Love and Marriage
Chapter Twenty-Four
That night, after the lights went out in their bedroom, Sam and Martin both laid in bed wide awake. "Martin?" Sam called out softly. "Are you awake?"
"Yes." He replied in a whispered tone.
"Can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course." He answered, turning his head to face her.
She shifted around in the bed so that she was laying on her side and facing him. "Claire really wants a dog."
"Or a new sibling." Martin added, noticing that Sam was completely dismissing the idea of having another baby. He knew that she didn't want any more children so why had he held out hope that she'd suddenly change her mind now?
"Right." She hoped that Martin realized that they weren't going to be giving her that sibling, but that wasn't the conversation that she wanted to have right now. "What do you think about getting her a puppy? You know, just a small dog?"
"Do you honestly think that she's ready to take care of a dog?" He wasn't so sure. It was very probable that they would be the ones taking care of the dog.
"I don't know." She replied honestly. "I think we might end up being the ones that take care of it."
"Then there's your answer."
"But I was talking to her about it today and I felt really bad. She just wants someone to look after and teach things, and since I don't foresee us having any more kids, maybe a dog is the right thing to give her."
He couldn't help but bring it up. "You don't foresee us having any more kids at all or just not right now?"
She sighed. "Martin do we have to talk about this right now?"
"I'm just curious Sam." Martin sighed, turning his head away from her. "I'd like to know what you've decided about children since apparently you're the one that's making the final decision about it."
She could hear the animosity in his voice and wondered why she brought this up when she knew that they would end up talking about the children issue. The last thing she wanted to do when bringing up this subject was fight with him but it seemed like that was inevitable now. "Don't be like that."
"Like what?" He asked, frustrated with her.
"Defensive and angry." She answered.
"I'm simply curious. You seemed to have decided that we're never having any more children without even discussing it with me. Are there any other decisions that you've made on your own?" He didn't mean for his tone to sound so harsh and mean, but he was frustrated.
She took a deep breath in hopes of calming down instead of snapping at him. "Can we please just go back to talking about getting Claire a dog? I'm not in the mood to fight with you tonight."
"I don't want to fight with you either." He admitted. "But that doesn't change the fact that this is something we need to talk about. I want more children. Claire wants more children. The only person here that doesn't want more children is you and I'm left wondering why."
She could feel the headache coming on as she tried to figure out a way to get out of this conversation. Unfortunately it seemed like there was no way to avoid this talk.
"You're a wonderful mother." He lowered his voice and stopped using the harsh tone he was using earlier. "Claire absolutely adores you and I know that you love her too. You're great with her. You always manage to explain things well enough so that she always understands what's going on, you're always there for her anytime she needs you, and you're just an overall great mother. So I just don't understand why you're so against having more children."
He noticed that she was being silent so he just continued what he was saying. Leslie had told him to be completely honest with Sam so he'd give it a shot and lay everything out on the table. "I've always had thought that having a baby was a sign of love and commitment for a couple. It's a physical manifestation of the love that two people share, something that forever bonds them together and strengthens their love. At least that's what it's supposed to be."
She was speechless. He had never told her that before and she had no idea that he believed that so strongly. "Why haven't you ever told me that before?"
"You never asked." He replied with a shrug. "Look Samantha, I love you. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. Watching you carry Claire and be the mother of my child has been the greatest gift that you've ever given me. But I can't help wondering if you don't want any more children because you don't love me as much as I love you."
"You honestly believe that I don't love you as much as you love me?" She was shocked by his statement. Although they hadn't been on the best of terms lately she at least thought that he knew how much she loved him—especially because they've been trying to be more open about that the past few days.
"I'm not sure what to believe anymore." He sighed. "I know that you love me, but your reluctance to have any more of my children leads me to think that maybe you don't love me enough."
She had never thought that he would take her reluctance to have more children as a form of an insult or slight upon himself. This wasn't about him or how much she loved him. This was a personal problem that she had to figure out how to deal with by herself. "My reluctance has nothing to do with you Martin." She tried to assure him, reaching over the bed and lightly grabbing him arm.
He pulled his arm away, wincing as if he had been burned from her touch. A part of him was slightly embarrassed that he had shared that much with her and had admitted that he felt inferior. "Let's just talk about getting Claire a dog."
She didn't want to let it go without talking more about it, but she also didn't want to him into talking when it was painfully obvious to her that he didn't want to. If she did push him, she was certain that they would end up in a really bad fight. She'd let it drop for now, think more about what he said, and then talk about it later.
"I think we should take some more time and think about this a little more before we go out and buy her a dog. It's a big decision. I'm not sure it's a good idea right now, even though I know it would make her happy. I'm not sure she's ready for such a responsibility."
"Maybe you're right." Sam sighed. "I guess we can wait a while before making any big decisions." She didn't just mean that they should wait to decide about getting a dog. She was also talking about waiting before completely throwing out the idea of having more children; however, she wasn't sure if he would get the double meaning or not.
He hoped that she wasn't speaking just about the dog issue and was trying to send him a message with a double meaning. He hoped that there was still a chance that she would change her mind and that they could someday have another child. But he couldn't help thinking that maybe he was hoping for too much. Maybe he wanted what she couldn't, or wouldn't, give him.