort was (the name doesn't sound as scary when you've shot him in the face!), a nice ordinary mates-away thing sounds like a bit of fun.
From: Hermione
To: Rick
Subject: Post-exam blowout
This is exactly the sort of thing I have always strongly disapproved of. That it sounds like great fun is a fine example of the bad influence your sister has been on me!
I trust you won't be enforcing the 'no noisy orgasms after 10pm' rule this time around; the sort of hotels you'll probably end up booking are probably well used to, and indeed FOR, stuff like that.
From: Fran
To: Hermione
Subject: Hotels
Fear not, dearest one. I'm handling that part of the planning stage. I'll try and book a few places with pay-per-view TV; a few X-rated French flicks ought to give us a few ideas that even YOU haven't thought of!
From: Lavender
To: Rick
Subject: Post-exam blowout
Sounds good. But if my mother asks, RON AND I ARE IN SEPARATE ROOMS. I imagine the same goes for everybody else. And don't let Fran and Hermione bring the matching vibrators I bought them for Christmas for a joke. I sent you those earplugs at the same time for a reason, remember?
From: Cho
To: Rick
Subject: Post-exam blowout
Count me in. I explained to Harry that you would hardly have bothered to send me the same note if I wasn't invited. I love him to bits, but he's a pillock sometimes.
His next-door-neighbour's boyfriend is scarcely Luna's male equivalent, I might add. Not even Luna would watch Airwolf, attend science fiction conventions or wear Hawaiian shirts of her own free will.
From: Rick
To: All OoB members
Subject: Travel
I've had a MAJOR stroke of luck; a coach tour operator where my mother's best mate works is offering a cheap Paris-Amsterdam-Berlin-Prague coach route. Coaches pass through each destination every three days with a one-day stopover, and our tickets would be valid for any one of them. It's aimed at gappers and post-exam celebrants like us, and we get the first ten seats if we book in the next 24 hours. The first coach leaves on the second day of the holidays.
And yes I bloody well will be enforcing it, Hermione!
From: All OoB members
To: Rick
Subject: Re: Travel
Go for it! Look out Europe, here we come!
Dear Dad,
Enclosed are the booking forms and all necessary monies -- do you mind writing the company a cheque and putting this lot in your account? I doubt the company will take Galleons, somehow. Fran is sorting out the hotel arrangements, duly assisted by Luna. Can't tell you about room arrangements just yet.
And where the hell did you find that Speed Burst charm for my Silver Comet? It's like a JATO bottle. Madame Hooch says if I use it in a game I get a three-game suspension, not that I'd dare; the first time I fired it I wound up over Hogsmeade.
Yours,
Rick.
Dear Rick,
All sorted out. Acting on my own initiative, and out of sheer terror of Molly's wrath, I made sure that everybody's parents had given the OK. I imagine that Ginny would have told you if her parents had said no, (everybody else is over 18 anyway) but I wanted to be sure. No point even asking Luna's dad. I don't think he even remembers he's got a daughter half the time. Her mother isn't a lot better, quite frankly, though she can't do a lot from several hundred miles away. I worry, really I do.
I can't tell you where I got the Speed Burst charm because they're highly illegal, for obvious reasons. And don't tell Ginny's father!
Regards,
Dad.
From: Luna
To: All OoB members
Subject: HELP!
My father just started dating Pansy Parkinson's mum! I can't put up with her as my new sister, we have to do something before it's too late!
From: Draco
To: Luna
Subject: Re: HELP!
Don't panic. Pansy's mother isn't too bad as they go -- I can't fault your father's aesthetic taste, at least. I suggest you warn your father to make sure he has a solid premarital agreement; Mrs Parkinson has a reputation for coming out of divorces very well indeed, if you know what I mean...
From: Luna
To: Draco
Subject: Thanks
Well, at least I won't have to put up with her for too long, then. I know the sort. Dad taught me to read with articles on them. You'd think he'd learn from them, but hah!
To: All OoB members
From: Your parents
Subject: Rules
We have all got together and agreed the following:
1. Under no circumstances are you to purchase firearms this time around, for whatever reason.
2. We will not be paying out bail for you for any offence, however trivial.
3. If there is a medical emergency then we will arrange flights, but if you lose your ticket or get otherwise trapped in Europe because of your own carelessness then it is your own problem.
4. Underage magic offences will recieve no preferential treatment from Arthur, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Like a natural disaster or act of war by foreign enemy; nothing less significant will qualify.
5. Share hotel rooms at your own risk of unplanned pregnancy or veneral disease (Not applicable in Francis or Hermione's case, of course).
Don't say we didn't warn you.
To: All parents of OoB members
From: Rick (on everyone else's behalf)
Subject: Re: Rules
Our considered response is this:
1. No worries. If we need them we'll give Sirius a call and he'll drop us the ones we used last time by Floo Powder.
2. We have a couple of ex-Marauders to call on here as well, in the highly unlikely event of the necessity arising.
3. Flights to Luton can be had for peanuts, and the coach has a database with our passport photos scanned in in case somebody does lose their ticket, so no worries there either.
4. Need I remind you that most of Europe is much more liberal about these things anyway? We'll try not to transfigure anybody into inanimate objects, though.
5. We aren't entirely without experience in the field of contraception at this advanced age, and since we have all been in committed relationships for the last two years I'd say that such things as herpes are a remote possibility.
I hope this goes some way towards reassuring you.
To: Rick
From: Your mildly alarmed parents
Subject: Reassurance or lack thereof
What the hell do you mean, 'experience in the field of contraception'?
The Marauders are starting to look tame by comparison to you and your friends. Europe isn't ready for the Order of the Basilisk yet, even after Hitler's Panzers.
From: Rick
To: His mildly alarmed parents
Subject: Re: Reassurance or lack thereof
What the hell do you mean, 'experience in the field of contraception'?
What do you think I mean? You might have forgotten all of that stuff having reached your fourth decade, but we're still youthful enough to appreciate such things.
The Marauders are starting to look tame by comparison to you and your friends.
I'm rather flattered. Prof. Snape says the same.
Europe isn't ready for the Order of the Basilisk yet, even after Hitler's Panzers.
True. Oh, well...
From: Rick
To: Luna
Subject: Your dad's new fancy
The phrase 'hoist by his own petard' springs to mind. My fundamental liberal tendencies find the probability of the owner of the biggest-selling scandal rag in the wizarding world getting screwed in a second messy divorce quite amusing. You being obliged to put up with Pansy isn't as funny, though. Let's just pray it wears off soon. I think Draco's offered the most sensible advice thus far; doubtless we'll think of something if she doesn't bugger off with all his money before either woman drives you completely insane.
From: Luna
To: Rick
Subject: Daddy's OTHER darling
Yes, that's what he's started calling her -- what a cleavage to rival Jordan's will do to a man of middle years. Any suggestions for preventing Mrs Parkinson from buggering off with all Dad's money -and my inheritance might I add- would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to resort to murder, but I will if I have to.
I wonder if he'll do an expose of his own divorce procceedings? The sales he'll get from that ought to recoup every penny and more, until he sues himself for libel of course!
From: Rick
To: Luna
Subject: Re: Daddy's OTHER darling
That doesn't sound good at all. It'll be nauseating petnames next, I suspect, and if I'm right then I suggest that you either flee the country or shoot the woman. I have to admit you've got a point about the woman's cleavage; Pansy must take after her father, whoever HE is.
Speaking of Pansy, I get the impression she's about as keen on this as you are. I suggest you work together on this; if Roosevelt and Stalin could work together, you two ought to manage it.
And I wouldn't put it past your dad to REALLY sue himself for libel.
From: Pansy
To: Luna
Subject: A mutual concern
Enclosed is a copy of Mother's diary, including the details of her previous marriages in very cynical detail. Let us pray that your father will not allow personal relationships to interfere with his journalistic integrity.
Believe it or not, I will not be demanding any return favours; I am doing this purely so I don't have to put up with either of you. At least I know where you get it from, now.
From: Luna
To: All OoB members
Subject: Crisis over
Pansy sent me her mum's diary; it's quite an interesting read, and Dad's passion has cooled somewhat. I really wouldn't want to be Pansy when her mum sees next month's Quibbler! Heeheehee!
By the way Rick, you aren't in a position to make judgements about petnames, seeing as you occasionally call me 'Lulu'!
From: Rick
To: Luna
Subject: Nicknames
But I thought you liked it!
Intermission of several days
Hermione's 'Official OoB European Trip Journal', Day One:
Embarked on the coach at 9am, which is pretty early for me in the holidays; same goes for everybody except, amazingly, Ron. He makes up for it by not moving much for the rest of the day, of course. Fran (I have been instructed by everybody else, Fran included, not to use any of the petnames we've given each other) was berating her brother about insisting on taking his mini-ghetto blaster with him, Rick feebly protesting that he planned on using his headphones. Harry suggested that he should leave them off but be open to requests from everybody else. Since he'd brought more spare batteries with him than anybody else it seemed like a good idea at the time, but the musical tastes of certain members suggest otherwise. For example:
The Greatest Air Guitar Album In The World Volumes I-III (Rick)
Nearly the complete works of System Of A Down, Metallica and the Deftones (Draco)
Permission To Land by the Darkness (Harry AND Rick)
The Very Best Of Vangelis (Luna)
And so on. Now 56, 57 and 58 (my contribution) seemed pretty tame by comparison.
The coach was a fifty seater, only about three-quarters full. The tea, coffee and hot chocolate on sale from dispensers was welcome if overpriced, the video 'entertainment' -Batman and Robin, the one with Arnie in it- less so. We were at the very rear of the coach, with a little room to spread out. There were two rows of empty seats between us and the next lot of passengers- doubtless Kitty Malone's contact warned head office about us. Since the next group was a stag party, this was just as well. They were pretty well lit, at 9 IN THE MORNING, and Fran and I got a couple of wolf whistles.
Luna's observation: "You two should get crewcuts and wear dungarees. You wouldn't have to put up with it, then."
Our response: Pointedly kiss each other, making our preferences clear, whilst Fran elbowed Luna rather painfully in the ribs. Entirely unsurprisingly the noise level actually increased.
Our response: Borrow Ginny's personal attack alarm and toss it at them in the manner of a hand grenade. End of problem.
We spent the next twelve hours on the road, counting the ferry crossing. The stag party bought enough cans of lager on the ferry to fill an entire recycling bank, and amused themselves by throwing the empties at us. We replied in kind, and it kept us amused for a bit. We'd had quite a few beers of our own by then, of course. It got a bit on the dull side after a while, though we got through a fair number of CDs. Rick's rendition of 'The Boys Are Back In Town' by Thin Lizzy defies description.
We made it to Paris at 3AM, after the bars had shut. No matter; we were too drunk and sleep-deprived to be interested in anything but bed. Rick falling up the stairs was happily caught on camrecorder by Ron. Me doing the same was also caught, much less happily.
I think I can get to the end of the page before I... (Judging from the squiggle at the end of the word, she dozed off at this point- Fran)
From: Rick
To: Mum and Dad
Subject: Day Two
Well, we've been here for about twenty four hours. We're mildly hung over but largely intact, and Paris is proving to be a fascinating place to stay. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I include the following as an example of our exploits:
All of us the morning after the coach journey, courtesy of the hotel receptionist
View from the Eiffel Tower
Me pretending to be Simon LeBon in the video for A View To A Kill
Luna getting me to stop pretending to be Simon LeBon, aided by some ice cubes kindly provided by the owner of a nearby soft drinks concession stand
Harry looking at the map and perfecting the artform known as the Gallic shrug
Cho brusquely taking over mapreading duty
Cho asking a passing cab driver for directions very shortly thereafter, encumbered by the fact that she doesn't speak French and he doesn't speak English
All of us in a nice little cafe, eating very nice pasta and drinking Chianti... lots of Chianti
Lavender buying overpriced perfume and a silk pashmina
Draco vowing to do me bodily injury if I don't stop photographing him buying overpriced perfume (For Ginny, I think -- you never can tell with Draco)
On a riverboat along the Seine -- to the extreme right is Ron only just being prevented from falling in by one of the crew
All of us singing the Parachute Regiment's version of the Battle Hymn of the Republic outside a bar (don't remember who took this one, or indeed much of anything between eight in the evening and this morning)
I think you get the idea. The hotel is a little family-run place, very clean and with all mod cons.
From the Official OoB European Trip Journal, Day Five:
Have now arrived in Amsterdam. Attended a sex show within an hour of arriving; see what this lot have turned me into? I even quite enjoyed it! After another six hours with the stag party (who we're now mercifully rid of), ANYTHING would have seemed entertaining if it didn't have them within about five miles. Mercifully, the odds of them happening to choose exactly the same one are about one in ten to the power of the price of Lav's stupid pashmina.
Came upon Remus Lupin and his wife, of all people. In a coffee shop, of all places! ;-) Sang 'American in Amsterdam' at Amanda for a bit, and she not only rather likes Wheatus but knew all the words. We were the only people in there not completely stoned, though I'm the only person who didn't think this was a bad thing.
Saw the sights, and split up for a while. Fran went with Lav, Luna and Ginny to do some girly shopping, but I stayed with the guys. We kept our souvenir purchases to a minimum, though we bought a few videos. Actually, even former apprentice Death Eater/general purpose evil bastard Draco winced at some of the stuff on offer; pregnant women and horses, anybody? Ordinary sex, yes, that has some visual appeal. I can even put up with men with other men, though it's hardly what I personally get off on. But I draw the line at domesticated animals!
From: Luna
To: Mum
Subject: Days Five, Six and Seven
Amsterdam is a fun city to stay in, especially with this lot. It's handy being on a radically different plane of reality to the others; saves on money for dope. Rick, fancying himself official group photographer, took most of the following:
Us getting a remarkable education in the sexual anatomy of mankind and the uses to which it can be put- notice Fran making notes!
Remus and Amanda Lupin resisting the urge to get stoned (she's seven months pregnant, he's taking wolfsbane and can't mix his medication with recreational drugs)
Me trying cannabis and not liking it much
Harry trying cannabis and enjoying it rather a lot
All of us on a riverboat, in Weasley sweaters
Harry and Fran informing Rick that if he doesn't stop whistling the theme from Van Der Valk RIGHT NOW then they will extract his pubic hair one at a time with tweezers
Hermione purchasing stuff from a shop that looks worryingly, ahem... well, see for yourself. I shudder to think what was in those bags!
Harry starting a fistfight with victorious Manchester United supporters celebrating their victory in the UEFA Cup semi final (he's a Spurs fan for some reason)
Fistfight expanding to incorporate everybody in the bar
Us running for the coach before the police arrive
Aren't you glad you said I could go?
From the Official OoB European Trip Journal, Day Eight:
Only one unseemly bar brawl thus far, and we've visited half our destinations. Not too bad, and they WERE Manchester United fans; most of them got a severe beating. Since Ajax got hammered, there has been little effort to arrest any of us. We're en route to Berlin, with a list of good pubs provided by Sally's friend Amber's young man- I disapprove of making fun of the mildly autistic, so I won't call him 'Luna's male equivalent', and in fact his sheer nerdiness has an endearing quality to it. I can understand what she sees in him, even if you can't. Yes, YOU, the one with the red hair reading this over my shoulder.
I've talked the others into visiting the Checkpoint Charlie museum, which promises to be fun. Shame there isn't a peace rally to attend, like Amber's young man did -- the USA hasn't invaded anywhere lately. Oh well, it's just a matter of time...
From: Ron
To: All resident Weasleys
Subject: Berlin -- Days Eight, Nine and Ten
You will NEVER believe how cheap the beer is! Or half the other stuff we've done. Words aren't adequate, which is where 'Snap-Happy' Rick comes in:
Berlin Wall mural incorporating several pairs of glued-on underwear (Author's note: I swear that this thing really exists; I've seen it)
Me and Draco mooning a bunch of National Socialists while the others pretend not to know who we are
Me and Draco running away from the same bunch of National Socialists while the others pretend not to know who we are
Various views from the top of the Berlin TV Tower
Checkpoint Charlie, with me and Harry holding up a Soviet flag we bought off a street vendor nearby
Us in a bar wearing our Weasley sweaters and toasting the camera (the barman remembered Amber's boyfriend and his mates, though we didn't tip quite as lavishly as one of them did, but he took the photo quite happily)
The Berlin Polizei taking issue with me and Draco for alleged public indecency; we got off with an unofficial caution
Us the next morning, with hangovers of epic proportions- not pretty, I admit
The hotel bar, with all of us in it. Harry is the one in a Soviet infantry-issue furry hat
Ginny showing off a bit by successfully ordering 'currywurst mitt pommes' in German
Some more National Socialists shouting racial slurs at Cho (I can only assume that there's some kind of anniversary knees-up going on)
Those National Socialists getting the living piss beaten out of them by Cho -- let us remember that she is a ju-jitsu black belt. As she so eloquently put it, "Master race my arse!"
And on that note, we're off to Prague! Regards,
Ron.
PS: I don't know who it was who put molasses in my toothpaste, but when I find out then there'll be hell to pay!
Official OoB European Trip Journal, Day Eleven:
Prague is the last destination on our itinerary, and the one I've been looking forward to the most. I'm keen to see the Museum of Communism, though I'm more of a Trotskyist myself. Look, I'm a lesbian, alright? Left wing political views go with the territory.
Rick, Harry, Ron and Draco are of course more interested in the beer museum; Europe's first, I believe. This is 'man stuff', apparently. They're also enthusing about the fact that alcohol is cheaper than Coca-Cola here. Globalisation hasn't won yet, it would seem. Rick is also playing with his shiny new electric stungun, which he bought at a service station for thirty euros -- much against my better judgement, I might add. Oh, please don't let him drop it...
Excuse me for a second, I'd better ask the driver if there's any ointment for that in the first aid kit. My eyes are watering in sympathy, and I haven't even GOT testicles.
Phone conversation between Draco and his mother, courtesy of Department of Magical Law Enforcement surveillence archives:
N: Draco?
D: Mum, hi. I'm lying in a hotel bed with a gorgeous redhead, drinking absinthe.
N: Er... right. Where are you?
D: Prague. Little place called the Hotel Fortuna Luna; that means something in Latin, I believe, though I forget what. It's a sort of celebratory tour.
N: I see. Exams go well, then? Lucius maintains that you'll never amount to anything, of course.
D: What's new? He said that even when I was still the perfect Death Eater in the making. Do what I do, mother, and take no notice whatsoever. Does he know I'm hoping to join the Aurors?
N: I mentioned it in passing, yes. He took it well, except for going off and getting paralytically drunk and then trying to hit me, except his hand-eye coordination was so shot he missed completely. I almost felt sorry for him, especially when I laughed and he burst into tears. He couldn't remember a thing afterwards, of course.
D: I wish I'd seen that! You didn't have a camera, did you? Shame.
N: Yes. By the way, that gorgeous redhead isn't...
Undecipherable backgound noise
N (cont.): Do I want to know what that was?
D: I sincerely doubt it. Yes, she's Ginny Weasley. How many other redheads do I know?
N: All the other Weasleys, for a start.
Hysterical laughter from Ginny, who can evidently hear every word of this
D: Mum!
N: Well, for I knew it might have been Ron.
Retching noises, source not certain
D: And on that note, shall we find something else to talk about?
N: Good idea. How are your cousins?
D: Right now? Inebriated. Last time I saw Rick, he was unconscious on the balcony. I hope Luna managed to get him inside before he got hypothermic. As for Fran, she and Hermione are -- well, just listen.
More undecipherable noise
D(cont.): The more booze, the more noise, you know?
N: Oh, my -- Uncontrolled giggling until call terminated by D, presumably in annoyance)
From: Lavender
To: Mum
Subject: Days 12-15
I could tell you everything we've done so far, but I daren't. The following is a selection of our dafter antics, caught on film by Rick's camera:
Girly shopping, Buffy The Vampire Slayer style -- why there are so many stalls selling replica weapons dotted about I have no idea, but Fran seems happy enough. Brings new meaning to the phrase 'militant lesbian', doesn't it?
Everybody in ridiculous hats, Rick's baseball cap with Red Army insignia being the least laughable -- he can always pretend it's a Stella Artois freebie. We, meanwhile, all bought Soviet army headgear!
Draco wondering what would happen if he was to kick one of the guards outside some government building or other (they have to stay very still, like at Buck House) in the shins
Passing police officer telling Draco PRECISELY what would happen
The Hotel Fortuna Luna; nicer on the inside, I assure you! (Author's note: The hotel in question resembles a block of council flats c1960 painted the nasty shade of green usually reserved for comprehensive school corridors, but aside from that I can warmly recommend the establishment for the basic but clean and comfortable rooms, and exceptionally nice bar!)
Harry with that communist flag he bought in Berlin, looking like a complete and total twerp
All of us in the hotel bar
Me in that pashmina I bought in Paris -- looks swish, but I was bloody freezing!
All of us in the bar, toasting the camera
Everybody stocking up on cheap booze; how the suspension of the coach took it I haven't a clue
Rick, Harry, Hermione and Fran being forcibly ejected from a strip club for heckling
Last night in continental Europe; everybody on the coach for home, wearing Weasley sweaters and silly hats
From: Rick
To: Remus, Sirius or anybody else at 12 Girmmauld Place (including Sirius's mum)
Subject: I'm in a spot of bother
HM Customs and Excise have sort of taken issue with a little souvenir I bought in Germany. Something to do with the Offensive Weapons Act; the packaging said a stungun's a defensive weapon, but did they listen? Hah!
I hate to do this, but can I call on you for £500 in bail money?
From: Remus, Sirius and everybody else at 12 Grimmauld Place (especially Sirius's mum)
To: Rick
Subject: Re: I'm in a spot of bother
Sod off!