Love and Marriage

Chapter Twenty-Six

When Sam came downstairs after putting Claire to bed, she found Martin flipping through the channels on the TV. He was sitting on the couch and resting his leg on the coffee table. Without saying a word, she walked over and curled up on the other side of the couch.

He stopped flipping through the channels for a moment to glance at her. "How's your hand doing?"

She shrugged, keeping her attention on a commercial for a steakhouse. "It'll be ok."

"Good." He nodded, turning his head and attention back to the TV. They sat there watching a few commercials together before breaking the silence again. "Are we still…ok?"

She looked over at him, not sure what he was asking. "What do you mean?"

"I just wanted to make sure that we're still ok after our talk the other night because things were getting tense again, although we weren't fighting again." Martin explained. "We're still ok? I mean, the cease-fire is still on, right?"

She nodded slowly. "I think so. I was still counting on the cease-fire. That's part of the reason why I didn't fight with you that night. I didn't want to break the cease-fire."

"What was the other part of why you didn't fight with me?" He was curious and wanted to know.

"I guess I was also in shock about what you said. You mentioned a lot of things that I had never thought about. I didn't know that you were so insecure about my love for you. I didn't know that you thought you loved me more than I loved you. I thought that our love was equal and I have never seen the need in making it a competition." She sighed. "You made it seem like I needed to have another child in order to prove to you that I really do love you."

"I didn't mean to make it sound like that." Martin interrupted. "I only meant that…" He paused, trying to figure out how to say what he meant the right way. He quickly realized that he couldn't seem to get the words right. "I don't know what I meant anymore, but I do know that I never meant to make you feel that way."

"It's fine." She shrugged.

"No it's not, and I'm sorry." He really felt bad about the way he dumped everything on her like that and didn't want it to ruin their reconciliation.

"Martin, let it go." She assured him. They had more important things to discuss. "I've thought about what you said a lot, and while I disagreed with most of your points I did agree with you about one thing."

"Which was?" He turned the TV off to give her his full attention and not be distracted.

"Having a baby is a sign of love and commitment and it does bond a couple together." Sam explained. "Sometimes I look at Claire and I see parts of you in her behavior, her attitudes, her face…I start to imagine what you were like when you were her age, attributing certain characteristics to you that I know I didn't pass on to her."

She shifted around so that she was leaning against the side of the couch and facing him instead of the TV. "Before we got married, we talked about having children and I know that you have always wanted more than one. But you also knew going into this marriage that I'm not like that. I don't crave having enough kids to fill out a soccer team. We have Claire. Why can't that be enough?"

"First of all, I don't want enough kids to fill out a soccer team." Martin corrected her. "And secondly, I don't know why Claire can't be enough. I just have something inside of me screaming to have more kids."

She was quiet for a moment. "It seems to me that you married me, knowing that I didn't really want a lot of kids but you hoped that you could change my mind. Or you hoped that once we had one I would want more. Am I right?"

"Maybe that thought had entered my mind." He had to admit that she was partially right. He knew that she didn't want a lot of kids but still married her thinking that she might change her mind because he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. "But are you trying to tell me that the only reason you had Claire was to make me happy?"

"No." She shook her head vehemently. "I did want her." Her voice lowered and she tried not to let it crack. "Whether you want to believe it or not, I wanted all of my children."

He knew that she was referring to the miscarriage and also knew that she was still hurting about that. They both were. They should have stuck by each other after it happened but instead they turned on each other, leading them to this low point in their relationship. "I'm sorry that I ever said you didn't care or want that pregnancy."

After taking a few deep breaths in hopes of calming herself down, she continued on. "In some ways, you were right though." She looked over at him and saw the confusion on his face. "I didn't really want to be pregnant at that time." She could see that he wanted to interrupt her but she held up his hand to silence him. "Martin, I need to say this. I need to explain this and I need you to listen to me without interrupting me. Can you please just do that for me?"

"Sure." He wasn't sure what she was going to tell him or where she was going with this, but he would honor her request and stay quiet.

She was glad that he was going to listen to her without interrupting. This was going to be hard enough to get through without him butting in. "I guess I should start at the beginning. You know that my childhood wasn't great. My dad left when I was young and my mom was never around. My sister only paid attention to me when I could be of some use to her and when she wanted something from me. I didn't have the same kind of family you had. Even though you're father was preoccupied with work and your mother was preoccupied with whatever she did with her time, you still had parents that you knew loved you in their own ways. You also had the Tolands to look out for you. I didn't have that. I still have no idea where my father is or if he's even alive, and the same goes for my mom and sister."

She paused for a second, biting her lip to calm her nervousness. "I never wanted to have a family and I guess that's one of the main reasons why. It's hard to see why you should want a family when you had a crappy one. I was fully prepared to live the rest of my life without getting married and popping out children. I was ready for it and I embraced it. Then you had to come along."

Standing up, she started to pace around the room to get rid of the nervous feeling in her stomach. "You entered my world and slowly flipped it upside down. I started seeing what a family was through your perspective. I never knew that a family could be so supportive and so important to someone. Until I met you, I had no idea what the word 'family' really meant and I had never really cared. But you got to me. Slowly and methodically you got to me, making me see just how nice having a family could be. And you made me want to start wanting one."

"I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the way I guess you could say that you awakened my inner desire to have a family. I'll admit that sometimes I hate you for that. I was doing fine on my own but you made me strive for more. You made me want the 2.2 kids with a dog and a house in suburbia. And that scares me."

She stopped pacing and now stood in front of the TV, avoiding eye contact with him and instead looking at the floor. "There are only a few things in this world that truly scare me. Having a family scares me, being a wife and a mother scares me, but nothing scares me more than being pregnant."